NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 169: "JEWISH DOGS"
This Week:
* VIOLENCE - Garden pummel-trickery
* SEX - Super Mario, lover-man
* ARSERY - foolish bum-based ciggy stunt
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 169 - 11 Feb 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue169/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: ADVERT
Marmite wins 50 word auction
And here's what they wanted to say:
"That's right, after 168 ad-free newsletters,
B3ta have sold out like the web whores they are
and Marmite couldn't wait to jump them -
figuratively speaking. So if you've strong
feelings about the little brown pot of wonder,
or want some cracking roadkill recipes,
feel the love and hate at
http://www.marmite.com
>> Buy space in B3ta <<
Woo. We're all wooing at B3ta Towers at our
little experiment at selling advertising. So
much so, that we're doing it again, and this
time B3ta designer Denise Wilton will be your
auctioneer. Cheap as chips.
http://snipurl.com/cpd0
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
NWA-folk, bum burns and spade-smack
>> Niggaz With Folkitude <<
We're deep in debt to B3ta reader
Reasonablyfamous. He's painstakingly lip-synced
the folk version of Straight Outta Compton,
featured in a recent newsletter, to the original
NWA video. The result is strangely moving and makes
us all nostalgic for the days of the LA riots.
http://www.iconscious.co.uk/theroadie/
>> Shitty crack fag boy <<
This cunt thought it was funny to burn his
bumhole with a fag, but the stars of the show
are his obscenely fecund ass mounds. His mum
should be fucking ashamed. Thanks johnnysausage.
NSFW.
http://snipurl.com/bumburn
>> Back garden drubbing fun <<
What a cunt. What a fat cunt. Watch the witless
Wheatley smashed into submission with a spade.
lol.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/gardentricks.htm...
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: I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE
It's funny names corner
>> Chew Shit Fun <<
Amused to see that patron saint of funny names
and biology professor Chew Shit Fun has her own
unofficial mirror site. Yay. She's got absolutely
no control over it and it'll be passed about
so people can enjoy her name for all eternity.
http://www.chewshitfun.com/csf.html
Other notables this week include 1930s Hollywood
director Ima Cunt, and current editor of the
Beano, Euan Kerr.
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: NSFW SHIRTS
In the B3ta shop
NSFW, meaning not safe for work, is a very
commonly-used phrase on our messageboard and
newsletter. And you can now wear it, proudly
emblazoned on your lady breasts.
Rah. Buy them. BUY THEM ALL.
http://www.b3ta.com/shop/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Scars with history
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you to tell us the stories
behind your scars. There's quite a few nasty
photos: Don't say we didn't warn you.
http://b3ta.com/questions/scars/
Our favourite people are:
* Motty, who didn't think scratching "I'm a
cunt" into his arm with a drawing pin would
leave a scar.
* Humpty Dumpty, who tried to remove a napkin
ring from his erect penis with an angle
grinder, pliers and goggles.
* PeelMyTangerines, who, whilst sharing a bath
with a schoolmate, impaled her arse on a
rusty bath tap.
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to hear about your appearances in
local newspapers. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/localpapers/
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: HEADLINE WATCH
Celebrating sub-editor genius the world over
* RARE ROBIN EATEN... BY BIRDWATCHER'S CAT,
Manchester Evening News.
* MAN USES UNDERPANTS TO HIDE ECSTASY,
Wiltshire Times.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Mario sex scoop <<
Nintendo are the finest games designers the
world has ever produced. Their Mario character
is an icon, possibly more photographed than
Princess Diana. It was inevitable that his
sordid playboy lifestyle would leak to the
baying dogs of the tabloid press. Sadly, we
must expose him as an impotent fool, trapped
in the love games of Princess Peaches. He
wears the horns of the cuckold. That stupid
Italian retard. Curse him.
http://snipurl.com/b2s8
>> Scared of Santa <<
We finally got round to reading a pile of
email sent to us over Christmas. After
discarding the tossy viral games made by
awful advertising cunts, we still enjoyed
this out-of-season collection of kids sitting
on Santa's knee and wailing with fear.
http://snipurl.com/cpeo
>> Estonian adverts <<
When doing our General Studies A-Level, there
was a multiple choice question, "What is
Estonia?" including the answer "a Spanish
guitar player." Little did we know that
the answer was "sexy mince". Mmm. Sexy mince.
Enjoy this bit of mince.
http://www.hot.ee/lehva3/kanahakkliha.mpg
>> Witless stunt karma <<
Imagine you are in a car and as a jape you want to
slap the head of your bike-riding chum. You stick
your retarded head out of the window. What could
possibly happen next? Watch this clip from the
Americas to find out. Ouch.
http://snipurl.com/ceuk
>> Secrets of the Rorschach blot <<
Next time your wife leaves you and demands that
you have psychiatric evaluation before taking
the kids for a Happy Meal, be prepared; freak out
the head-shrinker by learning the meanings of the
inkblots. This information is not allowed into the
public domain. Interesting stuff if you want to get
away with multiple murder and public cock waggling.
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rorschach.htm
>> Festive burger song <<
This carries on the Christmas theme, starting off
with "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen", then it goes
into a Burger King ditty. We can't decide if the
chorus is nine-ninety-nine or die-die-di-die.
http://bkremix.gotdns.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Two dog special
>> Jewish dogs <<
The perfect picture to forward to your Jewish
mates. We hope Hamas don't get near them though.
http://www.petstar.net/catalog0402/YORH02_jpg.html
>> Exasperated dog-thing <<
Palleon thinks this is the cutest thing ever,
although he has no idea what it is. Some sort
of fur-dog thing is his best guess. He's
probably right.
http://snipurl.com/cpef
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Goggles of Truth Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us the world
through goggles of truth.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/goggles/
We asked B3ta boarder Gr££dy to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Gr££dy writes -
#1 "Copperfield You Swine - This is exactly the
kind of thing Copperfield would do. The cunt.
(UTB)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4230121
#2 "Self-help books are bollocks - This is so
true. Last week I bought a book about Britain's
Wild Tits...
(Bagpuss)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4232323
#3 "I'm free! - 'Shut down ALL the trash
compactors on Level 14' 'But Sir, Mrs
Slocombe's pussy is all wet' etc.
Sci fi history.
(noodle monkey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4229231
And, seeing as it's customary for a special
mention, this week it goes to mushybees for his
Daily Mail Glasses of Truth
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4237450
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, The Challenge Dictator wants us
all to 'Mock the Elderly'
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mocktheelderly/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GAY FILMS - after last weeks IMDB racist
film list, a few of you had a play and sent
in some homophobic film titles to match,
including: The Bum Bandit (1931); The Gay
Dog (1954); The Gay Intruders (1948);
The Gay Brothers (1895) and Bum Voyage (1934).
Pffffft.
* LOREM SPAZSUM - "it looks like Portsmouth
University has been using my text generator"
grins YMCA Skeletor creator malevole, "to
create the nonsense page mentioned in
newsletter 163. Hee hee."
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/text/
* LEMMING SONG - "Don't know if you recall the
dim and distant past of newsletter 150,"
laments alistair, "but you mentioned my
animation for Big Stride's début single.
It's now in the shops and has my animation on
it in an enhanced CD stylee"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0006SNL1...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Geeky URL guessing conundrum
Puzzle with an incredibly steep learning
curve. The first two tests are a piece of piss,
then you hit the unreasonable third stage.
http://www.etienne.nu/imagepuz/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* URBAN BOWLING - using real bowling balls, in
public. Wouldn't the hand railings on the
London underground be perfect for sending
bowling balls down?
* SOMETHING ROYAL - what with thick toff Harry
proving a tabloid favourite, and horsey old
Camilla getting married, the royals are a
sitting duck for easy mockery.
* BLUE POO - US reader kcsculder writes regarding
our assertion that Blue Chewits will make your
poos blue. "From childhood experience I know
that blue jello has the same effect even after
just one cup. I can only imagine after a week
or so of it." Anyone fancy bringing his
imaginings to life?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
Ben Wheatley and David Stevenson.
Links sent in by palleon, mleikvol, Rob T
Firefly, watashi-wa, boo, ruski, crisp_rapper,
MsFreud, goatsandstoats,
Top Tippery by Purple Martin
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the sell-out b4ta whores. (76833)
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TOP TIP:
You know how dried-on sand is really difficult
to rub off your feet after a day's paddling at
the beach? Simply sprinkle some talc on your
sandy extremities, and the sand will brush off
easily.
