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NEWSLETTER: "CUTTING OFF OUR BOLLOCKS TO SPITE OUR COCK"

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This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Pop-up ads you WOULD click
* ANIM - Jonti eats crabs
* TOY - Google trends

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 228 - 12 May 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue228/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Finally... Some not shit podcatst

  Fed up with listening to your 10,000 favourite
  songs on your iPod? Probably not. But if you do
  fancy a bit of a change then download some of
  our free podcasts. They're less crap than most
  and more fun a listen than some of the scary
  Radio 4 ones. 
http://www.creationpodcasts.com/


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Crabs, Pepsi & Apple vs Apple
  
  >> Jonti eats crabs <<
  Jonti has written one of his song loops about
  shoving crustaceans in his mouth. He claims, "It
  was about George Bush to begin with but the
  missus pointed out that I'm shit at politics."
  We like it for the blood.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/crabs/


  >> Pepsi vs Mentos <<
  "After seeing all these exploding Pepsi bottles
  with Mentos videos", splurts Davideo, "I wondered
  if its actually possible to mix the ingredients
  internally and jump up and down." Check the
  results, we suspect this will go down well on
  the web, not just because it's a nice simple
  joke, but because it's performed by an attractive
  woman in a low cut top. (And we've just trebled
  the clicks by writing that.)
http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/pepsigirl.htm


  >> John Lennon invents iPod <<
  Peter Serafinowicz is best-known as the voice
  of Darth Maul and one of the team behind BBC's
  Look Around You - for whom we ran a competition
  a few years back to get your photoshops on telly.
  Anyway, he's been a busy boy doing his bestest
  impressions of the Beatles and has created this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDNcoOjqIXA


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: CONVERSATION STARTERS

  Britain has gone to the dogs. Discuss.

  * NO MORE BLUE SMARTIES 
    Nestle Rowntree is removing all artificial
    colours from the popular sweeties and, as
    there is no natural blue dye, they'll be
    albino white. 
    
  * NO MORE MR. WHIPPY?
    UK health lobby has added an amendment to the
    Education and Inspection Bill to give give
    local authorities the power to ban ice-cream
    vans, in particular ones close to schools.

  * MO MORE UK HP SAUCE
    Heinz are moving the production of the
    traditional British sauce to Holland.


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: SPONSORED LINK
  Bingo (includes naked bloke for the ladies)

  Meet Barry - he likes to boogie round his bedroom
  and whatís more he just canít stop playing with
  his balls! 
http://www.butlinsbingo-competition.com/?source=email


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Ignoring Instructions

  We wanted your stories of instructions ignored:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignoringinstructions/

  * Army
    "After a lot of running around (4 weeks) and
    general shit they finally issued us with
    bayonets. And, being the Army, a lecture on
    your bayonet. "A bayonet is a sword. It goes
    on the end of your rifle and is for sticking
    in people. You cannot throw a bayonet. They've
    been specifically designed so they *can't* be
    thrown and I don't give a fuck what you've seen
    on the telly!!" Lecture over. Corporal moves
    away. Bayonet whips through the air and sticks
    in a tree just above his head... "Legless!!
    I saw that you fucking horrible turd. What
    have I just told you!!" "That you can't throw
    a bayonet," I mumbled. "I was just checking"
    "Well check this out - MAP reference 62,34,27
    there's a tin can on the top of the cairn. Go
    and get it for me." 15 miles in full pack and
    rifle (and bayonet) with an enraged corporal
    screaming at me from the window of a 4-tonner.
    I really had to learn to keep my mouth shut
    and my head down..." (Legless)
     
  * Abuse. Abuse.
    "When I was about 12 we had the special class
    about abstinence and baby-making. We all had
    to take home an electronic baby-thing that
    would cry and you'd have to stick the correct
    key into its back. The teacher told me to make
    sure I supported its head (which was on a hinge)
    or the "ABUSE" light would come on and it'd cry
    forever. Well, I wasn't careful enough and let
    its head fall back. It snapped off of the hinge
    and rolled across the floor, and the thing
    started to scream, no key worked so I had to
    yank the battery out. So I showed up at my
    teacher's house on Saturday with a beheaded,
    disemboweled baby in my arms. I still passed
    the class somehow." (tr1nity)
     
  * Abort. Abort. Abort.
    "I was on a singles website and ticked the
    'accept terms and conditions' box without
    reading them. Thus I completely missed the
    instruction 'by contacting anyone on this
    site, you accept that having sex once is
    worth being dragged into a vortex of someone
    else's mental illness.'" (apeloverage)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your funeral stories. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/funerals/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Sexworker slang <<
  We spent an enjoyable few minutes scanning
  through this glossary of terms used in the
  shady world of full service escort agencies.
  We already knew what 'French' and 'English'
  were, but 'Italian' and 'Russian'? Is no
  nationality free of kinks?
http://www.escorts.com/glossary.html


  >> Google trends <<
  Google has finally brought out its own version
  of the Googlebattle / Which is Better-type
  website. Put in your choices and see which 
  really is the bestest, according to the googlegeist.
  It's already conclusively proven that Flickr is
  better than Duran Duran. And that sex is better
  than eBay. Can you get better than sex?
http://www.google.com/trends?q=duran+duran%2C+flickr


  >> Ghoulish eBay <<
  Are you a rich, morbid homosexual? Why not buy
  the propellor of the very Piper Comanche light
  aircraft in which Patsy Cline met her tragically
  early death? A fucking huge chunk of mangled
  metal makes a wonderful conversation piece too.
http://snipurl.com/patsydead


  >> Animals - who drive! <<
  It's a bumper treat for fans of animals in
  atypical situations - no less than fifty images
  (alas, not all of them real) of cute critters
  at the controls of cars. Love the 1950s dog 
  in the massive straw hat.
http://snipurl.com/driveyanimals


  >> Finger impressions <<
  You wouldn't expect the typical finger to have
  much in the way of self-expression. But check
  out these shots of a variety of digits doing
  dress-up. Or is it just a portfolio of the
  many moods of one, supremely gifted, finger?
http://www.irdel.com/finger/


  >> Fainting, flying fat man <<
  Atlanta journalist Steve Beatty joined the Blue
  Angels (which we imagine to be an American Red
  Arrows) as they performed an aerobatic display
  over his home city. Check out scene two to see
  him passing out from G-force in true comic style.
http://alt.coxnewsweb.com/ajc/swf/blueangels/blueangels.swf


  >> Aqua pub <<
  Summer's pretty much here and so it's beer garden
  time again. This impressive inflatable goes one
  better, allowing you and your mates to sit around
  boozing while floating in the sea or a pool.
  Smoking would probably be a no-no though.
heheh http://www.beachcomber.com/Gadget/Water/aquapub.html


  >> "Why did he cut off that man's leg? <<
  Bit of a long read, but an interesting one for
  all that. Journalist Paul Ciotti tracks down an
  unlicensed backstreet sex-change surgeon. Was he
  a swindler - or a pioneer? And what possessed
  him to amputate a perfectly healthy leg?
http://snipurl.com/amputeegleeheehee


  >> Avenue Q comes to the UK <<
  The musical Avenue Q is on it way to the UK.
  Why is this a big deal? It's the Sesame Street
  style puppets-singing goodness that gave us
  the now-legendary 'The Internet is For Porn',
  so we're all excited about finally seeing it.
http://www.avenueqthemusical.co.uk/


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: RUDE MARKETING
  Nando chicken arseholes

  "Y'know the Nandos logo?" clucks
  Jaffa The Cake, "Am I the only person who thinks
  it looks like a chicken facing away from the
  camera, sporting a huge heart-shaped gaping
  arsehole?" Nope, you are exactly right. 
  We'll never see this logo in the same way
  again.
http://snipurl.com/nandoarsehole


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Broadmoor pony rides for the under 7s

  This needs a bit of background for
  our international readers. To us, Broadmoor
  means an asylum for the criminally insane,
  housing famous killers such as Peter Sutcliffe.
  Although, perhaps they've cured him and
  he's great with the kids now.
http://snipurl.com/broadmoorkidsponys


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Football, Cal book, Summer burn & Fuhrer blog

  >> Joel football thing <<
  The Veitch has been getting pretty excited about
  the impending World Cup, and has written a song
  to celebrate such stuff. The only problem is that
  he knows fuck all about football, a fact reflected
  in his song-writing. He covers up with cheerful
  enthusiasm though, which is handy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/9877


  >> Cal writes a book <<
  Cal, co-founder of B3ta has gone on to international
  renown by leading the technical team behind Flickr,
  everyone's favourite photo-sharing website. In fact,
  he's pretty much become the most famous coder on 
  the planet, guest-speaking at every Web 2.0 event
  you can think of. And so comes the inevitable book,
  "I Am Cal, and you can be an Ajax genius too if you
  follow my simple steps." Available to pre-order on
  Amazon now, buy it either for yourself or a Christmas
  gift for your javascript-obsessed milk man. BTW:
  notice the cover. 'Scalable websites' and it's got
  a fish on it! Did you see what they did there? Did you?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0596102356/b3ta-21


  >> Summer Burn is back, back!, BACK!!!<<
  Last year we bigged up Summer Burn where you could swap
  CDs of your favourite tunes with random internet punters.
  FJ_Reg babbles, "Lots and lots and lots and lots of
  people signed up via the b3ta newsletter last year,
  so firstly, thanks for that, and secondly, do you
  want to let them know again?" Ok, why not?
http://www.funjunkie.co.uk/the_summer_burn.cfm


  >> Fuhrer blog: Website name trends <<
  This week your ginger Fuhrer has been pondering on
  how to name your new website and has written a simple
  tool to help you out.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/05/10/trends-in-web-20-names/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Lost Things Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know why stuff goes 
  missing, and what it gets up to when it's gone.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * JOHN MALKOVICH - Parallel worlds within 
    parallel worlds in this movie-themed 
    mind-fuck. (Absynth&Cheese)

  * CAR KEY vs SHED KEY - Startling revelations 
    from the private lives of keys. Amazing 
    what goes on when you're not watching.
    (The Neville)

  * SOCK SUICIDE - Desperate, poignant tale of what
    happens when life beconmes too much for one 
    forlorn sock. Genuinely tragic. 
    (The Neville)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lost/


  >> New challenge: Reinventing Banner Ads <<     
  Banner ads don't work. Everyone ignores them. 
  So let's save the online advertising industry 
  and reinvent the damn things. Show us the kind 
  of web advertising that would make you click... 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/banners/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MORE SWEARY AFRIKAANS - Sarah
    curses, "I live on the East Coast (KwaZulu-Natal)
    - a popular street  is 'Waterkant' which means
    'Waterside'" What a cunt that must be.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PISSINGCONTEST.COM - users upload videos of
    themselves having a slash. Person who can piss
    the longest, wins.
    
  * WHO-CAN-PISS-THE-HIGHEST.TV - build a urinal
    in Central London with built-in video cameras.
    Stick a tape-measure to the wall. Highest
    pisses get compiled into a half-hour show
    for E4. Barry Normal presents, he's funny
    and he needs the work.

  * OLYMPISS GAMES - these and other 'yellow sports'
    combined into an international celebration of 
    urinary excellence. Other events include; cross
    swords, drawing faces in the snow and 'piss
    balloons' where punters use their fingers to 
    seal their penises and inflate their foreskins
    with pee. Sponsored by Nintendo Wii. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by cojonito, lankygingerfool,
  joeyv7, karlg.dj, ratking and Phagenius
  Top Tippery by seacretiveinegma
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Woo to b4ta. (108765 - 35133)
  
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  TOP TIP:

  Prior to using paint or varnish, you should
  drink milk to line your stomach. This will
  protect you from any toxic fumes you breath in.
  Oil, however, would be the best choice if you are
  planning on drinking that paint or varnish, as
  it's then easier for the hospital to pump your
  stomach contents out afterwards. Strange but true.


-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK (Jobs + free kittens)

  "Same shit different day?  Stop being a wage
  slave - do something you love.  Chinwag Jobs,
  your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_may12/

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