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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 132: "SMEARING OUR SHITTY COCK ON YOUR TITS"

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This Week: 
* WEEBL - his finest work yet 
* FIREWORKS - ooh lots of pretty fireworks 
* B3TA RADIO - Putting your foot in your mouth 

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 132 - 23 Apr 2004

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http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue132/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Weebl, Fireworks, and Brian Blessed 

  >> Weebl & Lasers << 
  Jonti hoped to get his latest episode of 
  Weebl & Bob into the last newsletter but he 
  didn't finish it in time. He pleaded with us 
  to delay the newsletter, "God man! It's my 
  best work yet!" Anyway, it's finished now 
  and a mighty fine thing it is too. 
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/Team%20Laser%20Explosion.htm 


  >> Firework stupidity << 
  "My name's Ross", writes er... Ross, "I've been 
  filming my mates doing various unorthodox things 
  with fireworks. The best bit is near the end 
  where the next door neighbour has a bit of a
  benny!" Understandable, since he's nearly met
  a flaming death. 
http://www.rossb.co.uk/fireworks/ 


  >> Brian Blessed TV ad << 
  Mr Wheatley has spent much of his recent time 
  buggering about with modifying found video. 
  Here he's taken a Japanese commercial and 
  added the magic ingredient of Brian Blessed. 
  This is what Lost in Translation should have
  been like. 
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/gordan2.html 


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: HUMAN ZOO 
  People you don't want to meet 

  If b3ta wasn't busy running a website we'd 
  like to open a Human Zoo, with people instead 
  of animals. So put your flippers together and 
  throw some fish to our specimens. 

  >> Man in tights << 
  If you're looking for new wallpaper to stick on 
  your boss's PC whilst he's out having a drunken 
  lunch, you could do worse than this selection 
  of pictures of our new favourite German wearing 
  tights photoshopped into a fantasy setting. We'd
  say it was seemless, but it's more crotchless. 
http://modgirl.yafro.com/photo/6732 


  >> Fat bloke in Tron suit << 
  Science fiction can breed a strange madness in 
  people. Jay Maynard is a big fan of cult 80s 
  film Tron and we're a big fan of him. This 
  has been one of the most popular links on 
  the internet this week. 
http://www.ibiblio.org/jmaynard/TRONcostume/ 


  >> Extremely fat man in a dress << 
  What can be better than the joyful sight 
  of a cross-dressing lard-bucket eating a 
  huge bag of crisps? Surely this is what Tim 
  Berners-Lee had in mind when he created the 
  web. 
http://modgirl.yafro.com/photo/6732 


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates. 

  >> Boob scotch song <<
  Latter-day bluesman Bob Log III is a certified
  genius. Tap your toe to this great video,
  wherein he propounds his new cocktail idea.
  It's scotch and ice, but mixed together with
  the breasts of every lady in the room. That's
  for men obviously. We don't want to think
  about the equivalent for ladies. It would
  probably have sparkling white wine in it. Eww.
http://media.epitaph.com/epicenter/core/133/308/3572_hi.rm


  >> Cut-down Kirk <<
  William Shatner is the finest actor of his
  generation, there can be no argument about
  that. This eerie short Flash sees the great
  man displaying his full range of acting chops
  and simultaneously conjures the very best of
  the Star Trek franchise in condensed form.
http://khaaan.com/


  >> Stupid dog <<
  They say to always lock up your pets on Bonfire
  Night. Ostensibly this is because otherwise
  the poor creatures will be scared. That is
  clearly a lie. This vid shows the plain truth.
  Given the chance, your dog would go on a
  destructive, firework-wielding rampage.
http://www.fl4.net/rden/stupidDog.wmv


  >> No frills custom car <<
  We're crap with cars and can't even drive, so
  imagine our respect for people who spend their
  every waking moment dreaming ways to fine-tune
  their vehicle into an awesome techno-steed. Now
  double that figure to approach our feelings
  for the hapless Gaz who bravely brings the
  spirit of Blue Peter to his customised Vauxhall
  Nova - total budget £30.
http://www.migweb.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=116847


  >> Firework stunt <<
  We've all been there. You've got a whole box
  of fireworks, a crash helmet and a foolish
  mate. As bad ideas go, this one should win
  some sort of prize: Does it hurt to have a
  twenty rockets fired at you? The resulting
  video clip isn't remotely funny, but it is
  spectacular. One gets the impression that the
  unfortunate volunteer could be blinded at
  any moment.
http://www.chiseen.com/vidshare/md/human_target.html


  >> Honesty stamps <<
  A wonderful idea if you find yourself having
  to use the same phrases over and over. Avoid
  writer's cramp by purchasing rubber stamps of
  the most common. We've ordered "In all my
  life I've never met anyone as beautiful as
  you" and "I swear on my mother's grave I'll
  never do that again." They didn't have one
  about wanking, so we got the nearest
  equivalent.
http://www.mosleymeetswilcox.com/shop/shopstamps.htm


  >> Mummified cat adventures <<
  You're cleaning under your house and find a
  horrific-looking mummified cat. You or I might
  say "Eww" and throw it out. But that would be
  such a waste. See what fun this man has with
  one, taking it on an otherwise humdrum day
  repairing his car. We expect to see him and
  his cat on America's Most Wanted Serial
  Killers in the next couple of years.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ilblissli/20266.html?view=13866#t13866


  >> Ultimate Star Wars toy <<
  Star Wars merchandise is all very well, but why
  do they always stick to the small stuff, people,
  animals, and the like? These are mere child's
  toys and we hanker for bigger things. Things
  like this scale model of the frankly colossal
  spaceship from the opening scenes of the first
  film. You can play for ages with it, crush your
  foes and when you're done you can use it as a
  novelty coffin. Neat-O.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=2474&item=3188595825


  >> Cat freak encyclopaedia <<
  Like cats, but getting a bit... jaded? Have a
  gander at this comprehensive study of freakish,
  mutant cats. Apparently you should never call
  conjoined kittens 'Siamese kittens' - it
  confuses them. Standout quote for us: "the
  eerie sound of two muzzles crying." Possibly
  not for the easily upset.
http://www.messybeast.com/freak-cats.htm


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: B3TA RADIO 
  Putting your foot in it. 

  We've been asking for your tales about 
  social gaffes for our radio show. 

  Our favourite stories include: 

  * "There was a hot music teacher at my
    school, called Mrs. Brogden. My friend
    Badger was having a conversation with me
    and a few other friends, his back to the
    rest of the playground. We were discussing
    teachers at the time. She walked up behind
    him, about to ask one of us a question
    about some music coursework, opened her
    mouth and right on cue Badger said
    something along the lines of how he'd
    love to fuck Mrs. Brogden in the arse
    and smear his shitty cock on her tits.
    Her mouth didn't close, just hung there,
    face white with shock/terror. She walked
    off without saying anything. (John Doe)


  * "My mum was finishing her shopping and
    making her way home, she got stopped by a
    Big Issue seller. Seeing that the guy only
    had 1 copy left in his hand, she agreed to
    buy and said 'Oh that's your last one, you
    can go home. (Beaston) 


  * "As a young and hopelessly naive teenager 
    I'd heard many friends refer to 'Licking Out'. 
    Having no idea what this referred to but 
    assuming tongues where involved - I equated 
    the phrase with 'French Kissing.' Anyway months 
    later my Dad took me and my little brother to 
    pick up my older step-sister from the train 
    station for her regular visit. As usual we 
    immediately got chatting in the car on the 
    way home. 'So!' she said 'Who do you fancy at 
    school then?' 'Well,' I replied, 'there's this 
    girl in English called Sally... I'd lick her 
    out.'" (microsaulxp) 


  All this and more can be read here: 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/foot_in_mouth/ 


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: BIT TORRENT TV 
  What we've been watching this week 

  Bit Torrent rocks. It's totally changed the
  way we watch TV. We can now download the
  stuff we actually want to see and view it in
  our own time. 

  The crappy news this week is that one of the 
  main sites - torrentz.com - has gone down, due 
  to the internet curse of bandwidth and legal 
  problems. However Suprnova is still working 
  lovely. 

  To download telly you need to install a client. 
  There are many many, but for PCs we prefer ABC. 
http://pingpong-abc.sourceforge.net/download.html 


  This week we've been watching... 

  >> Takeshi's Castle << 
  We salute the genius of Japanese television 
  producers. They've dispensed with any ideas 
  of fair play and competition and reduced the 
  gameshow format down to ways to generate shots
  of people being hurt and humiliated. Genius. 


  >> The Tripods << 
  The 80's kids' sci-fi show that killed Dr Who 
  has turned up on SuprNova. We've caught about 
  3 episodes so far and it's a mixed blessing. 
  It's slow and the acting is terrible. However,
  the story is gripping and the Tripods still look 
  cool. Worth having a look if you enjoyed it 
  20 years ago, but probably not recommended 
  to younger readers. 


  >> South Park << 
  As it's open season on Michael Jackson, Matt 
  Stone and Trey Parker are taking their best 
  shot. Interestingly, they've concentrated on 
  the "he's a bad parent" angle. Which is er.. 
  quit reasonable really. Last week's Awesom-O
  episode was funnier, focusing on the
  relationship between Cartman and Butters
  - our favourite character the show
  has produced. 


  All this stuff and more is available via 
  the usual suspect of: 
http://www.suprnova.org/ 


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH 
  Bowl of Kittens 

  B3ta regular Casey has been photographing 
  kittens in bowls. They are the cutest thing
  in the world in convenient portable form.
  Can you come up with better? 
http://photos.caseyporn.com/show.php?show=dir&dir=kittens 

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on 
  the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE 
  Results from the Secret Government
  Departments Challenge 

  Each week we run a competition to test your 
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you 
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads. 

  Last week we wanted secret government
  departments that are responsible for ruining 
  your lives: 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/secretgovernmentdepartments/ 

  We asked b3ta boarder Sue Denham to judge
  the entries - here are her 3 faves. 

  Sue writes - 

  #1 "Wrong number - this made me laugh too much. 
     I'm just imagining the pile at the bottom of 
     the building. (Bad Horsey) 
http://b3ta.com/board/3051727 


  #2 "VATman - Thanks for proving that, beneath
     the meek and mild exterior, a superhero lurks
     in  every goverment desk jockey. (IceZebra) 
http://b3ta.com/board/3052259 


  #3 "Flashy thing - now you know what the MIB
     get up to when they aren't covering up the
     presence of aliens. Bastards." (Sponge Monkey)
http://b3ta.com/board/3052678 


  "Special mention must go to AmazonGirl for
  entering something that isn't exactly a secret
  department, but does explain an awful lot." 
http://b3ta.com/board/3067565 


  >> This Week's Challenge << 
  This week,the challenge dictator was back,
  nostalgic for happier times. He wants to know
  what life would be like "If the Commies had
  won the Cold War."
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ifthecommieshadwon/ 


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? 
  Follow-ups on previous stories. 

  * BABY PHOTOS - last week we linked to a site 
    with tonnes of photos of a baby hanging 
    out with celebs. 100s of you wrote in to 
    say you've discovered that the Baby's father 
    is an actor called Michael Zorek who played
    "Man" in "Can't Hurry Love". Actually, the
    actor himself wrote to us trying to blag
    a free t-shirt. Cheeky monkey. 
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0957905/ 


  * HUMAN CATAPULTS - we asked you to build 
    a slingshot that could throw people. Several 
    of you wrote in to say that extreme sports 
    groups have been offering this for a few 
    years and there have been numerous 
    casualties. Bugger. 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE 

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If 
  you are in it then people will see your stuff. 

  Things we'd really like to see include 

  * USB REMOTE CONTROL CARS WITH BUILT IN 
    WIRELESS VIDEO CAMERAS - how cool would that 
    be? Control the car via your computer
    keyboard with a video relay back to your PC
    so you can see what the car sees. Could be
    the office hit of 2005. 

  * USB BONG - it should both glow when you 
    such the pipe and have a cooling element 
    for lovely extra cold smoke. Could be be
    the student halls hit of 2005. 

  * USB MINI CATTLE PRODS - for tormenting and 
    training ants. Could be the insect
    discipline hit of 2005. Yadda yadda. 

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ 

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't 
  been featured then don't be put off - we look 
  at everything you send us. 

------------------------------------------------- 

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------------------------------------------------- 

  THANKS: 

  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. 
  Links sent in by people who we'll thank next
  week. It's all about the suspense.
  Top Tippery by ...we'll tell you next week.
  Do you see? Do you?
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. 
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder. 
  Proofing by no-one. Oops. (74730) 

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  TOP TIP: 
  If you have heat marks on polished furniture 
  mix cigarette ash with some olive oil, rub the 
  paste on the mark then buff it off. The mark 
  will disappear leaving your furniture smelling 
  cigarette fresh.

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