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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 169: "JEWISH DOGS"

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This Week:
* VIOLENCE - Garden pummel-trickery
* SEX - Super Mario, lover-man
* ARSERY - foolish bum-based ciggy stunt

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 169 - 11 Feb 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue169/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
 
-------------------------------------------------

: ADVERT
  Marmite wins 50 word auction

  And here's what they wanted to say:

  "That's right, after 168 ad-free newsletters,
  B3ta have sold out like the web whores they are
  and Marmite couldn't wait to jump them -
  figuratively speaking. So if you've strong
  feelings about the little brown pot of wonder,
  or want some cracking roadkill recipes,
  feel the love and hate at
http://www.marmite.com?source=b3ta

  >> Buy space in B3ta <<
  Woo. We're all wooing at B3ta Towers at our
  little experiment at selling advertising. So
  much so, that we're doing it again, and this
  time B3ta designer Denise Wilton will be your
  auctioneer. Cheap as chips.
http://snipurl.com/cpd0


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  NWA-folk, bum burns and spade-smack

  >> Niggaz With Folkitude <<
  We're deep in debt to B3ta reader
  Reasonablyfamous. He's painstakingly lip-synced
  the folk version of Straight Outta Compton,
  featured in a recent newsletter, to the original
  NWA video. The result is strangely moving and makes
  us all nostalgic for the days of the LA riots.
http://www.iconscious.co.uk/theroadie/


  >> Shitty crack fag boy <<
  This cunt thought it was funny to burn his
  bumhole with a fag, but the stars of the show
  are his obscenely fecund ass mounds. His mum
  should be fucking ashamed. Thanks johnnysausage.
  NSFW.
http://snipurl.com/bumburn


  >> Back garden drubbing fun <<
  What a cunt. What a fat cunt. Watch the witless
  Wheatley smashed into submission with a spade.
  lol.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/gardentricks.html


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: I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE
  It's funny names corner

  >> Chew Shit Fun <<
  Amused to see that patron saint of funny names
  and biology professor Chew Shit Fun has her own
  unofficial mirror site. Yay. She's got absolutely
  no control over it and it'll be passed about
  so people can enjoy her name for all eternity.
http://www.chewshitfun.com/csf.html

 
  Other notables this week include 1930s Hollywood
  director Ima Cunt, and current editor of the
  Beano, Euan  Kerr.
 

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: NSFW SHIRTS
  In the B3ta shop

  NSFW, meaning not safe for work, is a very 
  commonly-used phrase on our messageboard and
  newsletter. And you can now wear it, proudly
  emblazoned on your lady breasts.

  Rah. Buy them. BUY THEM ALL.
http://www.b3ta.com/shop/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Scars with history

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
  lies into one handy place on the interweb.
 
  Last week we asked you to tell us the stories
  behind your scars. There's quite a few nasty
  photos: Don't say we didn't warn you.
http://b3ta.com/questions/scars/

  Our favourite people are:
 
  * Motty, who didn't think scratching "I'm a
    cunt" into his arm with a drawing pin would
    leave a scar.

  * Humpty Dumpty, who tried to remove a napkin
    ring from his erect penis with an angle
    grinder, pliers and goggles.
     
  * PeelMyTangerines, who, whilst sharing a bath
    with a schoolmate, impaled her arse on a
    rusty bath tap.


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like to hear about your appearances in
  local newspapers. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/localpapers/


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: HEADLINE WATCH
  Celebrating sub-editor genius the world over

  * RARE ROBIN EATEN... BY BIRDWATCHER'S CAT,
    Manchester Evening News.

  * MAN USES UNDERPANTS TO HIDE ECSTASY,
    Wiltshire Times.


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Mario sex scoop <<
  Nintendo are the finest games designers the
  world has ever produced. Their Mario character
  is an icon, possibly more photographed than
  Princess Diana. It was inevitable that his
  sordid playboy lifestyle would leak to the
  baying dogs of the tabloid press. Sadly, we
  must expose him as an impotent fool, trapped
  in the love games of Princess Peaches. He
  wears the horns of the cuckold. That stupid
  Italian retard. Curse him.
http://snipurl.com/b2s8


  >> Scared of Santa <<
  We finally got round to reading a pile of
  email sent to us over Christmas. After
  discarding the tossy viral games made by
  awful advertising cunts, we still enjoyed
  this out-of-season collection of kids sitting
  on Santa's knee and wailing with fear.
http://snipurl.com/cpeo


  >> Estonian adverts <<
  When doing our General Studies A-Level, there
  was a multiple choice question, "What is
  Estonia?" including the answer "a Spanish
  guitar player." Little did we know that
  the answer was "sexy mince". Mmm. Sexy mince.
  Enjoy this bit of mince.
http://www.hot.ee/lehva3/kanahakkliha.mpg


  >> Witless stunt karma <<
  Imagine you are in a car and as a jape you want to
  slap the head of your bike-riding chum. You stick
  your retarded head out of the window. What could
  possibly happen next? Watch this clip from the
  Americas to find out. Ouch.
http://snipurl.com/ceuk


  >> Secrets of the Rorschach blot <<
  Next time your wife leaves you and demands that
  you have psychiatric evaluation before taking
  the kids for a Happy Meal, be prepared; freak out
  the head-shrinker by learning the meanings of the
  inkblots. This information is not allowed into the
  public domain. Interesting stuff if you want to get
  away with multiple murder and public cock waggling.
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rorschach.htm


  >> Festive burger song <<
  This carries on the Christmas theme, starting off
  with "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen", then it goes
  into a Burger King ditty. We can't decide if the
  chorus is nine-ninety-nine or die-die-di-die.
http://bkremix.gotdns.com/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Two dog special

  >> Jewish dogs <<
  The perfect picture to forward to your Jewish
  mates. We hope Hamas don't get near them though.
http://www.petstar.net/catalog0402/YORH02_jpg.html

  >> Exasperated dog-thing <<
  Palleon thinks this is the cutest thing ever,
  although he has no idea what it is. Some sort
  of fur-dog thing is his best guess. He's
  probably right.
http://snipurl.com/cpef


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Goggles of Truth Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us the world
  through goggles of truth.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/goggles/

  We asked B3ta boarder Gr££dy to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Gr££dy writes -

#1 "Copperfield You Swine - This is exactly the
    kind of thing Copperfield would do. The cunt.
    (UTB)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4230121


#2 "Self-help books are bollocks - This is so
    true. Last week I bought a book about Britain's
    Wild Tits...
    (Bagpuss)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4232323


#3 "I'm free! - 'Shut down ALL the trash
    compactors on Level 14' 'But Sir, Mrs
    Slocombe's pussy is all wet' etc.
    Sci fi history.
    (noodle monkey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4229231


  And, seeing as it's customary for a special
  mention, this week it goes to mushybees for his
  Daily Mail Glasses of Truth
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4237450


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, The Challenge Dictator wants us
  all to 'Mock the Elderly'
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mocktheelderly/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GAY FILMS - after last weeks IMDB racist
    film list, a few of you had a play and sent
    in some homophobic film titles to match,
    including: The Bum Bandit (1931); The Gay
    Dog (1954); The Gay Intruders (1948);
    The Gay Brothers (1895) and Bum Voyage (1934).
    Pffffft.

  * LOREM SPAZSUM - "it looks like Portsmouth
    University has been using my text generator"
    grins YMCA Skeletor creator malevole, "to
    create the nonsense page mentioned in
    newsletter 163. Hee hee."
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/text/

  * LEMMING SONG - "Don't know if you recall the
    dim and distant past of newsletter 150,"
    laments alistair, "but you mentioned my
    animation for Big Stride's début single.
    It's  now in the shops and has my animation on
    it in an enhanced CD stylee"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0006SNL1Q/b3ta-21


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Geeky URL guessing conundrum

  Puzzle with an incredibly steep learning
  curve. The first two tests are a piece of piss,
  then you hit the unreasonable third stage.
http://www.etienne.nu/imagepuz/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * URBAN BOWLING - using real bowling balls, in
    public. Wouldn't the hand railings on the
    London underground be perfect for sending
    bowling balls down?

  * SOMETHING ROYAL - what with thick toff Harry
    proving a tabloid favourite, and horsey old
    Camilla getting married, the royals are a
    sitting duck for easy mockery.

  * BLUE POO - US reader kcsculder writes regarding
    our assertion that Blue Chewits will make your
    poos blue. "From childhood experience I know
    that blue jello has the same effect even after
    just one cup. I can only imagine after a week
    or so of it." Anyone fancy bringing his
    imaginings to life?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  Ben Wheatley and David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by palleon, mleikvol, Rob T
  Firefly, watashi-wa, boo, ruski, crisp_rapper,
  MsFreud, goatsandstoats,  
  Top Tippery by Purple Martin
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the sell-out b4ta whores. (76833)
 
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  TOP TIP:
  You know how dried-on sand is really difficult
  to rub off your feet after a day's paddling at
  the beach?  Simply sprinkle some talc on your
  sandy extremities, and the sand will brush off
  easily.

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