we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "CHEAP LAUGHS AND TAWDRY LINKS SINCE 2001"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* CHALLENGE - New road signs
* HUH? - ASCII-Art 1940s style
* BOOK - 'Who cares about disabled people?'

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "Insert funny line
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       here... ok?"

B3ta email 233 - 16 JUN 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue233/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Play online football and win £50

  Do you want to see Maradona get what he deserves,
  or witness the debut of Germany's new goalkeeper
  - The Hoff?  Play Studsup Soccer for some South
  Park style soccer carnage. In case you are Italian,
  and therefore easily bribed, there is also a daily
  prize draw.
http://www.studsupsoccer.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Stuff and nonsense AKA bollocks and fluff

  >> Blackmail Web 2.0 thingie <<
  Tedious barks, "It's been a while since I've
  made anything, but I'm quite proud of this
  one. It's what Flickr would be like if Flickr
  was run by evil Eastern Block Mafia." We tried
  to encourage Tedious to make this for real,
  instead of it just being a joke, but he was
  having none of it. Spoilsport. 
http://www.extortr.com/

  
  >> B3ta consumer affairs <<
  Adam Welch writes - "Hello, you may remember
  me from newsletter issue 160ish.  That
  blumming Cillit Bang experiment has had me
  answering emails for over a year now! I've
  recently won a cigarette paper vending machine
  and it's without a key, and Rizla won't answer
  my emails." Heh - can someone from Rizla
  please get in touch with this bloke?
http://www.adamwelch.co.uk/comment.php?comment.news.27


  >> Pop-star cartoons <<
  "My name is Nick Talbot.", boasts Nick
  Talbot,"I am in a band called Gravenhurst that
  is on Warp Records. More importantly, I make a
  mean-spirited and bellicose satirical web-comic
  called Ultraskull." Not bad actually, kept us
  amused for 20 minutes or so, although we're
  partly sticking this in because getting emails
  from internationally famous rock-stars makes us
  feel special.
http://www.silentagerecords.co.uk/ultraskull


-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSOR DAVE
  Newsletter co-writer in charity bike-ride SHOCK

  David Stevenson emails, "Hey mister Rob, Just
  thought I should remind you that I am on
  holiday this week. And, indeed, I am writing
  this from the deck of a yacht in the Sardinian
  port of Cagliari. Also, should you see fit to
  use it, I have finally got my London-Brighton
  sponsorship page up." Yay, the Princess
  Diana-haired fop is peddling like a bastard
  this weekend to raise cash for the British
  Heart Foundation. An issue he personally cares
  about as his poor old Dad had a few problems
  with his ticker last year. So be generous!
http://www.bhf.org.uk/sponsor/davidstevenson


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Awesome Sickies
  
  What with the World Cup and all, we wanted to
  know your best sickie excuses:
http://b3ta.com/questions/awesomesickies/

  Here's four that amused us:
  
  * Accidentally called in sick
    "I have this weird voice thing which means
    that for the first hour or two after waking
    up I sound like death warmed up. So, anyhow,
    a few years ago, I called my boss's mobile
    around 8am from the train station, to say
    that I would be late, as the trains were
    delayed again. All I said was "Hello"... He
    said "Oh, my goodness! You sound awful. Will
    you be back in tomorrow?" I suddenly
    twigged. "Er, I'll try, I said", and the
    call ended with him advising me not to push
    it too hard. So I went home again,
    surprising my then partner, and we went out
    for the day. And the following day. Then I
    went back to work. So, it wasn't my fault, I
    didn't *mean* to call in sick, it just...
    happened." (purplegod)
  
  * Sore parts
    "One kid in my form was off for two days
    and, on his return without a sick note, he
    informed the form teacher that he had been
    sick 'with masturbation.' No idea what he
    thought he meant, since he looked a bit
    blank at the whole class laughing at him."
    (Captain Haddock)
    
  * Not really a sickie, but a great skive
    "When I was a travelling sales rep, I used
    to be sent all over the country to the most
    god-forsaken places on earth. To combat
    this, I devised a somewhat ingenious
    solution: I stayed at home. My boss would
    regularly phone me while I was 'in my car'
    to check how I doing, so I recorded a sample
    of my car engine noise, complete with a
    couple of indicator clicks and engine revs
    on my laptop, which I could start at a
    moment's notice while the phone was ringing.
    Excellent. Well, it was until my doorbell
    went during one such 'trip'. I told him it
    was a warning light on the car as the engine
    kept overheating. Later on I had to actually
    work for 2 weeks because my boss needed the
    laptop for a presentation. A little while
    afterwards, I was up to my usual tricks when
    I should have been working... The phone
    goes, so I quickly reach for the shortcut on
    my desktop to the recorded car sample.
    Imagine my horror when I find it has been
    replaced with one of my boss saying 'you're
    fired - now fuck off'. Never lend your boss
    your laptop." (well its not going to suck
    itself)
     
  * Lost
    "At my old job in London we got a new girl in
    the accounts dept. On her first day she went
    to lunch and then phoned a couple of hours
    later to say she would be a bit late back,
    as she'd gone for a walk and was lost.
    That was the last we ever saw of her." (kmlabs)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Have you ever been mugged? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mugged/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> ASCII-Art 1940s styleee <<
  A few weeks back we called this very
  newsletter 8===w=) is ASCII for wanking, a
  reference to the retro technique of using
  letters and characters to approximate images.
  Little did we know that the idea goes back to
  before computing and be-bearded geeks were doing
  such things on typewriters in the 40s. BTW: If
  you've got time, check out the rest of the
  site, there's lots of fascinating scans of
  ancient science magazines, including a
  flat-screen TV invented in 1958. Actually,
  there's an idea for would-be inventors here,
  buy up a load of computer magazines from 20
  years ago, and see what people were dreaming
  about then, which would probably be possible
  now.
http://blog.modernmechanix.com/2006/03/13/ascii-art-1948


  >> Odd logo of the week <<
  Gordon writes, "OK, imagine you run a storage
  and delivery service. You store stuff securely
  and you deliver on time, helping your clients
  keep their promises. You need a logo something
  that will sum up those values: 'Safe, reliable
  Safe, reliable, Got it! A camel being punched
  in the face!', The camel's got a black eye and
  he's snotting and spitting blood. It really
  has been whacked properly and more than once.
  Brilliant."
http://www.assistwarehousing.com/


  >> Unusual hay-fever cure <<
  Man travels to Cameroon to walk through shit
  to get a hookworm infestation to cure his
  asthma and hay-fever. All grounded in medical
  fact apparently. Do any of our readers want to
  try this for themselves? It's like the return
  of medieval medicine, leeches cures and all
  that. Maybe you want to see if pubic lice can
  fight against flu?
http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2006/4/30/91945/8971


  >> Learn darkie-talk the Japanese way <<
  Puzzled to see this odd little book,
  apparently to aid Japanese people to speak
  'black'. We certainly do like the idea of lost
  Japanese tourists wandering about Harlem
  going, "yo startin' to sound like a bitch!"
  Further investigation reveals that this book
  is a self published vanity project, but the
  question remains, how did it end up being sold
  in W H Smiths?
http://snipurl.com/japsforblacks


  >> Sex toys for Peados <<
  Writing as a family newsletter we can't
  condone the use of putting saddles on adults
  and allowing children to ride them like
  horses.  Actually, let's just cut and paste
  the copy from the website because it sounds
  mental and perverted, "A soft, stuffed
  'saddle' for Dad (or Mom) to strap on, to give
  the give kids (age 2-6) a horsy ride. Offering
  interactive fun for kids and adults, the
  Daddle is made of washable sturdy cotton,
  complete with soft saddle horn and adjustable
  stirrups." 
http://www.cashelcompany.com/dad.php


  >> Designer wheelie bins <<
  This selection of flower-covered wheelie bins
  has been sent in with the comment, "no. 1
  reason to censor the interweb." Actually, we
  don't agree and quite fancy one for B3ta
  Towers.
http://www.wheelie-bin-covers.co.uk/products.html


  >> Another web revenge story <<
  Lengthy, but definitely worth the read. Some
  guys friend had her phone stolen, so he asked
  the guy who took it to give it back. He said
  no, so he waged war on him, internet style.
  It's probably going to end in the arrest of
  the guy who stole it, but at the moment its
  still ongoing and extremely amusing.
http://www.evanwashere.com/StolenSidekick/


  >> Gammy porn <<
  A reader whose name we won't publish
  confesses, "Guys, this model's site give me a
  semi-lob every time i look at it." Quite
  frankly, we're appalled. She looks like a
  lovely lady and we wish her every success in
  her modelling career.
http://www.kellyalice.co.uk/frame.htm


  >> When Adsense takes the piss <<
  Vince writes, "You recently ran an item about
  an inappropriate Google sponsored link on
  somebody's webpage. Think about it; you're
  running a news item about the press conference
  given by the East London Raid Brothers - the
  two guys who were nicked in the middle of the
  night by 250 cops, shot, had their house
  meticulously and thoroughly trashed, were held
  for a week without charge and then released on
  account of the fact that they're totally
  innocent. An operation now regarded as an
  unmitigated disaster for the boys in blue. So
  what do you think Google might decide to
  advertise next to this item? Go on, have a
  guess."
http://www.b3tards.com/uploads/adsensrozzers.gif

 
  >> Illusion tutorial <<
  Doing the rounds of the social bookmarking
  sites like Digg and Delicious this week as
  been been this neat trick. We wasted a good 30
  minutes playing with photoshop making our own
  versions with kittens, you may wish to do
  similar if you're bored like.
http://www.johnsadowski.com/color_illusion_tutorial.html


  >> Store prank <<
  80 people dressed as store employees descended
  upon the local Best Buy (American equivalent
  of shops like Comet) and hung around helping
  the customers... A fun and possibly inspiring
  read.
http://snipurl.com/pxpp


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Promoting Youtube before it goes all Pete Tong 

  * JAPANSESE BAND-AID TIPS
    You say: This is fucking genius!
    We say: This is fucking retarded!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=FhklMGA01Gg

  * TEENAGE GIRL VIDEO BLOG
    You say: Ha, ha, look at the silly girl.
    We say: We wonder what her parents think? 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2d6Ca6HUmM

  * FROGGER WITH TOY FROGS
    You say: Cool stop motion video game.
    We say: Oooh, can someone make this work as
    a real game please?
http://www.veoh.com/videoDetails.html?v=e78352JcfQJfpP

  * DEMFORMED TORTOISE
    You say: This makes me sad.
    We say: Remember bonsai kitten.
http://snipurl.com/awwwpoorthing

  * OOZINATOR 'BUKKAKE' TOY
    You say: A great product for kids?!
    We say: Stop sending this link in already!
http://snipurl.com/putz

  * BLOKE PUKES ON STRIPPER
    You say: Best party ever?
    We say: Fratboy or Twatboy.
http://www.filecabi.net/video/lapdaceforget.html

  * BIRD IMPERSONATES CAMERA
    You say: Wow. Just wow.
    We say: Larvell Jones (Police Academy) with feathers
http://snipurl.com/rqm8


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  For fucks sake please kill it.
  
  Emilianopetronilli writes - "There's this new
  beer being marketed in Italy, it's called
  DRIVE, with DRIVE stamped in big capital
  letters on the label."

  Nicely fitting in with the cultural stereotype
  that the spaghetti-munchers are all drunk
  drivers, and a great jingle to boot.
http://www.drivebeer.com/main.html


-------------------------------------------------

: BOOK OF THE MONTH
  Who cares about disabled people?

  An ill-thought out double meaning here? Or are
  they being clever?  
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0859533611/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Tory Challenge

  Last week we we were playing wind-up and got
  you to photoshop Tory posters to help them
  become elected. We were both pleased and
  slightly frightened to see the results  turn
  up on several right-wing blogs.

  Our favourites included:
 
  * WORD SEARCH - using cunning trickery to get
  the vote. (Afinkawan)

  * CONS.ER...VAT.I'VE - probably the most
  'viral' of the entries. (The Great Architect,)

  * STICKER SWAPS - you can always trust Monkeon
  to produce something odd. 

   All these images, and the highest as
   voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tories/

  >> New challenge: Road signs <<
  Already looking popular is our New Road Signs
  challenge, 21 pages of entries so far and
  numerous links from popular blogs such as
  BoingBoing.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/roadsigns/

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * LEGAL TROUBLE FOR POO SONG - DogHorse writes
  - "Gillian McKeith's lawyers got shirty with
  us and threatened a libel case, and we
  acknowledge that Gillian McKeith's PhD is, of
  course, as real as any other gained through
  the former American Holistic College of
  Nutrition's correspondence courses." Heh, and
  Tim has edited a similar line into the video,
  which actually makes it much funnier than
  before.
http://stablesound.co.uk/poo.php


  * JOKES BY KIDS - Presto writes, " I've got a
  little joke made up by an 8 year old I know
  who wants his joke to get on the interweb: Q.
  What is Dr Who's Favourite Food? A. Dalek
  Bread!"
  
-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  BTW: This is the hardest bit of the newsletter
  to write, and every Friday we're always
  scrabbling around BBC news to see if anything
  inspires us. Anyway, to save our tears, we'll
  actually give you some real advice for once.

  DON'T 
  * Rip-off Joel's Kitten animations, we're not
  going to run them.
  * Describe your great idea and emailing asking
  us "are you interested?", we can judge on
  results, not ideas.
  * Tell us you never read the newsletter and
  we're crap and then ask to be featured. 
  * Send us press clippings of your website
  appearing in national newspapers. We like to
  be first, or at least early.
  * Plaster it with so many ads that we can't
  hardly see the content.
  
  DO
  * Run with a silly idea that you thought up in
  the pub.
 
  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel without
  David Stevenson because he was on a posh
  holiday hence. Stuff sent in by  redazril,
  richibald, Fascists Eat Donuts, hahn, tgs,
  redazril, PMGT, grungernelly, v.rogers,
  hannah.saks, alex.morris, Richibald, inder,
  rob.gilbey, José el Gorrion and Jimmy Large.
  Nobody reads this bit so we can stick rude
  things here like bumhole and poos. Top Tippery
  by Pachey. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. B4ta in da house. (109200)
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:

  If you get gum stuck to your hair or clothes,
  use peanut butter to remove it. The oil
  dissolves the chewy stuff, and the peanut
  butter washes out easily with shampoo,
  detergent or washing up liquid.

-------------------------------------------------

 : SPONSORED LINK

  "Same shit different day?  Stop being a wage
  slave - do something you love.  Chinwag Jobs -
  now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun16?a_aid=cwj

next issue »
« previous issue