NEWSLETTER: "DOT COTTON'S DOTCOM COT CON"
This Week:
* SICKIPEDIA 2.0 - Ouch, nasty, nasty stuff
* CREATIONISM - Yay for image challenges
* QUESTION - Worse sex ever
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________ ____ __ ___
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're shaving our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| pubes... together"
B3ta email 281 - 15 Jun 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue281/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Just Not Cricket
Kevin Pietersen wallops fours, smashes sixes
and generally strikes fear into the hearts of
the cricketing world’s best bowlers. But did
you know, when it comes to golf, he can
effortlessly chip in from the bunker… while
still wearing his cricket clobber and using his
Woodworm bat?
http://tinyurl.com/25wwbx
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Skip this if you don't want to be offended
>> Sickipedia 2.0 <<
Readers may remember our Sickipedia project,
our attempt to get the world to fill a site
with foul jokes. You want to know the truth? A
wiki format wasn't the best technology for this
idea, as you could never find where the new
jokes lived on the site. Hence we've redone it
using currently in-vogue ideas like user-voting
and tagging. Currently on the front page is a
particularly bad-taste Maddie joke with over
200 votes. Please add your favourite jokes, and
remember to vote, vote, vote.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
>> Gingerism? <<
Recently the BBC ran a story asking whether
ginger abuse was like racism. We thought not,
and asked you to build an application which
switched the words ginger and nword on
websites. The idea was to make a point -
however the results are just mind-bogglingly
amusing and horribly offensive. Yes, if you
switch the words, the result is entirely
different, thus (maybe) proving that ginger
abuse cannot be equated with racism. Thanks to
Cr3 for having balls of steel enough to code
it. BTW: Type in your own URLs at the top to
create your own, linky goes to example.
http://n0m.com/cPvO
>> Shape song <<
And on a fluffier note, we haven't heard from
Koit for a while, but he's recently turned up
in our inbox singing about shapes. Sounds like
he's auditioning for a slot on educational kids
tv. Not bad at all.
http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/Shapes....
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Pet Stories
Last week we asked for your loveliest pet
stories to cheer us up. Follow the link to
learn all about the awesome Leonard the Cat:
http://b3ta.com/questions/petstories/
* GAY DOG
"One drunken evening at home sat on the sofa,
my girlfriend was pleasuring me with some
'oral relief'. After a few minutes, my dog
wandered up to us and calmly took a big long
lick of my shaft,and then walked off. Clearly
the moment was lost, and subsequently I felt
the need to shower. So, there you have it - I
was sexually assaulted my own dog. After
confiding in my friends with this story, they
consequently labelled me with the nickname
'Bonio'. Twats." (nappy rash)
* SPAAADDOINNNNNNNGG
"When I was a little sproglet, we had a
lovely lump of a Great Dane. Beautiful,
lovely, friendly, soft, gentle creature.
Unfortunately he had an inherited stomach
problem - things would fly through him: he
had an absolutely enormous appetite, and
would eat whatever he could find. Of the many
things he ate, it was when he managed to nick
the remains of a sunday roast that sticks in
my mind. Unfortunately, the bits of
elasticated string were still on the plate. A
day or so later, he was wandering around the
house with about 6 inches of the elastic
hanging out of his bumhole. My dad decided to
help out, and grabs the end to tug it out.
It's well wedged up the gut, so my dad pulls
hard. The end of the greasy elastic slips out
of his fingers, and the whole thing snaps
back at the hound's ringpiece. I have never,
ever, seen an animal move so fast or yelp so
loud. He didn't come back for hours, and
wouldn't go near my dad for weeks." (meepmeep)
* BLOWN AWAY
"My friend used to have a cat - when she told
people this, they'd say, 'Oh, did it die
then?' and she'd say, 'No, it blew away'. It
was out in the garden during the hurricane of
'87, and they saw it sail away over the
garden wall, never to be seen again. She
doesn't understand why other people find this
hilarious." (Pachey)
>> This Week's Question <<
What's the worst sex you've ever had?
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstsex/
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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
Smoke here? They've banned it
The Great Architect has provided us with this
lovely design that's either pro the smoking
ban, or against it. Whatever, it's now on a
shirt for you to love and hold until your last
chocking breath.
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Breast milk cheese <<
Step-by-step description of a lady's attempt to
make a paneer (cottage cheese) out of her own
frozen breast milk. Perhaps most strange is her
blithe assumption that most people regularly
feed their friends and family with recipes
including their breast juice.
http://www.indrani.net/index.php
>> Preposterously breasty game characters <<
"Over-generous with the breast slider" is the
standout phrase from a rundown of the
over-endowed characters in the new offering
from the Soul Caliber franchise. Indeed, most
of the female characters would suffer severely
uncomfortable bounce-action in any real bout of
melee. And is that sexy, we ask you? Huh?
http://snipr.com/phwor_nice_polygons
>> The "Annoy-o-Tron" <<
Utter evil in a small, easily-concealable
electronic form. Lets out an urgent-sounding
beep at random intervals, eventually breaking
your co-workers' sanity as they dismantle all
nearby electrical equipment in a desperate bid
to locate the cause of the 'alarm'.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/electronic/8c52/
>> Diving makes you look stupid <<
Yes, they're impressive athletic feats, pushing
the very limits of the human physique - but did
you have to pull such an idiotic face? Gallery
of grimacing athletes, vindicating our
childhood choice of skiving off games whenever
possible.
http://knuttz.net/hosted_pages/Diving-20070327
>> Ask McDonalds stupid questions <<
The beleaguered fast food giant has a site to
'engage with the public', answering their
questions and concerns. We enjoyed the endless
tide of moronic queries along the lines of "I
read in the paper that some burger contain poo.
Is this really true? If so, what proportion of
burgers contain poo?" You almost feel sorry for
them.
http://snipr.com/maccyds
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Squirrel in the snow
This adorably inquisitive squirrel appears to
be wearing furry gloves on both his feet and
hands. Aww, invite him in for a cup of hot
chocolate...
http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
and the sister section, Texty Schmexty
>> Guy love <<
It's a matter of opinion whether a show has
truly jumped the shark when it reaches the
inevitable musical episode. Anyway here JD and
Turk of Scrubs sing of their manly and
completely non-gay love for each other.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Whoa! Meth! ad <<
Anti-drugs commercial from the nineties done in
the style of a soft drink commercial. It makes
taking crystal meth seem so fun and wholesome -
we must try some.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Stephen Fry talks internet <<
Enjoyable, relaxed interview with the comedian
and broadcaster holding forth on his favourite
websites et al.
http://www.videojug.com/interview/stephen-fry-the-...
>> Singing cat <<
This unfortunate feline has a rare vocal chord
condition that makes him sound like he's
singing whenever he yawns. A lot of credits for
such a short clip, but the couple of seconds of
his inadvertent warbling are gold.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Pyromaniac fools <<
Bunch of blokes mucking about with petrol and a
bonfire - it doesn't take a genius to see what
happens next. Still it is both spectacular and
amusing - so much so that the cameraman would
rather stand there laughing uproariously than
go to check on his possibly stricken mate.
http://snipr.com/iblamedefleppard
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: HUMAN ZOO
'Fluffy'
We'd honestly never heard of wool fetishism
until we got sent this link to Fluffy,
resplendent in his fuzzy, knitted woman-suit.
Page five is where it gets really messed-up.
Like proper scary.
http://snipr.com/flickr_fun
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Ginger Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what life would be
like in a fantastic world where ginger people
are worshipped as gods. You obliged.
Your favourites included:
* ROWLING - the boy Potter reduced to a
supporting role, making way for flame- haired
colossus Ron Weasley (dwarfer)
* MOON - in which this writer's misuse of the
subjunctive mode in his grammar is criticised,
despite us no longer living in the middle ages
where, to be fair, it was quite popular
(collapsibletank)
* PUBIC HAIR - Say what you like about this
Jesus: he was ginger where it truly matters
(Donkey Gums)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gingers/
>> New challenge: Creationism <<
Creationists believe that everything in the
universe was created absolutely by a deity, and
that evolution is hocus pocus, despite all the
evidence to the contrary. Please portray this
conflict using God's own image-manipulation
software. As judged by Richard Dawkins (in our
dreams.)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creationism/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
AUSSIE FAG WARNINGS - Last week we covered the
hardcore public health notices on the back of
Australian ciggy packets. "Fortunately", beams
Brundy, "The warnings are diverse enough to
allow such artistic creations as this..." Ahh,
look at his smiling face:
http://users.bigpond.net.au/stevenet/ciggies.jpg
MADDIE JOKES NOW OFFICIALLY OK - Yep, last
week's Maddie-based subject line rated just one
complaint. As informal surveys go, that would
seem to show that it's now fine to make gags
about recent, tragic events. Yay.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Crosswordy challenge
Like one of those newspaper puzzles - fill in
the missing spaces with selected letters from
the right-hand side. Gets a lot harder with
embarrassing swiftness.
http://militantplatypus.com/games/gamepage.php
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SEMEN COOKING - Official B3ta Doctor, Ben
Goldacre suggests, "On the home cooking
front: I've got a classic b3ta video idea.
Semen is made largely of albumin. So fry it. Or
get together with some friends and make a
meringue."
* FAKE COOKING - We've recently discovered
'nomato', a tomato sauce substitute containing
no tomatoes, and Tomsk requests, "I'd be quite
intrigued to try that stuff on that weird
veggie fake-bacon stuff in gluten-free bread
with dairy-free butter and see what a totally
everything-free 'bacon' 'sandwich' tastes like."
* FACEBOOK B3TA AP - can someone write some
amazing application which alerts users on
facebook when there is something interesting on
B3ta? Or maybe the highest voted jokes on
Sickipedia. BTW: We, like the rest of London,
appear to have been mucking about with Facebook
all week. It's a marvel.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Phil Cool with Steve
Punt. Stuff sent in by LittlePixel, SiX,
deets75, fixit, jessekillerkay, Chris, R. and
Ana Top Tippery by the b3tards. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Flaming clouds of
peril to b4ta. (Lose the brackets from the
bloody template, please!) And props to Mighty
Nibus for the subject line.
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TOP TIP:
Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen.
BTW: This is the highest voted tip on our 'Top
Tips' page. You bunch of muppets.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
