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NEWSLETTER: "TEH TIMES LITTERARRY SUPPLEMENT"

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This Week:
* HORSES - Date them online
* SONG - Use my arsehole as a cunt
* STUFF - Yes, newsletter features stuff shock

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  "Shave the cheerleader,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|          save the web"

B3ta email 274 - 27 April 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue274/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Unsub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Don't Panic/Playstation poster competition!

  Entries will be put to vote, with top 30
  exhibited at the Manchester International
  Festival. The winning poster selected from the
  top 30 by Peter Saville will be published
  across the world in 120k Don't Panic packs. 
http://www.dontpaniconline.com


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  We like speaking to marketing people, you give
  us the horn.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Crisps, Hun and Strangling

  >> Crisp-maker review <<
  In olden times your Ginger Fuhrer once
  attempted to make crisps by slicing a potato and
  placing it in a microwave for ten minutes. It
  produced acrid grey smoke that almost blinded
  him. How odd that a similar product is in the
  shops and B3tard Ashen is there to review it. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crisp_Maker_Review


  >> Veitch rocks out <<
  Joel barks, "For God knows how many years, I
  have been wanting to get a German rock band
  going. My dream has finally become a reality.
  Laydeez and Gentlemen, I present Tygörz, with
  their debut number, Supercool Winkytool."
  Possibly most notable for Joel's full chest
  tattoo...
http://www.tygorz.com/supercool-winkytool/


  >> Throttling cartoons <<
  "There is no sight finer than a man throttling
  another man, except for maybe an ape throttling
  a man, or a woman throttling her child," claims
  DNG. Although his collection looks more like
  the work of a strangulation pervert than comic
  book geek.
http://www.throttling.us


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  We have to talk

  Last week we wanted to hear about the dreaded
  conversations that start "we have to talk".
  We're still wondering about poor 'tero' who
  posted a live, blow by blow account of his
  being dumped last weekend:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wehavetotalk/

  * IT'S GOOD FOR THE HAIR
    "I bumped into the subject of this in Tesco's
    last night by the spuds and we can actually
    speak to each other now - how adult we are.
    I'd been seeing this guy, Andy, for some
    time, but in the meantime one of my mates had
    fixed me up with this long-haired guy with a
    cute ass (just my type!) so I had to do the
    old We Have To Talk conversation with poor
    old Andy. So we met up, me feeling really
    sorry for the guy and also terribly guilty,
    bought the drinks and we had the inevitable
    conversation. Andy says "NJ, can we please go
    outside? I need some fresh air". Methinks the
    guy's going to cry so I do the decent thing
    and follow him into the pub garden... where
    the B*stard pours his full pint of Murphys
    over my head! That's right, the pint I just
    crapping well bought for him! I swung for
    him, but sadly missed, while he went running
    off down the street laughing at me. I'm doing
    it over the telephone next time." (NJ)
     
  * MAN TALK FOR MANLY MEN
    "My Dad and I never really had the father-son
    talks. When I first started having sex, and
    my mother decided that we should have 'the
    talk' it went something like this: Dad:
    Son... MrTeapot: Dad, I know what your going
    to say. Can we pretend like we've already
    discussed this? Dad: Works for me." (MrTeapot)
     
  * HONEY, I NEED TO TALK, BUT HAVE NO BALLS
    "I am sorry but I have had enough. I have
    heard everything you will ever have to say
    and I am bored to fucking tears by the same
    old drivel you spout every single time I see
    you. I find you irritating, boring, stuck up,
    joyless, wimpy, unadventurous, repetitive,
    possessive, unimaginative and crap in bed. I
    would like to say, 'let's stay friends,' but
    it would be a complete lie, I couldn't even
    tolerate your faults when we were sleeping
    together. Have a nice life. Please never call
    me again. Minty." ** Now can someone please
    e-mail this to her? I'm too scared ** (Minty
    Hit)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  B3tard 'Sammi Evil Nice' provides this week's
  query, "What have you done to teach somebody a
  lesson?":
http://b3ta.com/questions/thattaughtem/


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: SPONSORED LINK
  Lovely, lovely t-shirts

  Get James Blunt's look with a Dirty Sanchez T
  Shirt. Maybe like James you'll attract Petra
  Nemcova and Paris Hilton! Get 10% off yours
  with discount code 'alpha'. Ends May 5.
http://www.discoo.co.uk/mainpage_men.php


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Dating agency for horses <<
  Deagostini once sang, "I love horses, best of
  all the animals." and if you really love your
  horse you might want to fix them up with a stud.
http://www.stallions4mares.co.uk


  >> Taxidermy: Squirrel in a car <<
  Looking for a dead animal to liven up your
  squalid boudoir? This novelty tree-rat in a
  radio-controlled dune buggy is apparently in
  "perfect working order" although that's
  probably more referring to the car than its
  furry occupant.
http://snipurl.com/ebay_squirrel_taxi


  >> Google New York to Paris <<
  We're finally giving in and running these
  excellent Google Maps directions from NY to the
  capital of France. You may find Point 24 of
  particular interest. It's funny, but the real
  reason we stuck it in? So that people will stop
  sending it to us. There. We did it - are you
  happy now?
http://snipurl.com/googlemaps_cliche


  >> The Right Number <<
  The word 'webcomic' usually makes us reach for
  our revolver, but this is an excellent story by
  the legendary Scott McCloud. A man believes he
  has found the secret equation underlying the
  dating scene.
http://www.scottmccloud.com/comics2/trn/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Sea cow 
  
  "Helloes," helloes Carmen, "Something sweet for
  the Things that make you go Aaaah section;
  manatee mother and child. Never thought sea
  cows could be so darn cute."
http://www.floridasprings.org/anatomy/life/assets/foto_life_main.jpg


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Sub-headlines are for nonces

  >> Use my arsehole as a cunt <<
  Lovely, lovely song, linked here in respect to
  the fantastic chorus, "Go on then, just this
  once, use my arsehole as a cunt." Some bloke
  sitting next to us has just proclaimed it as
  "the best thing I've seen this week."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFKBorVwi0I


  >> Wanking walrus <<
  If you listen closely, you can hear the zoo
  lady saying, "He is a male walrus." Frankly, we
  had figured that much out for ourselves. We
  couldn't quite tell which end we were looking
  at, but he's definitely male.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfNWmQiYb5I


  >> Freaky jeans ad <<
  Pulled from TV about ten years ago, this Calvin
  Klein ad campaign where an offscreen adult
  questions a series of pretty young boys and
  girls is more disturbing than titillating. They
  were presumably going for a sleazy atmosphere
  but were waaaay too successful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZVk21Pco-c


  >> Turtle shags wok <<
  Some sort of ad here, aimed at the potentially
  massive market represented by people who love
  both Asian cuisine and the taste of turtle
  spunk. Yum.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsqwpvqZVLA


  >> Cat spanking <<
  More proof, as if any were needed, that cats
  are dirty little pervs. This one appears to
  have picked up a taste for light S&M and mews
  for it repeatedly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkAM_31SU0U


  >> Gaylord the toy dog <<
  Like a 1950s version of Aibo, he walks, he
  climbs, he, er, walks again. But more
  importantly, they named him Gaylord. Heh.
  Genius.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMuV4TAcjmo


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Ha-ha-halarious as brain throat cancer

  * DOGGY STYLE GROOMING - "A uni-pet salon in
  Harlow. Would you really trust these people
  with your pets?" (Plastic Goldfish)
http://www.doggiestylegrooming.co.uk


  * EMO OIL - "Saw one of these trucks on the A40
  this morning", laments john_speakman, "and it
  made me feel sad."
http://www.emooil.com/


  * PHIL McAVEETY - you might have to say this
  out loud to be amused. Phil has "both agency
  and client-side experience", and we stick this
  in quotes to imply an innuendo that isn't
  actually there. (KEEF)
http://snipurl.com/say_it_out_loud


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: VANDALISM SPOT 
  Road signs
   
  Terry Nutkins confesses -
  "I spent years driving to work, stuck in
  traffic jams and this road sign sits opposite me
  every morning at a junction outside my office. 
  I've always thought how easy it would be to
  turn the word 'GOAT' into the word 'CUNT'"
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/181/469627727_6e633babcb_b.jpg

  Have you graffitied something in an amusing way
  recently? Snappy snap with your camera and get
  clucking to the B3tards.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: INJOKES FOR B3TARDS
  We're not going to explain this stuff

  * GLASS COCK - Mistress Sp@m notes, "I thought
  you might like this picture of a stained glass
  door at the vic and commercial pub in Leeds."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/yosammitysam/468199417/

  * B3TA DIBBLE - "I saw this police car at
  Liverpool Street station earlier," snorts
  Peacocke, "Thought you might like it."
http://www.b3tards.com/u/805e6eca91f4d2a9e4a3/b3ta.jpg


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 9/11 Conspiracies Challenge

  Last week we wanted the most far-fetched,
  crackpot theories about what really happened on
  9/11.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * STAR WARS - We can only assume the 9/11
  prequels will be rubbish. (Surgeon with
  Parkinsons)

  * B3TA - It was all our fault apparently.
  (rocketship)

  * GUY GOMA - What happens when you let the BBC
  hire your staff. (P3te)

  All these images, and the highest as
  voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/conspiracies/


  >> New challenge: Action Figure History <<
  You can buy an action figure of just about
  anyone these days, but how many really deserve
  it? We want to see figures from history that
  should be immortalised as an action figure.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/actiofigures/


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: THAT RAGE VIRUS BOLLOCKS IN FULL 

  Graffiti promoting a new film included a URL
  that the ad agency forgot to register. Or had
  they? We linked it last week, and reader Mark
  Laughlin got in touch and gave us the real
  story.

  "It was me that registered it and, yes, that
  really was a complete balls-up on the part of
  the ad agency.

  "I saw the stencils last Friday just off
  Tottenham Court Road whilst on me lunch. Got
  back and tried the URL - and good lord it was
  unregistered. So 8 quid later and 20 minutes of
  pissing about I've got a site up and running
  and started my game of 'wait and see'.

  "They spent the earlier part of this week
  getting narky with me and generally panicking
  before offering to buy the domain for the same
  price I bought it for... After the word spread
  across the internets on Friday they got rather
  more desperate and way keener to settle it
  quickly.

  "I could have been a brat and held out for a
  lot more, but I elected to take the quick win
  before inevitably Fox and the bigger guns got
  involved.

  "I'm not telling how much they wound up having
  to pay me. It's almost certainly less than you
  think. Let's say - enough for a nice holiday or
  a shiny new telly (and considerably more than
  the £8.99 I paid for it)

  "PS. Ad agency in question was "The Creative
  Partnership'"

  So there you have it. Unless, you know, he's a
  marketing agency plant.

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CUTE BEARS - We asked why it is that bears,
  most fearsome of carnivores, should be made
  into soft toys. Todd the Groincrusher knows;
  "It's because Theodore 'Teddy' Roosevelt
  enjoyed bear-hunting but refused to shoot the
  baby ones. Sensing an opportunity, toy-makers
  began making cuddly bear cubs and selling them
  as 'Teddy's bears'." To be honest, we did know
  that  but felt this would be a great chance to
  slip in some sort of topical Ted Heath joke. Ah
  yes.
  
  
  * THE 911 IMAGE CHALLENGE "is a disgrace. Will
  not be visiting this site anymore," says a
  more-disappointed-than-angry coo_apv. Aww. 
  
  
  * BOOZE INDEX NOT DEFINITIVE - This is because
  the original study failed to take into account
  the rate of alcohol absorption (ie. how
  efficiently it can get you pissed). Best
  concentration? Between 10% and 30%.
  "concentrations higher than 30% tend to
  irritate the mucous membranes of the
  gastrointestinal tract and the pyloric
  sphincter, causing increased secretion of
  mucous and delayed gastric emptying,"
  elaborates sittingduck. So remember to take
  some tonic water or orange juice with you when
  you're swigging vodka outside Camden Tube.

  
  * SLO-MO CUMSHOTS! "I found another you-tube
  rip-off," trills Vaginal Discharge. "As opposed
  to a social network of people making videos and
  share hobbies and interests. xtube.com is a
  social network of people recording themselves
  jacking off and posting online for others to
  watch and comment on. Needless to say there
  were guys who uploaded videos of themselves
  with 100000fps cams recording their moneyshots
  and complimenting each other on a 'Job well
  done'."
  
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: FRIDAY GAME
  Guess my age

  Continuing the techniques of hotornot,
  rapemykitten and famousr, we've been enjoying
  this 'guess the age' game. Being clever sods,
  we're very good at it.
http://www.guessmyage.net/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BIG GRAFFITI - weefolk mentions, "If anyone's
  around Whipsnade Zoo way, it looks very much as
  though someone's 'edited' the giant white lion
  on the hillside to include, er, a giant white
  lion cock that can be seen for miles around."
  Cab anyone get a photo, or maybe do better?
  Maybe add some spunk to Cerne Abbas Giant?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerne_Abbas_Giant


  * A HANDBAAAAAAAAAAAAG REMIX - SickRik
  requests, "somebody with talent has to make a
  dance version of this, but not me because I'm
  shit."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_HANBAAAAAAAAGGGG


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by CQ (x2!), hahn,
  slippydisco, gt2k1uk, mrtinybrain, startup,
  kim, daytripper and Ben Goldacre Top Tippery by
  phix. Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta
  - first post was 'bigs dog cock' of course. Mad
  props to ludovic for the heroes reference and
  saying, "I believe you will save the web, one
  day... thanks for the way you look at web and
  life." Anyway, we've got AIDS, please paypal us
  some money. Subject line by etc, see others here:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7134202
  
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  TOP TIP:

  When you're roasting chicken drumsticks, cut all
  the way through the tendons around the skinny
  end of the bone. The meat shrinks down to the
  other end, giving you a sort of meaty lollipop.
  Yum.


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