NEWSLETTER: "BEST SUBJECT LINE IN THE WORLD... EVER!"
This Week:
* SONG - Big ball rap
* QUESTION - Worst nicknames ever
* WIN A FLAT - Scam or smart marketing?
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 230 - 26 MAY 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue230/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Football like you've never seen it before.
Sausage munching Germans, moustachioed Mexicians,
lager swilling Brits, and cheesy anthems. 'Ave
it at
http://snipurl.com/keepthemuppy
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Revenge, Gonads, Drugs, Football & Adsense
>> Big-ball rap <<
You might remember Kirby for his song about
anal sex we newslettered a few months back.
He's returned and says, "enjoy this rap
homage to men with titanic testes." Best
bit? Rhyming testicles with spectacles.
And then having the gall to mention
tentacles.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/big_balls.htm
>> Football songs are a cunt's game <<
We've lost track how many that have been
sent in to the site now. If we weren't
busy and could be in any way arsed we'd
string them all together and shout 'fuck
off you cunts' repeatedly, all over them.
Having said all that... CCC's World Cup
song is pretty good - cheerful nonsense.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/12066
>> eBay Revenge <<
"I bought a laptop on eBay but it didn't work.
sobs spikytom, "The bloke refused to refund my
money, so as a means of petty revenge, I made
a little website documenting the things I
found on the hard drive." Ha! Best being the
voyeuristic photos of women's legs the young
eBay fraudster has snapped on the Tube.
http://www.amirtofangsazan.blogspot.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Worst Nicknames
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for your worst nicknames:
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstnicknamesever/
* The Foetus
"It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of
years back that I look like a foetus. Thus,
I was nicknamed, with stunning ingenuity,
The Foetus. Various friends have amused
themselves making jokes around the theme,
wombs, umbilical cords, ultrasound scans etc.
The best however was a drunken friend chasing
me round a pub carpark in front of a busload
of surprised grans, brandishing an unbent wire
coathanger, loudly and repeatedly threatening
to abort me." (jennymnemonic)
* "Picture a mountain biking accident many years
ago - friend of mine (called Basil, so that's
a bad start anyway), out riding, he got his
weight a bit low over the rear tyre going
quickly down a steep drop-off. He was wearing
loose shorts:- 3" gash in the scrotum, right
testicle drops out. Somehow gets to hospital
with the other pod intact but the right one
has to go, too much risk of infection or
something. You'd think some sympathy perhaps?
Oh good God no. For the rest of his natural,
this chap will be known as Womble."
(the mighty badger)
* Atari
"The was a girl at my school who everyone
called ATARI due to her brother catching her
in the act with said controller." (teknikl)
>> This Week's Question <<
Meeting your heroes is always disappointing;
they never live up to your expectations. Tell
us who didn't come up to scratch here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nevermeetyourheroes/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> eBay shite car <<
Our second eBay link of the week. A friend
recently commented that "eBay is bigger than
the internet" and he has a point. This chappy
is flogging his car, but it's the photo and
the write-up that brings a small smile to
our aged faces.
http://snipurl.com/lesbianbastardtwits
>> Arty corner <<
Enjoyed these groovy pictures which mess with
the viewer's expectations. Very 1970s.
http://haha.nu/2006/05/17/seamless-pictures/
>> Rude statues <<
Following up our recent predilection for
bum-fun sculpture, jossdude yelps, "I was
recently in Germany and saw this bad boy! And
just to put salt in the wounds, it's about
30m away from a kids' playground."
http://snipurl.com/ovendodgers
>> Longest dump ever <<
Fancy feeling paranoid about the state of
your bowel? Check this colonic irrigation
site, and the stuff that this bloke crapped
out after using their product.
http://www.drnatura.com/picture_gallery.html
>> Reality Manga <<
Oooh, a link to Worth1000, a competing
photoshopping website. They take a different
tack to us, encouraging technique rather than
humour, but we can't help but be impressed
with this 'what would people look like if
Japanese cartoons were real" challenge. Now,
if someone could be arsed to do this frame
by frame, there's a great idea for a music
video here.
http://snipurl.com/cuntdroppings
>> Shit web video parody <<
Aware of Newgrounds? It's a site where teenage
Americans show off their cartoon skills. Like
any user-generated site, the quality varies
wildly. This animation is parodying some of
the worst elements of the site and brought
us much amusement. We particularly agree with
the complaints about rubbish audio.
http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/frontpageget
>> Win a flat <<
Neat idea here. Instead of just flogging your
house via the local estate agent, by not hold
a raffle? Hopefully, once the papers pick it
up, all the £5 entrance fees will add up to
more than the value on the open market. BTW:
We have no idea if this is a complete scam, but
out gut feeling is that it's not.
http://www.winourflat.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
If David Bailey was a squirrel
Oooh. Oh lovely. Lots of tree-rats
taking photos in the park.
http://snipurl.com/ilovebumsex
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Video killed the Macromedia star
>> Crap BBC promotional vid <<
Commissioned and put together by the BBC,
for use during a hugely expensive team-building
day last year. This rap has
been leaked by a former BBC employee. Apparently
causing staff to adopt the catch-phrase "Ceefax,
where the numbers are fine" and middle management
to "awkwardly nod and frug along to the beat
as only white middle-aged businessmen can."
Word up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Basketball Accident <<
If we re-launch B3ta as a TV show, it'll probably
just be loads of clips of people falling over
robbed from YouTube entitled "VHS this and post
it to all your mates." Featuring stuff like
this. Ouch.
http://snipurl.com/qwvk
>> Extraordinary pipes <<
Pipes. Pipes. Pipes. What can we say about pipes?
The word is sometimes used as euphemism for tits
as in 'That Charlotte Church has a fine set of
pipes on her." These pipes have nothing to do
with Charlotte's tits, but are quite fine none-the
-less.
http://snipurl.com/q2if
>> Saddam & Osama cartoon <<
"I've found a link to a fab spoof 80's style action
cartoon", jives Anarchy Duck, "featuring Saddam
& Osama! it made me wank like a schoolboy reading
his sisters copy of Just Seventeen, and the ads
in the middle are fab too."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Noel Edmonds mocks disabled <<
We always knew that bearded TV personality Noel
Edmonds had a dark side. Here he is doing a
fantastic spaz impression that'll hopefully
get Scope contacting C4 to take him off the air.
http://snipurl.com/noelisacunt
>> When comedians get hissy<<
Bill Hicks tribute act Denis Leary is famous
for chain smoking and making cancer jokes.
Who knew that also he was such a bitch?
Check him out on this chat show where he
has a huge hissy fit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Skateboarder with no legs <<
This is what Heather Mills would look like
if she cut off her other leg and sat on
a skateboard. Oh, and had a sex change.
Gnarly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: GIF OF THE WEEK
Help fight Bono
Little Bono from leaping lepricorn
rockers U2 wants to fight AIDS. Unfortunatley
this badly executed GIF from the Independent
website says something very different.
http://snipurl.com/bonoisacuntcuntcunt
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Serial killer Vs Cocky penis fun
>> Mummy can we play Sutcliffe? <<
Sadly 'Sutcliffe Play' does not involve pretending
to murder your little sister with daddy's hammer
whilst wearing a fake beard and some plastic gap
teeth. It is in- fact the unfortunately named brand
of children's rides. The fact that the company is
based in West Yorkshire scores extra points
for aceness.
http://www.sutcliffeplay.co.uk/sutcliffe/index1.as...
>> Penis insurance <<
Currently widely advertised on UK TV, this
insurance company scores for both having
a penis scented name, and a logo that
can only be described as a fleur de cock.
http://www.hiscox.com/
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: WHERE WE'VE BEEN LURKING
Ice chewing forum
Who can this website be for? Big foot? Pingu?
Or Vanilla Ice's fave rent boy?
Nope. It's for people who are addicted to
chewing ice. Apparently it can be a symptom of
diabetes. Or penguin rabies.
http://www.icechewing.com/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Bad-taste Adsense / Drugs video
>> When Adsense goes wrong <<
Adsense is the Google advertising program
which works by analysing the words within
a page and attempting to serve relevant
advertising. Infinite_monkey writes, "My
cousin died on the weekend - which isn't cool.
But I did get a strange anti-pleasure from
seeing just how insensitive Gmail-sponsored
links could be."
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/badgmailads.jpg
>> Say NO to drugs <<
Darksun has got in touch with a home video
of him on Salvia, a fast-acting hallucinogen.
We're linking as we're amused by
A. What are his parents going to say?
and B. It turns him into a complete
mong.
http://youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Minority Magazine Challenge
Last week we wanted to see the covers of
ultra-minority interests that aren't yet
catered for. You submitted millions.
Our favourites included:
* NMNE - The only magazine that really counts
for the serious anemone enthusiast.
(Spunky McPunk)
* MINIMALIST MAGAZINE - Doesn't have much to
say, but displays it beautifully.
(Ledger)
* HELLO - No, not that one, but the world's
premier Lionel Ritchie read.
(The Great Architect)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/banners/
>> New challenge: If Animals Were L33t <<
L33t is the unspoken language of the Internet, where
English is transformed into something understood
only by geeks. But what if animals were l33t? Show
us life in such a world.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/l33t/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by mister_charlie_easton,
alex.morris, TheCastrator, zeropct, 0% Interest,
PMGT, majoringram, spong & Wormulus
Top Tippery by lmussi, afinkawan & robertbaker1.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Nods to b4ta. (108915 - 35251)
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TOP TIP:
Last week we suggested that holding your finger
to the bridge of your mouth is a great way to
prevent a sneeze. We had no idea it would be
so controversial, you described it as "utter
crap", "pants" and "like some dodgy Hitler
impression."
Your alternative methods include:
* Saying grapefruit
* Tickling the roof of your mouth with
your tongue
* Pinching your nose fairly tightly
Also Libertine gets in touch with a proper
tip advising -
"Tired of fighting with your duvet to get its
cover back on? Raid your office stationery
cupboard for a couple of large bulldog clips
- they hold the corners in place a treat."
Ok. Is that bollocks? Do you have
a better idea? Get in touch.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Chinwag Jobs now has their vacancies and a whole
bunch more!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_may26/
