NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 159: "FAITHFULLY YOURS, YOU MISERABLE CRETIN"
This Week:
* COMMUNICATIONS - Secret Swearing Techniques
* EXPERIMENT - Beer, Not Water
* STORIES - "I Was An Accidental Movie Star"
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 159 - 19 Nov 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue159/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Communication, Swearing, Beer and Hoes
>> Passive-aggressive communication skills <<
Everybody's had a stupid boss, one who sends
you clueless and insulting communications.
You have to swallow your instinctive harsh
response just because they can hire and fire
you. Zefrank gives us the secret technique
of how speak your mind without other
people realising.
http://www.zefrank.com/punc/
>> For ‘Water’ read ‘Beer’ <<
This is the kind of scientific experiment we
like to see. Keefybabe decided to see what
life would be like using beer, where, ordinarily,
he’d use water. Somewhat stickier and potentially
toxic you might think. Read on…
http://www.livejournal.com/users/keefybabe/68150.h...#cutid1
>> Sweary fingers gallery <<
New_Matt writes, “I've been collecting pictures
of people doing sweary fingers. I can't remember
why I started now, but it's kept me out of
trouble." Take a look. Maybe you'll see someone
you know telling you to fuck yourself.
http://www.5318008.co.uk/howrude
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: Sex Tips for B3tards
Masturbatory toys that try too hard
This gadget has got every sexual characteristic
a man could possibly want for a 'quiet evening
in'. But the way it’s all arranged, it resembles
the face of a pink fly with a wispy moustache
and a porkpie hat. All the more erotic for us
that way, of course.
http://snipurl.com/ar7h
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Movie Stars
We asked you about the films and TV that you've
been in the background of:
http://b3ta.com/questions/memorabilia/
Whilst quite a lot of you have been paid extras
in things, we liked the people who've blundered
into things the best:
#1 Team America: World Police
"In Paris for my 40th, my beloved spent a lot
of the time photographing buildings for a
client making a 'marionette film'. I tagged
along and, for fun, posed unobtrusively in
many of her photos. Sure enough, you can make
out me (very small) standing in the background
of quite a few scenes. (serenissima)
#2 They always return to the scene
"As a student journalist, a dead body found on
our campus was a hot news story. Unwilling to
give any information beyond the press statement,
two cops ended up talking and joking with me,
such that I missed the solitary news cameraman
filming us. That night's news showed myself,
attired entirely in black, unshaven and laughing
maniacally at the site of a suspicious death,
flanked by two burly police officers. For the
next two hours I received phone calls asking
if I was in jail." (weirzbowski)
#3 Leading the Big Parade
"We took a wrong turn through some police
barriers onto a street closed for a Royal
Horse Parade or some such nonsense. Once in,
we couldn't get out. The whole televised
procession featuring Princess Margaret was
therefore lead by two idiots in a crappy blue
Vauxhall Nova. We waved. Sheer bliss." (PCheese)
Kudos to e.o.t.m.c.'s mate who stopped to watch some
guys running down stairs and then jumping on a car
whilst walking to work. He's now immortalised as a
blurry bloke in a long dark coat in the opening
sequence of Trainspotting.
>> This Week's Question <<
Had any spooky premonitions recently? Tell us here
so we can nip down the betting shop:
http://b3ta.com/questions/premonitions/
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: Funny Name Corner Returns
Will it ever stop? We don't know
>> Pen Island <<
You’re setting up a website, you’ll be selling
pens. Do you give any thought to what might be
a bad name for your company? Not these guys.
http://www.penisland.net/
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: NINTENDO CORNER
Games industry not dull shock
>> Puppies <<
Pocket gamers are eagerly awaiting the Nintendo
Gameboy DS, with its dual screen and PDA stylus
interface. But you can't shift hardware without
software, the original Gameboy sold because people
NEEDED to play Tetris. Maybe this puppy-rearing
game will be the killer app Nintendo needs. It
certainly looks both cute and innovative, with
its "use the stylus to pet the puppies" gimmick.
We can't wait to play it.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/nintendogs.p...
>> Chainsaws <<
Things aren't looking so focused in the Gamecube
camp with this chainsaw-styled controller for
Resident Evil. Let's emphasise that, it's a
fucking chainsaw covered in blood! Remember,
Nintendo have always prided themselves in making
family games that Quakers can sell in Walmart.
Hmm. Does look cool though.
http://snipurl.com/alzp
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Interactive barmaid <<
First there was the Subservient Chicken: a
marketing scheme featuring a bloke in a chicken
suit who obeys your every command. It was only
a matter of time before somebody took the genius
step of replacing man-chicken with pretty girl.
Works for us.
http://www.virtualbartender.beer.com/beer_usa.htm
>> Status Quo tour bus game <<
We've all heard the stories; salacious tales of
how the Gods of Rock disport themselves during the
long weeks on the road. Now Rick Parfitt has
released a game that allows you to recreate those
times in your own home. You have to come up with
a celebrity whose initials match the letters printed
on the cards. We presume the cocaine and groupies
come in an expansion set.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0001OGTS...
>> Electrician status gadget <<
This is what happens when electricians get
together and want to know who's the daddy.
They stick a metal thing into the mains to
see who can 'take the most current'. There are
handy instructions so you can try this at home.
But, er, please don't try this at home. Unless
you film it, of course.
http://www.emanator.demon.co.uk/bigclive/tickle.ht...
>> How Computers Work <<
We were misting up, going through the scanned-in
pages of this 70s children's book. Great, old
school graphic design, plus huge, chunky
computers with punch cards - just lovely.
There are two versions of the book and we
couldn't help noticing that lady programmers
in the illustrations were more glamourous in
1971 than in 1979. Wonder why.
http://davidguy.brinkster.net/computer/
>> Dead cat float <<
Mr Marbles is a film prop: a dead cat, floating
in a swimming pool. We feel bad saying this, but
the look on his face made us laugh. He seems
surprised, yet pleased.
http://www.ahleman.com/Props/MrMarblesVidA.html
>> Hamster porn <<
Picture after picture of hamsters fucking. It's
cute, in a peculiar way.
http://www.ag0ny.com/misc-20040513-hamster-porn.ph...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Three of the best
There’s always a lot of competition for this
spot in the newsletter. This week we're giving
you the best three and you can choose your
own favourite.
Cute kitty, tucked up in bed with teddy.
http://catkiss.tripod.com/cat_contest/sleepingcat....
Big pile of sleepy baby bunnies.
http://snipurl.com/ar7j
A B3ta first; tapir mother and child. Magical.
http://snipurl.com/ar89
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: BIT TORRENT STUFF
Media we've consumed this week
>> Desperate Housewives <<
Okay, so it's probably America's most popular
show of the year, but that's no reason why it
isn't good. We were mislead into watching it
by the title, but couldn't help being impressed.
It's like Sex & the City, but married with kids
in the suburbs. Oh, and starring Teri Hatcher.
http://www.suprnova.org/
>> Sealab 2021 <<
The original Sealab 2020 was a cheaply-produced
70s cartoon about a hi-tech undersea research
station. This show uses the original animated
footage to comedic effect, set one year later,
when the crew have become bored to a state of
utter idiocy. We only hope someone does similar
to Trumpton.
http://isohunt.com/torrents.php
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: HUMAN ZOO
Little goths
Josh, Jessica and Anton dress in black, wear
eyeliner and make-up, listen to Marilyn Manson.
In short, they are goths. They're also 12 years
old and living in Norfolk.
There's something rather endearing about normal,
well-adjusted kids trying so hard to seem like
tormented misfits. Aww. Bless 'em.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/norfolk/kids/goths_talk.shtml
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from C4 Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. Last week we teamed up with
Channel 4 to make new logos for an alternative
Christmas.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/c4_xmas/
We've got four winners for you, two selected
by them, two selected by us.
Channel 4 writes -
#1 "A great bit of animation - simple, clean,
quirky and cute. Nice work." (just4fun)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3945089
#2 "Fantastic. This caught the eye of loads of
people here. London looks great under snow,
and way the logo stands out is really effective."
(Chthonic)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3937064
B3ta Judge Mike Trinder writes -
#1 "Summing up what we all feel deep down
when the subject of family Christmases
comes up. (Manic)
http://b3ta.com/board/3937150
#2 "Well, the BBC aren't using the logo anymore,
so it's up for grabs, right? (badhorsey)
http://b3ta.com/board/3936527
Channel 4 added, "The quality of the entries this
week has been fantastic, it took us ages to select
our shortlist. We picked runners up too but as there
are quite a few we'll let them know by email."
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BUKKAKE KARAOKE - We were very amused to see
someone performing the Bukkake Song on an
internet TV channel. What we like best is you
can see a little pixelly version of the original
video in the background.
http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/bukkake-karaoke.swf
* BELGIAN INTERVIEW – Rob is big with the
Francophones and Belgian magazine Victor has
interviewed him. If you don’t speak French
it’s still worth a look for the stunning
photography of Lionel Samain, showing Rob in
all his ginger beauty.
http://snipurl.com/ar7f
* SPONGMONKEY COSTUMES - The Joel Veitch frenzy
continues to rage in the States. These furry
costumes inspired by his animations are
flipping great.
http://www.rathergood.com/photos/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MESSIAH TOASTIE MAKER – We’ve all seen that
Virgin Mary toast eBay auction. But, Mr Breville,
what about a device that makes every slice a mini
Turin Shroud. Mmm. Sacrilicious.
* CAFEPRESS TO OFFER HEAT-SENSITIVE PRINTING for
mugs. So we can make a fortune selling broken
gifs that turn into happy faces when the mug is
filled with hot coffee.
* PARROTS AND CARROTS - write a children's book
about a nasty man called Uncle Duncan who eats
parrots and carrots for every meal.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Loook.d, Luke Deardenboys,
donkeysunday, chickswithducks, iwhackmyselfoff,
probablysomesoddomy, beanflickr, raj fudge,
frankiegoestolittlewoods, gingermeat,
youareatagnut, youteris and verjineh and a cast
of thousands. If we missed you out, then check
next week's newsletter. We'll thank you then.
Top Tippery by Freddy Woo.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Denise Wilton.
Proofing by the cadaverous b4ta cads. (74902)
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TOP TIP:
If you have a foal that won't suckle, try
tickling its anus with your finger. Apparently,
this stimulates the suckling instinct in horses.
But not deers - it makes them shit.
