Category Archives: news

We need you to join an internet choir singing that Nigel Farage is a “despicable turd”

We noticed Nigel Farage having a moan that someone was being a bit mean to him.

This made us wonder if anyone had a choir:

Then B3tan Simon Pegg (not that one) had an idea…

So we got in touch with @ricardoautobahn – he who co-did the Daz Sampson record and asked him to make a simple backing track and would he mix an internet choir?

And he was up for it and recorded a backing track:

DOWNLOAD BACKING TRACK — oops that’s out of bandwidth so try this dropbox link.

So what we want you to do is this: sing along with the backing track the melody of “Ode To Joy” and send your result to @ricardoautobahn so he can mix it.

UPDATE: WE HAVE SOME ENTRIES

UPDATE2: AND MORE MORE

JOIN THE INTERNET REVOLUTIONARY CHOIR TELLING NIGEL FARAGE HE’S A DESPICABLE TURD RIGHT NOW

Seriously. Wouldn’t it be fun to be part of a big choir signing against Nigel Farage? It would be good magic.

Do your singing at get your file to @ricardoautobahn NOW.

51 things that make people go “no” when they see your profile pic

Profile pics on social media are how we project ourselves into the world, but we also silently judge others other quite trivial things.

Figured it would be interesting to do a bit of an anonymous survey on what are you “profile picture no nos”

We got about 350 replies and here’s 51 of the best.

1. A “Make America Great Again” hat

2. A car. Jeez.

3. A flag, a percentage, a crusader, something something something AND PROUD

4. A photo that’s been posed in a studio photo shoot, the worst kind is a woman lying on her front, chin on hands, feet visible in the background. Gah

5. A picture of your child

6. A professionally taken picture or caricature

7. Anime girls. No. You’re a bloke and you probably support GamerGate

8. Anonymous/ V mask

9. Any “wellness” shit meme

10. any face contortion in attempt to look sexy

11. Any hint that the photo is over 5 years old. This makes me think they’ve aged badly in recent years, or haven’t done anything interesting and photo-worthy since it was taken

12. Any middle-aged man sitting at a desk, looking like he’s taken the pic on a porn-break

13. Any selfie, particularly pouty or posing ones taken from high angles or in mirrors

14. Any temporary picture showing “solidarity” with a place they’ve never visited

15. Anyone who sticks their finger up / flicks the V at you in a photo, I mentally chuck into the “fuckwit” category, without a moments hesitation

16. Anything done professionally. Fuck off you twats

17. Anything military

18. Automatically hate anyone using that stupid dog filter

19. Babies. You’ve only accomplished what literally every organism on the planet is striving for. Have a fucking medal

20. Bare chest (men). Duck face (women)

21. Cars as profile pictures

22. Chest hair on display with men. What are you trying to prove? You sad wankers

23. Eggs

24. Face tattoo

25. Failed attempts to make the photo look spontaneous or unplanned

26. Fucking pet pictures in profile pics. Especially with cunts holding said pet.

27. Gratuitous pic with gf in a bikini

28. Grown adults who use characters from children’s films, particularly Disney stuff. Blocked on sight, no matter what they have to say

29. Having a cocktail by the seaside are you? Fack orf.

30. Looking like a tory

31. Looking like a vegan

32. Middle-aged people using Snapchat filters

33. Minions. Fucking minions

34. Nationalist symbolism; flags, poorly drawn graphics in paint etc

35. Non-ironic duck face from people older than me

36. Not their actual face

37. Pepe the frog

38. Picture of footballer/football club badge

39. Picture of the person in full leathers and helmet, riding a motorcycle, on a track day, going around a corner so the bike’s leant over a bit, so the rider looks “brave”. Guaranteed twat

40. Pictures of people having fun years ago and you’ve had loads of fun with them since and loads of pictures done but they keep that one up and don’t even talk to 5 of the people in it anymore, including themselves

41. Pictures of pets I’m jealous I don’t own

42. Pouting

43. Professional suit-wearing headshots. You can guarantee that the content of their feed is going to be corporate BS

44. Smoking

45. Snapchat filters and mirror selfies

46. Sunglasses indoors

47. The latest “do this arbitrary thing to your profile pic to somehow in some vague unspecified way raise awareness for an arbitrary cause”

48. Trying to look like a “hitman” in a cheap Burton’s menswear suit

49. UKIP purple

50. Wedding pics

51. White men with moustaches. Every other ethnicity does them without managing to look like a paedophile.

Lord Buckethead stood against Theresa May and his manifesto is the funniest thing you’ll read today

“Lord Buckethead” standing against Theresa May is British politics at its best

Lord Buckethead’s‘s manifesto has gone viral with over 15,000 retweets and likes and as @Scottbix over on Twitter says, “Oh my god Lord Buckethead’s political manifesto I’m screaming”.

MY 2017 MANIFESTO: Strong, not entirely stable, leadership

1. The abolition of the Lords (except me).

2. Full facial coverings to be kept legal, especially bucket-related headgear.

3. No third runway to be built at Heathrow: where we’re going we don’t need runways.

4. Ceefax to be brought back immediately, with The Oracle and other Teletext services to be rolled out by the next Parliament.

5. Regeneration of Nicholson’s Shopping Centre, Maidenhead.

6. Buckethead on Brexit: a referendum should be held about whether there should be a second referendum.

7. Nuclear weapons: A firm public commitment to build the £100bn renewal of the Trident weapons system, followed by an equally firm private commitment not to build it. They’re secret submarines, no one will ever know. It’s a win win.

8. Nationalisation of Adele: in order to maximise the efficient use of UK resources, the time is right for great British assets to be brought into public ownership for the common good. This is to be achieved through capital spending.

9. A moratorium until 2022 on whether Birmingham should be converted into a star base.

10. Legalisation of the hunting of fox-hunters.

11. New voting age limit of 16 to be introduced. New voting age limit of 80 to be introduced too.

12. Katie Hopkins to be banished to the Phantom Zone.

13. Stop selling arms to Saudi Arabia. Start buying lasers from Lord Buckethead.

14. Prospective MPs to live in the seat they wish to represent for at least five years before election, to improve local representation in Parliament.

15. Free bikes for everyone, to help combat obesity, traffic congestion and bike theft.

May’s face in this is wonderful:

Elmo was there too

And this is wonderful news

ALL HAIL LORD BUCKETHEAD, NOT THE HERO WE ASKED FOR BUT THE HERO WE NEED

Simply 16 tweets glorying in Theresa May’s personal disaster of calling an early election and blowing it

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Three lines that Corbyn should definitely use in the TV election debate

So Corbyn is doing the BBC election debate whilst Theresa isn’t.

Watch the video where she says she’s not doing it – yes, live on TV she says she’s not doing TV.

It’s been a wonderful bind for Theresa May. Do the debate and she looks shit because she’s not very good at this stuff.

Doesn’t do it and she looks weak.

We all know Corbyn likes to crowdsource parliamentary questions so here’s three funny lines he should deffo use tonight.

1. “Bricks it means bricks it”

2. “You turn up if you want to. The lady’s not for turning up”

3. “As I’d say to your boss if she’s was here…”

We also enjoyed these four tweets:

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And as @Johnnypaige says, “Theresa May: not even strong enough to turn up to a debate, let alone negotiate Brexit. there’s your attack line, Labour”

Oops! Walkers Crisps tweet videos of murderers and sex offenders in a “fully-fledged social media disaster”

“This is not a drill. This is not a drill. Fully-fledged social media disaster currently underway on the Walkers Crisps feed” writes Buzzfeed journalist @Jimwaterson.

Amazing screw up from @walkers_crisps – they’ve allowed unmoderated photos into their official Twitter account and it’s now tweeting out videos of murderers & sex offenders.

Watch the videos!

Here’s the sex offender Rolf Harris video – saved for you in case they delete it:

And murderer Fred West one:

Enjoy the screen grabs!

Murderer Fred West, lovingly cradled in Gary Lineker’s arms!

Granny murderer Harold Shipman as held by BBC football commentator Gary Lineker!

Sex offender and kangaroo artist Rolf Harris, once again held by ex-footballer Gary Lineker!

Who’s that? It’s sex offender Sir Jimmy Savile, the photo thereof held by Gary Lineker (who once shat on the pitch)

And finally murderer Josef Fritzl. And who could that be holding him? Yep it’s Gary Lineker. Phew.

So how did this happen?

Well if you allow members of the public to upload their face and have that appear on the main Walkers twitter account – well you can guess the rest.

PAY FOR SOME MODERATORS GUYS!

And let’s go over live to the internet for some reactions

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Epic PR fuck ups is the shit we live for basically

As Elliot Reuben writes, “B3ta and a brand allowing unmoderated content? What is this? 2009? It’s like listening to a nostalgia pop radio station of the internet. Marvellous.”

“Couldn’t have happened to a better company revenge for making such shit crisps 😂” writes @Scotrean.

“2017 has peaked” writes @_johnnykelly.

UPDATE: Amazing. An anonymous B3ta reader has archived ALL the offending videos off to a Google drive – fill your boots. FILL YOUR BOOTS!

UPDATE2: And it’s been closed down. Boo! The fun is over!

So DOES Gary shag crisps?

The internet is captioning this sinister photo of Trump & The Pope

Today it’s all about the captions on this sinister photo.

We’ll start off with some B3ta captions prompted by our tweet before moving to the wider internet.

“Trump oversees merger of Vatican and Scottish Widows” writes Gareth Anthony James.

“The funeral coincided with one of senile Grandpa’s rare happy days” writes @Vichoon.

“I’d watch the fuck out of this Rosemary’s Baby sequel” says @Robmanuel.

“The Abba boys aged a lot worse than the girls” points out @Financejames.

“The final boss progression of the new Mortal Kombat looks brutal” notes @Tombutler over on Twitter.

“Fester? Is it really you?” asks @Buscemian.

“Bucks Fizz announce new tour dates.” writes @Sporrington.

OK. That’s your lot for B3ta ones for the moment… Let’s get on with the wider internet

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And finally, “Donald Trump doesn’t care about the Pope, he has plenty of guys in white robes who support him.” says @Ohnoshetwitnt.

This story about Roger Moore meeting a fan is what you need right now to lift your spirits

TV and radio writer Marc Haynes captured the nation’s mood today, when following the terrible news in Manchester we also learned that Roger Moore had sadly passed on.

Marc wrote a story on Facebook about meeting Moore a couple of times: once as a child, and once as an adult.

And in the words of kids today, “it’s all of the feels”

This story vent viral via  Twitter with the fabulous title “This truly wonderful Roger story is soothing my aching soul” but here’s the actual text rather than a screen-grab, and with permission from Marc:

As an seven year old in about 1983, in the days before First Class Lounges at airports, I was with my grandad in Nice Airport and saw Roger Moore sitting at the departure gate, reading a paper. I told my granddad I’d just seen James Bond and asked if we could go over so I could get his autograph. My grandad had no idea who James Bond or Roger Moore were, so we walked over and he popped me in front of Roger Moore, with the words “my grandson says you’re famous. Can you sign this?”As charming as you’d expect, Roger asks my name and duly signs the back of my plane ticket, a fulsome note full of best wishes. I’m ecstatic, but as we head back to our seats, I glance down at the signature. It’s hard to decipher it but it definitely doesn’t say ‘James Bond’. My grandad looks at it, half figures out it says ‘Roger Moore’ – I have absolutely no idea who that is, and my hearts sinks. I tell my grandad he’s signed it wrong, that he’s put someone else’s name – so my grandad heads back to Roger Moore, holding the ticket which he’s only just signed.

I remember staying by our seats and my grandad saying “he says you’ve signed the wrong name. He says your name is James Bond.” Roger Moore’s face crinkled up with realisation and he beckoned me over. When I was by his knee, he leant over, looked from side to side, raised an eyebrow and in a hushed voice said to me, “I have to sign my name as ‘Roger Moore’ because otherwise…Blofeld might find out I was here.” He asked me not to tell anyone that I’d just seen James Bond, and he thanked me for keeping his secret. I went back to our seats, my nerves absolutely jangling with delight. My grandad asked me if he’d signed ‘James Bond.’ No, I said. I’d got it wrong. I was working with James Bond now.

Many, many years later, I was working as a scriptwriter on a recording that involved UNICEF, and Roger Moore was doing a piece to camera as an ambassador. He was completely lovely and while the cameramen were setting up, I told him in passing the story of when I met him in Nice Airport. He was happy to hear it, and he had a chuckle and said “Well, I don’t remember but I’m glad you got to meet James Bond.” So that was lovely.

And then he did something so brilliant. After the filming, he walked past me in the corridor, heading out to his car – but as he got level, he paused, looked both ways, raised an eyebrow and in a hushed voice said, “Of course I remember our meeting in Nice. But I didn’t say anything in there, because those cameramen – any one of them could be working for Blofeld.”

I was as delighted at 30 as I had been at 7. What a man. What a tremendous man.

Amazing isn’t it? We welled up a little reading it and we also got in touch with Marc for a quick chat:

B3ta: How’s it going? Great Roger Moore story!

Marc: I met him twice and now I’ve seen a description of me as “Roger Moore superfan.” Ye gods

B3ta: Nice moment – you broke the mood from stunned horror at Manchester to bittersweet love / melancholy for Moore. You are today, the nation’s DJ – switching us up.

Marc: All I ever wanted to be is Neil Fox.

B3ta: Any comment about your story being so widely shared?

Marc: I think it’s a reflection of how much people have genuine affection for Roger Moore. He was lovely to me both times I met him, and I think that’s what people instinctively felt he was like from seeing him on the screen – that he was a really nice guy. And when I met him, that’s exactly what he was

B3ta: You’re also part of the Bond podcast SmershPod – can you recommend an episode?

Marc: The last one covered Moonraker with Al Murray and it’s great. They LOVE that film which is weird because I can’t stand it. Give me Octopussy any day

B3ta: Is Octopussy your Roger Moore recommendation?

Marc: Man With The Golden Gun is the best. And View to A Kill bad, but great. But Octopussy – first love never dies.

B3ta: We’ve been looking for photos…

Marc: That’s amazing. I hope the papers lead with that shot on the front cover tomorrow.

Anyway thanks to Marc Haynes for sharing his story and cheering us all up.

UPDATE: And here’s the autograph