NEWSLETTER: "STINKY LINKY FROM OUR PINKY WINKY"
This Week:
* GAME - Shag, marry or kill?
* FLICKR - Print your photos as business cards
* GOOD NEWS! - Message from Jesus
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 247 - 22 Sept 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue247/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Clerks 2 Quotes
"I want to see if a chick with a mouthful of
donkey spunk swallows." Randal to Elias
"The best part of this job is all the barely
legal pussy that comes in. And they all look
up to me because I've got a driver's
license." Randal to Dante
"17 year olds nowadays are crazy. They even
like it when you go ass-to-mouth." Randal to
Dante
"What kind of sick fuck gets turned on
watching a guy fuck a donkey?" Jay to Silent Bob
Clerks 2 - at cinemas now
http://snipurl.com/clerks2movie
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Shag game, cards, Formby and Steel
>> Marry, shag or kill <<
Hotornot, the web hit of yesteryear was based
on the premise that all men on seeing a lady
instantly make a rough rating on her sex
appeal. Gilgamesh takes the idea one stage
further by presenting you with three images
and asking which ones you'd marry, shag or
kill. We found the game surprisingly
engrossing. And not just because your Ginger
Fuhrer is in the list, and so far 42.0% of you
want to shag him.
http://kineticnorth.com/MarryShagKill/
>> Print your flickr cards <<
B3ta designer Denise has recently joined an
internet start-up company called Moo, offering
flickr users the ability to print out business
cards based on their own photos. They look
fantastic and almost every blog on the planet
is linking to the news this week. Go girl!
http://www.moo.com/
>> Ace of Spades Vs George Formby <<
"I made this!", crows goatboy2k, "George's
version of the Motorhead classic." Woo. Kept
us entertained whilst the kettle was boiling
anyway.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ace_of_Formby
>> Danielle Steel title generator <<
"Oi B3ta, it's me again. The Record Store Cats
blokey", mews c_kick, "Ever wondered how
Danielle Steel finds the inspiration for her
novels? I have cracked the Steel Code."
http://ds.hnldesign.nl
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Unexpected Good Fortune
After weeks of wallowing in the disasters of
your lives, we thought we'd find out about the
times when things have finally gone right:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectedgoodfortune/
* POSH TOILET ENCOUNTER
"A fine summer's day, and my Croatian friend
insisted we visit the "Henley Boating Fair".
By the time we got to Henley, we were pretty
mortal and shouting Slavonic curses at all
and sundry, but we ended up in some form of
hotel bar full of decent chaps with more
than a passing resemblance to the Major in
Fawlty Towers. Croatian was in heaven,
discussing military techniques with the
passion and knowledge that only stems from
having recently participated in civil war. I
slipped out to powder my nose. Bingo! Wallet
on the floor of the cubicle, stuffed full of
pink grannies (£50s to you BACS people).
Opened the cubicle door to find a very
drunk, very old Major type looking quite
concerned. "I...I don't suppose you've seen
a wallet anywhere, old chap?" he slurred.
What to do? I handed the wallet back, and
the old duffer's eyes lit up. "Damn good
chap! Damn good chap! Come on, let's have a
drink!". Spent the next 5 hours alternating
between brandy and champagne, utterly
wrecked we crashed out, only to staggered
down for breakfast to find the old fella had
paid our entire room and bar bill and left
an envelope containing £100 with
instructions to eat a decent luncheon. A
true gentleman." (cowfoot )
* KIDDIE TOILET ENCOUNTER
"Aged 8, me and my dad were in a pub and we
needed the bathroom at the same time. At the
urinals is a stranger. Just as I was
beginning to let fly, the strange man said
"Hi" to me. I looked at my dad, confused.
Then back at the strange man, "Um... hi?"
The man quickly said back, "You shouldn't
talk to strangers!" This confused me, but he
continued, "Luckily I'm a good stranger! I
own a string of restaurants and am very
rich." He then proceeded to pull out the
FATTEST wad of cash you have ever seen, peel
off a 20 pound note and hand it to me, then
peel off another and hand it to my dad. "Put
that in a bank and when you're older, you
can open your own chain of restaurants," he
said. I solemnly promised to take his
advice. I spent it all the next day on
sweets." (Black sky)
* NOTHING TO DO WITH TOILETS
"Yes! Last week, I put 40p in the vending
machine at work, and not one but TWO Twixes
came out. Best day ever." (Mikey_C)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you your stories of old people vs
computers. Talk us through the inevitable here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplevscomputers/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Ewokocalypse now! <<
Cast your minds back a few months and we
mentioned Jerslater's blog 'How to Write
Screenplays. Badly.' Specifically, an amusing
post on pitching a script to Hollywood
entitled 'Rape Bear'. We're also enjoying the
rest of his blog - his writing on
procrastination says it all better than we
could.
http://jerslater.blogspot.com/2006/09/on-writers-l...
>> USB AA Batteries <<
Continuing the endless theme of "shortcut to
marketing smash = make it USB" comes the
rechargeable batteries that you can plug
directly into your PC, no re-charger required.
Quite frankly this is a genius idea, and if
they didn't sell batteries so cheap in our
local Woolworth's, we'd buy shares in the
company.
http://www.usbcell.com/
>> Flying saucer clouds <<
UFO nuts: Did you ever think that those
strange shapes in the sky might be clouds?
"Noooo!" you say, "I know what clouds look
like." Think again, X-files fans. The truth is
up there.
http://pic1.funtigo.com/valuca
>> Message from Jesus <<
Good news! Jesus has appeared to eBay user
xilliontherockopera and told him four secrets,
including the bombshell news that cancer is
"caused by biting our cuticles or biting our
lips." You have the opportunity to buy the
very notepad where our befuddled eBayer has
scribbled his bipolar insights.
http://snipurl.com/jesussecrets
>> Wikipedia: Semen <<
We love Wikipedia, it's the finest flowering
of collective human knowledge since the
invention of the library. We also enjoy the
odd little corners which might not have made
it into the Encyclopaedia Britannica,
including this page on ejaculate, illustrated
by an anonymous Wikipedian's photo of his own
spunk dripping off some nasty wallpaper. Way
to go.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semen
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Two-headed cat <<
We've all seen photos of two-headed kittens
emailed from inbox to inbox, but here's a
video of a living adult feline with plural
faces. A cat for Cubists.
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_vids/Two_Headed_Cat.htm
>> Quizmania gaffe <<
For our readers who keep sensible waking
hours, Quizmania is a show broadcast in the
dead of night where punters phone in to grab
the prizes. One of our favourite presenters is
Greggles. His Butlins-style patter is
sub-Shane Ritchie but we can't help but love
him. Witness here his difficulty dealing with
a woman who calls in and casually drops the
fact that she had her legs cut off. Great
stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quizmania_No_Legs_Caller
>> Best rap video ever? <<
'Weird Al' Yankovic is still best known in the
UK for his 80s parody of Jacko's 'Beat It',
entitled 'Eat It'. Hopefully things might
change with this fantastic take on geek
culture; 'White and Nerdy'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/best_rap_video_ever
>> White Stripes Vs Simpsons <<
Forget Ricky Gervais's much-hyped but
ultimately crappy appearance on the show, the
smart money is on The White Stripes for the
coveted "best Simpsons cameo" award. Props to
the Michael Gondry parody guys.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/White_Stripes_vs_Simpson...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Quim Trim
Angela Shingler exclaims, "In Paris, Texas
there is a shop called MINGE TAXIDERMY!" She's
not fibbing, you know. Looks like a great
place to get your muff stuffed.
http://local.yahoo.com/details
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: ASK THE B3TARDS
For when Google can't help
>> Visible guffing <<
Last we we asked why you can't see your farts
on a cold day the same way you can see your
breath. Once again, we were deluged with
answers and/or half-baked theories. Darkmogwai
seemed fairly credible when he told us, "There
are two factors to bear in mind here:
"1. Breath coming from your mouth is taken
directly from your lungs. Your lungs are
naturally kept warm and extremely moist in
order to continue functioning. Hence, the
breath that emerges from your mouth is about
6% water at a temperature of 37 degrees. On
the other hand, the environment of the lower
intestine is considerably less moist, as will
be the gas emerging from your anus when you
parp.
"2. The visibility of your breath in the air
on a cold day is determined by two things -
the coldness and the humidity of the air
itself. The coldness is the most important of
the two. But also, the more humid the air
you're breathing out into, the more visible
your breath.
"So the answer is fairly self-explanatory -
arse gas will not show up as well as breath in
cold air, since the resulting mixture of arse
gas/air will have a lower overall humidity and
will not be as visible.
"Having said all this, it's possible that in
cold enough, humid enough conditions people
will be able to tell you've farted from about
100 yards away due to the resulting cloud. But
it would have to be REALLY humid."
Phew. So that's that solved. Or is it?
Daveoddysey weighed in with, "Ever seen a cow
fart in chilly winter? I have - and their
flatulence is highly visible. I can only
conclude that the volume of gas must have a
bearing on the ability of it to support
moistness."
>> Tramps <<
This week, Beddoes told us, "For well over ten
years there has been a filthy tramp living
under the flyover by Chiswick roundabout. He
lives in a small box and has many different
trampy propaganda signs aimed at the road.
What's he all about?" We suspect the answer to
this one won't be too easy to find on
wikipedia...
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: HUMAN ZOO
Camp bloke in red wellies
Stuck for some lovely new wallpaper to brighten
up your desktop? Thank this German pervert for
putting the boot into bootiful.
http://www.trend4rain.de/10.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Egg Challenge
Last week we asked for anything egg-related.
Yep, anything.
Your favourites included:
* ROD HULL - Uncovering the dark origins of
one of UK comedy's great double acts (Monkeon)
* SCOTCH EGG - The ingredients of Scotland's
legendary junk food finally revealed (mrRush)
* FERTILISATION - The secret lives of
spermatazoa (Leningrad)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/egg/
>> New challenge: Holly Dyslexia <<
The plot is awesome, Hollywood's finest actors
are in place, all we need now is a
headline-grabbing, heart-stopping title to
ensure big box office returns... so how could
it all go wrong in a few little words?
(suggested by The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dyslexia/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TA MUMS ARE TOMORROW PEOPLE - blindmelon
writes, "Re: Bullitt's mum. My mum was in the
Tomorrow People too. She was Hsui Tai, who
actually WAS one of the Tomorrow People and
therefore is far cooler and could have
Bullitt's mum in a fight. And she avoided
being in the porn parody thing." Here's a
photo of her in action if you're interested.
She's kinda hot.
http://www.effdee.demon.co.uk/tp/pics/hsuitai.htm
* SCARY DUCK BOOK - niceonefranco chirrups,
"Having followed last week's link regarding
Scary Duck's new book, I was swiftly
redirected to well-known literature-peddling
site, Amazon. So far, so good. However,
scrolling further down, I happened upon the
'Customers who viewed this item also
viewed...' section, which included: Signing
for Dummies, Overcoming Dyslexia for Dummies &
Mormonism for Dummies."
http://snipurl.com/scary_duck_book
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: FRIDAY GAME
Geography test
Think you know where your countries are? This
Google Maps hack is testing to the point of
making us feel stupid.
http://www.mindpicnic.com/maps-quiz/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PRINT YOUR OWN WEBBY - fancy getting a bit
of online attention and annoy all the right
people? Why not build a 'Print Your Own Webby'
application ? There's a blank form here.
http://snipurl.com/webbyform
* FREE CHILDCARE - we were looking at the
childcare bills of the micro-fuhrer - £1300
per month! - and wondering how we could do it
better. Our (admittedly bonkers) theory: Open
a child modelling agency/nursery that only
takes on pretty children. The placement is
free, but all earnings go to the company.
QUIDS IN!
* PRO-CELEBRITY RICHARD HAMMOND RALLY - surely
there's a tawdry little flash game in that?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Top Tippery by google.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Word to b4ta. (Big number - smaller number)
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TOP TIP:
Clean your keyboard by putting it upside down
on the top rack of your dishwasher. Use the
short cycle, but don't use soap. Do not
re-connect until completely air-dried.
