B3ta Newsletter 673 – “READ IT BEFORE THE TORIES BAN INTERNET WORDS”

This Week:

  • JESUS IS A TORY -And we interviewed him
  • HOW CRIMINAL IS YOUR NAME? – Very, we imagine
  • IN PRIVATE EYE – For telling Murdoch to F. Off

    B3ta email 673 – 19 May 2017

    Read this issue via a internet bollock:
    http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue673

    Friend b3ta on Facebook – go on you bastards:
    https://www.facebook.com/b3tan


    : HELLO AGAIN x3

    Week three in the unlikely B3ta newsletter relaunch and we’ve sold an ad (yes, really), and been horribly overambitious again – interviewing Jesus so we’re late. Shit on a bollock. We want to be early. Anyway – on with the content people. It’s CONTENT TIME , but first a word from our sponsor:


    : KNIGHTMARE LIVE – 21st & 28th May
    Sponsored link – yes really, a good one too

    It is like the 1980s again: A tory landslide on the horizon and kids with buckets on their heads is entertainment. Get a shit hair cut and relive your childhood this week with a re-imagining of KNIGHTMARE TV show for the stage.
    https://myticket.co.uk/artists/knightmare-live

    Really – who would believe it? Back three weeks and we’ve sold an ad. Actually one that’s relevant to B3ta readers. KNIGHTMARE LIVE FFS! How good is that? Some some fucking tickets ok?


    : OFFICAL B3TA INTERVIEW WITH JESUS
    OK, ‘Tory’ Jesus

    Yep. Always bringing your exclusives we’re got an interview with Jesus. Yes, Jesus has risen again and he’s come back as a Tory, the fucking Tory arsehole. Make sure you read this – Tory Jesus is fucking brilliant.
    http://b3ta.com/blog/tory-jesus-twitter-account/


    : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING RECENTLY
    Amazing stuff – truly wonderful things

  • THE NAKED GUN RANDOM INTRO SEQUENCE GENERATOR – Monkeon has made a brilliant thing that plays random gifs in the style of the Naked Gun intro. Turn up the sound.
    http://www.monkeon.co.uk/nakedgun/

  • COMPUTER FUN – a great little visual gag from drivelsieve. Utterly charming.
    http://b3ta.com/links/Computer_fun

  • HOW CRIMINAL IS YOUR NAME – actually a worky project from Matt Round but we’re bunging it in coz it’s very UsVsTh3m – the particular viral mechanism of encouraging people to look up their own name. We recommend looking up Donald.
    https://www.gotocourt.com.au/how-criminal-is-your-name/

  • SAYING GOOD BYE TO DAD – Ornsack’s dad sadly passed away last year and he was best known for making the well-loved kids’ TV show Trapdoor. Ornsack writes, “My dad passed away last March whilst making an animated series in his spare time. I’ve been desperately trying to finish it for him alongside a few of his mates. We are nearly done! Aiming for a March release on trusty-ol’ YouTube. In the mean time local BBC News interviewed me about it over Christmas. YEAH I SHOULD HAVE POSTED THIS EARLIER. Never mind.”
    http://b3ta.com/links/Finishing_My_Dads_Work

  • SHED OF THE YEAR 2007 – the project unclewilco launched on B3ta back in 2007 is going great guns and now is a TV show and subject og a huge Guardian feature. Amazing work old chap.
    https://goo.gl/4qapS7

  • HELP BUILD A FURTIVE BEAR – b3tas are working together to build a Furtive Bear using a collaborative pixel app. Currently there’s huge cock on it. Yay.
    http://pixelcanvas.io/@389,1748


    : GETTING INTO PRIVATE EYE BY TELLING RUPERT
    MURDOCH TO “FUCK OFF”

    Very pleased to get this press clipping from Private Eye about this very newsletter’s editor, who was simply amusing himself one day on Twitter and managed to get the message “Fuck off Murdock” into The Sun online newspaper.
    https://goo.gl/MlqG7w


    : SIX PEOPLE WHO DID DIE IN THE MIDDLE-AGES

    @DeathMedieval is a superb Twitter bot that posts “real deaths from medieval coroners’ rolls” Here’s a handful of our absolute favs:

  • A dead man, found in 1362 by John Atfield, who had not been wounded, but “somewhat lacerated by dogs.”
  • Bertram Polet, found dead in 1271, assumed to have been slain by “evil-doers.”
  • Henry Costentin, died 1267 after his feet slipped and fell upon a pole of his wheat cart, which did penetrate into his fundament (buttocks)
  • Henry, son of Nicholas le Clerk, died at age 14 in 1432, dragged to death by a horse which had been startled by a bird
  • Johanna, daughter of Bernard de Irlaunde, died in 1322, being mortally bitten by a sow while lying in her cradle. The sow valued at 13 1/2 d
  • John Clerk, stabbed in 1366 by by Adam Case with knife thirteen inches long after “opprobrious words” were exchanged in a field.

    Seriously. Shit the bed. You need to follow the fuck out of this.
    https://twitter.com/DeathMedieval


    TWEET OF THE WEEK 1/5 – @sehnaoui

    “People next to me are loud and rude. They just
    found the perfect name for their new business. I
    just bought the domain name.”


    : SWEAR CLOCK UPDATE

    Last week we launched Swear Clock and we’ve noticed that simple direct swears often get the most engagement. But the baroque ones are my favs. So here’s just five from what people are calling “that clock thing that swears”

  • Shit Jesus’s Bed And Wank On A Bible It’s 10:30AM
  • Spunk On A Cottage Pie It’s 10:30AM
  • Fuck An Owl And Blame Alan Shearer It’s 11:30AM
  • Touch Rob Brydon’s Anus With A Porcelain Dog Collection It’s 11:30AM
  • Spunk On A Blankety Blank Chequebook And Pen It’s 11:30PM

    We’re also pleased to see an article in The Metro.
    https://goo.gl/yMxBky

    Also got a lovely mention from from Nick Doody on BBC Radio 4’s “That Was the Tweet That Was”
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b08q60r5

    Getting media attention is a surprise as although we obviously want our projects to be popular and get talked about, Swear Clock really is fucking rude. Not just fucks and cunts, but random and surreal abuse of celebrity’s genitals with mundane objects. On half past the hour – every hour. Fuck yeah.
    http://twitter.com/swearclock


    TWEET OF THE WEEK 2/5 – @PetFran48

    “It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a
    Tory in possession of a fortune must be in need of
    some more”


    : THREE BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
    All the good stuff from /board

  • A STAR TREK NOSTALGIC CLASSIC – (Mofaha)
    http://b3ta.com/board/11226508

  • KEEP ‘EM CORBYN – (MrDoucheBags)
    http://b3ta.com/board/11226082

  • TORY MALWARE – (Artist: HSDriver)
    http://b3ta.com/board/11226131


    : VIDEO SCHMIDEO
    Like TV but even shittier

  • THIS “STRONG AND STABLE” DAFT PUNK REMIX IS FUCKING MARVELLOUS
    http://b3ta.com/links/1439250

  • THIS DOCUMENTARY ON ELECTRONIC MUSIC PIONEER DELIA DERBYSHIRE IS ALSO FUCKING MARVELLOUS
    http://b3ta.com/links/1439405

  • NEWSREADERS IN THE PUB IS A PRETTY GOOD SKETCH
    http://b3ta.com/links/1440187

    Right. That’s enough video. If you want loads of video go to the popular bit of /links. Loads of fucking video there sunshine.
    http://b3ta.com/links/popular/


    TWEET OF THE WEEK 3/3 – @somecleverthing

    “Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to
    Dying Alone”


    : BUY MUSHYBEES T-SHIRTS

    We ballsed up the link to Mushybees t-shirt last week shop – so here’s the correct one.

    We recommend classics like “don’t vote Tory” and “Piers Morgan is a bell end”
    https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/mushybeestees


    : THINGS WE’D LIKE TO SEE THIS WEEK
    Yes, you can star in this newsletter

  • COOKING WITH SPECTRUMS – There’s a niche but potentially funny YouTube video idea in this. Set up your ZX in kitchen and try and cook along
    https://twitter.com/PulpLibrarian/status/864904222063689728

  • KICKSTOPPER – donate to prevent tedious journalists posting their terrible takes

    TWEET OF THE WEEK 4/5 – @dotmund

    “Iggy Pop was 70 this year. I know this because of
    the song 1969, in which he states that he was 21
    the previous year”


    : SLOGANS MANGLED BY MAY

    In the week where Theresa May actually said “what it is says on the tin is what they will get” we were amusing to see people making their own #slogansmangledbymay

  • “In order to return the freshness, we must not only do the vacuuming, but also shake.” –
  • “Iron Brew, Made in The North from Bollards” –
  • “My friend Marmite” –
  • “They’re tasty, and tasty
  • means
  • tasty.” –
  • “Go to work after eating an egg” –
  • “Enjoy a rest with your Kit Kat” –

    Suggestions from @petetavna, @Okeating, @DanielMudford, @mrwriterman79, @GeeItSomeLaldy, @JoeScaramanga.


    TWEET OF THE WEEK 5/5 – @ZoeTomalin

    “Getting BBC news alerts at the moment is like
    being in a Whatsapp group with Satan”


    : IMAGE CHALLENGE
    Make Corbyn Electable

    Here’s the best images from last week:

  • “HE’S JEREMY, JEREMY, JEREMY RIMMER, WITHOUT HIM LIFE WOULD BE MUCH GRIMMER…..” ETC. – (Barbarossa)
    http://b3ta.com/board/11225810

  • KEEP ‘EM CORBYN – (MrDoucheBags)
    http://b3ta.com/board/11226082

  • “I’M FREE!” – (Q4nobody)
    http://b3ta.com/board/11225770

  • See all the other images from the ‘Make Corbyn Electable’ challenge:
    http://b3ta.com/challenge/corbynelectable

    >> This week: After TV << What jobs do fictional tv characters do after their shows have finished? Show us with the power of computational image manipulation what line of work Yogi bear went in to, how Captain Picard funds his continuing space trips and how The Fonz pays his leather jacket and RSI thumb surgery bills.
    http://b3ta.com/challenge/aftertv


  • FINALLY A GOOD USE FOR FACEAPP – This guy going around a museum and using FaceApp to add smiles to classical art is such a good idea. Would be lovely to try this in a UK gallery too.
    https://goo.gl/LruamB


    : REJECTED (BUT GOOD NEWSLETTER TITLES)
    Fuck it, it’s good content brad

  • ENTERING YOUR INBOX LIKE A SEX-STARVED JULIAN ASSANGE (TRIBS)
  • FUCK ME OVER A BARREL IT’S HALF PAST NEWSLETTER O’CLOCK (BARBAROSSA)
  • JULIAN ASSANGE SHOULD BE ARRESTED FOR THE CRIME OF DRESSING A CAT IN A SHIRT AND TIE (SMALLBRAINFIELD)
  • WE’RE STILL BACK AND TORIES ARE STILL CUNTS (MANIC)
  • NO NEWSLETTER IN HISTORY HAS BEEN TREATED WORSE THAN THIS (ARNIIE)
  • ANOTHER B3TA NEWSLETTER. WE’RE GOING TO KEEP MAKING THESE UNTIL YOU SEND US ENOUGH BITCOINS (ENCELADUS)
  • THE OFFICIAL 2017 PROCRASTINATION MANIFESTO (@TWEETSBYJT)
    http://b3ta.com/board/11226621


    : EVERY SINGLE THING MARK E SMITH HATES
    According a wonderful 1987 magazine feature

  • Brown bread with bits in it
  • All Sunday papers
  • Mature guys with ponytails
  • Scotch pop groups featuring pseudo intellectuals
  • The Cure’s one record
  • All Welsh groups
  • All new American groups
  • All Dutch groups
  • Anything connected with New Model Army
  • Chablis wine V
  • Vietnam War
  • Iran/Iraq War
  • Mexican food
  • Berlin
  • Leeds
  • American football
  • Mike Smith
  • Nescafe
  • All fruit juice
  • Boddie and Waddle
  • Embassy No 1
  • Marlboro 100’s
  • Royal Air Force
  • Eddie Murphy
  • British science fiction
  • Stephen King
  • All new American and British cartoons
  • British Electricity
  • France (permanent)
  • Martin Amis
  • Pop stars in new silver cars
  • Rock on television
  • Plastic grebos in Doctor Martens boots. (You’d never get a real biker to wear them.)
    https://twitter.com/20thcenturymarc/status/863770679132520450


    : KNIGHTMARE LIVE – 21st & 28th May
    Sponsored link – yes really, a good one too
    It is like the 1980s again: A tory landslide on the horizon and kids with buckets on their heads is entertainment. Get a shit hair cut and relive your childhood this week with a re-imagining of KNIGHTMARE TV show for the stage.
    https://myticket.co.uk/artists/knightmare-live

    Yes we’ve repeated the ad at the bottom. It’s called trying to play nice with the people who waved money at us. It’s a good idea.


    : CREDIT
    Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson.
    Newsletter title by Mighty Nibus.


    Follow b3ta on Twitter:
    https://www.twitter.com/b3ta


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