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NEWSLETTER: "MADDIE OR CHIPS?"

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This Week:
* ROY WALKER - Secret KKK shame
* CAKE - Just like a Tardis
* CHAIRS - That look like cocks. As usual

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       woolwich... together"

B3ta email 288 - 3 Aug 2007

Stick this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue288/

            Sub:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Snub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  It is the Sunny Summer Sale at Discoo.

  Gardeners Do it with Hoes, Hug Me Not a Tree
  and lots more great Tees. Up to 50% off
  Amplified, Ed Hardy Junk Food and Religion. 
http://www.Discoo.co.uk


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want our link love? Then speak to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  KKK, Bananas and Cake

  >> KKK Catchphrase <<
  "I've uncovered disturbing evidence," bleats
  Dr.A, "That the old TV game show Catchphrase
  may have been a front for the Ku Klux Klan.
  Pics here:" Looks convincing to us.
http://snipurl.com/gitphrase


  >> Suicide bananas <<
  Clearly the fruit bowl of a goth - kdsglass has
  let these unfortunate nanas turn black and hang
  themselves. Strange fruit indeed!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kdsglass/946053305/


  >> Tardis cake <<
  "Thanks for the mention of my birthday in the
  little bit at the bottom of last week's
  newsletter," beams Briony. "The other high
  light of my birthday was making my TARDIS cake,
  shame I can't post a piece to you." The cake is
  all well and good, but it's the slightly
  gratuitous shot of her in a little black dress
  we liked.
http://niroby.livejournal.com/24262.html#cutid1


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Council Cunts

  Last week we got all excited about a record
  titled "Hackney Council Are A Bunch Of Cunts".
  'Acidtrash' emailed us to say that it's an acid
  techno tune on Stay Up Forever, so called
  because Hackney confiscated their soundsystem.
  The poor widdle mites:
http://b3ta.com/questions/councilcunts/

  Frankly most of your rants are far too long and
  complex to even quote here, so here's some
  funnies:
  
  * "It could be worse. Yes, the council are ill
  educated, unadulterated poo-pants but do you
  know what happens to the plebs who are just too
  fuckstick thick to work for the council? They
  all work for Virgin Media. And not as
  waste-paper baskets like you'd imagine, but
  actually OPERATING THE PHONELINES! It's true!
  Jesus-H-God-Bastard-Christ-on-a-bike!"
  (pooflake)
     
  * "If you're ever looking for a job, try Social
  Services. They're always after staff as they
  have the highest long-term sick and highest
  resignation rate of all Local Government
  employees. I can remember one conversation I
  had with a Social Worker who was having trouble
  with her computer. They used a database called
  "CareFirst". Social Worker: "There's something
  wrong with CareFirst. I can log on OK and I can
  get into 'Families' but I just can't get into
  'Relationships'". Me: "Neither can I - I'm
  scared of commitment." She fell off her chair
  laughing. Poor souls - they don't get many
  giggles in their job." (Legless)
     
  * "On the back of a bus this morning, in
  Torquay. Sex education poster from Torbay
  Council, which says: 'Do you need help talking
  about relationships and sex with your
  children?' Hmm, no, but I AM tempted to offer
  my services as a proof reader." (inflateable)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We know you've tried to suppress the memories
  of family holidays, but you'll only have to
  read the first few entries already posted for
  it all to come flooding back. Tell us about
  Aunty Gladys's smelly feet here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/familyholidays/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Mutated fruit pics <<
  What is this? Fucking That's Life? We're not
  Esther Rantzen. Fuck off.
http://uliwestphal.110mb.com/mutatocollection/


  >> Racist toothpaste <<
  If you wanted to suggest your new toothpaste
  made teeth pearly white, would you cover it in
  drawings of black men and call the product
  'Darkie'. You would? Then you, good sir, would
  have made a great advertising copyrighter in
  less enlightened times.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darlie_Toothpaste


  >> Penis chairs <<  
  In our unending pursuit of 'things that look a
  bit like cocks' comes this Nathan Barley office
  chair made from three basket balls and some
  wood. Coming soon to an ad agency office near
  you. BTW: They're missing an ad slogan: "Looks
  like a cock - ideal for wankers."
http://snipurl.com/penis_chairs


  >> Porn addict forum <<
  B3tards! We know you love a good wank, but have
  you ever considered giving up? Here's a
  messageboard to help. Sample post: "I was so
  depressed. I had flushed 7 days of work down my
  penis. and now this morning I didn't even
  bother to try and I jacked off again at 8.09."
http://snipurl.com/pron_addict


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Youtube, fashionable before Facebook
   
  >> 20 Questions <<
  Several years ago we went to a party held by
  Firebox - the people who sell electronic tat on
  the web - and we stole one of those 20 Question
  Balls that do the 'animal, vegetable, mineral'
  quiz. It was shit and we threw it in a bush.
  Shame it never occurred to us to play the game
  with the word 'penis'.
http://spikedhumor.com/articles/118237/20_Questions.html


  >> Super Columbine Massacre RPG <<
  'Should violent video games be made illegal?'
  asks this short clip. The humour comes from the
  gap between the 'omg this is is outrageous' v/o
  and the frankly shit graphics.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-846592551728203166


  >> MC Spazzmatazz <<
  Galia Durant has emailed us with the comment,
  "LLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK it's a spastic making
  hip hop." Her words, not ours. BTW: We've just
  googled her name to see if we've got the gender
  right, and she appears to be in a 'toytronica'
  band called Psapp. Which is nice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mWW6kRITEY


  >> Justin Timberlake's dick. In a box. <<
  We must be asleep at the wheel as this video
  has reached over 25 million views without us
  seeing it. Still, now that we have seen it,
  we're moderately happy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Stab us in the man-cunt with pork chops
  
  Submissions this week included
  
  * The election of the Turkish MP, Mr. Ufuk Uras
  * A Thailand open-source software festival
  creating the acronym 'tossfest'.
  * And the classic 'Essex gag', this week's
  variation being westsussextourists.org.uk
  
  Thanks to stuarth, Obz and rwadey for that.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Monument Challenge

  Last week we wanted new uses for old monuments.

  For our money the best images all involved games: 
  
  * Stone Henge as a super casino (Happytoast and
  'cockgate')
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7443644

  * Tower Bridge as a HUGE pinball machine (Paper
  'n Pencil)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7442483

  * Easter Island as table football (c_kick)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7444682

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pyramids/


  >> New challenge: Safety last <<
  This week we'd like you to make safe things
  dangerous.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/danger/


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: MENTAL EMAIL OF THE WEEK?
  Harry Potter Grot

  pp_lynch writes -
  
  "Lying in my pit suffering from a bout of food
  poisoning my delirious mind produced some very
  disturbing ideas about Harry Potter.

  * Would you use Polyjuice potion to swap roles
  with your partner and what would you do with
  your wand?
  * Would you use Polyjuice potion to become the
  object of your sex interest and then what would
  you do?
  * What about Tonks's ability to change shape -
  what do her and Lupin get up to? (Those two
  would give a new meaning to Doggy Style.)
  * Would you use the enlargement spell on your
  cock / tits / both?"


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include...
  actually, sod it, here's some technological
  pet-peeves instead:

  * WHY THE FUCK HAVE NOKIA CHANGED THEIR
  CHARGER? They now use a smaller jack, thereby
  destroying the great advantage they had in the
  market place: every office had a spare charger.
  Fuckwits.
  
  * eBOOK READERS - Ok Sony, your device isn't
  bad, but if you advertise it as being able to
  read PDFs then make sure that it doesn't make
  the fonts so small as to be useless. 

  * MAC REMOTE CONTROLS - very nice idea Mr Jobs,
  but surely you could have build a little drawer
  into the laptop so we had somewhere to store
  them? 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by clumsyeloquence,
  hahn, RussInLondon, That girl who dates "Or Is
  It?", griffin, mr. peter. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Donkey punch to b4ta.
  Subject line from DogHorse.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7473927
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:
  I had my dreams crushed yesterday. It turns out
  the newspaper headline "Village still looking
  for paedophile" wasn't a vacancy.	
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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