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NEWSLETTER: "FIND MADDIE AND WIN AN IPOD NANO!"

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This Week:
* GOATSE - Boarder 'goatses' the BBC
* HAIR - Gayer hair
* TASTY TOSS - The cum challenge

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 280 - 08 Jun 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue280/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Discoo t-shirts of wooness

  "Gardeners Do It With Hoes" and "You Say
  Tomato, I say Fuck you....you  Fucking Fuck".
  T-Shirts to get you noticed by designer label
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http://www.discoo.co.uk/products_new_boy.php

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Goatse, Badgers & Tubes

  >> BBC Goatse <<
  In what some blogs are calling 'B3ta's finest
  hour', boarder Coast of Yemen managed to Goatse
  the BBC by uploading a stylised arse-pic for their
  compo to re-design the Olympic logo. You've
  probably already seen this, as it's been
  everywhere this week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qtTF8s67P4


  >> Badgers Vs Transformers <<
  Jonti has been getting excited about the
  forthcoming Transformers flick and has
  re-edited the trailer to include his personal
  obsessions. (It's all about 'the booooooooo
  bass sounds' apparently.) This is, presumably,
  not the last time you're going to be seeing
  Transformer-related gumph this year, we imagine
  there's workshops in Korea tooling up as we
  speak.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Big+Ass+Badgers/


  >> Tube anagram map <<
  John3ners has been amusing himself by playing
  anagram games with the London tube map. He
  apologises, "I know that anagram maps are very
  last year, but this took me ages, so I thought
  I'd post it anyway."
http://www.fatshite.com/LxSE_Dec_x05_anag.pdf


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Mistaken Identity

  Last week we asked if you'd been mistaken for
  someone else better looking or more famouserer:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mistakenidentity/

  * WHERE IS THIS CLUB? WE WANT TO GO
    "I was once at a foam party at a club in
    Leeds. As the foam got thicker I wandered
    drunkardly further into the depths to see
    if I could find a bar. As I stood gathering
    my surroundings and wondering where the hell
    I was, I felt a pair of hands pull my shorts
    down a little, shortly followed by swollen
    member being thrust into the mouth of a girl
    who really knew what she was doing. And so,
    that's where I remained for an undisclosed
    amount of time, after which she stood up
    looking rather pleased with her handy work.
    That is until she realised I wasn't her
    boyfriend who she'd been waiting for, and
    who had the same excellent taste in shorts
    as I did." (Furness)
     
  * DAD!
    "I can't walk past a cider-sodden tramp
    without shouting "DAD! Dad! It's me...don't
    you recognise me Dad?". Always guaranteed a
    response. Nine times out of ten I'm greeted
    with incomprehensible abuse, but it's that
    almost tear jerking one-in-ten "S...S...Son?"
    that makes it all worthwhile. Am I a bad
    person." (cowfoot)
     
  * POOR MACCA
    "I was in a pub in my home town, minding my
    own business when a random guy walked to my
    table and sat down. I looked at the guy who
    then said "I'm really sorry Macca, I've been
    meaning to give this back to you for ages"
    and thrusts an envelope in my hand. He then
    stood up, said "no hard feelings then mate"
    and left by the side door. Strange, I thought.
    On opening the envelope and finding a cash
    sum not unadjacent to 700 quid in used 20s
    I made my escape. I am not Macca. I don't
    know anyone called Macca. I haven't been in
    that pub since, he might want his money back!"
    (Captain Placid)

  And the winner is, tinypod's Dad, who looks
  just like Harold Shipman:
http://www.b3tards.com/u/13ba5a9712e92dc71241/dad.jpg


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your cute pet stories to cheer us up
  after the official QOTW masters cat died this
  week. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/petstories/

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: B3TA T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
  BBC Goatse

  Celebrating Coast of Yemen's great goatsing of
  the BBC moment, we've asked his permission to
  make a few t-shirts. Get them before this
  becomes about as relevant as crazy frog.
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Aussie ciggies - hardcore <<
  Australians don't mess around when it comes to
  fag packet warnings - here's a scary eye
  telling you tabs are bad. "Some have pictures
  of dead babies and dead lungs and stuff,"
  scribbles Oz b3tard Julian, "But they come in
  packs of 25 so there is an upside."
http://www.edge.myzen.co.uk/OzzyFagsF.jpg


  >> Cute kitty news <<
  Ingeniously combining news RSS feeds with
  random kittens here's a site that aspires to be
  both informative and cute. We guess the cats
  are supposed to look like they're reading the
  news - instead they seem disturbingly like the
  perpetrators of it.
http://lol.ianloic.com/


  >> Man likes cameraphone - and beans <<
  Strange collision of interests as phone nerd
  decides to photograph his spunky new phone next
  to his favourite foods. And, looking at it, who
  says the Italians know how to eat well?
http://www.alfonsomartone.itb.it/vwbdfj.html


  >> Cat-cam <<
  Ever wonder what your cat gets up to when he's
  out wandering the streets at night? This is
  just a great idea - a small camera that takes
  pictures on a timer attached to the collar. Mr
  Lee provides detailed instructions for people
  who might want to try this at home. PLEASE try
  this at home.
http://www.mr-lee-catcam.de/index.htm


  >> Self-kissing art <<
  Utilising some sort of unwholesome computer
  wizardry no doubt, here's a gallery of people
  kissing themselves. They're really going for it
  too, which is quite disturbing. Reminds us of
  twin porn.
http://pupsam.free.fr/diaporama.php?id=


  >> Inner-lip tattoos <<
  Ouch! Probably the most wince-inducing bit of
  body art we've seen in a long time. Who knew
  people would go to the bother of getting
  tattoos inside their mouths? On the plus side,
  you could really go to town and still not risk
  losing your job at the bank... 
http://modblog.bmezine.com/2005/08/25/sluts-and-nutters


  >> Wet Cats <<
  Nature's comedy gold - look how skinny and
  crazy they really are! Lol!
http://animal-pix.blogspot.com/2007/05/wet-cats.html


  >> Mains adaptor for fingers <<
  A device conceived purely to make it easier to
  stick your fingers in the electric, the Vilcus
  dactyloadaptor helps prevent expensive and
  dangerous short-circuits while you commit a
  grotesque and painful form of suicide. Ideal
  gift.
http://www.artlebedev.com/everything/vilcus/


  >> Toenail necklace <<
  From a distance it looks like pretty seashells
  but zoom in and this is quite clearly jewellery
  made from the discarded and blackened toenails
  of marathoner Jan Ryerse. Even more shockingly
  disgusting than it sounds.
http://snipr.com/toenail_neck_love


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Jumpy fox

  Is this a photo of a fox-cub, startled at the
  sight of a flower - or, as we suspect - a James
  Bond-like figure being lowered down on wires to
  steal diamonds?
http://www.arcticrefugeart.org/corral/cor_090_foxjump_550x374.JPG


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  User generated discontent

  >> High quality vids <<
  Spent a good day looking at videos on the Stage
  6 site - it's USP is that the clips look a damn
  site better than Youtube. Once you install
  their plug-in, the image quality is fantastic. 
http://stage6.divx.com/


  >> OAPS sing My Generation <<
  In a stunt presumably built around the lyric,
  "I hope I die before I get old", the Zimmers
  are a TV project to 'give a voice to the
  feelings of isolation and imprisonment suffered
  by the elderly'. BTW: Getting old people to
  sing songs is a great idea. Can we have Sir Ian
  McKellen singing Bronski Beat's Small-town Boy?
  Gravitas and pathos would be the keywords here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY


  >> Real-life Transformers <<
  When they make a play from the upcoming
  Transformers film we want to see these people
  in charge of the costumes. They really do
  change from robots to a pretty good facsimile
  of what the character was meant to look like -
  even the, frankly shitty, Decepticon fighter
  plane toys. Awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akNJ6S2UqsE


  >> Farts on show <<
  Supposedly the result of a scientist observing
  bottom-burps with a heat-sensitive camera,
  here's a series of athletic fart gags. We
  especially liked the computer-generated
  diagrams to illustrate the optimum path of
  escape from your own stink.
http://www.tgisfw.com/2007/06/detailed-analysis-offarts.html


  >> "Don't put it in your mouth" <<
  A classic bit of Canadian public service
  advertising, with a bunch of singing muppets
  telling kids, "Always ask someone you love
  before you put anything in your mouth." Good
  advice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyl5Mwr84MA


  >> US lip-sync fun <<
  Just a bunch of Americans mucking around and
  miming to Harvey Danger's 'Flagpole Sitta".
  Lovely.
http://www.vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=173714


  >> 70's-style Prodigy vid remix <<
  Man with a big moustache prancing about in the
  woods with dancers dressed as Indians - it's
  the best Prodigy video ever. Worth a look just
  for the lead singer, Danish disco great Tommy
  Seebach.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-COGNOY3Nic


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Gayer Hair

  Oh dear. If your name was Mr Gayer and you
  wanted to launch a range of follicle-care
  products, would you really call your company,
  "Gayer Hair." Oh you would? You think it would
  be a great way to get free promotion from
  dick-head websites like B3ta? Maybe you're
  right. BTW: The radio ad is worth a listen.
http://www.gayerhair.com/


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: TASTY TOSS
  The Cum Challenge

  Last week we mentioned food stuffs changing the
  flavour of man-spooge. We got sack-loads of
  mail (names removed to protect the guilty),
  including:

  * PIMMS NO 3 - "My boyfriend will kill me, but
  I know well that Pimms no. 3 (The winter one)
  with normal ginger beer as a mixer makes cum
  taste really nice. It's sort of sweet, but with
  a hint of spice."

  * PINEAPPLE - "When I moved to Brisbane a year
  ago the girls in the supermarket would keep
  giving me weird looks as I go through the
  checkout with loads of cans of pineapple, some
  fresh ones and pineapple juice. I've since
  found out that Queensland ladies think that
  blokes who eat lots of pineapple are gentlemanly
  because it makes their cum taste sweeter."

  * VANILLA COKE - "The missus reckons it made by
  boy-spluff taste of vanilla."


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Office Art Challenge

  Last week we wanted to make art using 
  software not meant for making art with.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SCARY STORY - Comfortable? Then we'll
    begin. Terrifying stuff from b3ta's 
    king of lateral thinking (Monkeon)

  * SHARK vs. HELICOPTER - A classic meme
    revisited using animated spreadsheet 
    magic (Sunshine Elephant)

  * EXCEL SUNSET - exactly like being on 
    a lovely beach holiday, but without 
    the sunburn, jet lag or violence 
    (dood)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/officeart/


  >> New challenge: Gingers <<
  Ginger people have been in the news 
  this week, hounded and humiliated for
  their crimson locks and freckled skin.
  But what if the tables were turned, and
  they were worshipped as Gods? Show us 
  life in Ginger World...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gingers/ 


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  RUTH BADGER - apparently a fan of Jonti's
  animation, and has entered here drawing of his
  creations for a Sun newspaper 'get celebs to
  draw for charity' thingie. 
http://images.thesun.co.uk/picture/0,,2007260019,00.jpg

  * PISS CHAT - "I'm a biology teacher",
  confesses Bambambambambam, "Normal folk have
  an enzyme that breaks down the coloured
  compound in beetroot (beta-cyanin) so eating
  beetroot won't turn your piss red. A small
  percentage of the population have a mutant gene
  for this enzyme that produces a non-functioning
  enzyme so the compound doesn't get broken down
  and accumulates in the urine, turning it red. 
  This is the reason that many distressed parents
  rush their children to A&E thinking their
  child's kidneys have popped. The same is true
  with asparagus. Most folks break down the
  aromatic compound that gives asparagus its
  smell.  Some unfortunate folk like me don't have
  the right enzyme for it and so if we eat
  asparagus, within an hour our piss smells like
  a shed full of rotting vegetables."


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Breakout VS Bejewelled

  Often enjoy the concept of gluing two games
  together to made a third. Surprisingly playable.
http://www.spellenservice.nl/spellen/1366-Fun%252520game.html


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * AIDS POOL - bet on the next famous person to
  announce that they are HIV+. Our money is on
  falsetto voiced haggis gardener, Jimmy
  Sommerville.

  * GINGERNIGGER.COM - write a script that takes
  a URL and replaces all the references to ginger
  with the word nigger. Vice versa. It would make
  a point. Of sorts.

  * MAISY - been watching this kids cartoon
  recently and can only conclude it tells the
  story of a lesbian social worker working with
  the mentally subnormal. Can someone re-voice it
  please?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by starcat09,
  Grubbymitts, hobnobgoblin, Rosgaard, Super
  piat, littlebrownweasel, danparker, cheeksgt
  and TechDiff Top Tippery by sutton_29
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Rape
  biscuits to b4ta. (Blackets) BTW: Mugatu wrote
  the subjectline and lots of people liked it, so
  don't blame us. 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7271970 

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 TOP TIP:
 If you suffer from heartburn in bed, sleep on
 your left-hand side. Your stomach acid cannot
 "overflow" as easily as the food pipe faces
 upwards in this position.

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