The truth


From the Ronseal Plots challenge. See all 754 entries (closed)

( A Vagabond his uzi weighs a ton, Thu 29 May 2008, 14:57, archived)

i think this is probably the best so far

( new_matt, Thu 29 May 2008, 14:57, archived)

Enchanted?

( Joliet has a bun in the oven. Gas Mark 1 for 9 months, Thu 29 May 2008, 14:58, archived)

No, clearly,
it's the third in a trilogy of Bible posts.
( Thinker, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:00, archived)

Ah
But it's not a warm, pretty, story. There's sacrifices, the obliteration of mankind by flood (except for 8 people and a funk load of animals), infanticide, betrayal, adultery, humans doing everything asked of them and used as playthings by a bored God and fallen angel and other shite I can't be bothered to list.
( Joliet has a bun in the oven. Gas Mark 1 for 9 months, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:03, archived)

But, if you were a God,
or even a priest in the early-mid 2nd Millennium, that's the kind of story that would have made you reach for the joytissues.
( Thinker, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:13, archived)

does it come with tissues?
:D
( discomeats COME BACK MOGGY! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!, Thu 29 May 2008, 14:58, archived)

no
that's a warm, horny story
( Smash Monkey worth climbing a cheese for, Thu 29 May 2008, 14:59, archived)

oh, you....
;-)
( J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:00, archived)

heheh
there's nothing wrong with a bit of horn ;)
( Smash Monkey worth climbing a cheese for, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:01, archived)

;)
a bit of 24/7
( J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:03, archived)

hmmm
i don't want to dislocate my hip again!
( Smash Monkey worth climbing a cheese for, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:04, archived)

:D

( discomeats COME BACK MOGGY! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:01, archived)

warm, moist and slightly sticky

( Smash Monkey worth climbing a cheese for, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:02, archived)

filled with regret and shame
and hoping the breakfast is worth it

:D
( discomeats COME BACK MOGGY! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:04, archived)

if it's a full english with black pudding and no beans
it's ALWAYS worth it!
( Smash Monkey worth climbing a cheese for, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:05, archived)

*ponders a "black pudding and 2 beans" type of joke*
:D
( discomeats COME BACK MOGGY! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:06, archived)

a perfect full english should consist of:
3 sausages
3 bacon
2 eggs, sunny side up
2 slices ulster fry
3 slices black pudding
portion of tinned plum tomatoes, NOT diced or half a fresh one
large portion fried mushrooms
1 slice fried bread, cut into 2 triangles
2 slices buttery toast
tomato sauce
mug NOT cup of tea.
( Smash Monkey worth climbing a cheese for, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:19, archived)

I need beans
and no black pudding

I don't do that crazy jazz, man

and I'm not fond of fried mushrooms

:D
( discomeats COME BACK MOGGY! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:24, archived)

i'm hungry now
you bastard
( Joe Scaramanga Nothin's gonna stop me gettin' to the Caymans, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:29, archived)

Do you really pay attention to the story in porn, though?

(emcake putting a donk on it since, Thu 29 May 2008, 14:59, archived)

well, lets face it
it's all about the techinical use of tools

and there's no way he's going to fix her leaky outlet with an inadequate plunger
( discomeats COME BACK MOGGY! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:00, archived)

we had a man come round to fix our washing machine today
The temptation to shout 'bow chicka wow-wow' was amazing.
(emcake putting a donk on it since, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:02, archived)

hahaha
:D

he probably gets it all the time, arf arf
( discomeats COME BACK MOGGY! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:03, archived)

You don't have to wank during every film that you watch.
I only recently found this out
( Cockweasle, Thu 29 May 2008, 14:59, archived)

but some bits of bambi, it's hard not to

( discomeats COME BACK MOGGY! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:01, archived)

I know, especially when the mother deer dies.

( Cockweasle, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:02, archived)

crikey man!
*rumbles*
( discomeats COME BACK MOGGY! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:04, archived)

=D

( Cockweasle, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:05, archived)

hahaha
I have a credit system of romantic comedies vs horror/sci-fi films going with my missus, my god I've had to sit through some rubbish..
( Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Thu 29 May 2008, 14:59, archived)

has she forced you to sit through bridget jones?
if so, i feel your pain.
( Smash Monkey worth climbing a cheese for, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:00, archived)

Love Actually
was my one, she made me sit through it even though I was literally in tears of suffering.
( pobblepop I'm too old for this shit., Thu 29 May 2008, 15:01, archived)

my ex used to bring shit like that for me to watch
i'm sure he has a large quantity of gay in him. i'd much rather watch dog soldiers.
( Smash Monkey worth climbing a cheese for, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:03, archived)

"I hope I give you the shits you fucking wimp!"
:OD
( Joliet has a bun in the oven. Gas Mark 1 for 9 months, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:07, archived)

eeeeeeeeee!!!
i fucking love spoon!
( Smash Monkey worth climbing a cheese for, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:10, archived)

Your ex actively wanted to watch Bridget Jones?
That is teh gay :[
( Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:09, archived)

aaaarhg god
I had to sit through Love Actually, it sucked the sweat off a dead mans balls..

I've avoided Bridget Jones so far, but it's only a matter of time.. If it comes to that, then she's watching Planet Terror :D
( Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:05, archived)

i want a copy of bridget jones
and a hammer.
( Smash Monkey worth climbing a cheese for, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:09, archived)

Interestingly enough
The decision to go see soppy rom-coms is usually a decision made by both partners, not the stereotype of the woman picking a rom-bom and the man picking explosions.

_{Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with a good love story, as long as there's explosions too.}
(emcake putting a donk on it since, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:01, archived)

I used to go out with a girl who liked exactly the same films as me and also playing streetfighter 2.
I liked her.
( Cockweasle, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:04, archived)

Used to?
Christ, why'd you stop?!
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:05, archived)

because I became addicted to brine

( Cockweasle, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:06, archived)

As much as I'm a gamer myself, I wouldn't want a gamer girlfriend
I have enough friends to talk about games with, and that gets old soon enough.

A passing interest would be nice, but anything more than that and your entire relationship becomes based on a mututal love for mario kart rather than any affection

_{Plus a lot of them are quite sad and scary.}
(emcake putting a donk on it since, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:06, archived)

something I have never done is pigeonhole myself as a "gamer"
believe it or not, I do enjoy many other things as well
( Cockweasle, Fri 30 May 2008, 0:06, archived)

Me and mine have an understanding
I don't watch Dirty Dancing... she doesn't watch Cannibal Holocaust
( Joe Scaramanga Nothin's gonna stop me gettin' to the Caymans, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:03, archived)

hahaha
you should have a double-bill night..

WTF is it with Dirty Dancing, why do virtually all women love that piece of shit film?
( Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:07, archived)

Winning Post
that's what that is.

*clicks*
( J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Thu 29 May 2008, 14:59, archived)

Is this a third Bible post?

( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:00, archived)

Woo, my first mindpiss!
:)
( Thinker, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:01, archived)

clever

(emcake putting a donk on it since, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:03, archived)

This can have a click
(and I'm being very particular about giving them out today).
( LeightonJimbo is proud to be a b3tan, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:02, archived)

Happy talking talking, happy talk

( Joe Scaramanga Nothin's gonna stop me gettin' to the Caymans, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:02, archived)

Sir, you are a genius.
*shakes hand firmly*
( J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:04, archived)

Thank you kindly
and thank you for having the patience to sit through it
( Joe Scaramanga Nothin's gonna stop me gettin' to the Caymans, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:08, archived)

You did a degree in Meeja Studies
AICMFP
( A Vagabond his uzi weighs a ton, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:04, archived)