NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 137: "GOATSE DEATH DIVE"
This Week:
* ANIM - Kitten on a motorbike
* GAME - Goatse sky-diving
* RADIO - Your worst mini cab experiences
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 137 - 28 May 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue137/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Biker kittens, 3D Squirrels, Ikea & Sky-diving
>> Kittens on motorbikes <<
Rob Manuel & Joel Veitch have teamed up again
to bring you a video of a stunt kitten speeding
round London on a motorbike. "It's the best
thing we've ever done", enthuses Joel. Whilst
Rob states, "I was getting bored of kittens.
But this re-affirms my belief in kitteny flash
goodness." Watch it.
http://www.youthofbritain.com/chillout/
>> Squirrel band 3D <<
We're never short for animal bands on B3ta.
But thanks to VinylSqueakyDogtoy the genre
is inching forward. This is a big (8mb)
download so start it off now and look at
the rest of the newsletter whilst you're
waiting. It's worth it. You'll clap your
flippers like retarded seals. It's just
exactly that good.
http://trident.spodemedia.net/Sam/squizz.htm
>> Weebl visits Ikea <<
Jonti Picking has recently moved house and
been furnishing it with the finest tables
from Ikea. We told him to visit Argos online
instead, but he wouldn't listen. He found the
experience pretty appalling and has poured
his frustrations into his art.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/pikea.htm
>> Skydiving game <<
"I just finished this new game," badgers
Jamie Fuller, "Please use it in your newsletter
so I can get hit on by rich chicks and rock
stars." Not a problem. We're sure you'll have
supermodels on your dick like a shish kebab.
Oh, and it's a good little game too. You
have to fly your man through cartoon
Goatse clouds, all from an unusual overhead
perspective.
http://jamiefuller.com/flash/goatse.php
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: B3TA RADIO
Mini cabs from hell
Each week we grab an hour on Resonance FM
to talk crap.
This week we're doing stories about your
worst cab experiences.
Our favourite tale comes this week from
The Cobra -
"The cabby was obviously drunk, but it was late
and I knew my chances of getting another
were slim, so I buckled up.
"About a mile from my house there was a
terrible noise, the car veered across the road
and sparks began to fly around the car.
"Eventually cabbie gets out to see what's
wrong.
"He whips his cock out and pisses on the
damaged area. Probably believing his urine
contained some form of magical tonic.
"Lying in bed that night I swear I could still
hear his gentle sobbing."
That story and more on the site;
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/mini_cabs_from_hell/
You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Arses, Pong, Margarine & Nicotine
>> Fartmonica <<
"I've always wondered", ponders Tom Wyatt,
"if you could fart through a harmonica to
make it toot." Well the answer appears
to be no, but we got a cheap laugh
watching him try.
http://www.archive.org/movies/details-db.php
>> Pong vs. Swingball <<
"I love swingball and pong," exclaims Monkeon,
"but hate tennis, so I thought I'd do the
decent thing and make swingpong." What a novel
concept. BTW: This is a two player game so grab
a friend and give it a go.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/swingpong
>> Margarine love <<
"I think I might have a problem," confesses
SiX, "this is how I spend my time." Fucking
hell. Covering yourself in marg is a pretty
stupid thing to do - but it got a laugh
in B3ta towers.
http://snipurl.com/6q85
>> Nicotine coffee <<
"Have you heard of Nicowater?" enquires
WhiteDevil, "It's bottled water that's laced
with nicotine designed to be a quit-smoking aid.
I don't actually smoke, so I decided to try out
nicotine by cooking with this stuff..."
Impressive stuff. We want to try it.
http://www.ericisgreat.com/nicowater/index.html
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Lighter tracking <<
If you smoke you'll know the difficulty of
lighter ownership. Put one down for a second
and another smoker accidentally takes it
home with them. These guys have put tracking
devices in them, left them in the pub, and
used hi-tech surveillance techniques to
find out what happens next.
http://www.traces-of-fire.org/tracing/homeranges/i...
>> Drumming baby <<
One of the earliest web hits was the dancing
baby. You remember it - it ended its odd
little career in Ally McBeal. This clip from
a US comedy show - complete with annoying
studio laughter - moves the ancient idea on
by making a baby drum to rock. We didn't want
to like it but couldn't help ourselves.
http://www.ondmis.dk/video/drumbaby.htm
>> Rubbish Gays <<
Guardian editors! Need a new columnist for
your ever-swelling Saturday edition?
We've found just the chap. He's a gay bloke
who hates gays. Just the antidote we need
to TV's current "gay men are fabulous
as long as they don't talk buggery"
obsession. Hands up Mr. Gay UK, Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy, and Sky's How Gay
Are You. This blog is gunning for you.
http://rubbishgays.blogspot.com/
>> Url tricks <<
From Bob Monkhouse's Book of Web Gags, the
very oldest yet still surprisingly effective joke
is to re-direct a offensive domain name to
something better known. Hmmm. Maybe we should
buy odious-twats.co.uk and point it at the
official royal site.
http://www.talkingshite.com/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Ladybird puzzle
Remember those slide puzzles where you had to
move the pieces to form a recognisable
picture?
This is an unusual update. It adds the magical
element of a ladybird on a train track. You
have to slide the pieces about to create a
path which will guide your character through
every square on the board.
Tricky stuff. You'll probably go blind.
http://mrl.nyu.edu/~perlin/experiments/ladybug/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
When tigers and puppies make friends
An unexpected sub-genre is emerging in our
international quest to find the cutest things
in the world.
Unusual animal friends. A few months back we
gave you badgers and foxes, this week it's
a tiger cub and a puppy.
This has a little pathos too. For the viewer
knows it's a doomed relationship: the tiger is
clearly going to eat his friend when he
grows up.
http://snipurl.com/6q8b
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Farmer Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted your photoshopped opinion
on farmers.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/farmers/
We asked b3ta boarder M3Essential to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
M3Essential writes -
#1 "I Don't Like Your Pathetic Competition -
Wonderful timing culminates with the perfect
facial expression. Splendid! (Zak Mc.Flimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3226263
#2 "Free NHS eye tests for all farmers - A
competition to mock farmers, well
this about sums it up. (Darryn.R)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3227351
#3 "Here Comes The Farmer - Funtastic animation
and a file size everyone can agree on.
huzzah! (Calihal)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3251027
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator gave us
the suggestion, "Monuments that should exist."
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monuments/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BADGER BADGER TATTOO - we all know and love
Jonti's Badger animation. But who would want
it tattooed on their leg? This is going to
to take some explaining to the grandkids.
http://www.faceparty.com/public/796/images/dead_he...
* JAPANESE PORN GAMESHOW - last week we linked
to a clip which we understood to be taken
from a game show. Sadly it appears to be part
of a porn DVD. Oh well. Still - we think
it would make a great game show...
http://www.jlist.com/PRODUCT/12622539
* DROPPING PENNIES DOESN'T KILL - we recently
asked you to create a game based on dropping
money from the Eiffel Tower on the French.
None of you bothered - but you several of
you wrote in to point out that it's not
actually lethal. Apparently dropping a
metal pen would be more effective.
http://www.jaypinkerton.com/myths/myths3.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ARTSY NAZI - a paint package that even Hitler
could use. Think about the details: swastika,
pink triangle and moustache paint brushes,
gothic fonts, a Dr Mengele clone tool,
Alsatian clip art. Oh, and a lovely
David Hasselhoff soundtrack.
* LET'S PLAY VET - an interactive guide for
kids on advanced veterinary techniques.
Maybe a theme song, "Let's play vet, let's
play vet, learn the skills of cutting up
pets."
* ADVANCED GOD SIMULATOR - err this might
be a bit dull, due to His non-interference
with man's destiny shtick. But you get to
pretend to speak from bushes and
occasionally send down the Lamb of God
to fuck a virgin. Huzzah.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Ben Wheatley, K2k6,
James JG Kosmatka, Alistair Edwardes,
Grrbabs & Grey Triggerfish.
Top Tippery by Glenys Kinnock.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord. Hooray for Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the armed b4ta militia. (75263)
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TOP TIP:
Wash the grit out of your leeks by topping
and tailing the veg, then cutting a two inch
deep cross into the top making a leafy paint
brush effect. Run the head under the tap
rubbing the flayed stalk with your fingers.
No more grit. Oh, and leeks are very nice
with a cheesy pasta.
