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NEWSLETTER: "THE BEST OF NUTS"

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This Week:
* GAME - Shoot Jonti in the face
* VIDEO - Time-lapse thingie
* QUIZ - Something about eating feet skin

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 270 - 30 Mar 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue270/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Nokia N800

  "This is the 21st century, and although there
  aren’t any renegade robot cops with laser
  guided rocket arms patrolling the street, you
  can have the internet, in your pocket, and take
  it with you... anywhere, we’re not lying
  either!"
http://snipurl.com/internetinyourpocket


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Moons, Time-lapse and Filth

  >> Moon war <<
  Jonti has taken time off from his 5 years of
  animating mumbling eggs to produce a game. It's
  one of those Tank War thingies, but his moment
  of inspiration is to play about with 'little
  prince' style gravity. Neat, if you like that
  sort of thing.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/Moon+War/


  >> Time-lapse shenanigans <<
  Sheep writes - "Your Star in Next Week's
  Newsletter time-lapse thing (and putting the
  clocks forward) inspired me to come up with
  this." Woo, this is smart, and we don't
  normally tell you that kind of thing, but 40 of
  you clicked "I like this" when Sheep posted
  this on our links board.
http://one.revver.com/watch/217182


  >> Are you a filthy bastard? <<
  Last week your Ginger Fuhrer coded up a quiz
  that was doing the rounds on email / myspace
  etc. This week, he's re-written it in using
  pure b3ta-style filth. BTW: All the 'crimes'
  come from stuff his mates have confessed
  actually doing. We suspect his mates are very
  stinky.
http://www.robmanuel.com/areyouafilthybastard/


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: WHO YOU GONNA TRUST?
  Sponsored link  

  "You into Greek or Sushi? Gorillaz or the The
  Monkies? Like Kate Moss or think Noel Fielding
  should be Minister for Culture? Tell us. Create
  your profile, give us a few details about
  yourself and then start clicking. If you think
  we can do better please drop us a line."
http://trustedplaces.com/b3ta


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Personal Hygiene

  We wanted to know how skanky you are, and now
  regret asking. DO NOT read these during lunch:
http://b3ta.com/questions/personalhygiene/


  * DIRTY DUVET
    "My friend had a mysterious moving duvet.
    Every day she when she left her squalid but
    sunny squat, her duvet was on her bed but
    every night she got home it had moved half
    way across the floor. All rational
    explanations for this were ruled out. The
    duvet's origins were unknown. Nobody knew
    who'd bought it or how long it had been there
    - it was unremarkable apart from its rambling
    nature and some curious staining. Digging
    deeper, they found something which nearly 20
    years later still makes my stomach flip. The
    duvet in question was an enormous breeding
    ground for bugs. The bugs used to follow the
    sun around the room and their numbers were
    enough to physically move the duvet around.
    The poor individual who used to sleep with
    this fetid blanket of bugs was later to
    remark that no other duvet would ever be the
    same: the bugs' predilection for warmth meant
    that the duvet used to hug her back."
    (prideofthecoombe)
    
   * FESTIVAL TOILETS
    "Everyone knows the state that festival
    toilets are in by the end of the weekend and
    really this one was no different to the
    rest... except for the fact that upon opening
    the door I discovered a mound of shit so high
    it had escaped the chemical bit at the bottom
    of the toilet, and formed a peak reaching a
    good foot above the level of the seat. How
    did someone manage that?!? Not only that, but
    someone had put a Bakewell Tart on the top of
    the mound." (Sonic Spoon) 
    
  * JIM
    "I sit next to a man called Jim at work. He
    is obese. He has a ponytail of long, greasy
    hair. Apart from him being a lazy tosser who
    spends most of his time on forums, he stinks.
    I mean he really fucking stinks. He has worn
    the same shirt and rousers to work for 12
    months now. Every day. It's gone, you know,
    'bobbly'. I shudder to think of his
    undergarments. A week or so ago I put a blob
    of lipgloss on the back of his chair. He sat
    down and said blob was transferred. A week
    ago. It's still there. He smells like
    underpants after a particularly hot and
    sweaty day. He smells like fetid, old,
    bottom-of-basket, don't-skimp-on-Persil
    laundry. Our manager is too embarrassed to
    confront him. I have applied for a new job.
    So has Jim. At the same company. I am
    seriously considering pulling my application
    as the year-long smell which permeates my
    nostrils has started to affect my home life
    and what I eat. This man is ruining my life.
    I have spent one working year inhaling his
    crusty, sweaty balls. Please God someone help
    me!!" (Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide Sam)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  What were your childhood ambitions? Have they
  come true? Have they bollocks. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/childhoodambitions/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Dalek Chocolate Cake <<
  Always happy to see geeks expressing their love
  for sci-fi through the medium of chocolate. But
  it's the slightly drippy lop-sided rubbishness
  of this creation that brings joy to our hearts.
  BTW: We're looking forward to the new series of
  Doctor Who starting this Sat. Overseas readers
  should use the filesharing app of their choice.
  Or ask the bloke who fixes the printer in your
  office.
http://www.chocablog.com/recipes/dalek-chocolate-cake/


  >> Who wants to be a millionaire lawsuit? <<
  Needlessly sensationalist headline aside,
  here's an interesting little story: a
  multi-player telephone-based gambling game
  complete with 'ask the audience', '50/50' and
  'phone a friend'. It just goes to show there's
  nothing new under the sun.
http://snipurl.com/ancientphonegamevid


  >> World's first under-sea restaurant <<
  If we could afford to eat out at fancier places
  than Mario's Cafe in Kentish Town, then we'd
  certainly be taking all our readers to dine at
  a gourmet undersea eatery. Although it's
  probably non-smoking.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ithaa


  >> Challenging wank material #54 <<
  If you can think of it, then someone has a
  fetish for it. Thanks to Lyndalm for sending in
  this 'veiny lady'. Definitely NSFW.
http://www.veinywoman.com


  >> Face morpher thingie <<
  There's been a lot of web thingies that do
  exactly this - but none with such great
  photography.
http://www.mono-1.com/monoface/main.html


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Otters holding hands

  An item promoted up from Video Schmideo - who
  can't fall in love with two otters holding
  hands? So sweet that dentists warn against it. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epUk3T2Kfno


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  If you're not sick of YouTube links

  >> Kermit goes Emo <<
  Remember Johnny Cash covering Nine Inch Nails'
  Hurt? It was one of the best songs / videos of
  ooh the last 10 years. Now it's Kermit The
  Frog's turn to tackle the same track. A
  meta-cover version or something. Anyways, it
  manages to be both funny and retain the moving
  qualities of Cash's (sort of) original.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLQRv0RjBBM


  >> Adam Buxton Corner <<
  Fucking heck - we appear to be linking to Adam
  a lot these days, we're glad his career is
  looking up, apparently he's got a new show on
  the BBC. We mention it because YOU mention it.
  A lot. Eg. this mail from michaelgeorgecraig,
  "Your request for the kids' singalong version
  of KRS-One's 'Sound of Da Police' reminded me
  of this thing from a new BBC3 show with Adam
  Buxton in it." Whilst others accused us of
  being 'plagiarising bastards.' Ho-hum. Great
  little video tho.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkYDxW30vS4


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Rule molecules
 
  Continuing our uselessness of using this bit of
  the newsletter as a catch-all for cock stuff as
  well as stupid names, d.ohare has written in
  with this amusing penis / vag and actually
  fucking molecules. BTW: The official B3ta wife
  has just clocked the link and said, "What on
  earth are you looking at? AIDS-infected
  broccoli?" 
http://snipurl.com/chemofucking


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: OCCASIONAL COOKING SECTION
  What B3ta people have been eating (eek)

  We always love it when our B3tarded brethren
  get in the kitchen and cook up filth unfit for
  human consumption. It makes our daily diet of
  pasta and cheese appear sensible.

  * TONGUE - Joel has been boiling cow tongue. It
  made him vomit. We asked him to film himself
  vomiting, but sadly he was too ill to use the
  camera. BTW: Congrats to Veitch and Mrs Veitch
  on the birth of their new son, apparently named
  'The Zookotron'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_s_The_Beef_1_Tongue


  * TRIPE - Whereas Fraser (our chap who runs
  the image challenges) has been mucking about
  with sheepy stomach lining. Equally inedible.
  Huzzah. No big surprises on the food front this
  week.
http://www.blogjam.com/2007/03/08/tripe/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Movie Combos Challenge

  Last week we wanted asked you to combine 
  two movies and show us the visuals.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TOYRAISER - Woody doesn't look quite so
  innocent with a head full of nails (Brian
  O'Blivion)

  * THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK TO THE FUTURE -
  Michael J Fox in a battle to the bloody last
  with the Darth Vader (wibblywobbly)

  * DR STRANGELOVE ACTUALLY - Thankfully not
  featuring Hugh bleedin' Grant (The Great
  Architect)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/movie_combos/


  >> New challenge: Kids' Anti-drug Posters <<
  Pretend you are eight years old. Pretend B3ta
  is the art teacher who's just asked you to
  produce an anti-drugs poster for kids your own
  age. Produce that poster.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/anti-drugs/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * LILLY ALLEN - rocket.potato asks, "Are you
  ashamed at the fact that you once promoted Lily
  Allen via your newsletter?" Um, yes. We blame
  the publishers of our Sick Joke book - we were
  lurking in their offices and they were raving
  about her and we got caught up in it. LESSON:
  Never leave B3ta HQ.


  * MORE MELTY COIN NONSENSE - via Robert
  Alderson who informs us, "The energy cost
  usually makes this uneconomical but farmers in
  India often get very cheap or free electricity
  (especially near election times!) and so they
  can and do make a living from melting down
  coins." Blimey. No idea if this is true, but
  blimey nonetheless.


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Five Minutes to kill yourself

  Looks like this is to promote some TV station,
  but sod it, the premise is great and the
  execution top-notch. Worth five mins of your
  time.
http://www.adultswim.com/games/fiveMinutes/index.html


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WIKI-TAKEAWAY - we can never find the menu to
  our local pizza place and we've seriously
  considered setting-up a 1 page site, just so
  that we have their details to hand when we
  needed them. Wouldn't it be great if everyone
  did this? A wiki-style site with all the menus
  of the world on them? How useful would that be?

  * THE TOP TEN SITE - noticed how half the
  stories on Digg are "Top Ten Hot Geek Ladies"
  or "Top Ten Mentalist Case-mods"? Make a
  user-generated site that allows individuals to
  post items, and others to rate them into
  charts. Instant top-tens in a box, collect the
  ad revenue and retire.

  * WIKIPEDIA SEX GAME - jv writes, "Let's play
  the wikipedia game! Start by clicking 'Random
  Article' and see how many pages it takes before
  you come across something pornographic or
  sex-related by only clicking links to other
  articles." We managed a score of three with
  'Acne - Cosmetics - Cosmetic Surgery - Vagina.'

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by collapsibletank,
  fse357, elusive and wandring_soul. Top Tippery
  by jeligula. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Woot to b4ta. (brackets). Newsletter
  subject-line suggestion from cumquat may.

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  TOP TIP:

  In humid environments, place several grains of
  uncooked white rice into your salt cellar.  The
  rice will absorb the moisture first, leaving
  your salt fully-granulated instead of stuck
  together in an annoyingly unshakeable lump.

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