I'm moving
Stressful thing... um...

Can someone invent a decent teleport?
(moobat, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:17, archived)

Ok
I just have


EDIT : YOU DO REALISE THAT YOU WERE GONNA GET RESPONSES LIKE ALL THESE, RIGHT ?
( koit WWW.HIGHASAKOIT.CO.UK, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:18, archived)

i did
but i invented it in the past.. then my time machine battery fucked up so i can't go back and fix it :(
( popt_art, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:18, archived)

Wasn't maplins around in those
days?
( witchy :: Best before:, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:21, archived)

surely if they ever did
they'd have popped over to tell you about it.
:)
( Professor Fnord Regius Professor of B3ta Chronology, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:18, archived)

I invented one last year.
But to test it I teleported the teleporter and the sodding diagrams.

*fuck*
( Hugo Rune, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:19, archived)

I find that if I go out drinking in the town where I live,
I can magically end up at home with no memory of intervening time.

This leads me to conclude that alcohol gives me teleportation powers.
(goat thinks you're shit, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:19, archived)

...
I think it's called a "beer scooter"
( GigerPunk has, most likely, slept since, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:21, archived)

magic taxi ™
( popt_art, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:23, archived)

.
www.teleportation-devices-built-specifically-for-moving-wood-furniture.co.uk
( sargant, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:19, archived)

By 'decent' I assume you mean one that won't turn you into a half-man/half-fly?
And you're asking us? You'll end up half-man/half-kitten...
Mind you, you'd prolly be abel to rake the money in if you then started up a fluffies website...
(apologies if I should've said half-woman, instead of half-man...couldn't be arsed to check profile)
( GigerPunk has, most likely, slept since, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:20, archived)

It's quite simple really
Every entity that acts as a wave has a defined speed that is based on the initial frequency of its transmitter. Light particles act as waves and have a set speed of 184,000 miles per second, sound travels in waves at around 761 miles per hour at standard temperature and air pressure, so why shouldn’t something like time also travel in waves? In many ways tachyons and other time-traveling particles are very similar to the aforementioned two, and they seem to interact with time quite well.

Consider the situation of a man walking and tripping over a rock. As he hits the ground we all assume that his impact is instantly recorded in cosmological history and thus has been set into the fabric of the universe in that instant. However, how do we know that time is instantaneous? It is quite possible that every event sends out a ‘wave’ of time, a chronowave, which rapidly expands across the universe ‘spreading the news’ of the said event. The evidence for this is very questionable, but sound nonetheless; it would explain phenomenon such as the speed of light being the limit of conventional physics. Space ships do not slow down as they approach the speed of light, they simply reach the outermost edge of this wave; to go any faster would be impossible because the ship would be attempting to move at a greater speed than time could acknowledge, much like when someone overdrives their headlights in a car. Chronowave would explain why time seems to travel slower for objects traveling at higher speeds: as the object approaches the edge of its wave time becomes more and more distorted due to a diminishing frequency and thus begins to expand itself to prevent the paradox of overdriving the wave. The idea, however, that time’s frequency diminishes as with all waves brings up several questions. Let’s say some aliens living on the other side of the universe were going on with their every day lives when the man tripped on the rock. Could it be possible that from their perspective the man never actually tripped because by the time the wave reached them its frequency had diminished to the point where it could not be ‘read’ by the space in which they reside? Maybe by our perspective these aliens don’t even exist because their births have never been recorded! Also, because the universe is expanding, is it becoming exponentially harder to reach its edges? I believe so.

Consider time travel, according to chronowave theory, time travel could only be attained if one were to accelerate away faster than the speed of time itself, thereby escaping any approaching waves. However, one would only be able to escape events in the direction opposite the velocity of the traveler, so it would not be possible to travel back in time on Earth unless you started your journey at a distance away from it. The initial problem with this is that as long as one stays outside the wave, time does not reverse itself, but merely stands still as the event cannot catch up to the traveler. However, if one were to travel long enough to allow the frequency to diminish into nothing, he could then double back and arrive on Earth to find that no events have happened since his departure. Additionally, because the traveler would be emitting his own chronowaves, the Doppler effect would cause them to be pushed backwards like this. Anyone observing the traveler from the front would see him approach at an incredible speed, but as he passes he would slow down to almost a complete rest. From this we can calculate that time must actually be bell-shaped, the observer being roughly in the center. If he were to peer towards the wide end he would see that it was almost cylindrical, allowing quick passage of events, but looking toward the other end he would see that objects traveling along the inside of the bell would eventually come to a stop as they reach the inner most point, just like the rocket!

Unfortunately I am not the biggest fan of math, so this theory can only be expressed in words and shoddy diagrams. However, after several years of soaking up data I am quite sure that chronowave theory is entirely plausible.

Complying with the Law of Conservation of Mass and energy we find that no force can have an infinite effect. Gravity complies with this by causing objects to gain mass as they accelerate, so time must also comply in such a way. Elastic Time revolves around the assumption that time extends itself as its events fade further into the past. For example the time between 2000 and 2001 is actually smaller than the time between 1900 and 1901. The fourth dimension does not add time in, but rather extends it as the force that binds it together weakens. This theory is much like Chronowave theory, only set strictly in the fourth dimension; it can even be used to explain why time travel to the future is impossible and why time travel to the past may not be as easy as it seems.

Because we have already established that physical objects emit waves throughout space, it can also be argued that temporal objects emit waves throughout time. And because time only flows in one direction (according to our perception, anyway) these waves are also pushed backwards towards the dawning temporal event (supposedly the Big Bang) like this. The waves have strong attractive force and thus they pull the nearby events towards them, however, as with all waves, the frequency weakens after a certain distance and thus is no longer capable of pulling on them. The resulting effect is that time actually flows slower in the past, and as you go further back this impediment increases until the dawn of the universe where it is zero. If you were to plot this on a coordinate plane you would have to draw a downward curving parabola with a midpoint about a quarter of the way down. Starting at the top you would plot a series of dots at even intervals along the line; the direction of time flow is downward. Now although the dots are at even intervals on the line, relative to the time flow (Y-axis) they would be constantly expanding. By stretching the line downward (and adding in points where necessary) you would have a good representation of what Elastic Time looks like.

Previously it was believed that the other galaxies in the universe were either stationary or moving away at a constant speed. We now know this to be untrue, as Edwin Hubble has proved that they are actually accelerating faster and faster away from us in all directions. And this theory shows that the dawn of time itself is actually accelerating away, not just moving at a rate of 1 year per year!

The current theory of Einsteinian gravitation is partially correct, but some refinement is needed. The problem with it is that most people, including the man himself, have trouble applying it to a 3-dimensional model. Einstein formulated his rubber sheet theory, in which the universe is like a flexible sheet of rubber. Large masses sit atop this sheet and stretch it downwards a distance relative to their own mass and volume. Black holes are formed when an object of extremely high mass with little volume stretches it too tightly for light to be able to “get back up” to the rest of the universe. However, try to imagine this in a 3-D model and problems arise. Which direction is down? What exactly do the planets push on?

Einstein also stated that orbits form when an object’s mass bends space into a circle, forcing the planet to move along the circumference. In the rubber sheet model this would be like having a ball so heavy on the sheet, that it would pull the rubber down and around it to form the orbit like this. However, the obvious problem is that the mass is stuck at the “bottom” of the orbit rather than being in the center, meaning anything orbiting the mass would slam into it on its nearest pass. Not to mention there is no room left for different gravitational strengths; all orbiting objects must follow the same path in this model, which simply is not true. However, with a bit of thinking I seemed to have solved most of these problems.

Imagine, if you will, a gigantic gelatin cube; this represents a chunk of the universe. If you manage to place a bowling ball in the middle without damaging the gelatin’s structure, you would see that the ball would push the surrounding jelly-verse outward. For a clearer picture, imagine yourself putting on a latex glove. The lining of the glove would be compressed outward away from the expanding effect of your hand. Another good analogy would be your fist hitting a punching bag. Your fist has enough force to compress the bag into a smaller area. And although it takes up less area, the bag-universe still retains its mass. In the gelatin model, Gelatin near the surface of the ball would be packed tightest, and as the observer moves away he would notice the gelatin becomes more relaxed because less and less force from the ball is pushing on it. Reality, however, is quite the opposite of this. If you apply Einstein’s theory to a 3D model, we see that high-mass objects would actually “suck” space inwards causing anything and everything in the universe to be pulled towards its epicenter. This principle is odd when applied to every day items: When you put a latex glove on it actually gets smaller, when you punch a punching bag it punches you back!

One possible explanation for this phenomenon is that mass actually overrides the forces of the “normal” universe. In normal space (with no mass or energy) the universe has specific laws, many of which are opposite to that of occupied space (with mass and energy). The presence of a mass can actually reverse these standard laws, causing everything to take on a new nature (this is very difficult to put into words). But because gravity is asymptotic, this effect diminishes over distances and thus a planet’s attraction lessens, but is always present at all points.

The reason gravity actually attracts objects is due to the universal rule of pressure: Matter in areas of high density tends to move towards areas of low density. This is the same principle that causes air to escape a balloon. Imagine that absolute distance in space is measured by tiny units called Planck lengths, the length of which is extremely tiny: The smallest possible measurement of space (although length is not a proper term, as weight is equally vague). Large masses, however, have the capability of stretching these intervals inward toward their centers. Let’s say a planet has extremely high gravity, enough that an interval in normal space would be stretched to the size of two intervals if on the surface of the planet. This means everything is actually twice as tall as it normally would be and light takes twice as long to escape, although an observer on the surface would not notice, as his body would be stretched proportionately. However, gravity is not uniform. An object stretched to twice its size on the surface would only be 1 ½ times its size at a respective distance from the planet. Because of this, the bottom half of the object wants to fall at a specific constant speed, but the upper half wants to fall at a slower one. The result is acceleration! The reason objects orbit other objects is, quite simply, because they stay at in a ring-shaped “safe zone” of relatively equal gravitational pull towards the mass which they orbit. Now the reason masses can actually stretch the universe can be explained if one is willing to accept the existence of a 5th dimension of space-time. Just as with Einstein’s rubber sheet theory, planets do push on the universe simply because they have high mass, but this push is not in a downward direction, they push “inward.” Not because gravity pushes them along the 5th dimension, but because gravity is the 5th dimension!

Because the English language is centered on three-dimensional concepts such as up, down, left, and right, this is very difficult to explain. The best analogy I have come up with is this: Imagine the universe is like a four-dimensional fabric, and the only thing guarding us against being compressed under our own gravity is the fact that the fabric exists at all. This brings us back to something similar to the rubber sheet theory, only this time we have valuable information. If we were to cut a hole in the rubber sheet, current hypotheses suggest we would open up a gateway to a new universe. Sadly this is only science fiction, a hole in the sheet would allow an object (or a person) to “fall” through it. And what would be on the other side? A painful realm of exponentially increasing gravity! The observer would not actually go anywhere; he would just be constantly compressed for eternity.

And this is how gravity really works. It’s not a force, it’s a direction.

Now, what does this have to do with teleportation? Well, quite simply, the principle of time travel and gravitational displacements are both directly connected to it. Simply apply my principles to direct a chosen mass towards another timeline within our own world, and your furniture should move by quantum tunneling.

Woo yay.

Edit: Schematic is here---> Schematic
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:23, archived)

I felt like I needed a Viking Boat and a crew of 30 Stout Vikings
and a good following wind to traverse that message.

(no really! I actually did)I took a deep breath rounded them up and set forth.
The fact i'm writing this means I made it.
( Professor Fnord Regius Professor of B3ta Chronology, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:24, archived)

Personally
I would have shot the poster.

Mind you, I'd shoot a toaster if I had a chance.
( Hugo Rune, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:28, archived)

you could just post a link

( popt_art, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:25, archived)

Can't post a link
to something I just typed.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:27, archived)

you know you can?
you could make it a .txt file or a word file and ppl could download... post a bit of the test because let's face it, no cunt will really read it and digest it here...
( popt_art, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:32, archived)

I did



oh.
( kitty meow meow, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:32, archived)

Even LESS would read it
If they saw all 10 pages of the full thing on a bland, white background TXT file.

Plus it wouldn't be funny.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:34, archived)

it wasn't anyway

( popt_art, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:36, archived)

Was too!
I laughed =)
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:38, archived)

well i read and liked it
mind you, i read and like watchtower, so my opinion is slightly off-centre
( spacefish portable wetnork graphic, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:43, archived)

Straight blag from
"brief history of time"

*apart from the bits which wassn't :)*
( Hugo Rune, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:33, archived)

Actually
This is all mine, thanks.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:33, archived)

If that is the case..
Then I bow to you most severly.

Concise and interesting it is..

Was the "consider a [insert metaphor]" which got me - very like the now legendary wheelchair user..

Are you a genius by any chance? If so, could you please get the Bank Of Engerlandeded to put loads of lovely money in my account?

Then go back in time and cover up your tracks?

Thanks!
( Hugo Rune, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:36, archived)

I can
But I won't =)

Coz I'm a bastard =)
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:37, archived)

oh fuck off
show-off :)
( sargant, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:25, archived)

I refuse to read that!

( Az The Spaz, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:26, archived)

anything can tunnel in principal
It's just very unlikely. Still, I keep waiting for my hand to go through a wall one day :)

and isn't the smallest length 10^-35 meters? I think it is, but I'm not sure...
( kitty meow meow, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:27, archived)

Yes
Planck length
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:28, archived)

that sounds like a bit
for Mystery Bob

or maybe not...
( kitty meow meow, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:29, archived)

I'm awash in a sea of
meaningless text! Margh! Think of the children, Doreen!
( witchy :: Best before:, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:27, archived)

...
I'll be billing you for a new scroll-wheel mouse...mine's a bit knackered after having to get through all that....
( GigerPunk has, most likely, slept since, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:35, archived)

Blah
I can get through it with one scroll.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:41, archived)

Is it a magic scroll?
?
( GigerPunk has, most likely, slept since, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:48, archived)

Reaches for aspirin...
Oh my, pricless quote of the day "this is very difficult to explain. The best analogy I have come up with is this: Imagine the universe is like a four-dimensional fabric...." WTF???

However the diagram is very helpful, may I quote you in my Doctoral Thesis please? :)
( Traducer, Sun 4 May 2003, 9:05, archived)

the shifting boxes is the best bit, so make the most of it
the sorting out of paperwork is the gnarly bit!
( spacefish portable wetnork graphic, Sun 4 May 2003, 1:25, archived)