NEWSLETTER: "INTERNATIONAL FACE AIDS DAY"
This Week:
* COMPO - Win a book! Yes, a whole fucking book!
* QUESTION - Best vandalism ever
* PHOTOS - Yummy! It's a cock breakfast
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "May the forth
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| be with you"
B3ta email 275 - 4 May 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Win a book, hangovers and pianos
>> Mr Biffo Booky Bollocks <<
Geeky 30-something UK readers will remember Mr
Biffo from his cult Digitiser column on
Teletext. Imagine our congealed surprise when
he got in touch to say, "My stupid book is
released today. Is there any chance of getting
a plug if I give you, oh I dunno, five signed
copies as competition prizes? I'll even draw a
knob in them, or whatever the winners request."
Right, so we're making him stick to exact
letter of his email and forcing Biffo to draw
the best five suggestions. Get to it kids,
what's the most ridiculous thing to can make
him draw?
http://www.robmanuel.com/2007/05/04/mr-biffo-compo...
>> Hangover cure <<
In the long history of B3ta's dreadful cooking
comes Mr. Fatuous with his hangover 'cure'. We're
linking it mainly as we like the photo of the
egg with four yolks.
http://www.fatuous.co.uk/2007/04/28/eggstreme-hang...
>> Bad piano player <<
Props to Black Moon for this short and amusing
gag. Dunno what else to write so here's three
facts about pianos pulled from our arse: 1.
Cats love walking on them, especially when
they're hungry, 2. ALL blind people are
brilliant at tuning them, and 3. Oh gawd, there
is no three. How about a joke pulled from
Sickipedia instead? A horse walks into a
bar and the barman asks 'Why the long face?' To
which the horse replies, 'I have AIDS'. Yes,
it's THAT type of newsletter this week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Breaking news: Weebl <<
MSN'd in with only minutes to spare before we
pull the golden send lever comes Jonti's
latest masterwork. Frankly we haven't got time
to write anything relevant, so here's some
quick facts from when Mr Picking shared a flat
with the Ginger Fuhrer. * He made such a mess
of the carpet we had to employ a professional
cleaner to shampoo it * His diet entirely
consisted of sweets & bacon and finally, * The
more he drunk, the more his voice turned into
Weebl. So there you go.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Parsley+Boobs+ep...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
That'll learn 'em
Last week we asked for your petty stories of
revenge and your attempts to teach people a
lesson:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thattaughtem/
* IT'S ONLY A MIDGET
"This is a secret shame I've harboured for
over 10 years. Only 4 people in the world
know this story - me, the then boyfriend, the
current boyfriend and the little person. I
was 16, in love. We were out in a club and he
was talking to his mates about music and
boring me rotten. I felt he wasn't paying me
enough attention and resolved to teach him a
lesson. When you're 16 and more used to
discos than bars, and tweeny relationships
rather than adult ones, you think that the
best way to get your man's attention is to
flirt with someone else. I bumped into a
little person. He was very little. About 3
and a half foot. Late 30s, wearing a little
leather biker jacket, ear-rings, a Guns and
Roses T-Shirt and some little biker boots.
Looking back, he was a bit sleazy but he
started to tell me how sad he was because he
was a little person who had never kissed
anyone as beautiful as me. I'm all
self-righteous about being ignored by
boyfriend so started kissing him. "What the
FUCK are you DOING?" screams my boyfriend. I
stand up, the little person stands up between
us. I drunkenly stammered, "this doesn't
count." "What the FUCK do you mean it doesn't
COUNT? You're KISSING ANOTHER MAN!" I
defensively slurred back at a ridiculously
high volume: "It doesn't count. IT'S ONLY A
FUCKING MIDGET!" Convinced this was a winning
argument, I repeatedly screamed this over and
over. If you're reading, little man, it's a
memory that will haunt me forever. I am
sorry. You were the best kiss I ever had."
(littlemissmischievous)
* FOREIGN TEACHERS HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE
"Having been fired from a selection of retail
jobs, I decided to try my hand at TEFL
teaching and went off to Greece. One class of
11 year olds contained pretty much every kind
of anti-social, sociopathic and behaviourally
disordered creatures you could imagine. They
saw their lessons with me as an opportunity
to take the piss and insult me in Greek. But
there was one fat little shit who thought it
hilarious to sing in a falsetto whine every
time I spoke. Even when I was screaming at
them, he would start his faux-operatics. I
asked the other teachers how they controlled
him and their advice was somewhat unexpected:
"Hit him. Hard. His parents are Cretan and
they beat him all the time - it's the only
thing he respects." Much against my
instincts, I started the next lesson with an
expectation of violence. Sure enough, during
a test, the rotund tosser started to play the
drums with some pencils, distracting the
others. So, approaching from behind, I swung
a hardback dictionary at the top of his head.
I was aiming to skim it off his crown as a
surprise, but he moved back at the critical
moment and I cracked him with a perfect golf
drive square on the back of the head. He
bounced off the book and hit the desk face
first with a resounding crack. He was quiet
for the rest of the lesson. Or rather, he lay
face down snuffling pitifully so as not to
show his snot and tear-streaked face."
(frankspencer)
* JUST BROWSING
"A mate got so tired of his then partner
dragging him around clothes shops to watch
her spending *entire afternoons* trying on
stuff she was never going to buy "just in
case she found something", that he decided to
get his own back. As they were walking past
their local Waterstone's, he asked if they
could "just pop in to see if there was
anything he wanted". He then went around
randomly picking books up, flicking through
them, moving on to another, going back to a
previous one. Within a few minutes, she was
hanging around on the ends of the aisles,
kicking her heels, sighing, asking how much
longer he'd be, was he going to buy anything
etc....i.e. all the things he got into
trouble for doing when she was doing her
"shopping". Yet she never made the
connection." (lolwhites)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your favourite graffiti. Talk to
us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/graffiti/
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: BONUS SPONSORED LINK
Vintage Summer Threads
"B3ta gave us 20 words. Get your KnightRider,
A-Team, Mr Men, Mumm-Ra, My Little Pony and
He-Man T-Shirts here. Or else."
http://www.TruffleShuffle.com
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Best tattoo ever? <<
We've got mixed feelings about tattoos at B3ta
HQ. Yes they look sexy on fit young things, but
Jesus they can ming a bit after a few years.
Only the other day we clocked some old codger
getting cash out in Kentish Town and noticed
'paddy' inked onto his knuckles. He caught our
glance and pushed his hand into his pocket in
mild shame. How rotten is that? To feel
embarrassed about your hands? Anyway, lucky he
doesn't have this charming daub on his shin.
http://modblog.bmezine.com/2007/04/29/best-tattoo-...
>> Maddox on stock photos <<
Maddox of Bestpageintheuniverse fame has got
off his fat-pirate-arse and finally added some
new content on his site that ISN'T pimping his
book: a rather amusing take on the crappy stock
photos that turn up again and again in online
media. BTW: For that matter, we've got a
collection called 'Hemera Photo Objects', and
hardly a day goes by where we don't spot one of
their images. Wow. We're really giving you the
exciting facts this week.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi
>> Tampon Taser Gun <<
Michelle writes, "I think your readers may like
this: The Tampon Taser Gun." Hmm, maybe they
will. And on the thought of sticking electric
shocks up your twat, does anyone remember that
site in the mid 90s claiming that taking two
speaker wires from your PC speakers, ramming
them up your anus, and playing tunes was the
route to sexual nirvana? You should try it
sometime. Maybe also setting up a site to
exchange the best midi files with fellow
electro-arsetibators?
http://www.americaninventorspot.com/security_syste...
>> Funny PA announcement at Asda <<
Goatsmilk gets in touch with this chortlesome
'get the PA to say something inappropriate'
audio. BTW: Our favourite from this genre was
when Chris Morris got Heathrow Airport to
announce 'Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum
DeBahzted', which translates as, 'My colleague
just farted, and left the room, the bastard.'
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Cock breakfast <<
"I thought you might enjoy this", writes
munki_lady, "I don't want beans with my tea
ever again." NSFW. (BTW was George Michael
attempting to define the NSFW rule when he sang
in his 80s hit I Want You Sex, "What's your
definition of dirty baby? What do you call
pornography?" Also whilst possibly downloading
gay ASCII porn on some Vic 20 version of
Gaydar. Er.. ASCII. I've got the key to your
ass?)
http://www.ipostnaked.com/user/contri/contri.php
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby hedgehogs
Considered a delicacy by Gypsies, we've done
hedgepiglets before, but never had we had such
a fine collection of photos. They're like
horse-chestnuts with the face of cabbage-patch
doll. Niceness all round really.
http://fishki.net/comment.php
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Youtubery pubery tomfoolery
>> Pretty time-lapse <<
This bandwidth raping 37mb video combines
motion controlled time-lapse and long exposures
to create something beautifully meaningless.
Great technique though, you should watch and
learn and apply to something with a narrative.
http://ollielarkin.co.uk/blog/2007/03/05/lapses-in...
>> Wanking kangaroo <<
Adam Lynch defecates, "After the recent wanking
walrus, here is a link to a wanking kangaroo."
Woo. BTW: Did we tell you our t-shirt idea? An
ideal gift for a friends kid you suspect of
being educationally sub-normal, a drawing of a
roo and the caption, "Baby Joey." Do you see?
Do you? You'd be able to mock your mates
child without them knowing, which is as good as
it gets really.
http://www.toxicjunction.com/get.asp
>> Sesame Street in da hood <<
Reworking kids TV is always good for a cheap
laugh, so off the top of our heads, "Henry's
Twat", "Teletardies" and er, "Weeman and the
masters of the Puneyverse." Props to Yank Meoff
for sending in the link, for it is his link,
and we've linked it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Geordie Tin Tin <<
And on a similar tip Joseph Barnes alerts us
with, "Wholesome children's fave Tintin has
been re-dubbed as a foul mouthed Geordie."
Pleasing, we found it, pleasing. Fucking hell,
is it time for the pub yet?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Like forking shit into our eyes
Himjim has sent in probably the bestest FNC
we've ever had: FaceAids. Apparently to make
people 'face up to AIDS' rather than people
with AIDS on their face. Anyway. We're so happy
that this thing exists that we're declaring
today INTERNATIONAL FACEAIDS DAY. Whatever that
means.
http://www.faceaids.org/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Action Figure Challenge
Last week we wanted to see figures from
history that most deserved an action figure.
Your favourites included:
* PRINCE HARRY - Guaranteed to be kept in
pristine condition.
(AdrianJ)
* DEAD EWOK - Probably the only Star Wars
character not to have a figure already.
(protocoldroid)
* MARIE CURIE - Irradiation comes as
standard (HappyToast)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/actiofigures/
>> New challenge: You're Having a Giraffe <<
We want you to take cockney rhyming slang
literally. A little too literally.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/giraffe/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* USE MY ARSEHOLE AS A CUNT - the singer (Kunt)
got in touch to say, "cheers for the shout on
our video in the last mail-out, we shifted a
stack of albums off the back of it. Our other
video 'fucksticks' is also up on youtube." BTW:
We've also put Mr Kunt in touch with Joel
Veitch on the hope they can play a gig together
with Seven Seconds of Love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* SQUIRREL TAXIDERMY - Domoko scribes, "I
thought I'd send in a photo of a squirrel that
I bought off the same bloke a few years back -
we even made a miniature Santa's hat for him to
wear at Christmas!" This is how serial killers
start.
http://www.b3tards.com/u/3cf15eb35b4829a4aa35/dsc0...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Well that's the theory, but our brains are
blankoid this week so here's some whitterings
about our manschlongs instead.
* SPRINGY PENIS DARTS - push pencils into your
trouser-clad cock and see how far you can fire
them.
* SOLO MEMBERS OF THE MILEHIGH CLUB - go on,
have a wank on a plane.
* FORESKIN E CHALLENGE - a mind game to play
with your drug munching friends. "Got the
pills?", "Yes. They're under my foreskin.
Don't worry, they're wrapped in cling-film."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel without
David Stevenson, as he's gone to Paris to get
have a wank off the Eiffel Tower, spooging into
the seine. Stuff sent in by you cunts. Yes you.
Top Tippery by skivesagain. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Yeah, yeah, and B4ta.
Coz we love them with both hands. Oh yeah,
actually Fraser is away so it's actually
Mystery Bob we should be proping.
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