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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 161: "DOGS THAT SPEAK LIKE MEN"

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This Week:
* VID - Eastenders Silent Movie 
* FASHION - Children's Knitted Gimp Masks 
* FACT - People Falling Over Is Funny

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 161 - 03 Dec 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue161/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 
  Sex Dolls, Santas, Other Christmassy Stuff  

  >> Eastenders Silent Movie <<
  Remember when Eastenders used to be good?
  Do you really? 'The Original Woodsman' thinks
  the show hit its peak around 1917 and points
  to this rare archive footage as proof. We love
  it, and you should too. 
http://www.mediapill.com/blog/graphics/endersxmas1917.wmv


  >> Celebrity Sex Dolls <<
  "Hello," says B3ta user *kat*, "I thought
  I'd use my spare time making something
  breathtakingly amazing and technically
  beautiful. So here's a line up of celebrity
  sex dolls." Oh, and it's NSFW - enjoy! 
http://celebritysexdolls.blogspot.com/


  >> Advent Calendar - with Bouncing Boobs! <<
  We don't usually like adstuff, but we couldn't
  resist this. Sputnikboy says "I just built a
  viral marketing thang for one of our clients.
  That's viral as in email; all the girls have been
  checked for hygiene. Thought it might cheer
  people up in the Xmas mayhem."
http://www.musthavetoys.com/advent/


  >> Xmas Paedo-lights <<
  Tico24 has gone into stalking mode. He writes,
  "I woke up this morning to find some ugly
  Christmas lights going up across the road.
  I plan to keep an accurate record of the set-up
  process as it happens." That's pretty much it.
  It's simple and it's ugly. We'll be looking out
  for Tico's restraining order next week.
http://www.santawatch.tk/


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: FAUX-NAIVE ENQUIRY OF THE WEEK
  B3tard vs Crayola

  Acedias writes -

  "About a week and a half ago I emailed Crayola
  through sheer boredom - after all, who doesn't
  know what crayon tastes like? - and I got this
  reply today:

  "Dear Tom,
    Thank you for contacting us and sharing your
  thoughts. It is not planned to add any flavours
  to our Crayons at this time or in the future.
  Once again thanks for taking the time to
  contact us.
    Kind Regards, Joyce Tucker."

  >> Can you do better? <<
  This email amused us muchly at B3ta Towers. We
  want you to have a go sending crank emails to
  different companies, and we'll print the best
  letters next week. Pass on your missives via:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Child Gimp Suit <<
  Picture the scene: it's Christmas day round
  Fred and Rosemary West's house, and the kids
  are unwrapping their presents. These lovely
  knitted gimp suits are just the sort of thing
  to buy a serial killer's abused offspring. 
http://snipurl.com/b2b6


  >> 1950s Japanese Sex Guide <<
  The Japanese might have brought us bukkake, but 
  the nation has not always been so sexually 
  advanced. These pictures are from a more 
  innocent time, when the parents of today's 
  generation had to be taught how to hold hands 
  as well as other, more advanced, seduction 
  techniques.
http://snipurl.com/aymd 


  >> Dogs That Speak Like Men <<
  Dogs can't really speak, of course - that 
  would mean a change in the pattern of evolution 
  itself - but some furry fellows do a pretty 
  good job of mimicking their masters, especially 
  the lapdog at the end of this delightful footage. 
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/dogspeak.wmv


  >> People Falling Over Is Funny <<
  TV networks the world over have cottoned on to this and 
  have turned other people's accidents into 
  televisual gold. They usually draw the line
  at serious injury, however, which we fear 
  may be the case with this unwary barmaid.   
http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/04102704.html


  >> Kids Sing White Stripes <<
  Xfm Radio has been running a competition to 
  discover the UK's best school band. If there was 
  any justice at all, 13-year old Oscar Scizier's 
  Ye Olde Fighting Cocks should have won, as his  
  psychotic version of the White Stripes' 'Seven 
  Nation Army' ably demonstrates. Genius.
http://snipurl.com/b2e1


  >> Russian Bus of Fire <<
  They say there's no smoke without fire, and 
  that's certainly the case for these unlucky 
  tourists, as a small malfunction with their 
  coach's engine swiftly turns into a major 
  conflagration. Like a roadside 9/11, but 
  without the need for Arab terrorists. Or death.          
http://snipurl.com/b2cc


  >> One Man Band of the Future <<
  We have seen the future of music, and his name 
  is McRorie. Endowed with an awesome mullet and
  the dress sense of a sci-fi fitness instructor,
  this demented one-man band belts out electronic
  versions of rock classics. His meeting with
  Celine Dion is particularly special. Probably
  popular in Germany. 
http://www.mcrorie.ca/ 


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Near Death Experiences

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
  lies into one handy place on the interweb.

  Last week we wanted to know about your near-death
  experiences:
http://b3ta.com/questions/neardeath/ 


  #1 Grenade!
     "My mate Jez brought back a Civil War surplus
     German stick grenade from Spain. Like normal,
     sane teenagers we went up to the woods and took
     turns throwing it at each other whilst shouting
     "Gott in Himmel!" Jez, pulling out the pin,
     suddenly realised that it might not be a dud
     after all and threw it like a girl, whereupon it
     landed at our feet. As we legged it, there was
     this bastard big explosion, closely followed by
     a collective crapping of pants." (ScaryDuck)

  #2 Express Train
     "I was 15 and standing on the platform of
     Meadowhall station when the track started to
     shudder with the approach of a fast intercity
     about to pass through. I don't like the fast
     trains much, so I held onto the timetable sign
     in preparation. A rather odd looking woman had
     been standing in front of me, but I thought
     little of it, until she grabbed my arm. And
     jumped in front of the Intercity. If I hadn't
     been holding onto the signpost ... we all
     looked down the track where all we could see
     was a torso. Just a torso. We had to get a
     bus home." (*kat*)

  #3 White Spirit
     "A long time ago I suddenly felt I needed to
     know what white spirit tasted like. It tastes
     like months in hospital and the American Poison
     Department being flown in. That, and lemonade."
     (Burb Lulls)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  What have you lost over the years? Tell us all
  about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lost/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  A double dollop of dainty delight.

  We've been scouring the web for the cutest 
  images known to man. And we hit paydirt.

  >> Baby Racoon <<
  This little tyke is fresh out of his mum's belly 
  by the look of him, wriggling with infant glee.
http://snipurl.com/b2db 

  >> Spa Monkeys << 
  There's nothing more rewarding for a busy monkey
  than a steaming hot tub at the end of a hard day 
  in the forest, as shown by this troupe of relaxing 
  primates.
http://snipurl.com/b2dd

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: HUMAN ZOO

  >> Who is Hegman?  <<
  A bald bloke with a conical hat and a tattoo
  dedicated to his mum has been causing mayhem
  in Essex.

  B3ta user Jay writes "According to the local
  paper, a few months back a woman kept having
  pictures of Hegman posted through her door,
  frightening her young daughter."

  And now Hegman is back! We love the detail in
  this letter about a recent sighting. Have you
  seen Hegman? Let us know.
http://snipurl.com/b2fo


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: WILL SOMEONE KILL THIS FEATURE PLEASE
  ...it's the return of Funny Name Corner

  >> Gay Flashman <<
  The executive producer for Channel 4 News is
  the unfortunately-named Gay Flashman. So, not
  only does she exist, but her name is also
  scrolled across your TV set every evening.
  Oh yes.


  >> Le shit <<
  "I have something for the funny name corner",
  gesticulates onion enthusiast Yomgaille, with
  dead snails dropping from his lips. "It's in 
  French though: It belongs to a place called
  "La mer de sable" which means 'the sand sea',
  but the URL is www.merdesable.fr which translates
  into English as www.shitsand.fr"


  >> Otis Reading <<
  Following on from our Schindler's Lifts, it's
  been pointing about that Otis Lifts have their
  HQ in Berkshire, so that when you ring them
  up they answer thusly: "Hello, Otis Reading."


  >> Edith Munter <<
  Merriam-Webster's dictionary might be claiming
  'blog' as word of the year, but at B3ta Towers
  we haven't been able to read a paper or turn
  on the radio without hearing 'minging' and its
  red-headed step-child, 'munter'. Still, we can't
  help but be amused by Edith Munter. She's
  dead, though, so it's ok to laugh. Not like
  she can get upset.
http://www.boulgerfuneralhome.com/obits/viewobit.php?itemID=320


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Messing With History Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to mess with history:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/history/


  We asked B3ta boarder 'Sue Denham' to judge the
  entries - here are her 3 faves.

  Sue writes -

  #1 "Tiananmen Square, 1989 - there is something
    very pleasing about the thought of standing
    up to the oppression of Chinese Communism with
    your short, fat, hairy legs. (mechamatsimpsk)
http://b3ta.com/board/3988965

  #2 "Dawn of Man - I love this purely because I
    have to do sound effects every time I see it.
    Bonk! (pobblepop)
http://b3ta.com/board/3989910

  #3 "WWII - There were lots of entries featuring
    Hitler and/or Churchill, but this one made me
    laugh by far the most." (Hello Coco?)
http://b3ta.com/board/3989459


  >> This Week's Challenge <<
  This week, The Challenge Dictator told us
  to imagine, "If Movie Plots Were Real".
http://b3ta.com/challenge/movieplots/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FUZZ MAGAZINE - Last week we mentioned the
    Home Office's planned police force magazine,
    and Rhodri's excellent mock-up of a front
    cover for it. Mystery Reader writes, "Nice
    effort, but the mag should be called 'Hello!
    Hello! Hello!'" You are correct, sir, and we
    salute you.


  * ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSHES - We alluded to the use
    of these electronic marvels as arse-tinglers.
    B3ta user Wall wants to know where we got our
    facts from. "Are there any reported instances
    of brush slippage, overlubed and overzealous
    users without a means of retrieval having to
    resort to medical help?" he asks. "It's been a
    hotly-debated subject here at United Utilities
    and is now raising more questions than answers."
  

  * OLIVER POSTGATE is the Devil, it seems. Mitch
    writes, "He f@cked over the guy who wrote Postman
    Pat, if my memory of a Guardian article from a
    while ago is correct. B@stard Postgate!" Blimey.


  * NICEY AND WIFEY'S MEDIA CAMPAIGN CONTINUES
    They'll be in Waterstones in Piccadilly on
    Thursday 9th December, 6-9pm, helping to
    rescue poor shoppers from the turning on of
    the Christmas lights by serving lots of free
    tea and biscuits... Oh, and signing books.
    Come and play - it'll be fun!


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: FRIDAY GAME
  bouncy mirror ball

  A nice, gentle game for a Friday afternoon,
  based on classic puzzler Reflexion. Bounce the ball
  round the maze by cunningly marshalling your
  formidable array of 'ball-mirrors'.
http://oos.moxiecode.com/examples/reflex/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SNOW KLANSMEN - but not too close to the
    burning crosses.

  * A ROYAL FUNERAL - haven't had one in ages
    and they're brilliant!

  * CRANK EMAILS - to manufacturers. We really
    enjoyed this week's and we want more.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  Edited by Rob Manuel & Dave Stevenson.
  Written by Fraser, Mike, Wifey, Rob Tinsley
  and the rest of Team Wiki.
  Top Tippery by the Phantom Tipper
  Links sent in by the silent majority
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the secret b4ta baldies. (75758)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  To stop the needles falling off your 
  christmas tree simply spray the whole
  thing with hair spray. Oh, but be careful
  not to set fire to it afterwards, and don't 
  blame us if you do.

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