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NEWSLETTER: "LOTS AND LOTS OF STUFF THAT YOU'LL WANT TO CLICK ON AND IT'S VERY GOOD"

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This Week:
* SONG - Internet is evvvviiiilllll
* ANIM - Russel Crow gets his cock out
* KITTENWAR BOOK - Make your kitten famous

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 225 - 21 Apr 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue225/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Gladiator, Hypno Blaine, Freebies & Evil internets 

  >> Gladiator 'behind the scenes' anim <<
  Dunkbd proudly brings you some previously-unseen
  footage from the location of Ridley Scott's 1999
  'sword and sandal' epic Gladiator. Excellent.
http://www.duncanbeedie.co.uk/gladiator.htm


  >> More hypno-Blaine <<
  Hypnochimp brings you part two of his "making
  idiots think they're David Blaine" video. Best
  bit? The really shitty levitation. Hypnochimp
  is also looking for suggestions on what celebs
  and scenarios he should do next.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/8122


  >> Kittenwar book needs kittens <<
  Fraser and Tom of Kittenwar have got a book
  deal and are asking you to submit your hi-res
  kittens for possible inclusion. UPLOAD YOUR
  KITTENS NOW!
http://kittenwar.com/upload.php


  >> 'Internet outrage' animation <<
  Eclectech has put some nice visuals on a
  DogHorse and Miss Prism track about how the web
  is full of EVIL PREDATORS and no-one should go
  online ever. Good recreation of the viewpoint of
  an ill-informed right-wing newspaper. Now with
  a foppish sheep wearing an unfeasibly large
  bow tie. Great song though.
http://eclectech.co.uk/dailymailpicnic.php


  >> Freebie finder <<
  "Your other readers might be interested in a
  site that I've been working on," beams cantino.
  "The Freebie Finder aggregates freebie links
  from around the web while removing scams and
  referral pyramids. It does this through an 
  algorithm that verifies links across multiple
  sites." What we noticed most was that once
  you've removed the scams, you don't really
  want much of the other free stuff on offer.
  Basically we're just amused by the amount
  of completely useless crap you can get for
  free.
http://absurdlycool.com/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Teenage Parties
  
  Last week we wanted your nostalgic memories of
  the great teenage parties you'd been to. Instead
  we got the stories involving throwing up and
  smashing up people's houses. You lot are horrible.
http://b3ta.com/questions/teenageparties/

  Here are three that amused us
  
  * "3am, the party is dying down. All the beds
    are taken, so I find a comfy-looking pile of
    dirty laundry. Covering myself with a beach
    towel, I fall asleep. Ten minutes later, I
    am rudely awakened by a couple having sex on
    top of me." (Queen of Cheesecake)
    
  * "To ensure numbers we invited everyone. And
    then they (apparently) invited everyone else.
    We ended up with approximately 150 people in
    our house, most of whom we didn't know. Did
    they wreck it? Did they have sex in our beds?
    No. In fact they protected our stuff. So much
    so, that when my mate went to get some money
    from his room he was stopped by a bunch of
    guys who thought he was stealing. Did they
    believe him when he said it was his room? No.
    They beat him up for stealing." (breakfastwithjam)
  
  * "I was about 18 or 19, and I went to a party
    at this girl's house. I overdid it on the weed
    and vodka, and then realised I was going to be
    sick so I headed for the bathroom. Whoever was
    in there was taking forever, but I knew that
    the lock on the door wasn't very good so rather
    than puke on the carpet I forced the bathroo
    door open and went in. The hostess's gorgeous
    younger sister, whose eye I'd shyly been trying
    to catch all night was sitting on the toilet
    doing a noisy poo, but my mouth was full of
    vomit, cheeks were puffed out like a hamster.
    I couldn't give any explanation because I
    couldn't open my mouth to speak, but I felt
    another surge coming so I stumbled forward
    and tried to puke between her thighs. But she
    shoved me away and it kind of arced up in the
    air, showering both of us. Never did get invited
    back." (trashbat)
  
  
  >> This Week's Question <<
  
  Have you ever scared the crud out of yourself
  and your mates after dabbling with Dark Forces?
  Tell us all about it in your best *spooky* voice:
http://b3ta.com/questions/messingwiththedarkside/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Kids write George Bush <<
  An absolutely genius idea; get a bunch of 7-10
  year-old children to make up their own speeches
  for George Bush - then get an actor to read them.
  The frightening thing is they have a, very slight,
  edge of plausibility about them, given the Bushster's
  normal use of language.
http://www.helenakeeffe.com/archives/000029.html


  >> Dictionary of Yorkshire Medical Terms <<
  Ostensibly compiled 'as a service to doctors who are
  no native English-speakers', it's pretty obvious the
  consultants at Doncaster NHS were pissing themselves
  compiling a list of all the funny northern words they
  know - and on £120,000 pa each, who wouldn't?
http://snipurl.com/stupidnhspdf


  >> 'Make a bra' tip <<
  So nice to see our licence fees at work here.
  The BBC has a page up telling you all about how
  to make a bra, using a simple, household
  shopping bag. What an odd bunch of cunts.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A450587


  >> 'Go anywhere' wheelchair <<
  It's grossly unfair, really - how come all the
  elderly and the disabled people get to play with
  the cool stuff? They get great shit, like lifts
  that slowly lower you into the bath while we
  have to do it ourselves. Now this just takes the
  flidding biscuit - a wheelchair with caterpillar
  tracks so it can go anywhere and do anything.
  Guess we need to find a disabled mate who can
  give us backies.  
http://www.tankchair.com/default.htm


  >> Foam test gone wild! <<
  Collected shots from a test of the fire-fighting
  systems at Ellsworth Air Force base. It seems
  they worked perfectly well - it's just the systems
  that that switch off the fire-fighting systems
  that don't. When the foam reached a height of
  two storeys, they opened the doors and let it
  run free. 
http://snipurl.com/pfzz


  >> List of films by gory death scene <<
  We recently met a UK horror film director and they
  said, "it's all about the kills. Think of 7 good
  kills, and stitch the plot around that. That's what
  the viewers care and talk about, the quality of
  the kills." This reminded us a bit of how internet
  viral bollocks works, i.e. think of a joke and
  present it with minimal exposition. Anyway, if you
  fancy entering the horror market then you could do
  worse than reading this wikipedia list of kills
  already performed by others.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_by_gory_death_scene


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: VIDEO FLIDEO
  Youtube has broken the internet

  >> Eurovision is for kids? <<
  What's pink and smells of holly? Ian Huntleys
  cock. And speaking of jokes past their prime,
  onto the Eurovision Song Contest, and we're
  loving this year's UK entry. Daz Sampson has
  produced a touchingly nostalgic tribute to his school
  days, complete with a nonce-friendly "lets dress
  some tarts up in school uniform" video. It's
  that he looks about 38 that makes it all look
  so sinister, as if Huntley was out of jail
  and on the come-back trail. BTW: The forums are
  worth checking out, assuming they haven't
  started moderating them yet; pages and pages of
  "you fucking child fucker" abuse. Heh. 
http://snipurl.com/fuckingnonce


  >> Alex Chui interview <<
  Internet legend Alex is most famous for his
  immortality rings (only $23) which make you live
  forever, assuming you don't break the get-out
  clause of getting cancer or being hit by a car.
  His latest product is a pill that makes you
  handsome. Smart stuff, and a great interview 
  which leaves you debating whether Alex is a
  canny snake-oil salesman, or just completely
  crazy bonkers.
http://snipurl.com/alexchiuandyouoooo


  >> We are all monkeys <<
  Last year, a chap called Ernest Cline gave a rather
  amusing speech about the state of the world today
  and how we are all just a bunch of monkeys. He's
  made a slideshow too. Excellent stuff , somewhat
  reminiscent of Douglas Adams.
http://www.ernestcline.com/dmd/


  >> Titanic 2 <<
  A bloke who works at a magazine once told us,
  "If you've got three then you've got a trend,"
  which fits nicely with the sub-genre of
  splicing up films and sticking them on the
  interwebs. First we had The Shining cut with
  happier music, then Back the the Future
  rejigged as a cross-generational bumsexualist
  love-story between Marty and the Doc. And now?
  A sequel to Titanic, the joke obviously being
  that you can't sequel Titanic unless you
  make "Revenge of the Iceberg" or something.
  Hasn't stopped them having a go and the results
  are surprisingly inventive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vD4OnHCRd_4


  >> Dangerous French driving <<
  Early one 1976 morning, Claude Lelouch attached
  a camera to the bumper of his Ferrari 275 GTB,
  which was then driven very, very quickly around Paris.
  The identity of the driver is still a secret and when
  you see the scary motoring on display you can
  understand why.
http://snipurl.com/frenchcunts


  >> Cat vs Puppies <<
  Cute short video of a cat reacting to about
  10 puppies. The cat doesn't really give a
  fuck, and the doggies are playful and curious.
  Charming.
http://snipurl.com/catvspuppies


  >> 'Barking' cat <<
  Non-cat-owners might not know about
  'chattering', the strange noise a cat makes
  whilst staring at birds through a window.
  Some believe that it's a practise motion
  for the killer's lethal bite, others think
  that it's just mental. Worth a look anyway.
http://snipurl.com/woofwoofwoofmofucker


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Web 2.0 Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to invent lots of strange 
  and useful products for Web 2.0. So you did.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * THE POST OFFICE - like writing letters always has 
    been, but with more user variables.
    (Monkeon)

  * GOOGLE EARTH PORN PLUGIN - Extending Google 
    Earth's interface to satisfy even the loneliest of 
    web surfers (HappyToast)

  * POP-UPS 2.0 - Let's face it. It's only a matter 
    of time before the fuckers figure out how to 
    implement this. (Mr MacTarpaulin-Smythe)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/web2point0/


  >> New challenge: What's behind your desktop? <<
  If you peel off the wallpaper on your computer desktop, 
  what's hiding behind? Show us the stuff that's behind 
  the screen, the scientific and the surprising. 
  Challenge suggested by Sverre.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/desktop/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. Do it. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * LAST WEEK'S AD - with its Crying Game style
    strip poker ending - caused a few ructions. Luke
    writes, "That poker link was fucking disgusting...
    thiiiis close to blowin' my load, then mancock in
    the face. Thanks, jerks." Hehe.

  * EASTER MATRYOSHKA EGG - Ska King Cody
    diligently studied the design of those little
    nesting Russian dolls, then made the same
    thing with a shedload of chocolate eggs. And
    why? As a beautiful gift to his lovely lady. Oh,
    and because it was Easter last weekend too.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5842837

  * B3TA NOT BANNED - "My boyfriend just told me
    that he can't get to the site from work as it violates
    the terms and conditions of internet usage there or
    something," beams pamlet. "He works for the
    federal government of Canada. I work for Adobe
    and b3ta's not blocked here yet!" And we should 
    hope not too, all things considered.


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Ice-wall smashing game
  
  This week's intensely irritating game sees you
  running face-first at barriers of ice blocks.
  Time your punches badly and you smash your head
  in. Tricky, but the little 'success' animation
  keeps you wanting to carry on playing.
http://snipurl.com/bigwallofrape


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DAVE THE CHAMELEON CRAZY FROG RINGTONE -  
    come on Labour Party central office, you've
    created a great character there, we want to
    see more of him. And you'll make a shit load
    of cash.

  * RADIO 1 TO STOP PIMPING PODCASTS SO HEAVILY
    - please stop asking us to download your
   podcasts, we're already listening to the shows
   via the bloody radio and it's getting annoying.
   Anyway, as you legally have to cut the music
   out, having 2hrs of Chris Moyles with no breaks
   is a shitty experience anyway.

  * A VIRTUAL BUBBLE WRAP SIMULATOR - and a website
    with hamsters dancing. We've looked everywhere
    on the internet and can't find anything of this
    calibre.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by lizzyb78, adrianord, Totally
  mexico, james_vinny, pbergin1, demon_vulture
  & spitze.
  Top Tippery by David Manuel.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Hola to b4ta. (108488 - 35100)
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Can't open a screw-top bottle? Stick the cap
  in the hinge of the door and close the door
  until the cap is gripped tightly. Twist the 
  bottle and the cap should pop off. Warning:
  This does work very effectively but we've
  damaged the paintwork of a few doors with
  this.

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK

  Same shit different day?  Stop being a wage
  slave - do something you love.  Chinwag Jobs,
  your boss fears us!
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_apr21/

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