Category Archives: interview

This new “Tory Jesus” account is brilliant satire and we’ve interviewed Him

Biggest new funny social media account this week is the wonderful @Tory__Jesus.

Really, you should follow the shit out of Him by pointing your Twitters to @Tory__Jesus and then come back and read all this.

Right are you back? Good. Here’s the interview.

Why have you come back as a fucking Tory Jesus?
Tory Jesus: “Look mate, I’ve got a Dad who is the ultimate celebrity, I can work miracles; I tried the meek and mild shit last time and just look how far that got me.”

Who does God vote for? He’s not a Tory too is he?
Tory Jesus: “Dad prefers to work in mysterious ways, but actually I don’t vote at all, I have this big thing about crosses.”

Surely TM is going to Hell? Please tell us she’s going to Hell.
Tory Jesus: “That depends on your definition of Hell really. I mean, who would you want to spend eternity with? Theresa May?”

What do you think of that other JC, Jeremy Corbyn?
Tory Jesus: “I met him once, I told him straight ‘JC, I like the beard and the sandals, but your policies are SHITE.'”

And the one on the middle – he does God doesn’t he – Timmy Dems, what about his stance on gay sex?
Tory Jesus: “For me personally, I have no problem with people being Liberal Democrat, as long as they don’t parade it around and rub folks noses in it.”

What’s going to happen to people who vote Tory?
Tory Jesus: “Verily I say unto you brother, that they shall find their rewards, not in the kingdom of heaven, but right here on Earth.”

Which is your best tweet Tory Jesus?
Tory Jesus: “Look mate, all I’m saying is 16 tweets and I’ve already got more followers than last time.”

Any chance of a miracle and making the Tories lose?
Tory Jesus: “I tell you what if that Corbyn chap gets in it’ll be a proper fucking miracle, with or without my intervention.”

Now. As we said. Follow the absolute blistering fuck out of Him.

Follow @Tory__Jesus NOW.

NOW.

Ben Wheatley interview “I remember the first B3ta bash”

As we all know Ben was once a keen boarder and now he’s a successful film director so what better time to phone him up at 10am on a Friday morning and start asking him questions?

It was lovely to chat to him – he’s such a warm, friendly chap – 45 minutes of joy.

Give us a B3ta memory…

I remember the first B3ta bash. Really weird punt. Never made a connection between stuff online and real people.

I met Joel Veitch within first 5 people I’d met, it was all very rock and roll.

I loved flipping the silly names on the internet and seeing the real people. People called stuff like Kitten turned out to be a Dave or a Tom and all that was great.

Man, the first time I got a front page was massive rush, the whole experience was brilliant, the making of work AND people liking it.

It wrongly made me think the whole internet was like that, so posted some images on an American board and got banned and told I was a cunt, B3ta was actually a weird oasis.

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Image: from Ben’s personal collection titled “that’s me as the time tramp”

Tell us a story about a celeb

I remember walking down road walking with my producer Andy Starke and saw Brian Blessed who I’d recently worked with so said “Hi Brian” and introduced my producer, “This is Andy”

Brian his joyful intoned “hello andy” and pointed at a stain on his shirt and Andy looked down and Brian slapped him in face.

Then Brian then walked off.

We were stunned and I thought that was brilliant.

That old childish trick, never seen a grown man do it to another grown man before, that was the joy of it.

What do you wish you’d known 20 years ago?

I’m 45 I’m ready to balloon even fatter if I’m not careful but I’ve recently learnt doing exercise isn’t as miserable as I thought.

I’m walking a bit and doing some rowing.

I get photographed next to the thinnest, more good-looking people ever and you never come off well.

There’s photo of Me and Tom Hiddleston – my stomach was hanging out – that got a lot of repostings with people laughing, it was cruel but you have to laugh.

I did six months of not drinking, but I had to have a drink in the end to stop that feeling of righteousness, but I did learnt I’m capable of being as much as an arsehole sober as I am drunk and that was a nice revelation.

Tell us a joke that makes you laugh

What’s brown sticky.
A shit.

When we filming High-Rise we had to get some extras to laugh so I got an actor to say that joke however instead he delivered the punchline, “your mum after I shit on her head.”

The only people who didn’t laugh were the extras who looked appauled.

Recommend a film

Raw (2016) – directed by Julia Ducournau.

A film about cannibalism – it’s great – Julia’s first feature film, a sweaty, scary art / horror film.

There’s elements of David Cronenberg in there but very much her own perspective, genre cinema with an adult twist.

Recommend a book

Mayflower – By Nathaniel Philbrick

Nonfiction book about the Maylfower ship traveling to America with all pilgrims on it and what happened when they got there.

Made me realise my historical perception was wrong as this book shitted on it page by page.

I assumed the boat was pull of puritans – it wasn’t.

I assumed they were the British first people there – they weren’t, there were Native Americans turning up and speaking English in the camp.

Recommend a twitter account

@archillect is an AI search that finds aesthetically pleasing images, like an arty version of Clickbait Robot.

One of the few Twitter accounts I have signed up that I haven’t muted.

I’ve had a massive cull of Twitter after American election – it had become so toxic – I mute a lot of stuff now, if you’re not nice to people it turns into a wilderness of shouting.

What question are you bored of and what’s the definitive answer?

It’s boring to be constantly asked “what are you doing next?” so I started fibbing about it. And it’s starting to bite me on the arse.

Said I was doing a claymation movies called “Mega-evil Mother Fuckers.” And now it’s on IMDB as “in development” and has a life of its own.

My lies are clogging up the net with tonnes of projects I’ve never made like barnacles on the boat.

What do you wish we’d asked you? And answer that please.

I simple want very few questions and for all of them to be easy. At the end of all interviews I sigh, racked in terror that I said something dumb.

I did an interview for Down Terrace and Michael Smiley said at the end of a sentence “and it was brilliant”.

This became the headline and as a headline it looked terrible – made us totally go OMG.

It’s like how all documentaries are ruined for me after editing list shows, this is how editing works, TV is all made from tiny scraps that are meaningless.

If someone followed me around for 20 minutes thy’s get enough material to prove I’m an arsehole.

Plug your new movie

Free Fire is a film a about people shooting each other and it’s very funny even if I do stay myself.

A gun deal that goes wrong and set in the 70s.

Be on Blue-ray and DVD in august.

“All the guns = no control” is the US poster.

Pre order it here:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B06XPK29P7/b3ta-21
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B06XPK29P7/b3ta-20

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Another photo from Ben’s personal collection “that’s me on the Doctor Who set”