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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 133: "AN AFTERNOON OF YOUR LIFE YOU WON'T GET BACK"

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This Week:
* VIDEO - Man gets waxed
* WEEBL - Shoots ginger bloke with laser
* B3TA RADIO - Bukkake special

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 133 - 30 Apr 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue133/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Man wax, Lasers, Dots, Moon Nymphs & Cannibals

  >> Man waxing <<
  Ross B and his friends enjoy pain. That must be the
  only explanation for them wanting all of their
  body hair removed on camera. Edited to the lovely
  music of Richard Strauss it kind of reminds us of
  the aversion therapy bit in Clockwork Orange. Now
  we vomit every time we see chest hair.
http://www.rossb.co.uk/wax/


  >> Weebl Laser fan club <<
  Last week's Weebl and Bob superhero cartoon
  was so good that this week it has its own fan
  club. It's a particularly good episode, as it
  prominently features b3ta's ginger overlord
  Rob Manuel.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/tle%20club.htm


  >> The dot game <<
  You think you're pretty clever. You reckon you
  can handle pressure. But Shaun Russell is out to
  prove you a feeble-minded fool, with a simple
  game where the objective is just to click on
  the black dots with your mouse. Can you manage that?
http://beatstelevision.com/dotgame/


  >> Blue moon nymphs of pure sex <<
  "Isaac Newton and Samuel Pepys", exclaims
  Jason Kovacs, "were the genesis of all the
  scientific knowledge that we take for granted
  today. So you owe it to them to discover how
  they visited the moon in 1679 in my flash
  animation." Hooray - we know stuff all about
  science but we like the blue moon nymphs.
  We want to ptui up on their moon tits. 
http://www.bluegeckolounge.com/jazzyjay/tothemoon.html


  >> Cannibal chase game <<
  "Have you ever wanted to experience the thrill
  of being chased by cannibals?" booms Toby. "NOW
  AT LAST YOU CAN!!" They are quite small cannibals,
  but they ululate in a pleasing fashion as they
  chase you through a little tree maze.
http://www.netcartoon.net/cannibals/cannibals.php


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: THE HUMAN ZOO
  Man has sex with car

  We got this image in our inbox last night - 
  no explanation - no warning - and we didn't
  stop laughing for five minutes.
  
  Warning. Not safe for work. Unless you're a
  Tory MP.
http://www2.b3ta.com/images/tailpipe.jpg


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: B3TA RADIO
  Your best put-downs & Bukkake

  Each week we do a cheeky hour of Radio on
  London station ResonanceFM. 

  This week we're talking about the come-backs
  you're proudest of.

  Best stories include:

  * "A friend of mine had an argument with his
    Dad. He called him an 'old bastard'. His Dad
    replied with, "I would have sexually abused
    you as a child if you weren’t so fucking
    ugly.' (chuffster)


  * "Was out with a woman friend once when
    this happened. Random bloke, 'Ere, love,
    sit on me face.' Her, 'Why, is your nose
    bigger than your penis?' (isthisyou)


  * "I was seven, running around the garden,
    with a pointy stick. Suddenly my mum starts
    shouting from the kitchen, 'You'll have
    your eye out. What are you going to do
    then?' I replied 'I'll become a pirate mum!',
    and continued running around. (tef)


   Read all the stories here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bestcomebacks/


  >> Bukkake music guest <<

  We've also invited DogHorse - the singer
  songwriter genius of the "I Like Bukkake"
  track we featured the other week - into
  the studio to serenade us with his lovely
  voice. Watch the video again:
http://www2.b3ta.com/bukkake/



  Catch b3ta radio at 4pm BST today, Friday
  the 30th of April on 104.4FM in London, or
  via the live streaming web link:
http://www.resonancefm.com/resonance.m3u


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Chipmunks gone bad <<
  In the late eighties, Alvin and the Chipmunks
  were the cartoon animal band that had it all.
  This stylish animation returns to the group
  some 15 years on and the dream has very much
  gone sour. 
http://www.yorku.ca/casa/images/chipmunks.html


  >> South Park out-take <<
  This is Trey Parker's version of an old joke
  called 'The Aristocrats'. Basically, the start
  of the joke and the end remain the same. What
  changes is the middle, where each comedian who
  tells the joke tries to cram in as much disgusting,
  filthy and shocking material as (s)he can think
  of. Apparently, the joke stems from older US
  comedians trying to mess with new fresh talent
  by telling this joke just before they went on
  stage - and it's now a comedy circuit in-joke.
  The joke itself isn't funny, but it's not meant
  to be, it's just meant to be so over-the-top
  shocking that you don't realise that the
  punchline is rubbish. "If you tell this joke,
  then the joke's on you" kind of thing.
  Anyhow, enough of this background bollocks, watch
  Cartman do his worst.
http://van.envyfinancial.com/southparkjoke.wmv


  >> Naked men on the march <<
  Heap of Trouble is a short film about
  naked men singing and parading through
  a Cardiff housing estate, recruiting other
  men to join them. The song is extraordinarily
  catchy and we're sure to be humming it
  ourselves. Possibly while parading naked through
  London housing estates, recruiting other men
  to join us.
http://www.pureesoiree.be/Post/?P_ID=3869


  >> Human pyramid photography <<
  Jeff Linderoth has solved the problem of
  dull family photos. Give everybody something
  to do and you avoid the awkwardness of posed
  photography. What could be more relaxed and
  natural than forming a human pyramid? The
  weird thing? We're not actually joking. Look: 
http://www-unix.mcs.anl.gov/~linderot/fun/humanp.html

 
  >> Best animated gif in the world <<
  WOWOWOWOWO!!!!!1111 Cat lady dance. Dance
  cat lady dance. Once you've looked at this,
  eat your eyes. You'll have no use for them
  anymore.
http://monpa.golfcross.com/dwc/world.html


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: BEST XML FILE EVER
  Not a feature we'll be running very often
  
  The lovely people at Impulse deodorant seem to
  have collected a list of their favourite
  swearwords and hidden it away on their website.
  It's quite a comprehensive guide and we
  recommend any ambitious young swearers out
  there study it thoroughly. For posterity,
  here's the full list in all its glory. Deep
  breathe now:

  shit,  shite,  fuck,  fucker, fart, fanny,
  pussy, bosums, breasts, cunt, stab, kill,
  murder, cnut, twat, arse, tit, prick, cock,
  willy, bum, butt, spunk, bite, nipple,
  bloody, bastard, virgin, wank, shag, nob,
  cum, vagina, jism, gizz, muff, penis, plums,
  beaver, minge, anus, whore, spunk, gonads,
  bollocks, clit, bitch, slag, slut, felch,
  dick, penis, poo, wee, crap, piss, minger,
  munter, pubic, pubes, crabs, genital, wart,
  herpes, doggy, blowjob, suck, cunnilingus,
  fellatio, wanker, gaylord, pimp, felcher,
  fudgepacker, anal, gash, japseye, slut,
  slapper, bitch, burp, hole, smegma, labia,
  sphincter, hooker, prostitute, homo, pimp,
  gay, dyke, laid, quim, discharge, cum, gimp,
  filthy, shitter, bone, pump, rump, Swinger,
  Virginity, Lick, Missionary, 69, Fock,
  horny, moist, fcuk, lesbian, lezzer, lezza,
  vash, orgasm, Rim, Sack, Flaps, Starfish,
  Tripod, Scrotum, Lettuce, Finger, Bugger,
  Rape, balls, Donkey, snatch, mott.

  gary glitter, ball bag, axe wound,
  Give me one, I had him, I've had him,
  I had her, I've had her, I'd do him,
  I'd do her, I'd do you, Swing both ways,
  Bats for the other side, I like it dirty,
  Gang bang, Wanna do it?, I'm no virgin,
  I've done it, Wanna be my first?, I'm wet,
  Make me wet, At it, From behind, Bend over,
  Trouser snake, Tea bag,
  verticle bacon sandwich, bum bandit,
  marmite driller, vagina decliner, main vein,
  golden shower, gang bang, john thomas,
  bell end, sausage jockey, dirty sanchez,
  spit roast, chutney ferret, hairy pie,
  blow job, pork sword.

  See for yourself:
http://www.impulsegoddess.co.uk/obscenities_list.xml


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Baby kittens

  Oh it's a cliché but it's still true - there
  is nothing in life cuter than a baby kitten.

  This one is cute almost to the point of being
  horribly ugly. Like drowning in pony brains.
http://smith.dailyjolt.com/pictures/picture.html?picture_id=15272


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Commies Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted to see what would have
  happened if the commies had won the cold war:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ifthecommieshadwon/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Dr Phil Kitten' to judge
  the entries - here are her 3 faves.

  Dr Phil writes -


  #1 "Dissident Eraser - First entry, first class,
     first place. Absolutely brill. (Biriani)
http://b3ta.com/board/3085131

  #2 "Greetings From Kabul - A number of
     excellent entries from Mr d'Or, this one I
     picked at least partly 'cos it wasn't about
     Russia! (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://b3ta.com/board/3086238

  #3 "Who wants to be... - Uncanny. Looks like he
     captured Chris Tarrant and locked him up for
     years 'till the beard grew." (Duphrates)
http://b3ta.com/board/3103508

  "For no other reason than to prove I made it
  through 45 pages of entries, here's the
  now-traditional runner up: Monopoly by
  MentalPetey."
http://b3ta.com/board/3112816


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor DarrynR gave us
  the suggestion, "Photoshop Kenny Loggins"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kennyloggins/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * Smearing our shitty cock on your tits - we
    had a few complaints about the title of last
    weeks newsletter, so this week we've packed
    the main body of the newsletter with an equal,
    if not higher, density of filth and obscenity.
    Thanks again Impulse.


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: APOLOGIRS
  We nobbed it up

  Last week we were too excited by the prospect
  of finally losing our virginity to properly
  check the newsletter.

  First off the bloke in tights link is here.
  Have a look - it's still great:
http://www.tights69.de/fantasyg_engl.htm

  Oh and we accidentally linked to a scam site
  flogging some crappy software as it had
  a similar name to the site we intended
  to link to. Anyways - if you're looking
  for bit torrent telly downloads then
  try suprnova.org


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include


  * OMELETTE OR VOMLETTE - Cook eight omelettes 
    laced with rancid pork. Photograph the foods.
    Feed them to eight friends. Photograph the
    ensuing chundering and turn it into a
    woosome quiz. Tune? The Divinyls'
    I Touch Myself makes us inexplicably grin.

  * MAN-COCK OR HORSE-COCK. This could be a nice
    day out. Visit a horse sanctuary and a gay
    sauna and bring your camera. Make a quiz 
    etc etc. The tune obviously should be
    "I love horses."

  * HAMBURGER OR NANBURGER - an either/or quiz
    designed to test your abilities at telling
    the difference between granny flaps and
    McDonald’s finest beefs. All to the tune
    of The Beatles "When I'm 64". Maybe a couple
    of kittens at the top of the page to soften
    the tone. Er.. actually don't make this.
    We wouldn't link to it.


  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by James Nugent, GigerVamp, Djol
  (great southpark write-up), StrangeQuark,
  Dan Mozgai, frothvixen, tricky_soul and
  Alexandra Balcazar.
  Top Tippery by 8-Ball.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the zx b4ta spectrums. (74607)

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  TOP TIP:
  To clean a Thermos flask out, use the fizzy
  tablets that old people use on their false
  teeth. 

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