we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "IF SHE TELLS YOU HER AGE AND USES A FRACTION. SHE'S TOO YOUNG."

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* HITLER - He's back and he's dancing
* TONY BLAIR - Milk obsessed pervert
* FAMOUSR - Who's more famous?

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 272 - 13 Apr 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue272/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  J20

  Join the world’s biggest rain dance for a
  chance to win your choice of 500 tracks from
  hot festival bands.
http://snipurl.com/j20rainfest_b3ta
 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Hitler, Blair, Jamie Oliver and A Giant Slingshot

  >> Disco Hitler <<
  Perhaps it's the late German Fuhrer's
  over-dramatic oratorical mannerisms that make
  baldnobby's Gloria Gaynor mix work oh-so well.
  There's something just so camp about Nazis.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Disco_Hitler


  >> Tony Blair - a life <<
  "Continuing my series of 'Tom Conti
  Presents...'," booms the stentorian ccc.
  "Ladies & gentlemen, I give you - Tony Blair."
  Deeply, oddly breast-fixated biography of the
  UK PM.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tony_Blair_a_life


  >> "Jamie Oliver spikes kids' food" <<
  This documentary footage shows you just what
  what he's been up to. Eh, okay, it's all some
  rejigged stuff from his TV show along with
  some nicely mashed-up ads from Rusty
  Shackleford. The Toploader backing track is a
  nice detail for the discerning Jamie Oliver
  hater.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Junt_co_uk_TV_part_2


  >> Giant slingshot fun! <<
  "We had a nearly-dead CRT monitor, a giant
  slingshot, and some ripe fruit," begins Tom
  Scott. "The ensuing plan didn't take too much
  imagination to come up with." What's amazing
  is the state the monitor is in by the end. Try
  doing that with one of your fancy schmancy
  LCDs...
http://www.thomasscott.net/slingshot/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Flat mates from Hell 2

  Last week we wanted more of your flat mates
  from hell stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/housematesfromhell/

  * WHERE NEXT WITH THE POO?
    Mike had a habit I discovered after a night
    of heavy drinking. I woke up, went to the
    toilet and found a turd sitting right by the
    loo. The dirty bastard had missed the toilet
    with the biggest dump I'd ever seen, but
    seeing as he was a good friend and had been
    very drunk I let it slide. Then I went into
    the kitchen to find a poo on the table. But,
    when Mike gets up he is very apologetic and
    cleans up very thoroughly. "Ah, he's not so
    bad," I say to myself as I get a Pringle.
    Wait. These Pringles feel oddly soft. And
    squishy. And- "Oh my God!! You shat in the
    Pringles tube you utter fuck!!" I withdrew
    my hand which was now covered in poo and ran
    to the toilet where I threw up twice and
    then showered for an hour. Sadly the pooing
    didn't stop there, and in the oddest places,
    including the couch, the top of the
    television, under the welcome mat, at the
    foot of my bed, and, most bizarrely of all,
    in the oven. Eventually I kicked him out,
    but scarily am still very good friends with
    him." (Paedosmile)
     
  * GREMLINS
    "My friend's housemate had a taste for Class
    A's. They go out leaving him on his own,
    returning to find the house trashed,
    everything everywhere. They find him in his
    room sat curled up in front of his cupboard
    which is all taped up. Asked if he is OK, he
    replies that he was feeling real down so he
    took a load of drugs and trashed the place.
    Then he went for a walk and the gremlins
    wouldn't leave him alone. My mates were
    like, "Look, there are no gremlins....". He
    was prepared for this and replied, "I knew
    you wouldn't believe me so I caught one and
    locked it in the cupboard" They opened the
    cupboard and out popped a little Down's
    Syndrome child." (Jetpac)
     
  * PHOTO ENTRY
    Sometimes, no more explanation is needed...
    "You Must Be This Tall To Ride The Garbage
    Truck":
http://snipurl.com/thishigh

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Alexxx asks "How far have you gone to get
  someone to sleep with you? - a mate spent the
  best part of a thousand pounds ruining a
  colleague's day so he could comfort her
  afterwards, only to have her boyfriend propose
  to her." So, how far have you gone?
http://b3ta.com/questions/pleasesleepwithme/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Random ytmnd generator <<
  Regular readers will know about YTMND, a site
  where users upload pics and music for
  hopefully amusing juxtaposition. So what would
  happen if the visuals and audio was
  randomised? Click to find out.
http://random.ytmnd.com/random.html


  >> Hamster-powered paper shredder <<
  When the apocalypse comes and electricity
  turns to dust how are office workers going to
  shred their paper? Thankfully, Art has the
  answer. BTW: Does anybody fancy building a
  vibrator powered by wasps?
http://www.tomballhatchet.com/hamstershredder.html


  >> Goatse advertising <<
  The exponential memetic rise of goatse
  continues with this fantastic billboard
  advertisement for some job listings website.
  Props to the creative team that managed to
  push this idea through.
http://snipurl.com/goatsead


  >> Heroes <<
  Probably old news to many of our readers, but
  the best thing on TV at the moment is Heroes.
  A US drama fantasy production following the
  intertwining lives of people blessed with
  super powers. We've all 18 (so far) episodes
  via the magic of torrents, but it's coming to
  BBC Two in June 2007. Linky goes to a rather
  fantastic wiki site that details all the
  strange theories that fans have postulated.
  Not something you should read before watching
  the show, as it's spoiler-city.
http://heroeswiki.com/

  
  >> Briefly amusing graffiti <<
  Vandalism might suck when it's teenage kids
  kicking down your back-garden fence to get
  their ball back, but when it's actually funny
  then we're happy to have double standards.
  *shakes fist at pesky next-door kids*
http://snipurl.com/maybe_you_will_laugh


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Cat takes bus

  "I am sure you have seen this, being that you
  live in England and all," mews Zonga, "and are
  on the pulse of all things AWWW, but if you
  haven't, you must." Yep, this 'kitten takes
  public transport' story was all over the UK
  papers a few days ago, but maybe some of our
  readers in Korea might have missed it. (Hope
  it doesn't make them feel hungry.)
http://snipurl.com/1fvy2


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  The usual U2ube bollocks

  >> USB shoe <<
  Fancy footwear that just plugs into your
  computer and moves according to your commands.
  Sounds like a winner to us - anything to keep
  ahead in the knife-edge world of high-stakes
  DDR we operate in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvooRBgt21w


 >> Lunatic anti theft device  <<
 Admittedly, it's maddening to have some
 smacktard nick off with your motor. But we've
 all accidentally forgotten to turn off the
 alarm at some point. Imagine how much worse it
 would be if this little number slipped your
 mind before you pulled out of your driveway?
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=2265


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Two way fun-bumming action

  * MANGINA - when drunk your Ginger Fuhrer has
  been known to claim to have invented the word
  'mangina' and also 'hobosexual', but we know
  the truth: mangina is out there:
http://www.iwu.edu/~iwunews/sports/mangina.html


  * NIGGER BROWN - CabbageHunter writes, "You've
  probably been sent this 1,464,435 times
  already, but it made me smile like a happy
  badger." Indeed. When B3ta starts its own
  range of paints we'll be offering colours such
  as, "Chinky yellow", "dead baby green" and, to
  prove we're not racist, "cracker white."
http://snipurl.com/niggerbrown


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Advertising Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to produce ads
  that told the truth.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * VISTA - A searing indictment of Microsoft's
  latest operating system, etc (NobbyNobody)

  * PC vs MAC  - The advert Apple don't want you
  to see (Doctor Frinkelstein)

  * UM BONGO - They drink it bloody everywhere,
  it would seem (St3cks)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/truth_in_advertising/


  >> New challenge: Self Help Books For Kids <<
  It's not easy being a kid these days -
  invariably your parents are fighting, drunk,
  absent, or in prison. So let's design some
  books to help our children cope with whatever
  life throws at them. Challenge suggested by
  TimChuma.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/self-help/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SUBJECT LINE COMPLAINTS - Dandymon moans,
  "I'm a teacher and have your newsletter rss on
  my google homepage. Ouch with the 'our inner
  paedophile fucking your inner kids' popping up
  in the middle of class, 6inches high on the
  projector." Sorry Dandymoon, but recently
  we've been selecting the titles from a
  competition on the board. Here's this week's
  one.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7084108


  * FUCK OFF DALEK CAKES - a member of the
  'Dalek Cakes at Flickr' group has got in touch
  to point out there's a whole cooking scene
  going on. Oh you crazy kids.
http://www.flickr.com/groups/dalekcakes/pool/


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Who's more famous?

  Fraser of Kittenwar sends us this message on
  his rivals, "Like Kittenwar, but for
  celebrity. The streaks and scores are a really
  nice addition." Kept us entertained for the
  proverbial five minutes anyway.
http://www.famousr.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WIN THE LOTTERY - Popidge writes, "A
  foolproof way to win the Lottery, and make a
  profit? There are 13,983,816 possible
  combinations of numbers for The National
  Lottery Lotto game. Well, why don't we exploit
  it? Wait until there is a fucking huge
  rollover, of about £13-14million, then
  everyone on b3ta pitches in a few quid or
  more, and we buy every single combination of
  numbers. Guaranteed, our contributions will
  drive the prize fund up no end, so we'd end up
  making a mint, which could then be shared out!
  Absolutely no possible flaws.. right?" Wait,
  so we buy 13 million tickets, which cost a
  pound each, in order to guarantee that we'll
  win a prize of £13million? Hmm.

  * HOW TO GET DRUNK FOR LESS THAN £5 - visit
  your local booze shop with a calculator and
  work out what's the most alcohol you can buy
  for a fiver. Make lots of graphs. Fall over.

  * NEW SAUSAGES - why should they only be made
  of meat? Mince up eggs and stick them in a
  plastic sock. Might work.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  purple_gromit, VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, celtic,
  spaceman_rich and Grampa Top Tippery by Ginger
  Uhura Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Champagne to b4ta, real pain to our enemies.
  Waxdart is the man to blame for the subjectline.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:

  Avoid people sitting next to you on the train.
  maintain eye contact, smile and pat the seat
  next to you.

next issue »
« previous issue