NEWSLETTER: "HOW DO YOU GET A GRANNY TO SHOUT 'C*NT!'?"
This Week:
* WEEBL - singing AHA
* JAMES BLUNT - hmmm, what rhymes with that?
* EASTENDERS - Steve McFadden naked at last
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 207 - 02 Dec 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue207/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Sometimes, plastic surgery goes wrong
"If you ever go under the plastic surgeon's
knife, you need to know that they're not an
incompetent gimp with gnats for brains. This
latest clip shows what can happen if you
wander into the wrong place."
http://snipurl.com/dodgyplasticsurgery
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Weebl, Lighting farts & James Blunt
>> Weebl sings Aha <<
Enjoyable bit of fluff from Jonti here. His
creations Weebl on Bob take on the classic
Aha song "Take on me" complete with a small
tribute to the pencil-drawn style of the
original video. Although we're left wondering
exactly where Weebls special places are, he's
shaped like an egg for fucks sake. Answers
on a postcard to...
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/paper/
>> Mr Sheep lights his own farts <<
Not shying away from the obvious in this weeks
newsletter, here we bring you board-favourite
Mr Sheep and a video where he ignites his own
methane. Ok, we suspect that there might be a
little video trickery at play here, but still,
it brings a joy to our black hearts. BTW: respect
to the Sheepster for performing whilst wearing an
official B3ta t-shirt. Remember kids. We like
people wearing this stuff, it's lovely lovely
free marketing for us. And surely our sales
are going to go stratospheric with this vid.
http://snipurl.com/lightingfarts
>> James Blunt must die <<
Round our way, James Blunt has become synonymous
with "cunt" cockney rhyming-slang stylee. We're
pleased to see that Eclectech and Doghorse
have similar views and have versed them in
this song and animation. A particular nice touch
is the interactive element - you can throw
tomatoes at Blunt. Lovely idea, although if it
had been our project, we'd have whacked him
with a plank of wood. (With rusty a nail in it.)
http://eclectech.co.uk/gullible.php
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Flirty mobile chat
"Cut out all that polite chat and talk
downright dirty to people while your boss thinks
you're finally learning to enjoy your work. Text
'flirty' to 89893 or visit
http://www.flirtomatic.com/vip
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Moments of shame
Last week we asked for your most shameful
moments. There's lots of very long, involved
and frankly horrendous stories to read.
http://b3ta.com/questions/shame/
Here's three of the shorter ones:
>> Don't do drugs. They are embarrassing <<
"On the piss in Newcastle, we decide to jump
in a cab and head down to the coast to a
nightclub. We'd had a couple of spliffs while
waiting and were feeling well mellow. So,
the cab is speeding down the motorway about
90 miles an hour, radio is bellowing out
tunes when all of a sudden one of my mates
in the front seat yells: "STOP!!! STOP THE
CAR!! NOW! PULL OVER!! STOPPPPPPP!!!!" The
taxi-driver, thinking something dreadful has
happened, swerves the car across three lanes
of traffic and screeches to a halt on the
shoulder. Mate jumps out onto the side of
the road and starts dancing. "I fucking
LOVE this record," he croons. I curled up
into a ball and wanted to die..." (Legless)
>> Luminous Horse Graffiti <<
"I once spray canned the words "I AM A CUNT
HORSE" in massive letters on the side of a
horse in luminous green paint. Obviously I
was very drunk. I nearly had a seizure two
days later when I saw said horse in the same
field being scrubbed by a geezer as I flew
past on the Blackpool - London train." (hoogie)
>> Paul's sister ROCKS <<
"I wish I hadn't remembered this. When I was
15-16 my friend's dad used to organise classical
music dinner/concerts. Paul and I were charged
with videoing the concert but decided that
classical music sounds much better when stoned
out of your mind so we decided to indulge. All
the audio from the concert was going straight
into the audio input of the camera, but in
my state I accidentally left the camera mic
on as well. The next morning, sat round his
folk's house, in the middle of a quiet piano
piece there comes my unmistakable voice saying,
"Christ, Paul, I really want to fuck your
sister hard." I ran, I ran as fast as my legs
would carry me." (Akuru)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your stories of the stage. Talk to
us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/onthestage/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Blake 7 fantasy art <<
We once bigged-up Blake 7, after watching
series 1 on DVD. Fantastic stuff. But a word to
the wise: don't bother with the later episodes,
the whole show falls apart until it becomes
the campy ridiculous nonsense that sadly is
the shows current reputation. A reputation which
that will only grow on seeing this preposterous
collection of homo-erotic fan-art. Particular
props to the illustration of Blake befriending a
unicorn captioned "It Followed Me Home", so
that's how he explained the horsey pre-op to
the missus...
http://www.blakes7-guide.com/fantasy/blake_misc.ht...
>> Cadbury's call Elton John "Fudge packer" shock <<
"I was recently munching some Cadbury's Heroes and
looking at the box.", informs Thos, "Each of the
chocolate treats is drawn as a different character:
The Twirl is twirling a hula hoop. The Whole Nut is
a mad hatter. Then I got to the Finger of Fudge.
It's got huge sparkly 1970's glasses. It's Elton
John. I repeat. The Finger of Fudge is Elton John.
The Brummies at Cadbury World thought the
anthropomorphised embodiment of a Finger of Fudge
was best represented by Sir Elton of John."
Blimey. He's right you know. (Although minus
points for emailing us using the acronyms OMG and
WTF. Dude. That's too lame.)
http://www.jetlabs.com/images/heroes.jpg
>> MP3 Doorbell <<
This bunch of geekoids have stumbled onto a great
and extremely commercial idea: they've
made a doorbell that can play audio samples.
Sadly it's an almighty hack that requires
playing the audio into the bell via a PC, but
if some enterprising manufacturer could pick up
the ball and make one that played MP3s directly
off camera memory-cards, sites like Thinkgeek
would have a product that would sell like
big gay hot cakes.
http://iain.cx/articles/doorbell/
>> Ross Kemp & Steve Mcfadden: twits <<
U.S readers won't be familiar with UK actors Ross
and Steve, so here's a quick primer. Both found
fame in popular TV soap Eastenders playing
hard-men brothers, taking cues from the then
recent gangster flick The Krays they are probably
even ultimately responsible for Madonna marrying
Guy "Public school twerp" Ritchie. Since then
their careers have varied; McFadden is now more
notorious for his ex-wife’s lurid tales of his
dogging obsession, "he forced me to have sex
with strangers in a car park" whilst Kemp went
on to be lady-slapped by his wife and editor
of The Sun newspaper Rebekah Wade. Both are
now back in the sadly declining soap, which
has been reduced to the shameful policy of
re-introducing past-classic characters to try
and beat a ratings slump, instead of solving
the real problem: lack of editorial strong
direction and weak writing. Anyway, still
with us? We prefer to remember them this way,
naked and dancing to disco-hit, Kung Fu Fighting.
http://snipurl.com/ke7e
>> Myspace stupid haircuts <<
Myspace has bitten us on the arse in a big way.
Frankly, we hadn't heard of them until a few
months ago and then suddenly we were being
sent Myspace songs, sitting in random meetings
with people banging on about it and even
being invited to join by American teenage
fans of the b3ta site. Incase it's still
dark in your cubbyhole: Myspace is a social
site where people stick up music, blogs
and photos of their life. Particularly
addictive for teenagers, they use it to
demonstrate their popularity to their peer
group by collecting "friends" and compete
to have more popular pages than each other.
Science bit over, here's the fun bit:
some of them also have stupid hair. Heh.
http://snipurl.com/jujj
>> Loopy book censorship? <<
Children’s books written in the past aren't
always appropriate for kids today. Case in
point being a certain notorious Enid Blyton
story that featured a gollywog called N-word.
Although apparently written with no racist
intent, it's would be clearly irresponsible
to give such a book to a child of today. And
so we come to the works of Richard Scary, and
this interesting comparison on how his
illustrations have been changed for the modern
market-place. Frankly it's a prime candidate
for a Daily Mail "political correctness gone
mad" opinion piece. Quite why they think that
images of mothers pushing kids in prams are
wrong, and should be replaced by dads pushing
prams is anyone’s guess. But we all know what
The Mail would say, altogether now, "it's
political correctness gone mad!"
http://snipurl.com/dailymailstorysubs
>> Fire + Pubes = Ow <<
Ok, we're going to do this linky quickly. It's
a video of a naked balding man who sets fire to
pubic hair and then cries like a girl. What
more could you want?
http://freeweb.siol.net/gdezman/burnbabyburn.wmv
>> JCB video <<
We've linked to the lovely video of the JCB
song before, but we've just been sent a begging
letter asking us to link it again to help the
push for it being a Christmas Number 1. And
er.. we watched it again and suddenly started
to well-up. And that's exactly the emotional
punch a song needs to get non-teens buying
singles at Christmas. A HIT we thinks.
http://www.jcbsong.co.uk/
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby foxes
Enjoying this charming picture of two baby
brother foxes. Actually, with black-and-white
fur they look more like a collie-dog than a
fox and that's just what makes us want to yiff
them more.
http://snipurl.com/d8zh
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSOR B3TA
Want this space? Then talk to us.
Are you an agency? Are you looking to launch
your website on B3ta? Don't sit there reading
all the profiles on the messageboard and then
spam all the nice people, just have a chat
with us. It's really much easier than sneaky
nonsense.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Anthropomorphisation Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to turn static objects
into living beings.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/anthropomorphisation...
We asked b3ta boarder HairyCanary von Otter to
judge the entries - here are her 3 faves.
HairyCanary writes -
#1 Dumped - Poor little thing. Who hasn’t felt
like that? Simple and eloquent. (SarahBear)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5367345
#2 Run Scruffy Run - love the clever use of found
objects. Predictable extra points for use of
cat. (slim on the slug)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5359179
#3 Time for bed - Yet for silly pinnate! (noodle
monkey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5359692
Special mention to pdjpdj for their light switch
series. So simple and such sweet little personalities.
I would never have seen a cowboy hat in a hook.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5371767
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5371800
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, b3ta contributor Fire & Forget gave us
the suggestion, "Oh No! moments from history"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/historyohno/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MONKEY vs APE DEBATE - a hot inbox including
comments from Neville Squamous, "Chimps aren't
monkeys, but not because they don’t have a
tail. For scientists, at least, one of the
characteristics which defines all mammals is
a post-anal tail. However, because this
includes humans I think it's probably just
scientists trying to be clever by including
the fact that we have a tail whilst an embryo."
Post anal tail? Pfffft! Also possible
pub-bore joefish writes, "Actually, not having
tails is not a suitable indicator of apes over
monkeys. The so-called 'Barbary Apes' of
Gibraltar are actually Barbary Macaques, a
tail-less species of monkey. That's one that
even your 'chimps are apes' pub-experts get
wrong." Well, consider us told.
* BORIS JOHNSON VOTE - we previously mentioned
a page which asked for your pledge to
vote Tory on the condition that Boris was
PM. About 700 of you did, so we guess
most of our readers aren't actually secretly
right-wing after-all. Even if Boris is all
cuddly.
http://www.pledgebank.com/yayboris
* EAR-CANDLES WORK - CaroWallis writes, "in
reply to your query about ear-candles. I
can verify that ear candles are fab,
especially if you have particularly waxy
ears. Somehow, perhaps by magic, the
wax/yucky infection stuff is lifted out of
the ear by burning the 'candle', and is
deposited on the inside of the tube."
Ewww! CaroWallis has waxy ears! *Does waxy
ear dance of yore*
* SWEARING BUSH UPDATE - Dr. A. rightfully
moans, "It was put together by my very
talented video-editing mate Gav (he also did
the "gaybetamax" Bush / Blair Electric Six
video a while back), and it might be nice
if you whack a credit at the end of the next
newsletter for him. It's actually a preview
version that the creatures at wimp.com have
found and, well, nicked. It was going to be
used as a promo for my new website, but
that's all fucked up now with it's premature
release. Bah." Ooh, what a shame! But let
that be a lesson to you dear readers, do
not stick stuff on the web you don't want
mailed round. If something is good, it WILL
reach people.
* ZIT vs CYST - Cysty informs, "That zit in
your last newsletter wasn't actually a "zit",
it's a cyst which is totally different for
some reason. I know this because my balls
are covered in them." Jesus mother of god!
What is it with our readers? Waxy ears?
cysty balls? In our head you all look
like supermodels. Even the boys.
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* Can't really be fucked thinking up some
ideas this week, but our thought about an
SD-card MP3 doorbell we mention earlier
up is a good one.
* Really this bit of the newsletter is the
hardest bit to write, we always do it
last and we bang our heads going, "must
have idea" Er.. Wasps. We want mini-remote
control wasps with radio cameras on them.
They'd revolutionise film-making as you
could shoot in places where it's too
cramped to get a crew in. And think of
the porn! And spying on young ladies
making poo.
* Darn-it. We've actually stuck two ideas in
now, after claiming we weren't. Can we
make three? Er.. Book publishers! Can we
write a book called "Things that make
you go ahhh" and it just be a collection
of cute looking animals and some slightly
mental captions? It would sell, and we're
right because we're fucking experts at
this stuff. We shit you not.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel. (David
Stevenson was asleep after Rob kept him up
for two days helping out on a flash video
called Van Weasel for Capital Radio.)
Links sent in by The Figurative Pineapple and
others we'll credit next week.
Top Tippery by ja
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. He is you know.
Proofing by b4ta. (106130 - 32411)
Answer to joke: Get another one to shout
"Bingo".
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
"If, like me, your fingers smell Quite Wrong
for days after crumbling an Oxo cube try this:
Carefully unfold the corners of the foil on a
cube and press flat to crush the cube in the
foil (it's a sealed package). Then tear off
a corner and pour out the powdery loveliness.
Not only do your fingers remain untainted,
but it's better than normal crumbling and so
dissolves super fast." FOR FUCKS SAKE! Do
people really care about their fingers
smelling of OXO? Our newsletter writing minds
collectively boggle.
