NEWSLETTER: "TEH TIMES LITTERARRY SUPPLEMENT"
This Week:
* HORSES - Date them online
* SONG - Use my arsehole as a cunt
* STUFF - Yes, newsletter features stuff shock
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Shave the cheerleader,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| save the web"
B3ta email 274 - 27 April 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue274/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Don't Panic/Playstation poster competition!
Entries will be put to vote, with top 30
exhibited at the Manchester International
Festival. The winning poster selected from the
top 30 by Peter Saville will be published
across the world in 120k Don't Panic packs.
http://www.dontpaniconline.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We like speaking to marketing people, you give
us the horn.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Crisps, Hun and Strangling
>> Crisp-maker review <<
In olden times your Ginger Fuhrer once
attempted to make crisps by slicing a potato and
placing it in a microwave for ten minutes. It
produced acrid grey smoke that almost blinded
him. How odd that a similar product is in the
shops and B3tard Ashen is there to review it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crisp_Maker_Review
>> Veitch rocks out <<
Joel barks, "For God knows how many years, I
have been wanting to get a German rock band
going. My dream has finally become a reality.
Laydeez and Gentlemen, I present Tygörz, with
their debut number, Supercool Winkytool."
Possibly most notable for Joel's full chest
tattoo...
http://www.tygorz.com/supercool-winkytool/
>> Throttling cartoons <<
"There is no sight finer than a man throttling
another man, except for maybe an ape throttling
a man, or a woman throttling her child," claims
DNG. Although his collection looks more like
the work of a strangulation pervert than comic
book geek.
http://www.throttling.us
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
We have to talk
Last week we wanted to hear about the dreaded
conversations that start "we have to talk".
We're still wondering about poor 'tero' who
posted a live, blow by blow account of his
being dumped last weekend:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wehavetotalk/
* IT'S GOOD FOR THE HAIR
"I bumped into the subject of this in Tesco's
last night by the spuds and we can actually
speak to each other now - how adult we are.
I'd been seeing this guy, Andy, for some
time, but in the meantime one of my mates had
fixed me up with this long-haired guy with a
cute ass (just my type!) so I had to do the
old We Have To Talk conversation with poor
old Andy. So we met up, me feeling really
sorry for the guy and also terribly guilty,
bought the drinks and we had the inevitable
conversation. Andy says "NJ, can we please go
outside? I need some fresh air". Methinks the
guy's going to cry so I do the decent thing
and follow him into the pub garden... where
the B*stard pours his full pint of Murphys
over my head! That's right, the pint I just
crapping well bought for him! I swung for
him, but sadly missed, while he went running
off down the street laughing at me. I'm doing
it over the telephone next time." (NJ)
* MAN TALK FOR MANLY MEN
"My Dad and I never really had the father-son
talks. When I first started having sex, and
my mother decided that we should have 'the
talk' it went something like this: Dad:
Son... MrTeapot: Dad, I know what your going
to say. Can we pretend like we've already
discussed this? Dad: Works for me." (MrTeapot)
* HONEY, I NEED TO TALK, BUT HAVE NO BALLS
"I am sorry but I have had enough. I have
heard everything you will ever have to say
and I am bored to fucking tears by the same
old drivel you spout every single time I see
you. I find you irritating, boring, stuck up,
joyless, wimpy, unadventurous, repetitive,
possessive, unimaginative and crap in bed. I
would like to say, 'let's stay friends,' but
it would be a complete lie, I couldn't even
tolerate your faults when we were sleeping
together. Have a nice life. Please never call
me again. Minty." ** Now can someone please
e-mail this to her? I'm too scared ** (Minty
Hit)
>> This Week's Question <<
B3tard 'Sammi Evil Nice' provides this week's
query, "What have you done to teach somebody a
lesson?":
http://b3ta.com/questions/thattaughtem/
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Lovely, lovely t-shirts
Get James Blunt's look with a Dirty Sanchez T
Shirt. Maybe like James you'll attract Petra
Nemcova and Paris Hilton! Get 10% off yours
with discount code 'alpha'. Ends May 5.
http://www.discoo.co.uk/mainpage_men.php
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Dating agency for horses <<
Deagostini once sang, "I love horses, best of
all the animals." and if you really love your
horse you might want to fix them up with a stud.
http://www.stallions4mares.co.uk
>> Taxidermy: Squirrel in a car <<
Looking for a dead animal to liven up your
squalid boudoir? This novelty tree-rat in a
radio-controlled dune buggy is apparently in
"perfect working order" although that's
probably more referring to the car than its
furry occupant.
http://snipurl.com/ebay_squirrel_taxi
>> Google New York to Paris <<
We're finally giving in and running these
excellent Google Maps directions from NY to the
capital of France. You may find Point 24 of
particular interest. It's funny, but the real
reason we stuck it in? So that people will stop
sending it to us. There. We did it - are you
happy now?
http://snipurl.com/googlemaps_cliche
>> The Right Number <<
The word 'webcomic' usually makes us reach for
our revolver, but this is an excellent story by
the legendary Scott McCloud. A man believes he
has found the secret equation underlying the
dating scene.
http://www.scottmccloud.com/comics2/trn/
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Sea cow
"Helloes," helloes Carmen, "Something sweet for
the Things that make you go Aaaah section;
manatee mother and child. Never thought sea
cows could be so darn cute."
http://www.floridasprings.org/anatomy/life/assets/...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Sub-headlines are for nonces
>> Use my arsehole as a cunt <<
Lovely, lovely song, linked here in respect to
the fantastic chorus, "Go on then, just this
once, use my arsehole as a cunt." Some bloke
sitting next to us has just proclaimed it as
"the best thing I've seen this week."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Wanking walrus <<
If you listen closely, you can hear the zoo
lady saying, "He is a male walrus." Frankly, we
had figured that much out for ourselves. We
couldn't quite tell which end we were looking
at, but he's definitely male.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Freaky jeans ad <<
Pulled from TV about ten years ago, this Calvin
Klein ad campaign where an offscreen adult
questions a series of pretty young boys and
girls is more disturbing than titillating. They
were presumably going for a sleazy atmosphere
but were waaaay too successful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Turtle shags wok <<
Some sort of ad here, aimed at the potentially
massive market represented by people who love
both Asian cuisine and the taste of turtle
spunk. Yum.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Cat spanking <<
More proof, as if any were needed, that cats
are dirty little pervs. This one appears to
have picked up a taste for light S&M and mews
for it repeatedly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Gaylord the toy dog <<
Like a 1950s version of Aibo, he walks, he
climbs, he, er, walks again. But more
importantly, they named him Gaylord. Heh.
Genius.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Ha-ha-halarious as brain throat cancer
* DOGGY STYLE GROOMING - "A uni-pet salon in
Harlow. Would you really trust these people
with your pets?" (Plastic Goldfish)
http://www.doggiestylegrooming.co.uk
* EMO OIL - "Saw one of these trucks on the A40
this morning", laments john_speakman, "and it
made me feel sad."
http://www.emooil.com/
* PHIL McAVEETY - you might have to say this
out loud to be amused. Phil has "both agency
and client-side experience", and we stick this
in quotes to imply an innuendo that isn't
actually there. (KEEF)
http://snipurl.com/say_it_out_loud
-------------------------------------------------
: VANDALISM SPOT
Road signs
Terry Nutkins confesses -
"I spent years driving to work, stuck in
traffic jams and this road sign sits opposite me
every morning at a junction outside my office.
I've always thought how easy it would be to
turn the word 'GOAT' into the word 'CUNT'"
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/181/469627727_6e633...
Have you graffitied something in an amusing way
recently? Snappy snap with your camera and get
clucking to the B3tards.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: INJOKES FOR B3TARDS
We're not going to explain this stuff
* GLASS COCK - Mistress Sp@m notes, "I thought
you might like this picture of a stained glass
door at the vic and commercial pub in Leeds."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/yosammitysam/46819941...
* B3TA DIBBLE - "I saw this police car at
Liverpool Street station earlier," snorts
Peacocke, "Thought you might like it."
http://www.b3tards.com/u/805e6eca91f4d2a9e4a3/b3ta...
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 9/11 Conspiracies Challenge
Last week we wanted the most far-fetched,
crackpot theories about what really happened on
9/11.
Your favourites included:
* STAR WARS - We can only assume the 9/11
prequels will be rubbish. (Surgeon with
Parkinsons)
* B3TA - It was all our fault apparently.
(rocketship)
* GUY GOMA - What happens when you let the BBC
hire your staff. (P3te)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/conspiracies/
>> New challenge: Action Figure History <<
You can buy an action figure of just about
anyone these days, but how many really deserve
it? We want to see figures from history that
should be immortalised as an action figure.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/actiofigures/
-------------------------------------------------
: THAT RAGE VIRUS BOLLOCKS IN FULL
Graffiti promoting a new film included a URL
that the ad agency forgot to register. Or had
they? We linked it last week, and reader Mark
Laughlin got in touch and gave us the real
story.
"It was me that registered it and, yes, that
really was a complete balls-up on the part of
the ad agency.
"I saw the stencils last Friday just off
Tottenham Court Road whilst on me lunch. Got
back and tried the URL - and good lord it was
unregistered. So 8 quid later and 20 minutes of
pissing about I've got a site up and running
and started my game of 'wait and see'.
"They spent the earlier part of this week
getting narky with me and generally panicking
before offering to buy the domain for the same
price I bought it for... After the word spread
across the internets on Friday they got rather
more desperate and way keener to settle it
quickly.
"I could have been a brat and held out for a
lot more, but I elected to take the quick win
before inevitably Fox and the bigger guns got
involved.
"I'm not telling how much they wound up having
to pay me. It's almost certainly less than you
think. Let's say - enough for a nice holiday or
a shiny new telly (and considerably more than
the £8.99 I paid for it)
"PS. Ad agency in question was "The Creative
Partnership'"
So there you have it. Unless, you know, he's a
marketing agency plant.
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CUTE BEARS - We asked why it is that bears,
most fearsome of carnivores, should be made
into soft toys. Todd the Groincrusher knows;
"It's because Theodore 'Teddy' Roosevelt
enjoyed bear-hunting but refused to shoot the
baby ones. Sensing an opportunity, toy-makers
began making cuddly bear cubs and selling them
as 'Teddy's bears'." To be honest, we did know
that but felt this would be a great chance to
slip in some sort of topical Ted Heath joke. Ah
yes.
* THE 911 IMAGE CHALLENGE "is a disgrace. Will
not be visiting this site anymore," says a
more-disappointed-than-angry coo_apv. Aww.
* BOOZE INDEX NOT DEFINITIVE - This is because
the original study failed to take into account
the rate of alcohol absorption (ie. how
efficiently it can get you pissed). Best
concentration? Between 10% and 30%.
"concentrations higher than 30% tend to
irritate the mucous membranes of the
gastrointestinal tract and the pyloric
sphincter, causing increased secretion of
mucous and delayed gastric emptying,"
elaborates sittingduck. So remember to take
some tonic water or orange juice with you when
you're swigging vodka outside Camden Tube.
* SLO-MO CUMSHOTS! "I found another you-tube
rip-off," trills Vaginal Discharge. "As opposed
to a social network of people making videos and
share hobbies and interests. xtube.com is a
social network of people recording themselves
jacking off and posting online for others to
watch and comment on. Needless to say there
were guys who uploaded videos of themselves
with 100000fps cams recording their moneyshots
and complimenting each other on a 'Job well
done'."
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Guess my age
Continuing the techniques of hotornot,
rapemykitten and famousr, we've been enjoying
this 'guess the age' game. Being clever sods,
we're very good at it.
http://www.guessmyage.net/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BIG GRAFFITI - weefolk mentions, "If anyone's
around Whipsnade Zoo way, it looks very much as
though someone's 'edited' the giant white lion
on the hillside to include, er, a giant white
lion cock that can be seen for miles around."
Cab anyone get a photo, or maybe do better?
Maybe add some spunk to Cerne Abbas Giant?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerne_Abbas_Giant
* A HANDBAAAAAAAAAAAAG REMIX - SickRik
requests, "somebody with talent has to make a
dance version of this, but not me because I'm
shit."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_HANBAAAAAAAAGGGG
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by CQ (x2!), hahn,
slippydisco, gt2k1uk, mrtinybrain, startup,
kim, daytripper and Ben Goldacre Top Tippery by
phix. Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta
- first post was 'bigs dog cock' of course. Mad
props to ludovic for the heroes reference and
saying, "I believe you will save the web, one
day... thanks for the way you look at web and
life." Anyway, we've got AIDS, please paypal us
some money. Subject line by etc, see others here:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7134202
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
When you're roasting chicken drumsticks, cut all
the way through the tendons around the skinny
end of the bone. The meat shrinks down to the
other end, giving you a sort of meaty lollipop.
Yum.
