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NEWSLETTER: "A SMIDGEN OF PIGEON IS JUST ENOUGH TO GIVE YOUR KIDS A TREAT, FULL OF PIGEONY GOODNESS UNTIL IT'S TIME TO EAT"

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This Week:
* QUESTION - Tell us your debt woes
* JIMMY SAVILE - Is he dead yet?
* MUSIC - Diana, The Musical

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 255 - 24 Nov 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue255/

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: BEST OF THE WEB... NOW ON TV
  Sponsored link
 
  Loving the absurd movies you get in your
  inbox? Laughing out loud at those risqué
  commercials you've downloaded? Liking
  the stupidity of people on their webcams?
  Then take a look at Totally Viral as it
  brings all that content direct to your
  TV, watch it only on UKTV G2 from Monday
  27th November at 10.30pm. NOTE: Contains
  title sequence from Weebl, so that's
  another good reason to watch it.
http://snipurl.com/b3ta_totally_viral


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Need our love? Then speak using the mighty
  power of your fingers.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Stuff, nonsense, bollocks and filth

  >> Jimmy Savile death-watch <<
  "To end the constant 'isn't he dead?'
  discussions in the office", whines Johnsto,
  "I've started up one of those 'blog' things to
  monitor and chronicle how dead Jimmy Savile
  is. It gets updated every few hours with the
  latest developments; if death-shy Jimmy dies,
  it'll be there sort of pronto. Not a lot has
  happened thus far, but I have a good feeling
  about next Thursday." Fingers crossed.
http://jimmysavilledeathwatch.blogspot.com/


  >> Craptic crossword <<
  Baldmonkey has been annoying the fuck out of
  our messageboards for months now, but he's
  done one thing that makes his existence on
  this miserable planet worthwhile. He's
  upgraded the humble crossword and filled it
  with shit. Yep, every clue and every answer is
  turdicular. Print it out and stick it your
  bog. Hopefully answers will be provided next
  week.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/gif/craptic.gif


  >> Polaroids in the post <<
  McAllister asks, "Have you ever tried popping
  a stamp on a Polaroid and dropping it in the
  post? Or better still, send us one. It's like
  a really low tech Flickr."
http://www.postcardpolaroid.com/


  >> Caption my kitten <<
  Last week we asked you to build a site with
  the above title. Doktorrob gambols in and
  mews, "Because I'm an unimaginative bastard, I
  went ahead and knocked it up. It's got
  kittens, it's got captions, and it's utterly,
  utterly pointless." Indeed, and good luck with
  the Adsense earnings.
http://www.captionmykitten.com/


  >> Inexplicable real world game <<
  "Hi", bubbles European Chris, "I'm hosting a
  game in London on December the 9th-might be of
  interest to you guys. Basically it involves
  running around London getting messages and
  scaring the fuck out of strangers by saying
  they have nice shoes." To be honest we can't
  make head or tail of it, however, Wikipedia
  tells us that one of the designers also worked
  on the enormously popular and press-worthy I
  Love Bees game, and we don't want to look
  stupid by missing out on the Next. Big. Thing.
http://cruelgame.com/about/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Beautiful but Bonkers

  We've been asking you to tell us mucky stories
  about ex-partners who were as sexy as turnips
  but completely mentalated.
  
  It's steamy stuff, and frankly all of the
  stories are way too long for our lovely
  newsletter. Read them on the site. Bring your
  own tissues.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/bonkers/


  >> Debt Pron <<
  As a change of gear (well, Mike who normally
  sets the questions is on a wanking holiday in
  Wales), we're asking you about your debt
  problems. Already it's clear, you lot need
  some serious financial advice. Especially the
  bloke who's now living in Spain having run up
  £25k worth of debts in the UK. Anyone reading
  who works on those Bank of Mummy or the Wife
  shows? Book this bloke now, he needs an
  intervention.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/debtpron/
  

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Richard Hammond's What Not to Drive <<
  The diminutive motoring journalist gives his
  views on the cars you really don't want to be
  driving. Although, as one comment already
  says, he would have been well-advised to
  include '300mph rocket car' on that list...
http://snipurl.com/oh_richard


  >> "Google compromised my national security!" <<
  Over on The Register they've been running a
  Google Earth competition to 'spot the black
  helicopter'. The entries have flooded in, with
  nice clear satellite photographs of a variety
  of US air-bases, docks and military
  facilities. How handy! (Yes it's old, but it's
  gooood.)
http://snipurl.com/k5k0


  >> Milli Vanilli-style shenanigans? <<
  Fascinating blind story from a guy purporting
  to be a show-biz lawyer. An unnamed female pop
  star owes her entire success to the efforts of
  a self-effacing session singer. Is it real or
  just a wind-up - and who is the celebrity
  involved?
http://snipurl.com/is_it_real


  >> MSPaint porn <<
  Sex-crazed web perverts go wild with
  Microsoft's premium spack-handed free drawing
  program. The results may well be NSFW
  depending on the talent of the individual
  concerned. They're certainly meant to be. 
http://www.mspaintporn.net/index2.html


  >> Diana: The Musical <<
  Inspired by the tragical death of the Queen of
  Our Hearts, two ardent fans decided the best
  way to express their grief was in the form of
  a Broadway biographical musical. And isn't it
  just! Particularly recommend 'Charles, I need
  help!"
http://www.jmrproductions.com/princess_diana/


  >> Tit wank on Wikipedia <<
  It's always a joyous thing when you look up
  rude words in the dictionary or encyclopaedia
  and find they're really there. The
  accompanying illustration is merely the icing
  on the cake (so to speak).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tit_wank


  >> Camera geek-out <<
  Here's an interesting thing: the photo-sharing
  site Flickr has been trying to gather
  information on the cameras people are using,
  or at least make a good guess. They've made
  graphs of the most popular. Not only is that
  great for nosy nerds like us, but we can think
  of worse ways to decide what camera to buy...
http://www.flickr.com/cameras/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Or just go to YouTube and search for 'tits'

  >> Racist Kramer <<
  It's been all over the news of course,
  Seinfeld actor Michael Richards went
  absolutely mental on stage, lambasting some
  Afro-American hecklers. Here's the whole thing
  captured on camera phone. It's not pleasant:
  he should probably have stuck to the
  slapstick. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgmCBKPHnSY


  >> Global lightswitch <<
  Nice idea for a short film - bloke discovers
  an enormous rope hanging from the sky. Can he
  resist pulling it? Of course not.
http://www.paranoidprojects.com/popup.php?id=118


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Shit on our face, it would be more fun 

  * WORTH IT FOR THE TAGLINE - looks like a
  toppy bear to us. 
http://www.muskokalakesrealestate.com/

  * "I was on holiday round Ireland earlier this
  year, and came across this town..." (Thanks
  paolobyram)
http://snipurl.com/ideal_for_lezzers

  * "Vag Valves.  And their mascot? A beaver! 
  Yes, a beaver!" (Cheers to lloydmorgan)
http://www.vag-valvecontrol.com/


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: FREEBEE COMPO TIME
  Forget your 40k debt problem and win, Win, WIN!

  >> Retro-gaming scarfs <<
  Boarder Account88888 has been busy getting
  elves to knit scarfs with Space Invader and
  Scramble designs. We've got three to give away
  if you can can think of a funny completing of
  the following sentence, "I love 8-bit gaming
  because..." You can also, of course, buy these
  if you fancy it, and you should, for they are
  ace.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/24/retro-scarf-competition/


  >> Rathergood toys <<
  Last week we gave you the beyond exciting
  opportunity to win some of Joel Veitch's soft
  toys in exchange for you filling in the
  tiebreaker, "If I was Joel Veitch for the day
  I would..."

  Winning answers included

  * "Rape The Queen in her gaping anus" (Noctu)

  * "Murder every cunt that had ever crossed me
    in one glorious day of vengeance" (Ben)

  * "Id have a cock! So masturbate till my cock
    blistered and my palms bled" (Ree)

  * "Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just
    the once" (Mong The Merciless Says)
http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/15/rathergood-competition/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the McCartney Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to 'shop Paul
  McCartney. You didn't let us down.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SAVE THE BEATLES - Fuck the seals, 
    here's a real endangered species.
    (thiswasmyclone)

  * GOLD-DIGGER - It's true. The old ones 
    really are the best. Especially when 
    they're animated. (Vulthoom)

  * MICHELANGELO - The Creation Of Adam 
    gets that long-awaited makeover. (The 
    Great Architect)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/macca/


  >> New challenge: Extreme Panto <<
  It's Pantomime season! So show us what
  wildly inappropriate film/book etc. you'd
  like to see 'panto'ed up' down at your 
  local theatre. Challenge suggested by 
  Hamster Trippin'
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/panto/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MAXIMUM SPAMMAGE - "So much for the 'Bland
  Newsletter Title' last week," sighs
  piercedmetalfreak. "My spam filter gave issue
  256 'Jesus Christ's Cock up Virgin Mary's
  Arse' a spam rating of 213.009, but issue 257
  'Bland Newsletter Title' got a whopping
  5203.853 rating of spaminess. Congratulations
  B3ta, you managed to best my and my
  colleague's day long attempt to find the
  maximum spam rating by sending each other
  increasingly filthy emails."
  
  * NEWSLETTER 'MAGIC NUMBER' - geekcat
  enquires, "Re: the number at the end of issue
  253... is it the phone number of someone you
  know? Perhaps they didn't appreciate getting a
  prank call from the other side of the world."
  It was Ginger Fuhrer Rob's childhood phone
  number, in fact. Just one of many, many
  Wolverhampton-based hidden messages secreted
  in the texts of past newsletters. Can you find
  them all?

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MYTEACHERSMADEMESPUFF.CO.UK - "After the
  link to RateMyTeacher in the last newsletter,
  I was slightly taken aback to see that my
  comments would be moderated. I really wanted
  to pass comment on how hot some of my teachers
  were." (Rotating Wobbly Hat)


  * CHRIS TARANT SWEARDUKO - "The current Tarant
  advert for the brain improver game where he is
  in the Taxi reciting four obscure words
  repeatedly. Change the obscure words to Fuck,
  Tart, Loose, Wife. Please see to it" (tim.muuk)


  * BRIAN BLESSED READS SICK JOKES - we reckon
  than an audio book CD thing with Brian
  shouting out jokes like, "What's got one ball
  and fucks prostitutes? Peter Sutcliffe's
  hammer! would be a smash." The publisher
  hasn't replied to our emails, even the one
  going, "Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it.
  Let's do it. Let's do it." Can you ask them
  for us?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Tony Howat, Guy Hellier and ged
  Top Tippery by posh financial chappy.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Badgers to B4ta. (05121973)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  We asked a posh financial person about what to
  do about all the debtors on our boards, as
  frankly we're worried about you. He said,
  "tell them to go see a non-profit debt
  counsellor." This is sound advice, take it.

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