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NEWSLETTER: "HEIL HONEY, I'M HOME"

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This Week:
* HIPPOS - More hippos that you could ever want
* VOTE - Bill Gates for President?
* RANT - Why keyboards are shite

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 256 - 1 Dec 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue256/

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: SPONSORED LINK
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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  We're running 'naked ad week' this week, all
  enquiries will be answered in the nude.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Hippos, Climate Change, Keyboards

  >> Loads and loads and loads of hippos <<
  This week the B3ta boarders have been getting
  obsessed with hippos and this is a joyous
  thread indeed. Woo for hippos and woo for the
  people who photomash them up.  
http://b3ta.com/board/6575932


  >> Global warning <<
  Inspired, he insists, by the eerie sight of a
  wasp in November, Pesky Young Scamp knocked up
  a terrifying, but musical, climate change
  warning. Like the peculiar polar bear ending.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJTDSEPSfhk


  >> Rob hates keyboards <<
  B3ta's ginger fuhrer heatedly rants about What
  is Wrong With Keyboards Nowadays in the hope
  that "somehow my message will reach the Gods
  Who Create Keyboards and they'll design a
  special keyboard, just for me. And then I can
  die, happy." In the interests of clarity, we
  should point out he also hates keyboards with
  white keys, as they show the marks from his
  mucky, street-urchin fingers.
http://snipurl.com/top10_keybs_are_shit


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Debt Pron

  We wanted to know just how stupidly in debt
  you all were. Very stupidly, it seems:
http://b3ta.com/questions/debtpron/

  In amongst the sea of huge debts run up simply
  trying to eat, this stands out as a gem of 
  reckless spending:
  
  "When drunk a few years ago, I ordered 500
  quid's worth of toilet paper. Yep, toilet
  paper. On a CapitalOne card. I had fun playing
  with it when it arrived, building forts and
  suchlike, but I only crap as much as the next
  bloke. It wasn't long before I realised what a
  complete fool I had been. Most of it was
  skipped a few weeks later. A mate of mine
  swears he didn't put the idea into my head
  when I was wankered, but I don't believe him.
  My parents (bless them), have recently given
  me £1k to help out with my financial problems.
  Maybe on his deathbed I'll tell my father
  where £500 of that actually went." (Slagmaster)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd want your body modifications that went
  wrong. Did you stick something through your
  dangly bits and regret it? It's not always
  alluring: ThatBlokeThere has already posted,
  "there's that many bits of metal in there that
  it often sounds like some fucker is playing
  the spoons in his pants." Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bodymodification/


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: BOLLOCKS TO THE 'WAR ON TERROR'
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  bollocks bollocks. It's pure bollocks.
http://www.waronterrortheboardgame.com


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Bill Gates for president? <<
  Blokey who draws the Dilbert cartoon wants
  Bill Gates for the next US President. Firstly
  we thought no to the Kermit-faced geek, as
  windows is gay and rubbish, but on sober
  reflection he might have a point. Gates is
  financially shrewd, does tons of work for
  starving, poor black people in Africa and
  helps with the AIDS. Frankly he's a new Diana
  for our times. And he's less likely to be as
  warmongering as the current bible-bashing
  retard that occupies the White House today.
  Bring it on.
http://snipurl.com/wedvoteforhim


  >> Best Amazon list ever? <<
  Last week your Ginger Fuhrer realised that he
  had a shelf in the front room that wasn't
  being utilised effectively as he couldn't
  reach it. Solution? Buy a step-ladder. In the
  process of doing some research into the
  exciting world of personal elevation, he found
  this rather curious list on Amazon entitled
  "My fave ladders!", including such gems as,
  The 3 Step by Hailo, "I love this one, it was
  here on the highest step that my wife first
  performed an act of oral love upon me" and
  Aluminium Combi Ladders, "It's cool metal
  against my buttocks is almost orgasmic."
  Brilliantly odd.
http://snipurl.com/best_amazon_list


  >> 13 things that don't make sense <<
  If we were writing this article we'd include *
  Why do men have nipples? * Why hasn't someone
  invented pants for cats so you don't have to
  look at their anus? * Why don't northerners
  feel the cold? However, the New Scientist
  wrote it instead, and filled it with rather
  interesting stuff about the the placebo effect.
http://space.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=mg18524911.600


  >> Bid on Syd Barrett <<
  Syd Barrett, acid-casualty singer of Pink
  Floyd, recently died and his estate went up
  for auction. We regret not bidding on this
  rather beautiful landscape which went for a
  song at £6k. Surely under-priced as it would
  be the perfect talking point for any
  pop-star's fuck-pit. But ignoring the money
  aspect, it's a lovely bit of work, and we're
  very happy that Syd continued being creative
  even after going bonkers. We hope his art
  brought him some inner-peace. Yay for Syd.
http://snipurl.com/syd_we_love_you


  >> Rob's povvo corner <<
  Another tip from your Fuhrer who mentions, "I
  need to buy some boozes as I'm having party
  (happy birthday to me) and Tesco.com was
  spacking out. Hence I shopped at Ocado. Just
  before I was about to pay I noticed a thing
  saying, "put your money off voucher here". So
  I googled 'ocado voucher' and found this site.
  So I got £10 off my drink order. Lots of other
  deals on the site. Great stuff." You heard
  him, remember a penny saved is two in the
  bush. Sort of.
http://www.hotukdeals.com/main


  >> "My sister is a porn star" <<
  Amusing thread featuring blokey meeting his
  half-sister for the first time and recognising
  her from films such as "Cum Sucking Whore
  Named Kacey" and the classic, "White Chicks
  Gettin' Black Balled 8". Movies he'd
  masturbated to on many a happy occasion. Jerry
  Springer should be booking this family now.
http://snipurl.com/ha_ha_ha_ha


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  YouTube, have you heard of it? It's a new site...

  >> Heil Honey, I'm home! <<
  The stuff of TV legend is finally available to
  view in its entirety on YouTube. One of the
  best concepts for a show we've ever seen,
  shame about the script. Larry David, if you're
  reading, buy the format rights and turn it
  into the truly hilarious comedy it deserves to
  be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbj9otRPdiM&eurl=


  >> 1920s cock cartoon <<
  "Oi!", blurts Mozza, "I've found a 'what
  cartoon studios get up to when no one is
  looking' shorts, apparently from 1924 and made
  by one of the more reputable cartoon studios
  (Disney/Fleischer)." We like it because the
  main character shoots his own penis with a
  gun. Clever.
http://www.guba.com/watch/2000904493


  >> Monty mole Vs Live hamster <<
  Some clever monkey has rebuilt the screens
  from the 80s computer game Monty Mole and
  filmed his pet as the lead character.
  Charming, genius even. This will be ripped off
  for an ad, mark our words. But who for?
  Rent-a-kill? 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIP7djqpeK0


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 

  * HELL.COM is for sale. We care because the
  current owner is a Los Angeles software
  engineer, Jim Bumgardner.  What a great name.
  Can we buy that instead?
http://snipurl.com/jim_bumgardiner


  * OLAV DE KOCK - Jimvin writes, "Sounds like a
  Cockney homosexual. Michael Barrymore perhaps?"
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/0/88b/a9b


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Extreme Panto Challenge

  Last week we asked you to show us what wildly
  inappropriate films and books you'd like to
  see 'panto'ed up' down at your local theatre.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * ESCHER - It's behind you! Oh no it's not!
  This panto will fuck with your head (Centaur)

  * SEVEN - Snow White puts the fear of God into
  Brad Pitt (1.618...)

  * MEIN KAMPF - Without a doubt, it's the role
  Joe Pasquale was born to play (londoner)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/panto/


  >> New challenge: Selling Celibacy <<
  Our youth are in danger: STDs are everywhere,
  and unwanted pregnancies are on the rise. So
  how do we sell celibacy to teenagers? Show us,
  via the magic of image manipulation.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celibacy/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * RUDE OLD WIKIPEDIA - in the wake of our
  mentioning the encyclopaedia's kind of
  gratuitous entry on 'tit wank', we're indebted
  to embecla2003 for pointing us to the linked
  article on 'pearl necklace'. Nuff respect to
  the enterprising nerds who provided the
  accompanying... educational picture.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_necklace_%28sexuality%29


  * RECORD STORE CATS AD - "Hello," beams
  c_kick. "I wanted to show you the TV
  Commercial those Jamba chaps made for me. It's
  Swedish, which adds extra points to the hummus
  factor..." Nice one! Well done, mate.
http://blog.hnldesign.nl/record-store-cats-tv-commercial


  * BRIAN BLESSED reads the B3ta Sick Joke book
  - or at least maybe. "I might be able to help
  on this front, he is my cousin," says
  Foxtrotlima. "I will get back to you in a
  couple of days, as he is out of the country
  atm. And he has a very sick sense of humour
  and would probably find this rather amusing."


  * TONY BLAIR JUGGLING PETITION - Manic's bid
  to have the PM stand on his head and juggle
  ice-cream has borne some fruit. To recap, the
  UK government   is now letting members of the
  public set up petitions on its website. So
  far, 1,408 people have signed their support
  for Manic. Hehe.
http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/juggle/


  * WEEBL'S EBAY AUCTION has finished, raising
  an amazing £1,750 for Oxfam. "According to the
  Oxfam figures (in the e-bay listing), the
  winning bid will pay for the building of a
  classroom, and 20 textbooks, or they could buy
  an entire mango plantation. Thanks to all who
  bidded," writes skoo. They'll be starting on
  the cartoon as soon as they get the relevant
  details. 
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/news/614/auction-update


  * CYRIAK ON BBC NEWS - Brighton-based animator
  an all-round B3ta superstar Cyriak has made it
  onto BBC local news. "I'm crap at interviews,"
  he harrumphs modestly, "and yes my mouse could
  do with a clean." Still, not bad going to be
  on the news with a big picture of your face
  under the headline 'Monster Hit'. Well done!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tu3IkbDvteQ


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Human Cannonball game

  Can you fire the little man onto the safe
  trampoline without killing him? So good, we
  didn't even notice that it's a promo for some
  mints until the official B3ta wife pointed it
  out. Gah, fuck it. Who cares, as long as it's
  fun.
http://www.altoids.com/play.do?id=17979


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BRITISH TEETH VS AMERICAN TEETH - a
  community photo quiz thingie. Upload your
  fangs and guess on the 'gnashernality' of
  others' filthy stumps. Would be more popular
  than that photo of Britney Spears with her
  flaps out.

  * KINETIC KEYBOARD - wireless keyboards are
  shit as you have to keep changing batteries.
  However, all that pressing of keys is kinetic
  energy. Hence could be used to charge a
  battery. This is where we get stuck. Can some
  physics geniuses write a page (with diagrams)
  on whether this is feasible? Or would you have
  to play a quick game of Daley Thompson's
  Decathlon to power it up?

  * A DYSON KEYBOARD HOOVER - that works for
  more than four minutes. For fuck's sake, what
  use is that?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob 'Hunk Hogan'
  Manuel with David 'Want that one' Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by monkey12, jewishbagel,
  homosexualpuffbrian, retardsaregay and blicks.
  Top Tippery by the magic of the interwebs. You
  should get one, you know. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser 'Lesbian' Lewry.
  Mike 'Billy' Trinder does the QOTW, which we
  thank him for using our flippers. Happy
  Birthday to Rob, Happy Birthday to Rob, Happy
  Birthy Ginger Fuhrer, Sieg Heil Dear Rob.
  ACHTUNG! Oi, B4ta! Where's my presents! (Big
  number that's not an old phone number, err,
  thirty three, actually.)
  
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  TOP TIP:

  "Forget having to google for tips every Friday
  afternoon. Open a QOTW on B3ta and get
  internet monkeys to find them for you."
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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