NEWSLETTER: "POPPING OUT FOR HALF AN HOUR FOR A BITE TO EAT AND TO VALET THE CAR"
This Week:
* DRAGONS - Having sex with cars
* FEED THE HEAD - Best flash toy ever
* QUESTION - Your guilty secrets confessed
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're flicking our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| beans... together"
B3ta email 293 - 07 Sept 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue293/
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: SPONSORED LINK
"Backstreet boys? Nsync? We're not a washed up
has been, we're pop4real and we ARE 'sponspop'"
http://tinyurl.com/2bk89s
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Call us tarts, but we *heart* people who offer
us cash.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PAVAROTTI
The 'jokes' we've heard so far.
* What is Pavarotti's wife getting for
Christmas? A smaller turkey.
* If anyone is interested I've got tickets for
the opera this weekend. They're a tenor less
than advertised.
* I went to watch Pavarotti last year in
concert. He's was a miserable bastard. Didn't
like anybody joining in.
Anyway, enough rubbish jokes from fat bastards
past their prime, here's the B3ta newsletter:
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Guilty Secrets
Last week we asked for your guilty secrets in
a transparent attempt to blackmail our readers:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltysecrets/
* "I RUINED A KID'S DAY TRIP. As an
experienced traveller of buses, I feel that I
have gained a invaluable insight into the
problems of public transport. The main problem
is that OTHER PEOPLE ARE ANNOYING. Anyway, on
a recent journey the child from hell jumps
aboard with his fat arsed chav mother. The
mother opens a family bag of Doritos, and
proceeds to munch her way to an early grave,
while Satan's fart stands on his seat and
starts pressing the bell over and over... and
over again. This went on for about 10 minutes,
with everyone on the bus becoming restless as
they got closer and closer to total nervous
breakdown. And then, something incredible
happened. The mother actually did some
parenting. "IF YOU TOUCH THAT BELL ONE MORE
FUCKING TIME WE'RE GOING HOME YOU LITTLE
SHIT!" she bellowed menacingly. The child
immediately stopped, looking shocked and upset
but kept his hand near the button mostly for
balance. The perfect opportunity for vengeance
had shown itself. With a quick glance at the
mother to make sure she wasn't looking, I
reached up and rang the bell. The mother
glared at the child, his hand still over the
button, and with wails of protest she picked
him up, and marched off of the bus screaming
at him that he was no longer going to the
zoo." (Furness)
* "I HAVE JUST PEED in the kitchen sink at
work. It has one of those protectors in the
plug-hole that stop the bits of food getting
into it, and when I peed, I made it spin. This
is the happiest I have been at work for
months." (lardaholics anonymous)
* "FACEBOOK - When I upload photos of me and
my friends to Facebook, I photoshop my friends
very slightly to make them look a bit fat."
(Tricksy)
>> This Week's Question <<
Ever been given too much information? Got
friends who will blithely tell you all about
their piles / stuck tampons / explosive
diarrhoea at dinner?
http://b3ta.com/questions/toomuchinformation/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Dragons fucking cars <<
Presenting... your new desktop lolpaper. Just
like it says on the tin - a gallery of dragons
making sweet, sweet love to sports car
exhausts. Why this exists we haven't a clue,
but thank baby Jesus it does. NSFW, in case
there was any ambiguity here.
http://www.mightyjustice.net/jubei/stuff/dragonsfu...
>> Toilet signs of the globe <<
Collection of gender signs from WC doors by
people who've peed freely throughout the
world. Some of them are too clever by half,
others maybe a bit too explicit.
http://www.nuacco.com/2007/08/13/which-door-should...
>> eBay confusion <<
Clearly this guy got a little muddled with
eBay's forms when trying to sell his tracksuit
top. The result is that his item description
balloons out into a rambling story about
Sheffield.
http://tinyurl.com/yrrmzf
>> Pepper spray ring <<
The ideal gift for a loved one who lives in
constant fear of imminent attack. Although a
slip of the hand when taking out a contact
lens could be unbelievably nasty.
http://www.protectyourselfdirect.com/stunningring....
>> Feed the head <<
One of those online toys we all loved so much
in yesteryear: keep poking about on the
animated head and see what happens. Kept us
amused for quite some time.
http://www.feedthehead.net/
>> Albatross full of plastic <<
One for the "Blimey" files. Stomach contents
of a baby albatross - who would have thought
they eat so much crap? We liked that the
first comment in asks if the bird was alright
in the end. Aww. Bless.
http://www.treehugger.com/files/2007/08/albatross_...
>> Dylan messaging <<
Surprisingly, a half decent record company
viral. You get to choose the words on the
cards as Bob sings Subterranean Homesick Blues.
http://www.dylanmessaging.com/messages/OAT9-GX5J-A...
>> Spam.com <<
Okay, so this is old news but the official
site for the canned pork product kept us
clicking around a good five minutes. It's
clearly not a company without a sense of
irony.
http://www.spam.com/
>> 'The secret of invisibility' <<
Oh yes and not just "a secret so powerful that
throughout history, men have literally died
trying to wrestle it from the tight fists of
its masters" - this craptastic eBay ad also
promises virtually everything spam has offered
you in your life. Also, the ability to command
fishes and bring dead animals back to life. Of
course, the real trick is how on earth they're
preventing eBay from shutting them down -
we're mystified!
http://tinyurl.com/yp64uc
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: T-SHIRT SHOPPY
Re-designed
Right, out lovely t-shirt shop has had a
re-jig, we've hidden the confusing t-shirt
designer and just listed our available
product. Please please please check it out as
the lovely Penny from the t-shirt company has
been hard at it all week and writes, "Please
tell me we're in the newsletter? You would
make a hard-worked girl very happy of a Friday
afternoon."
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Written up quickly coz we're lazy
* NEW WEEBL - Jonti returns to his classic
series, Bob and Weebles.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/factor/
* BOWIE MISHEAD - props to MarkP0rter for this
shitty gag.
http://tinyurl.com/2a6ljk
* MUSIC SEARCH UPDATED - Cr3 updates his
'steal MP3s from websites' project to keep
playing random tunes. Fun to stick on in the
background.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/play.php
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Echidna photographer
Could there be anything sweeter than this
mini-monotreme earnestly checking the settings
on his camera? Sooo cute!
http://www.minut.ee/files/mauri/life/echidna_2003_...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a tiny TV with a keyboard-sized flicker
>> Burning Jimi Hendrix <<
Some people make models of St Paul's cathedral
out of matchsticks. Some make portraits of
guitar legends then burn them down. Guess
which one looks cooler.
http://tinyurl.com/3a7w8z
>> Robert DeNiro acting class <<
Yet another celebrity spot on Sesame Street.
This time, the menacing method man teaches
little Elmo how to act. They seem to have
caught the great man on an off day and the end
is actually a little creepy. Ah well.
http://b3ta.com/links/Robert_DeNiro_shows_Elmo_how...
>> Nose propeller <<
Great little pub trick performance. Dunno if
it's real but it is entertaining, the fact
that it's a promo for some Brazilian telecoms
company notwithstanding. To maintain our
strict non-commercial stance, we hereby forbid
you to sign up with any South American telcos
(unless you have no choice).
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Monkey Movie Challenge
Last week we asked how Hollywood would change
if monkeys ran the show.
Your favourites included:
* CENSORED - It's monkey rating time (The
Great Architect)
* WAR IS STUPID - And monkeys are stupid (The
Duke of Prunes)
* SHAKESPEARE - Monkey monkey monkey monkey
monkey (JimmerUK)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monkeys/
>> New challenge: Animal Secrets <<
Time to re-visit a classic from the b3ta
archive: what do animals get up to to when
we're not looking? Photoshop will help find
the answer. Challenge suggested by Mushroom.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animals/
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mr
wheatley, hahn, themnoisytoys, war3 n3xt,
Matt, Bob_the_Scutter, hahn Top Tippery by x
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. And
a special mention to Nora Cockaday, a customer
of Lloyds Bank in Clapton circa 1995. (Thanks
Peter Gray). Newsletter title? The Great
Architect.
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SICKIPEDIA:
A black man takes a girl home from a night-club.
She says "Show me it's true what they say about
black men." So he stabbed her & nicked her purse.
http://www.sickipedia.org/profile.php
