NEWSLETTER: "IT'S NOT GAY UNLESS YOU GET HARD TOO"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Your personal-ad dating hell...
* ONE WORD CHALLENGE - Elvis
* OUCHY OUCHY VIDEO - Bum branding
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... for otters"
B3ta email 294 - 14 Sep 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue294/
Facebook: [email protected]
Myspace: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Fanbanta Football Quiz
Could you see Wayne Rooney as a kid? If you
can imagine his ugly, shrek-like mug in
child-like form – you’ll be good at this. We
have 50 kiddie pictures of professional
football players (and Frank Lampard) – all you
have to do is tell us who they are! It’s the
only fun and legal way of looking at kiddie
pics on the net!
http://tinyurl.com/25u2up
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Hey ad people - bung us a few quid. Cheers.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Plod, Grey bloke and Scooby
>> Police game <<
"Hello b3ta," jives listenupsucka, "I made a
police pursuit game based on permatanned
super-honky Sheriff John Bunnell. Please,
please, please pimp me in your newsletter -
for the soundclips I had to download 30 hours
of 'World's Wildest Police Videos'
authoritarian bons mots." Ok then, just this
once, you can use our arsehole as a cunt.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/399008
>> Grey Bloke cartoon <<
"You said you liked my previous Grey Bloke
cartoon," mumbles Madridiot, "So here's the
latest one, just in case you need filler this
week." Don't put yourself down Mr Madridiot,
you're very talented and we're sure you'll
meet a nice girl one day.
http://b3ta.com/links/somegreybloke_What_you_can_f...
>> Buy my Mystery Mobile! <<
I_am_man has painted up his VW Camper Van to
look like a prop from Scooby Doo. Do you have
a £1000 burning a hole in your pocket?
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Too Much Information
Last week we wanted the situations you've been
in where someone's provided a little too much
information:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toomuchinformation/
* AN EYE FOR AN EYE
"My Gran’s dear departed sister, Annie, was a
lovely woman. Mad as cheese, but sweet and
kind and tough as old boots. By the time she
reached the age of 85, she’d survived breast
cancer, cervical cancer, pneumonia, and she’d
gone totally blind after refusing to have her
cataracts treated and leaving it until too
late. She ended up in hospital shortly before
she died; her son came round for lunch to tell
us that she wasn’t too good physically, but
mentally she was in good spirits. But he
warned us that should we decide to go see her,
we should be prepared that there had been
some, well, complications pertaining to her
blindness. Because she’d not had her cataracts
removed, an infection had built up behind her
eye. This had built up pus and bacterial
detritus over a period of time, which hadn’t
been spotted. The pressure build up behind her
eye had got so great that her eye had
exploded. The nurse had come in to find the
remnants of Annie’s eye ball hanging halfway
down her cheek by her occular nerve. It was at
this point that I put down the cherry tomato
that I had been eating and went to be quietly
sick in the bathroom." (Rakky)
* MY MUM'S MINGE
"My mother is a hardcore feminist. Nowt wrong
with that, but she is of the scary-hairy,
ball- breaking, man-hating maniac variety. For
as far back as my memory goes, she has
regularly tried to engage me in conversation
about my vagina. She used to tell me all about
her sex life at great length and in great
detail. But the worst thing she ever did,
worse than the masturbation tutorials, worse
than inviting me to inspect her labia, was
locking the two of us in a tiny toilet cubicle
together and making me watch her insert a
tampon. She stood up, naked from the waist
down, put one pale, heavily-muscled leg up
against the wall for easy access and barked a
running commentary at me as she shoved a
tampon into her bloody vagina, greying pubes
glistening, a maniacal, I-am-woman-
hear-me-roar expression in her mad, rolling
eyes." (grandmasterfluffles)
* PO HO HO
"At the age of 3, daughter proudly emerged
from the bog to tell me she'd done a poo
shaped like Santa." (mudskipper)
And a big thank you to Pooflake for giving us
a new word, overheard in a campsite loo:
"POOSWEAT"
>> This Week's Question <<
Ever placed a personal ad? Ever seriously
replied to one?
http://b3ta.com/questions/personalads/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Weird meat <<
Funny thing about Chinese takeaway is that
it's not really representative of Chinese
cuisine. Which is disgusting to the point of
causing psychological scars, if this food blog
is anything to go by. Drunken Shrimp is
particularly grim.
http://www.weirdmeat.com/2004/04/weird-meat-master...
>> Barbie electric chair <<
Step-by-step instructions on how to execute
your glamour doll buddy with the humane,
cleansing power of electricity! The make-up is
a nice detail.
http://www.instructables.com/id/E7HOISVF5R8QR1I/
>> Vege-Art <<
Lovely, inventive art made from vegetables -
might be familiar to you if you frequent the
more poncey kind of greetings card shop as we
often do. The gathering of grinning peppers
and orange near the end fair put the wind up
us though - sinister!
http://www.bearsandbuds.com/July2007/Veggie-Art-Ju...
>> Second Life Unicorn Porn <<
Get cute little unicorn babies to play with in
Second Life. Seems all you have to do is have
graphic low-polygon sex with an adult unicorn.
A small price to pay indeed.
http://www.secondlifeherald.com/slh/2007/09/aftern...
>> Best livestock auctioneer mp3s <<
The Livestock Marketing Association has made
available its extensive archive of Livestock
Auctioneer of the Year winners dating back to
1963. A bit of remixing and there has to be a
novelty yodelling-style hit in here somewhere.
http://www.lmaweb.com/wlacpast.html
>> Dirty Mozart <<
'Lick me in the arse' is a canon in B Major by
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, probably done as a
joke for his mates. His publisher posthumously
bowdlerised it and the original was only
rediscovered in 1991. That's the thing with
being quite so prolific... we'll probably see
the same thing after Stevie Wonder dies. You
don't wanna know what the real lyrics are to
'I just called to say I love you.'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lick_Me_in_the_Ass
>> This is The Future: c.1910 <<
Entertaining illustration of early 20th
century Frenchmen's predictions for the year
2000. Lots of flying police and robot
hairdressers. Maybe they were right; the
millennium was a long time ago and we were
probably drunk.
http://snipurl.com/future_bollocks
>> Upside-down house <<
Workers building this peculiar bit of public
art took about four times as long as they
normally would because they were disorientated
by the strange angles of the walls. Looking at
it, you can see why. It makes us slightly
nauseous.
http://freshome.com/2007/09/08/amazing-upside-down...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Because Ascii-art lols aren't enough for you
>> "Leave Britney alone, you bastards!" <<
2.4 million views in just 48 hours and with
reason. Weeping tranny Chris Cocker jumps to
defend the erstwhile pop sensation in her hour
of greatest need.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Kitten eating melon <<
Aww so cute! He holds it in his little paws
and just nibbles away. Nom nom nom nom nom nom
nom nom nom nom!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Here's to Dead Pets <<
Props to Log of Law of the Playground fame
(judge it by the website, not the rubbish TV
show) for this obituary to all the animals his
friend Jennifer has lost under her careful
care.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Here_s_To_Dead_Pets
>> Gerry McCann interviewed about sedatives <<
Not the most cheerful thing, but no subject
has got B3ta Towers more talkative than the
endless 'did they, didn't they do it'
speculation on the McCann story. This clip of
Gerry being asked, "Did you sedate Maddy?"
produces an alarming response as he tugs his
ear and stumbles over the word 'sedative'. As
one observer writes, "Wow. It's like a classic
TV clip of 'we know this person is lying
because...'"
http://b3ta.com/links/Gerry_McCann_interviewed_abo...
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Ikea and Tina Turner
Chris90uk complains, "They have gone and done
it - spoiled all our fun taking the piss out
of their names by creating the Kolon floor
protector." The Scandinavian shits!
http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/9010777...
BTW: We've just thought of a BRILLIANT
campaign for Ikea with Gary Glitter singing,
"I care, you care, we really do care, I care,
You care, Ikea!" Advertising people, please
send us money now.
-------------------------------------------------
: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
Chav Map
B3ta boarder Emvee has spent the last few
weeks playing with a London Tube to make it
look like Burberry. Is he saying that London
is full of pikeys? Quite possibly. BTW: Emvee
first caught our attention making those
"Ginger Fuhrer is a transvestite" cartoons we
featured a few months back.
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/B3ta/Shop/LimitedEditi...
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Animal Secrets Challenge
Last week we wanted to know what animals get
up to when we're not looking.
Your favourites included:
* POLAR BEAR 1 - Squeal with delight as the
secret partnership between polar bears and
seals is revealed (Pachey)
* KITTEN GETAWAY - Roar with pleasure as this
feline Thelma & Louise flee an airborne
terrier (bloop)
* POLAR BEAR 2 - Shriek with mirth as this
ingenious bear blacks up for the ladies (Joe
Scaramanga)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animals/
>> New challenge: Elvis <<
It's time for another one of b3ta's occasional
one-word challenges, where the only limit is
your own creativity. This one? ELVIS.
Challenge suggested by Mictoboy.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/elvis/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous thingamajigs
* NAKED STEVE - Mr_SD spluffs, "Remember Steve
with the champagne cork... and the balls...
and the pain...? Well we may have branded his
arse too. And yes that is an N and an S for
'Naked Steve'." Eek. If the last one isn't
homerotic enough.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/120037
* TANTOOS - Pfy "had a go at this", not very
successfully mind you. We'd still like to see
someone tan an image using, say, jism onto a
lady's tits.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7569986
* THANKYOUS - "Thank you so much for linking
to my flash toy FEED THE HEAD in your
newsletter!" smiles Patrick Smith, "I have
been confused and delighted by b3ta for years
now, and am tickled to learn that I have
returned the favour." Gah, we feel all loved
now! Here you go Patrick, have another link.
http://www.feedthehead.net/
* WORD SUBSTITUTION - irsimon claims the best
version of this idea is to replace the word
fight for wank. Here goes, "The first rule of
Wank Club is - you do not talk about Wank
Club. The second rule of Wank Club is you DO
NOT talk about Wank Club. Third rule of Wank
Club, someone yells 'stop', goes limp, taps
out, the wank is over. Fourth rule, only two
guys to a wank. Fifth rule, one wank at a
time, fellas. Sixth rule, no shirts, no shoes.
Seventh rule, wanks will go on as long as they
have to. And the eighth and final rule, if
this is your first night at Wank Club, you
have to wank." *Raises an eyebrow to pretend
that B3ta is above this sort of thing*
* CELEBRITY VERBS - many emails sent in on
this including Ash who suggested Leanne Rhimes
(no it doesn't), and airliebird74 who blathers
rather entertainingly, "We used to play a game
where we would come up with Celebrity Verb
one-upmanship. One memorable exchange went:-
'Ok, Celeb Cricket match, Peter Bowles,'
'Sally Fields, Gracie Fields and WC Fields',
'Erm....Mike Batt?'
and Celeb Cooking
'Don't let Stephen Fry,'
'But let Robin Cook,'
'Will Katie Boyle?'
'Only if we let Danny Bak-er!'
And finally, giant_squid points out that, "It
has been a running B3ta project of mine to
find celebrity verbs of this kind, and
photoshop them." Fucking hell, right under our
nose, hundreds of the fuckers.
http://www.morttheostrich.co.uk/wesley.htm
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Ramps
MISSION OBJECTIVE: You are a god-like
mouse-pointer whose one goal in life is to
make balls go into buckets. Using only your
power to arrange the angle of the shelves you
see before you, can you fulfil your life's
destiny?
http://www.tylersticka.com/2007/08/03/ramps/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HITCHCOCK BIRDS FANEDIT - featuring The
Birdie Song.
* SQUARE SCOTCH EGGS - as greenycrimson
complains, "I'm sick of the wee fuckers
rolling around in my lunch-box, and this is
the sort of madness that B3tans excel at."
* GOATSE JELLY MOULD - c'mon - can't someone
at school with access to vacuum forming
equipment help us out here?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Flood.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke and
we all love B4ta. Newsletter title from
Jessie. Who is a lady.
-------------------------------------------------
SICKIPEDIA:
Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills,
they were labeled 'LSD'?" Granny replies,
"Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in
the kitchen?!"
http://www.sickipedia.org/profile.php
