NEWSLETTER: "THE BEST B3TA NEWSLETTER SO FAR THIS YEAR"
This Week:
* GAME - Death to sheeps!
* PHOTOS - B3ta reader infected tonsil pics
* DINNER - Cheese and Pineapple smoothie. YUM
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 260 - 12 Jan 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue260/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Loads of stuff - well done you lot!
>> Sheep death <<
"I made this", boasts Davebloke, "It's a flash
version of one of the old Warcraft 3 mods, Tower
Defence." Bloody hell, this is fun, blowing up
farm animals and small boys is what we were
born to do.
http://novelconcepts.co.uk/FlashElementTD/
>> Cheese and Pineapple Smoothie <<
Continuing our long-running theme of
disgusting food, Sickpuppy writes, "With
Christmas fast approaching I thought I'd
create the ultimate non-alcoholic drink. It
combines the greatest party food with the
consistency that would put egg-nog to shame. I
proudly present - A cheese and pineapple
smoothie." As you can see, we forgot to
include this link before Xmas, but it's still
great, so we've shoving it in anyway.
http://www.fatuous.co.uk/2006/12/06/nectar-of-the-...
>> Printing BIG posters <<
"How do's!" barks Steff Luczyn, "You may
remember me from such javascript games as
FingerFandango and PaddlePower (the Pong-type
effort) and I've been toiling away creating a
handy little website for those of us that are
too stingy to buy proper posters for our
walls." Great stuff, certainly useful to those
who don't already have this function built-into
their printer driver.
http://www.blockposters.com
>> Most disgusting photos ever? <<
"I recently had my tonsils out," gargles Phil
Hiett,"and being the sick little puppy I am, I
took loads of photos and made them into a
Photo Diary - tonsil style." Grim. Fascinating
maybe, but deeply grim.
http://phil.hiett.googlepages.com/
>> Make and do - B3ta style <<
"I've designed a paper model necromancer to
brighten up windowsills and monitor tops,"
sniffles Monstrinho do Biscoito, "I'd be
really happy if this went in the newsletter so
I can share the joys of necromancy with the
world and maybe show off my t-shirt designs
too." Yay, and if any of our members fancy
making one of these and send us a few
(amusing) photos, we'll run them next week.
http://www.nogunarmy.com/necromancer.htm
>> Stephen Hawking sings <<
"You may remember me from the the singing Tom
Baker site," reminisces Andy B, "I've also got
hold of the speech software that Stephen
Hawking uses and I got another singing site
on the go." We recommend 'Baby, it's cold
outside'. It made us giggle, it did.
http://www.thedoctorsays.co.uk/thedoctorsings
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Failed
Last week we asked for things you'd failed at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/failed/
* WHAT IS THE SPANISH FOR BELM?
"In my Spanish oral exam, I had to persuade
the examiner that she should take her
mentally-disabled son on an activity
holiday, because it would be stimulating,
blah blah. I didn't actually know the proper
Spanish term for 'mentally disabled'. So I
tried to mime it instead. Using that
internationally recognised symbol for
mongitude, the 'MNNNNNNNNNNNG' face. I got
an F." (no way hose)
* SOMETHING WONDERFUL
"Sitting on my bed, feeling unwell, wrapped
in a towel having just showered. That
squirmy, gassy feeling hit me and I just
knew I was going to do a spectacular fart. I
informed my girlfriend, sitting next to me,
that something wonderful was about to
happen. Unfortunately, I'd failed to
correctly judge the subtle signs in my
bowelary movements. And promptly shat
myself. There really is no smell like lumpy
diarrhoea wrapped in a soggy towel." (The
Figurative Pineapple)
* MEGA LOG
"As part of my GCSE Physics course we were
divided up into groups of 3 or 4, given a
stack of A4 paper, and told to build a
bridge that would support the heaviest
weight. The other students researched types
of historical bridges, and read about
tension and support etc. We just did what
anybody would have done with an exciting
stack of A4 paper: made paper aeroplanes and
stupid origami figures. Then we had to make
a bridge. I was leader, and my great idea
would be to make the biggest, heaviest log
of rolled-up paper imaginable using
absolutely no scientific knowledge. We made
this giant railway sleeper of a bridge, like
something a Scotsman would throw in a field.
Then we decorated it with slogans like
"SUPER BRIDGE" and "MEGA LOG". The other
kids in my class had made these intricate
models of historical bridges. Arches,
suspension bridges. Rich kids. Their parents
were probably architects. Anyway, we tested
each bridge in turn and our team ended up
being the winner. No other bridge came
close. So... where's the Failure bit you may
ask? The girl that I fancied at the time,
Louise, had made one of the most intricate
bridges. After the test was complete the
teacher said something like "you can get rid
of the bridges now". In hindsight I think he
meant put them to the side of the class, but
I had won and felt quite headstrong, and
wanted to show off to Louise and the rest of
the class. I picked up MEGA LOG and brought
it crashing down on her intricate suspension
bridge, smashing it to papery pieces. We
were disqualified, and I was given a 2000
word essay on Ghandi and non-violence to
write before the next science lesson."
(borovan)
>> This Week's Question <<
What do you collect? Do you have it all
labelled, packaged up and recorded in a
database? For the love of god, why? Talk to us
here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mycollection/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Exploring tunnels <<
We've linked to urban exploration sites
before, but this collection of photos of a
hydroelectric power-plant BEHIND Niagara Falls
made us very excited in an extreme-beard kind
of way.
http://www.28dayslater.co.uk/forums/showthread.php...
>> Wiki perverts <<
"Hello my B3tan Overlords", salutes Beest, "I
don't know if you've been following the
current rumpus on the Wikipedia about fair use
vs public domain images. It's not very
interesting, but some Wikinazis are deleting
images unless they're completely public
domain, and replacing them with ones they've
made themselves. Admirable perhaps, if you
give a shit about this sort of thing.
However, I think this bloke's gone too far
with his self-made contribution to the male
genitalia image collection." Definitely,
definitely NSFW, but raised quite a few
giggles in B3ta Towers.
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:Contribu...
>> Tree Goats <<
Some goats like climbing trees. Don't believe
us? Check the photos.
http://blog.moment.ee/2007/01/viljad-on-valminud-t...
>> Aquarium Madness <<
You know those tubes that some people fit around
their houses to give their hamsters a freer range?
This chappy is doing it with fish. And why not?
http://knuttz.net/hosted_pages/Home-Aquarium-20061...
>> Messed-up cats <<
Some kittens are born with two faces. You've
probably seen the pictures emailed around the
web already. But here's a handy compendium of
them, all in one page. Very useful.
http://www.messybeast.com/freak-face.htm
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
YouTube has won the internet, hasn't it?
>> Dick Van Dyke <<
British readers are only really aware of
Dyke's dreadful 'cockney' accent on the
feel-good-mawkfest Mary Poppins. However,
we're pleased to learn that was more to this
mans career than his inability to pronounce
'chimney'. The lad could dance, and oh could
he dance. Here he's been set to Herbie
Hancock's The Rockitt. Personally we'd have
used some Jamiroquai, a reference that should
be clearer when you watch the clip. Great
stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dick_Van_Dyke_dancing_se...
>> Duck engine <<
Bloke sticks duck quacker on car engine and
presses the accelerator. Funny noises ensue.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Blowoff_valve_fun
>> Jaws, as made by kids <<
Cribbing the author's write up, "The year is
1978. A team of 12 year olds have decided to
make a Super8 film of their own based on Jaws.
And wait till you get a hold of the shark we
built, it sank after the first scene and
you'll only see the fin after that." Charming,
stuff and hangs together remarkable well.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/SHARK
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Mummy, that's not a real prawn is it?
* MILF - UK TV watchers currently know that
the best MILF (Mum I'd Like to Fuck) around at
the moment is Cleo Rocos on Celebrity Big
Brother. Looks like she's going to get some
competition from the Moro Liberation Front, a
"Muslim separatist rebel group located in
Southern Philippines."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moro_Liberation_Front
* ANUS CRAP BOOKING - no, that's Anu
Scrap-booking of course. Please don't vandalise
their guest book, there's a good b3ta reader,
cheers.
http://www.freewebs.com/anuscrapbooking/
* WEDDING - "I saw this in last Friday's East
Anglian Daily Times", confesses Chris, "A
marriage made in heaven?"
http://www.b3tards.com/u/e8566f214b68cfa702b1/wedd...
* ROGER D KIDD - "Wotcha legends", barks
The_Greyhound, "just getting in touch because
I have a follow up to your follow up on
'NOMINATIVE DETERMINISM'. My deputy
head-teacher at secondary school was one such
instance of nominative determinism. His name?
Roger D Kidd. He taught at Raines Foundation
in Bethnal green in the 90's. Even if it isn't
a perfect example of ND it is bloody funny. I
didn't know about the other meaning of 'to
roger' until I took a letter home to my old man
and he wet himself."
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Real-life Cartoons Challenge
Last week we wanted to see cartoon characters
in real life situations.
Your favourites included:
* A&E - who'd be a doctor at the casualty
department for cartoon injuries? (spacehog)
* PENNY CRAYON - with a string of ASBOs and a
penchant for criminal damage (urbane legend)
* CARTMAN - put our fat friend on the grassy
knoll. Yep, that's exactly what he'd say
(mofaha)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/real_cartoons/
>> New challenge: Join The Army <<
Let's face it, it's not the most promising
career in this time of terrorism, insurgency
and war. So how do we get army recruitment
levels on the rise again?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/join_the_army/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TA SICK JOKE BOOK SELLS LOTS OF COPIES -
reader Grrbabs works for Waterstones and tells
us, "We sold craploads of the joke book in my
bookshop including a father buying it for his
nine year old son. My store sold 130 copies,
and I'm sure this is company confidential
information, but checking the computers,
nationally Waterstones have sold 13,249
copies."
We're also selling abroad apparently, Jani
Kyllonen, writes, "Today I was in Akateeminen
Kirjakauppa (The Academic Bookstore), which
might just be the most highly regarded
bookstore in all of Finland. For some reason I
decided to check the shelf with humour in
English and there it was - the Sick Jokes
book! I am now 10 Euros poorer." Yay, we're as
happy as a pig eating his own shit.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190554828...
* JOEL / COKE COPYRIGHT THING - There's been
some pretty fuck-off major developments behind
the scenes on this. We're sworn to secrecy
until the lawyers sort it all out, but we hope
to bring you some good news soon.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MAKE POSTIE HATE YOUR MATES - Steven Morgan
writes, "1. Go to a site like
freestuffjunction and find as many free
promotions as you can. 2. Sign up for the
promotion ensuring to tick any boxes that
ensure the receiver gets 3rd party mails etc.
3. Put the correct address but change the name
to something like "The Postman is a cunt", "My
favourite rape? Mrs Postie!" or "I've shat on
the postman's daughter". Most of these
systems are automated and the mail will get
through and more will continue to get through
as the further marketing subsequently arrives.
Hopefully, your 'friend' will 'lose' their
mail forevermore!"
* GLOBAL WARMING QUERY - kkealy enquires, "I
have a question about Global Warming. If you
take a glass full of ice cubes, fill it to the
tippy-top with water, and then wait for the
ice to melt, the water level will fall (go
ahead, try it). This is because water expands
when it freezes (hence the burst pipes in your
attic). So - if the global warming thing
happens, and the polar ice-caps melt, given
that 90% of the North Pole is, in fact,
UNDERwater, won't the sea level /fall/ instead
of rise....?"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
EinsteinShrugged, Hamster of Truth,
Whythebigpaws?, alcattell, alloydog rb_miller
and frankwied. Top Tippery by Zaphod's Wombat.
Nobody reads this bit so we'll stick a secret
message in. "Rat's cocks. Six inches long."
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta
loves you, even the slow ones at the back. (-8)
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TOP TIP:
If you are repairing something which will need
to take a lot of pressure (e.g. a rucksack or
leather shoe) use dental floss. It threads
onto a needle easily and is virtually
unbreakable. You can also make it black with
an indelible marker if you need to.
