NEWSLETTER: "THE BEST OF NUTS"
This Week:
* GAME - Shoot Jonti in the face
* VIDEO - Time-lapse thingie
* QUIZ - Something about eating feet skin
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 270 - 30 Mar 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue270/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Nokia N800
"This is the 21st century, and although there
aren’t any renegade robot cops with laser
guided rocket arms patrolling the street, you
can have the internet, in your pocket, and take
it with you... anywhere, we’re not lying
either!"
http://snipurl.com/internetinyourpocket
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Moons, Time-lapse and Filth
>> Moon war <<
Jonti has taken time off from his 5 years of
animating mumbling eggs to produce a game. It's
one of those Tank War thingies, but his moment
of inspiration is to play about with 'little
prince' style gravity. Neat, if you like that
sort of thing.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/Moon+War/
>> Time-lapse shenanigans <<
Sheep writes - "Your Star in Next Week's
Newsletter time-lapse thing (and putting the
clocks forward) inspired me to come up with
this." Woo, this is smart, and we don't
normally tell you that kind of thing, but 40 of
you clicked "I like this" when Sheep posted
this on our links board.
http://one.revver.com/watch/217182
>> Are you a filthy bastard? <<
Last week your Ginger Fuhrer coded up a quiz
that was doing the rounds on email / myspace
etc. This week, he's re-written it in using
pure b3ta-style filth. BTW: All the 'crimes'
come from stuff his mates have confessed
actually doing. We suspect his mates are very
stinky.
http://www.robmanuel.com/areyouafilthybastard/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHO YOU GONNA TRUST?
Sponsored link
"You into Greek or Sushi? Gorillaz or the The
Monkies? Like Kate Moss or think Noel Fielding
should be Minister for Culture? Tell us. Create
your profile, give us a few details about
yourself and then start clicking. If you think
we can do better please drop us a line."
http://trustedplaces.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Personal Hygiene
We wanted to know how skanky you are, and now
regret asking. DO NOT read these during lunch:
http://b3ta.com/questions/personalhygiene/
* DIRTY DUVET
"My friend had a mysterious moving duvet.
Every day she when she left her squalid but
sunny squat, her duvet was on her bed but
every night she got home it had moved half
way across the floor. All rational
explanations for this were ruled out. The
duvet's origins were unknown. Nobody knew
who'd bought it or how long it had been there
- it was unremarkable apart from its rambling
nature and some curious staining. Digging
deeper, they found something which nearly 20
years later still makes my stomach flip. The
duvet in question was an enormous breeding
ground for bugs. The bugs used to follow the
sun around the room and their numbers were
enough to physically move the duvet around.
The poor individual who used to sleep with
this fetid blanket of bugs was later to
remark that no other duvet would ever be the
same: the bugs' predilection for warmth meant
that the duvet used to hug her back."
(prideofthecoombe)
* FESTIVAL TOILETS
"Everyone knows the state that festival
toilets are in by the end of the weekend and
really this one was no different to the
rest... except for the fact that upon opening
the door I discovered a mound of shit so high
it had escaped the chemical bit at the bottom
of the toilet, and formed a peak reaching a
good foot above the level of the seat. How
did someone manage that?!? Not only that, but
someone had put a Bakewell Tart on the top of
the mound." (Sonic Spoon)
* JIM
"I sit next to a man called Jim at work. He
is obese. He has a ponytail of long, greasy
hair. Apart from him being a lazy tosser who
spends most of his time on forums, he stinks.
I mean he really fucking stinks. He has worn
the same shirt and rousers to work for 12
months now. Every day. It's gone, you know,
'bobbly'. I shudder to think of his
undergarments. A week or so ago I put a blob
of lipgloss on the back of his chair. He sat
down and said blob was transferred. A week
ago. It's still there. He smells like
underpants after a particularly hot and
sweaty day. He smells like fetid, old,
bottom-of-basket, don't-skimp-on-Persil
laundry. Our manager is too embarrassed to
confront him. I have applied for a new job.
So has Jim. At the same company. I am
seriously considering pulling my application
as the year-long smell which permeates my
nostrils has started to affect my home life
and what I eat. This man is ruining my life.
I have spent one working year inhaling his
crusty, sweaty balls. Please God someone help
me!!" (Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide Sam)
>> This Week's Question <<
What were your childhood ambitions? Have they
come true? Have they bollocks. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/childhoodambitions/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Dalek Chocolate Cake <<
Always happy to see geeks expressing their love
for sci-fi through the medium of chocolate. But
it's the slightly drippy lop-sided rubbishness
of this creation that brings joy to our hearts.
BTW: We're looking forward to the new series of
Doctor Who starting this Sat. Overseas readers
should use the filesharing app of their choice.
Or ask the bloke who fixes the printer in your
office.
http://www.chocablog.com/recipes/dalek-chocolate-c...
>> Who wants to be a millionaire lawsuit? <<
Needlessly sensationalist headline aside,
here's an interesting little story: a
multi-player telephone-based gambling game
complete with 'ask the audience', '50/50' and
'phone a friend'. It just goes to show there's
nothing new under the sun.
http://snipurl.com/ancientphonegamevid
>> World's first under-sea restaurant <<
If we could afford to eat out at fancier places
than Mario's Cafe in Kentish Town, then we'd
certainly be taking all our readers to dine at
a gourmet undersea eatery. Although it's
probably non-smoking.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ithaa
>> Challenging wank material #54 <<
If you can think of it, then someone has a
fetish for it. Thanks to Lyndalm for sending in
this 'veiny lady'. Definitely NSFW.
http://www.veinywoman.com
>> Face morpher thingie <<
There's been a lot of web thingies that do
exactly this - but none with such great
photography.
http://www.mono-1.com/monoface/main.html
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Otters holding hands
An item promoted up from Video Schmideo - who
can't fall in love with two otters holding
hands? So sweet that dentists warn against it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
If you're not sick of YouTube links
>> Kermit goes Emo <<
Remember Johnny Cash covering Nine Inch Nails'
Hurt? It was one of the best songs / videos of
ooh the last 10 years. Now it's Kermit The
Frog's turn to tackle the same track. A
meta-cover version or something. Anyways, it
manages to be both funny and retain the moving
qualities of Cash's (sort of) original.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Adam Buxton Corner <<
Fucking heck - we appear to be linking to Adam
a lot these days, we're glad his career is
looking up, apparently he's got a new show on
the BBC. We mention it because YOU mention it.
A lot. Eg. this mail from michaelgeorgecraig,
"Your request for the kids' singalong version
of KRS-One's 'Sound of Da Police' reminded me
of this thing from a new BBC3 show with Adam
Buxton in it." Whilst others accused us of
being 'plagiarising bastards.' Ho-hum. Great
little video tho.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Rule molecules
Continuing our uselessness of using this bit of
the newsletter as a catch-all for cock stuff as
well as stupid names, d.ohare has written in
with this amusing penis / vag and actually
fucking molecules. BTW: The official B3ta wife
has just clocked the link and said, "What on
earth are you looking at? AIDS-infected
broccoli?"
http://snipurl.com/chemofucking
-------------------------------------------------
: OCCASIONAL COOKING SECTION
What B3ta people have been eating (eek)
We always love it when our B3tarded brethren
get in the kitchen and cook up filth unfit for
human consumption. It makes our daily diet of
pasta and cheese appear sensible.
* TONGUE - Joel has been boiling cow tongue. It
made him vomit. We asked him to film himself
vomiting, but sadly he was too ill to use the
camera. BTW: Congrats to Veitch and Mrs Veitch
on the birth of their new son, apparently named
'The Zookotron'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_s_The_Beef_1_Tongue
* TRIPE - Whereas Fraser (our chap who runs
the image challenges) has been mucking about
with sheepy stomach lining. Equally inedible.
Huzzah. No big surprises on the food front this
week.
http://www.blogjam.com/2007/03/08/tripe/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Movie Combos Challenge
Last week we wanted asked you to combine
two movies and show us the visuals.
Your favourites included:
* TOYRAISER - Woody doesn't look quite so
innocent with a head full of nails (Brian
O'Blivion)
* THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK TO THE FUTURE -
Michael J Fox in a battle to the bloody last
with the Darth Vader (wibblywobbly)
* DR STRANGELOVE ACTUALLY - Thankfully not
featuring Hugh bleedin' Grant (The Great
Architect)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/movie_combos/
>> New challenge: Kids' Anti-drug Posters <<
Pretend you are eight years old. Pretend B3ta
is the art teacher who's just asked you to
produce an anti-drugs poster for kids your own
age. Produce that poster.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/anti-drugs/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* LILLY ALLEN - rocket.potato asks, "Are you
ashamed at the fact that you once promoted Lily
Allen via your newsletter?" Um, yes. We blame
the publishers of our Sick Joke book - we were
lurking in their offices and they were raving
about her and we got caught up in it. LESSON:
Never leave B3ta HQ.
* MORE MELTY COIN NONSENSE - via Robert
Alderson who informs us, "The energy cost
usually makes this uneconomical but farmers in
India often get very cheap or free electricity
(especially near election times!) and so they
can and do make a living from melting down
coins." Blimey. No idea if this is true, but
blimey nonetheless.
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Five Minutes to kill yourself
Looks like this is to promote some TV station,
but sod it, the premise is great and the
execution top-notch. Worth five mins of your
time.
http://www.adultswim.com/games/fiveMinutes/index.h...
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WIKI-TAKEAWAY - we can never find the menu to
our local pizza place and we've seriously
considered setting-up a 1 page site, just so
that we have their details to hand when we
needed them. Wouldn't it be great if everyone
did this? A wiki-style site with all the menus
of the world on them? How useful would that be?
* THE TOP TEN SITE - noticed how half the
stories on Digg are "Top Ten Hot Geek Ladies"
or "Top Ten Mentalist Case-mods"? Make a
user-generated site that allows individuals to
post items, and others to rate them into
charts. Instant top-tens in a box, collect the
ad revenue and retire.
* WIKIPEDIA SEX GAME - jv writes, "Let's play
the wikipedia game! Start by clicking 'Random
Article' and see how many pages it takes before
you come across something pornographic or
sex-related by only clicking links to other
articles." We managed a score of three with
'Acne - Cosmetics - Cosmetic Surgery - Vagina.'
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by collapsibletank,
fse357, elusive and wandring_soul. Top Tippery
by jeligula. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Woot to b4ta. (brackets). Newsletter
subject-line suggestion from cumquat may.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
In humid environments, place several grains of
uncooked white rice into your salt cellar. The
rice will absorb the moisture first, leaving
your salt fully-granulated instead of stuck
together in an annoyingly unshakeable lump.
