Category Archives: news

We need you to join an internet choir singing that Nigel Farage is a “despicable turd”

We noticed Nigel Farage having a moan that someone was being a bit mean to him.

This made us wonder if anyone had a choir:

Then B3tan Simon Pegg (not that one) had an idea…

So we got in touch with @ricardoautobahn – he who co-did the Daz Sampson record and asked him to make a simple backing track and would he mix an internet choir?

And he was up for it and recorded a backing track:

DOWNLOAD BACKING TRACK — oops that’s out of bandwidth so try this dropbox link.

So what we want you to do is this: sing along with the backing track the melody of “Ode To Joy” and send your result to @ricardoautobahn so he can mix it.




Seriously. Wouldn’t it be fun to be part of a big choir signing against Nigel Farage? It would be good magic.

Do your singing at get your file to @ricardoautobahn NOW.

51 things that make people go “no” when they see your profile pic

Profile pics on social media are how we project ourselves into the world, but we also silently judge others other quite trivial things.

Figured it would be interesting to do a bit of an anonymous survey on what are you “profile picture no nos”

We got about 350 replies and here’s 51 of the best.

1. A “Make America Great Again” hat

2. A car. Jeez.

3. A flag, a percentage, a crusader, something something something AND PROUD

4. A photo that’s been posed in a studio photo shoot, the worst kind is a woman lying on her front, chin on hands, feet visible in the background. Gah

5. A picture of your child

6. A professionally taken picture or caricature

7. Anime girls. No. You’re a bloke and you probably support GamerGate

8. Anonymous/ V mask

9. Any “wellness” shit meme

10. any face contortion in attempt to look sexy

11. Any hint that the photo is over 5 years old. This makes me think they’ve aged badly in recent years, or haven’t done anything interesting and photo-worthy since it was taken

12. Any middle-aged man sitting at a desk, looking like he’s taken the pic on a porn-break

13. Any selfie, particularly pouty or posing ones taken from high angles or in mirrors

14. Any temporary picture showing “solidarity” with a place they’ve never visited

15. Anyone who sticks their finger up / flicks the V at you in a photo, I mentally chuck into the “fuckwit” category, without a moments hesitation

16. Anything done professionally. Fuck off you twats

17. Anything military

18. Automatically hate anyone using that stupid dog filter

19. Babies. You’ve only accomplished what literally every organism on the planet is striving for. Have a fucking medal

20. Bare chest (men). Duck face (women)

21. Cars as profile pictures

22. Chest hair on display with men. What are you trying to prove? You sad wankers

23. Eggs

24. Face tattoo

25. Failed attempts to make the photo look spontaneous or unplanned

26. Fucking pet pictures in profile pics. Especially with cunts holding said pet.

27. Gratuitous pic with gf in a bikini

28. Grown adults who use characters from children’s films, particularly Disney stuff. Blocked on sight, no matter what they have to say

29. Having a cocktail by the seaside are you? Fack orf.

30. Looking like a tory

31. Looking like a vegan

32. Middle-aged people using Snapchat filters

33. Minions. Fucking minions

34. Nationalist symbolism; flags, poorly drawn graphics in paint etc

35. Non-ironic duck face from people older than me

36. Not their actual face

37. Pepe the frog

38. Picture of footballer/football club badge

39. Picture of the person in full leathers and helmet, riding a motorcycle, on a track day, going around a corner so the bike’s leant over a bit, so the rider looks “brave”. Guaranteed twat

40. Pictures of people having fun years ago and you’ve had loads of fun with them since and loads of pictures done but they keep that one up and don’t even talk to 5 of the people in it anymore, including themselves

41. Pictures of pets I’m jealous I don’t own

42. Pouting

43. Professional suit-wearing headshots. You can guarantee that the content of their feed is going to be corporate BS

44. Smoking

45. Snapchat filters and mirror selfies

46. Sunglasses indoors

47. The latest “do this arbitrary thing to your profile pic to somehow in some vague unspecified way raise awareness for an arbitrary cause”

48. Trying to look like a “hitman” in a cheap Burton’s menswear suit

49. UKIP purple

50. Wedding pics

51. White men with moustaches. Every other ethnicity does them without managing to look like a paedophile.

Lord Buckethead stood against Theresa May and his manifesto is the funniest thing you’ll read today

“Lord Buckethead” standing against Theresa May is British politics at its best

Lord Buckethead’s‘s manifesto has gone viral with over 15,000 retweets and likes and as @Scottbix over on Twitter says, “Oh my god Lord Buckethead’s political manifesto I’m screaming”.

MY 2017 MANIFESTO: Strong, not entirely stable, leadership

1. The abolition of the Lords (except me).

2. Full facial coverings to be kept legal, especially bucket-related headgear.

3. No third runway to be built at Heathrow: where we’re going we don’t need runways.

4. Ceefax to be brought back immediately, with The Oracle and other Teletext services to be rolled out by the next Parliament.

5. Regeneration of Nicholson’s Shopping Centre, Maidenhead.

6. Buckethead on Brexit: a referendum should be held about whether there should be a second referendum.

7. Nuclear weapons: A firm public commitment to build the £100bn renewal of the Trident weapons system, followed by an equally firm private commitment not to build it. They’re secret submarines, no one will ever know. It’s a win win.

8. Nationalisation of Adele: in order to maximise the efficient use of UK resources, the time is right for great British assets to be brought into public ownership for the common good. This is to be achieved through capital spending.

9. A moratorium until 2022 on whether Birmingham should be converted into a star base.

10. Legalisation of the hunting of fox-hunters.

11. New voting age limit of 16 to be introduced. New voting age limit of 80 to be introduced too.

12. Katie Hopkins to be banished to the Phantom Zone.

13. Stop selling arms to Saudi Arabia. Start buying lasers from Lord Buckethead.

14. Prospective MPs to live in the seat they wish to represent for at least five years before election, to improve local representation in Parliament.

15. Free bikes for everyone, to help combat obesity, traffic congestion and bike theft.

May’s face in this is wonderful:

Elmo was there too

And this is wonderful news


Simply 16 tweets glorying in Theresa May’s personal disaster of calling an early election and blowing it
















Three lines that Corbyn should definitely use in the TV election debate

So Corbyn is doing the BBC election debate whilst Theresa isn’t.

Watch the video where she says she’s not doing it – yes, live on TV she says she’s not doing TV.

It’s been a wonderful bind for Theresa May. Do the debate and she looks shit because she’s not very good at this stuff.

Doesn’t do it and she looks weak.

We all know Corbyn likes to crowdsource parliamentary questions so here’s three funny lines he should deffo use tonight.

1. “Bricks it means bricks it”

2. “You turn up if you want to. The lady’s not for turning up”

3. “As I’d say to your boss if she’s was here…”

We also enjoyed these four tweets:





And as @Johnnypaige says, “Theresa May: not even strong enough to turn up to a debate, let alone negotiate Brexit. there’s your attack line, Labour”

Oops! Walkers Crisps tweet videos of murderers and sex offenders in a “fully-fledged social media disaster”

“This is not a drill. This is not a drill. Fully-fledged social media disaster currently underway on the Walkers Crisps feed” writes Buzzfeed journalist @Jimwaterson.

Amazing screw up from @walkers_crisps – they’ve allowed unmoderated photos into their official Twitter account and it’s now tweeting out videos of murderers & sex offenders.

Watch the videos!

Here’s the sex offender Rolf Harris video – saved for you in case they delete it:

And murderer Fred West one:

Enjoy the screen grabs!

Murderer Fred West, lovingly cradled in Gary Lineker’s arms!

Granny murderer Harold Shipman as held by BBC football commentator Gary Lineker!

Sex offender and kangaroo artist Rolf Harris, once again held by ex-footballer Gary Lineker!

Who’s that? It’s sex offender Sir Jimmy Savile, the photo thereof held by Gary Lineker (who once shat on the pitch)

And finally murderer Josef Fritzl. And who could that be holding him? Yep it’s Gary Lineker. Phew.

So how did this happen?

Well if you allow members of the public to upload their face and have that appear on the main Walkers twitter account – well you can guess the rest.


And let’s go over live to the internet for some reactions




Epic PR fuck ups is the shit we live for basically

As Elliot Reuben writes, “B3ta and a brand allowing unmoderated content? What is this? 2009? It’s like listening to a nostalgia pop radio station of the internet. Marvellous.”

“Couldn’t have happened to a better company revenge for making such shit crisps 😂” writes @Scotrean.

“2017 has peaked” writes @_johnnykelly.

UPDATE: Amazing. An anonymous B3ta reader has archived ALL the offending videos off to a Google drive – fill your boots. FILL YOUR BOOTS!

UPDATE2: And it’s been closed down. Boo! The fun is over!

So DOES Gary shag crisps?

The internet is captioning this sinister photo of Trump & The Pope

Today it’s all about the captions on this sinister photo.

We’ll start off with some B3ta captions prompted by our tweet before moving to the wider internet.

“Trump oversees merger of Vatican and Scottish Widows” writes Gareth Anthony James.

“The funeral coincided with one of senile Grandpa’s rare happy days” writes @Vichoon.

“I’d watch the fuck out of this Rosemary’s Baby sequel” says @Robmanuel.

“The Abba boys aged a lot worse than the girls” points out @Financejames.

“The final boss progression of the new Mortal Kombat looks brutal” notes @Tombutler over on Twitter.

“Fester? Is it really you?” asks @Buscemian.

“Bucks Fizz announce new tour dates.” writes @Sporrington.

OK. That’s your lot for B3ta ones for the moment… Let’s get on with the wider internet






And finally, “Donald Trump doesn’t care about the Pope, he has plenty of guys in white robes who support him.” says @Ohnoshetwitnt.