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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 171: "THE MEGA-SHITTER!"

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This Week:
* PIGS - aren't they great?
* VIDEO - TV's Countdown secret clip
* HUMAN ZOO  - Collector man

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 171 - 25 Feb 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue171/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Pigs, Countdown & Estonian video

  >> Lovely pig farm animation <<
  Giant_squid wasn't cut out to be a corporate
  raider, he'd rather be a happy pig farmer. And
  wouldn't we all? Naive visuals complement a
  good-hearted lyric yearning for the simple life.
http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/~pcxee/pig_flash.htm


  >> Countdown Uncut <<
  B3tard-at-large Chicago Dave has unearthed
  unscreened footage of UK word-guessing game
  Countdown. His characteristic style and attention
  to detail made us chortle anew at quite an old
  joke. Or maybe it's just the swearing.
http://www.geekgifts.co.uk/countdown/


  >> Surreal advert mash <<
  Sp3ccylad writes, "I've been pissing around
  with those Estonian ads you featured the other
  week and popping my own music on them." The
  result is quite entertaining viewing if you're
  a bit monged, as we were.
http://www.sp3ccylad.com/daisychain.mov


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: ADVERT
  darreningram wins 50 word auction

  And here's what they wanted to say:

  "UNLIMITED worldwide press release distribution
   for £200 a year + VAT. M2 PressWIRE. So simple
   that even Wayne can use it. Unlimited, as in a
   Chavvy "all you can drink" Spanish holiday bar.
   Sending Goatse pictures over the service is
   forbidden. No offers or such bullshit, just a
   great service!
http://www.M2.com
  

  >> Buy space in B3ta <<  
  We're not doing an eBay again in the immediate
  future. If you want to get in touch about
  advertising then just use the usual address.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: HUMAN ZOO
  Compulsive Collector
 
  There's nothing *wrong* with obsession, it gives
  a little purpose to our otherwise pointless
  lives. However, to be obsessed with everything
  is a little sinister. And this butterfly killer
  seems to have started collecting anything he's
  ever come across. The only surprise is that in
  the picture of himself, he's not stood with 182
  lookalikes. (Not that we're not a little jealous
  of his multi-ethnic Daleks.)
http://www.tonystrading.co.uk/my-collections.htm


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Your little turn-ons.

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
 
  Last week we naively asked for the little
  things that turn you on:
http://b3ta.com/questions/turnons/

  Here's a few of the, well, inexplicable things
  that rock your world:
 
  * Shoulder blades and spines
  * Midgets in German uniforms
  * Waitrose
  * Audio cables
  * Pakistani men
  * Knitting women
  * The motion of Victoria Line trains between
    Seven Sisters station and Finsbury Park
  * Answering this week's question in a crowded
    office
  * Reading this week's answers in a crowded
    office
  * Creme Eggs. Inserted vaginally.


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us your crappy claims to
  fame. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/claimstofame/


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: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
  My big fat toilet

  There's no point in mincing words here: The
  Great John is a reinforced, super sturdy and
  comfort-enhanced toilet for the fatty who really
  needs a giant dump. We like the accompanying ad
  image of a chubby couple, so happy now they can
  have a poo without the bowl collapsing.
http://greatjohn.com/grjodi.html


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Instant messaging angst cartoon <<
  We've recently got quite into internet chat
  stuff and maybe that's why we enjoyed this
  humorous cover of a whiny rock song, almost
  despite ourselves.  
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/blockedme.php


  >> Improving Art <<
  Justin's auntie Joan sends him the same drippy
  Monet calendar every year. Bored, he began
  customising them with cheap, nasty stickers.
  The results are wonderfully surreal.
http://www.justinspace.com/joansmonets/joansmonetsintro.html


  >> Nude boxing game hack <<
  A little explanation needed: Some deeply
  disturbed individual took the original Nintendo
  game 'Mike Tyson's Punch Out' and altered the
  code so you could play it with naked,
  sexually-aroused fighters. This in-depth review
  gives you all the info you need never to have to
  play that shit for yourself.
http://www.i-mockery.com/romhacks/nudepunchout/default.asp


  >> Miss McDonald's <<
  Here in the UK, McDonald's is pretty much
  synonymous with 'huge evil corporation', so it's
  refreshing to see this eccentric Philippine lady's
  innocent delight in dressing up like the fast food
  giant's clownish frontman.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/miss_mcdonald/


  >> French disco lift gag <<
  Coming over like a French Take Over TV skit,
  the funniest detail is the victim's total
  failure to act surprised on finding her lift
  full of disco dancing strangers. Instead she
  takes the stairs. C'est la vie.
http://snipurl.com/cttu


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: STOP TELLING US
 
  * JOHN PRESCOTT is the number 1 result
    for "fuckwit" on Google.

  * COMIC RELIEF VIRALS made by your crappy
    agency are any good when clearly they are
    all shit.

  * FATBOY SLIM has made a video with kittens
    in in. The song sucks.


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  The section that almost didn't make it this week

  We had no cute stuff to run, not a fluffy
  thing in sight. This made us sad. Luckily
  Mr Monkeon found this bouncy goat. It looks
  so happy to be alive that we couldn't help
  but smile at its goaty exuberance.
http://photos1.flickr.com/3757979_b6ae3d5797.jpg

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from 'New sports for toffs' Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us what the
  upper classes will do now that fox hunting has
  been banned.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/toffsport

  We asked b3ta boarder AMX to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  AMX writes -

  #1 "Mock the Poor - from the tragedy of the
      countryside way of life being anally raped,
      comes the joy and international harmony of
      a new olympic sport. (VampireMonkeyOnSPeed)
http://b3ta.com/board/4282589

  #2 "Trooping the colour... of blood! - I would
      really like to see the queen take pot shots
      at her royal guards, just to see if they
      will stand still. (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://b3ta.com/board/4293353

  #3 "Chase me - playground humour is always the
      best, even public school playground
      humour." (hamchicken&peas)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4297536

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator wants us to
  find anti-social behaviour to ban.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/antisocial/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MULTI-COLOURED SHIT - Penguin weighs into our
    ongoing "does blue food make your poo blue
    too?" controversy. The results of his
    experiments with high doses of caffeine and
    green food colouring are useful, but ultimately
    fail to fully convince - isn't that just a
    thin glaze of green colour on the final, er,
    product?
http://www.tomscan.com/goblin.htm

  * ROYAL STUFF - The Royal Family is a big, fat
    easy target and you gladly answered our calls
    for royal mockery. This in particular made us
    snort with laughter. 
http://media.cannedham.co.uk/flash/camilla/royalwedding.html

  * URL GUESSING CONUNDRUM - Thanks to the several
    people (including b3ta's own Cal) who sent
    us the solution to the fiendishly difficult
    geeky quiz we featured as Game of the Week 
    in Issue 169. Now we know all the answers.
    But we're not telling anyone. Tee hee.


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Trick ball challenge

  The controls on this ball-navigating, lunar
  lander-style game are very sensitive; so much
  so that it's like being Superman, playing
  keepy-uppy in a gale. The addictive bit is you
  always thing you can do just a little bit better
  each time.
http://www.jmtb02.com/flash/metaphysik/metaphysik.htm

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * ROYALTY LOOK-A-LIKE PORN - hire one of those
    dickheads you see on those look-a-like sites
    and film them doing the nasty. Maybe that cabby
    who looks like Elton John eating Lady Di's shit.

  * PUBCUNT.COM - detailing all the tricks that
    can be done by cunts in a pub. From "have you
    ever seen a match burn twice?", where somone
    lights a match, blows it out, and then shoves
    the glowing ember into your face, to "Old
    McDonald had a whale" which was something about
    spitting beer in your friends faces.

  * PERPETUAL SPUNK MACHINE - live for ever by
    attaching a tube from your mouth to your cock
    and wanking day and night. Once you start you
    will be in enternal bliss and your stomach will
    always be full. Yummy.


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson and the Wikiwoos.
  Links sent in by spiny, Faruk, furufuru and dom
  Top Tippery by hotlcp
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the still sinister b4ta cabal.
  (76875)
 
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  TOP TIP:
  Candles never seem to last quite long enough.
  To prolong their humble span, freeze them for a
  few hours before burning. They stay alight for
  much longer, perhaps due to increased cold power.

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