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NEWSLETTER: "CRASHING THE MERCEDES OF GOOD TASTE INTO THE TUNNEL OF YOUR INBOX"

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This Week:
* QUIZ - Kiddy celeb photos
* QUESTION - Your guilty secrets
* LEGO - Stephen Hawking rendered in brick

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're drinking the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tipp-ex thinner, together"

B3ta email 292 - 31 Aug 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue292/

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: ACT AND WRITE FOR A SITCOM 
  Sponsored linky
 
  "Last chance to help out Steve Coogans'
  production company - they want YOU to write
  scripts and supply voice talent for Where are
  the Joneses?. This isn't just some rubbish
  "vote what happens next" bullshit, but an
  actual get down and dirty community project.
  You read B3ta, we know you THINK you're funny,
  but are you brave enough to play with the big
  boys? If you haven't done it yet, why not? Get
  going.
http://tinyurl.com/3dfxye


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Quizzy, Shitty and Catty

  >> Celebs as kids quiz <<
  Could you recognise a photo of Kurt Cobain as a
  child? What about Bruce Willis? Take this
  simple, but extremely enjoyable quiz from
  Gerport and find out. BTW: You Ginger Furher
  scored about 82%. Rah!
http://gerport.com/celebQuiz/


  >> 100 Shittiest songs <<
  Rotating Wobbly Hat has been playing a
  substitution game with song titles, changing
  'love' to 'shit'. Doesn't sound promising, but
  we gleaned much amusement from such cheap shots
  as Aerosmiths' 'Shit in an elevator' and  Def
  Leppards' 'When shit and hate collide.'
http://members.aol.com/prawnknackers/titles.htm


  >> Cat Face 4 <<
  Jonti has been build a new cult following with
  his mental moggy animations. We were rather
  alarmed to pick up a recent copy of the NME -
  the one with Tony Wilson on the cover - and
  find a nice long write up praising their
  genius. So here you go, Cat Face, big with emos.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+4/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Sleepwalking

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the inter-web.
  
  Last week we asked for your sleepwalking stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sleepwalking/

  * Breaststroke
    "I once woke up to hear some strange noises
    coming from downstairs at an old girlfriend's
    place. I found her mum, naked and grunting,
    doing a perfect front breast stroke up the
    stairs with toilet paper sticking out her
    arse. I ran upstairs and was laughing so hard
    it took me minutes to say what was happening.
    I went to have another look with girlfriend
    in tow, to see that she's now reached the
    top, doing a swimming front crawl, turning
    into her room with a tail of toilet paper
    still trailing out her crack. The next
    morning at breakfast she said that she had a
    dream she was swimming up a waterfall to get
    to work, and woke up with friction burns on
    her bristols. We never told her what she
    actually did." (Donkey Gums)
     
  * You're not my mum
    "My cousin, whilst fast asleep, got out of
    his bed, walked down the road about 500
    yards, opened the front door of a house
    (small country town, no one locked their
    doors), walked down the hall, entered the
    master bedroom and climbed into bed with a
    random couple. He awoke in the morning at the
    same time as this woman who had her arms
    around him. "You’re not my mum." "You’re not
    my son." And then they both started
    screaming. He gets up and pegs it out of the
    room but being a house he’d never been in
    before he couldn’t find the way out. He was
    running from room to room trying to find the
    front door whilst this woman kept screaming
    hysterically." (Creamy Discharge)
     
  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like you to tell us your guilty secrets,
  so we can blackmail each and every one of you
  before retiring to a nice little island in the
  South Pacific. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltysecrets/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Stuck in the mud <<
  "Never trust sat-nav," warns the bloke who's
  telling the tale and taking the photos. But
  really it should be "Never take an 'unsuitable
  for motor vehicles' sign as a driving challenge
  and wind up in mud so deep and clinging that
  you maroon a succession of breakdown vehicles
  in the same stinking morass." And that is good
  advice.  
http://snipurl.com/sat_nav_is_for_gays


  >> Head Hoodies <<
  Novelty street wear with celebrity faces.
  Should this catch on, you stand the unnerving
  prospect of being mugged outside McDonalds by a
  bunch of hoodies who resemble Audrey Hepburn.
  Brr.
http://www.headhoods.com/


  >> Poison ivy rash hall of fame <<
  Who would have thought the stuff was so
  virulent? Christ, they should have called it
  'bastard flesh-bubbling doomweed'. Not safe for
  pre-lunch viewing. Particularly if you're going
  to eat ivy.
http://www.poison-ivy.org/rash/rash-26.htm


  >> Suicide by ball-point pen <<
  Ever wondered just how far up your nose you can
  push a biro? Possibly something similar was
  going through the brain of this (obviously)
  disturbed individual. Right before the pointy
  tip of the pen entered it. Oh God, we're sorry
  - sometimes this stuff just sort of writes
  itself.
http://snipurl.com/ballpoint_suicide


  >> Lego Hawking <<
  Lego playsets they are never going to bring out
  #5 - a realistic depiction of acclaimed
  physicist Prof Stephen Hawking, with moving
  wheels. Or you could reuse the bricks to make a
  motorised robot space gun. Your choice.
http://rgh.cc/displayimage.php?pos=-2114


  >> Unpretentious ad awards <<
  Advertising awards organised by some industry
  magazine. Several nice categories including
  'best use of plagiarism' and 'reject of the
  year'. Check out this year's nominations - some
  stuff reminiscent of the b3ta board on display.
http://www.chipshopawards.com/nominations/2007/


  >> Expensive typo <<
  How much could missing a letter out cost you.
  In the case of this unfortunate it was
  $503,000. First link is his initial listing,
  the second is the guy who bought it and
  re-listed it. Ouch. eBay's expired auction
  tracking can be so harsh sometimes.
http://tinyurl.com/ysd89b
http://tinyurl.com/2q2e37


  >> Bic bow and arrow <<
  Part of our continuing series on how to stalk
  and kill your fellow office workers. Neatly
  solves the 'rubber band bites the hand that
  feeds' issue that so often mars this type of
  endeavour. Anyway, next week we'll probably be
  covering how to start a cooking fire and
  setting a simple bivouac between desks.
http://www.instructables.com/id/E7B934L6M5EQ6T2IG5/?ALLSTEPS


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  The nice bit without any AIDS lols
  
  >> Sleepy cats <<
  Always a winner - massive gallery of kitties
  dozing in odd positions and locations.
http://www.zuzafun.com/cats-sleeping-positions


  >> Orphan hedgehogs think brush is their mummy <<
  Another classic from the Daily Mail which
  surely must have an entire special department
  devoted to rooting out stories over-brimming
  with both pathos and fluffiness.
http://snipurl.com/daily_mail_are_poo


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Coz words are for losers dumm ass!
  
  >> Anna Nicole Smith outages <<
  If we'd said "bloopers" you might have got the
  wrong idea. But honestly, our deepest
  sympathies to the crew as the former Playmate
  flubs her way through a Tesco Value Die Hard.
  We suspect she may have been using some sort of
  pharmaceuticals - surely nobody can be that bad
  an actor?! Also note - her breasts are scarily
  huge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4l-1JFW59A


  >> Why Americans can't locate the US <<
  It's been doing the rounds this week but we'd
  be remiss if we didn't give you the opportunity
  to listen once again to a panic-stricken Miss
  Teen South Carolina completely failing to make
  sense. Nice to see her go back on telly,
  though, to explain herself. Or rather just say
  "Doh."
http://www.maniacworld.com/what-is-she-talking-about.html


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Arseholes
  
  We've recently been reminded of the rather rude
  song that goes, "Arsehole, arsehole, a soldier
  went to war. Too piss, too piss, two pistols by
  his side. Fuck you, Fuck you, For curiosity. To
  fight for his cunt, to fight for his cunt, to
  fight for his country." Also not a million
  miles form m.pearce suggestion that, "This URL
  speaks for itself."
http://www.aarsol.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the AIDS Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to combat AIDS.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * THE HEF - Everyone's favourite 
    octogenarian lethario is still alive.
    He must be doing something right (Guy
    Incognito)

  * SAVILLE - Nicely subtle, but certainly
    not lacking in impact (1.618...)

  * RUBBER - The old messages are the 
    best. Nice and colourful too (custard)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/aids/


  >> New challenge: Monkey Movies <<
  Imagine, if you will, that monkeys rule
  Hollywood. What movies will they 
  re-make? The Apes Of Wrath? Any Gibbon
  Sunday? Macaque to the Future? Your 
  primate punnage starts now. Challenge
  robbed from Tarka the Frotter.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monkeys/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  POP SONG IN 30 DAYS - Journalist Rhodri Marsden
  writes up the story behind the song we featured
  last week. And a most interesting read it is
  too. Still, his status as our Facebook friend
  is in dire jeopardy as he neglected to mention
  us even once - the unspeakable cunt! 
http://rhodri.biz/diy-internet-popstar/


  PAYING £3,800 IN COINS - insertspam takes issue
  with claims that this sum would take four
  strong men to lift. "Essentially, for any
  significant amount, only £1, £2 and £5 coins
  are legal tender. The weight can be increased
  with £10 of 50p pieces, £10 of 20p pieces, etc.
  But, realistically, £3,800 is not going to
  weigh more than 40 kilogrammes (in £1 coins,
  £3,800 weighs 36.1kg as a pound coin is 9.5
  grammes). "I can lift up my wife and she weighs
  more than 40 kg," he continues, somewhat
  ungallantly. Ah well, nice story anyway.
http://www.royalmint.com/Help/faqs.aspx#faq42


  T-SHIRT BLEACHING - "I had a bash at it," hugs
  Wuggl3z. The results are rather pleasing, but
  sadly no cockage.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v39/wugglez/DSCF0417.jpg


  COLOSTOMY SEX - "I have no photos," reveals
  twmdavies to our immense relief, "But I do have
  some info which may be of interest.

  "I had a ileostomy as a result of having the
  whole of my large intestine removed. This is
  similar to a colo, but leaving the ileus, the
  tip of the small intestine stitched inside out to
  my abdomen. Thoroughly unpleasant, but at least
  i had a good come back in a bar room brawl if
  someone offered to 'tear me a new ass hole'.

  "Now obviously having your guts on your abdomen
  means you are going to be a bit curious while
  in hospital for 3 weeks and I can testify that
  the wall of the small intestine is the
  smoothest most lovely touch sensation in the
  world. Imagine a tight warm hole made out of
  something akin to the fabric of which the
  inside of your cheek is woven. (Ohhh all those
  millions of microvilli are softer than velvet).

  "So anyway, I'm not a sicko and haven't tried
  it but colostomy sex may not be that different
  to bum sex if there is no poo in the tract
  (depending on how low down the colostomy was
  made) - but ileostomy sex would be the nastiest
  thing I can imagine because your cock would be
  immediately immersed in pancreatic juices and
  enzymes which would start to breakdown your
  manhood.

  "If engaging in such activity, you should get
  out quick." Amen to that, brother!


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MOHICAN TIPS - "The sideburns/earbrows
  correspondence has me wondering if any of your
  delightful readers know of a technique for
  doing an even mohawk in the mirror.", writes
  godisdead, "The best method I've found so far
  was bending a coathanger and hooking it into a
  nostril to form guide-rails. I say best method
  because while it was ultimately ineffective and
  quite painful, it did make me look like a
  pig-man." What is it that Digg says - photos or
  it didn't happen?

  * CELEBRITY VERBS - "Celebrities whose names
  imply they do something. Jeremy Irons. Gordon
  Banks. Tom Waits. Go on, sit and have a think.
  You'll get at least five if you try.", so says
  catachresis who also mentions we should stick
  this in "the bit at the end of the newsletter
  that's always shit." Cheers!

  * TANTOOS - With the recent sunshine we were
  admiring the lovely ladies sunning themselves
  on Hampstead Heath idly wondering about making
  temporary tattoos my gluing plastic stencils on
  skin and letting sunshine do the rest. Your
  Ginger Fuhrer is far too gingery for such
  tanning experiments, but maybe some of our more
  olive skinned readers could experiment?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES SAID IN A VERY FAST
  VOICE LIKE AT THE END OF A RADIO 4 COMEDY SHOW:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by collatalliesisters,
  Funkyjams, pippy is a truck, mr_chopper, saul
  ezra taylor, hahn, saladin zero, Top Tippery by
  x Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke.
  Mike is addicted to spoons? Yay to DogHorse for
  the newsletter title.
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:
  Why don't black people go on cruises? They're
  not falling for that one again.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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