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This Week:
* VIDEO - Elephant darts
* QUESTION - B3ta goes Daily Mail
* COMPO - 'shop a Transformer and win a Macbook

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "COLOSTOMY: OVERUSE
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     OF THE SEMI COLON"
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B3ta email 304 - 23 Novhombre 2007

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue304/

       Sub: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Dom:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Gay, Sprouts and Lightbulbs

  >> Don't be gay! <<
  "Hey guys," purrs Kirby. "You might enjoy this
  short video I made about preventing inadvertent
  homosexuality." We not only enjoyed it, we are
  actually following its advice, after some
  slightly worrisome moments watching it.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/03.htm


  >> Sprouty Christmas <<
  Ah, the old-time Christmas of Yore; horses
  trotting through the snow-covered streets; rosy
  cheeked carollers in top hats; Eyegas's 'Attack
  of the Sprouts' (2005). The man with
  leguminous/festive proclivities is back with a
  sort of sequel. Eat as many sprouts as you can,
  while venting wind to avoid a nasty explosion.
http://www.eyegas.com/sproutifarts/


  >> Arty farty lightbulbs <<
  Bored with the bog-standard design of
  energy-saving bulbs, emotionblurred has come up
  with some alternative looks that actually make
  a feature out of their bizarre shape. It's a
  nice thought, although you'd probably go blind
  actually looking at them.
http://www.plumen.com/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Desperate Times

  Last week we asked for stories of desperation:
http://b3ta.com/questions/desperatetimes/

  * PENGUINS - "I think I was 9 or 10, sat in the
  back of the car. Idly gazing out of the window
  I saw a guy come half running, half tripping
  out of Kwik-Save. He looked slightly different;
  a look I'd later discover was caused by Downs
  Syndrome, but that didn't matter. The thing
  that struck me so hard was the look of pure
  determination on his face: clutched lovingly in
  both of his hand was a single packet of Penguin
  chocolate bars. Seven individually wrapped bars
  wrapped in one long pack. The moment he was out
  of the store he started to tear at the
  cellophane wrapper. He'd clearly been looking
  forward to them all day. He'd been and got
  them, they were all his, and now... Now it was
  all going wrong. The plastic packaging seemed
  to be impervious to his efforts. He was a
  strong looking guy, but he simply didn't seem
  to have the knack of opening them. He must have
  only tried for 10 or 15 seconds with the
  package skittering around in his fingers, but
  during this time his determined expression went
  through joy, desperation, utter panic, and
  then, horribly as tears welled up in his eyes -
  total and utter crushing defeat. He sat on the
  pavement not three meters from the car and,
  clutching the penguins to his chest, started to
  sob and cry. I looked out of the window, hands
  pressed against it and completely powerless to
  help. My dad dropped the clutch and we began to
  move again. I begged him to stop: I wanted to
  show him I cared and open his penguins for him,
  but dad said we had no time. Sat here, 20 years
  on, I can still see his face in every detail,
  and the frustration of it all makes tears well
  up and puts a lump in my throat." (Humpty
  Dumpty was Pushed)
     
  * KITTENS - "This is a friend's act of
  desperation, but also an act of pathetic
  genius. He wanted a cat. His mother didn't want
  a cat about the house. So he bought a kitten,
  and just before bringing it home, he poured
  water all over it. Then he told her that
  someone had put it in a bag and thrown it in a
  river. She felt so sorry for the wee kitty she
  let him keep it. He was 26 at the time." (Dr
  Preference)
     
  * NAPPIES - "A friend was on a long drive home
  with her baby son in the car. She got stuck in
  a long tail back, traffic moving very, very
  slowly. Fortunately her baby had just been fed
  and was sleeping soundly. Unfortunately she was
  desperate for a pee. She tried thinking of
  other things. She tried listening to the radio.
  She tried singing along. She tried crossing her
  legs (no mean feat when you're trying to
  drive). Eventually she gave in. Grabbing the
  baby's change bag she retrieved a clean nappy,
  opened it up, slipped it under her skirt,
  knickers aside and began to pee. Baby nappies
  are designed for baby amounts of pee. She
  attempted to stop the flow... The baby was
  still very young and she hadn't been as
  diligent with her pelvic floor exercises as she
  should have been. It cost 40 pounds to get the
  car valeted." (chickenlady)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Has Political Correctness gone mad, or is that
  just a convenient newspaper cliché? Talk to us
  here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/politicalcorrectness/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Is it Christmas? <<
  Not much to say about this that wouldn't spoil
  the gag. BTW: Also available as a RSS feed.
http://www.isitchristmas.com/


  >> Fold a towel elephant <<
  Got a spare towel? Need an elephant? Help is at
  hand with this guide to creating an elephant
  out of a towel. Why not stuff a few in your
  airing cupboard and build a playtime elephant
  graveyard for the kids?
http://www.wikihow.com/Fold-a-Towel-Elephant


  >> Extremely harsh web comic <<
  We met a bloke who worked with Viz the other
  day, he mentioned that they'd complain "There's
  no good new talent anymore" and he'd say, "Why
  don't you open the pile of submissions that's
  500-deep in the other room?" Anyway, THIS is
  what they should be publishing, not rubbish
  sub-b3ta photoshops.
http://www.electricretard.com/0010.html


  >> 'Money shots' <<
  Imaginative use of dollars, lining up the
  artwork with the public monuments depicted. For
  bonus points try with British notes and the
  Queen or Florence Nightingale.
http://de.fishki.net/picsw/112007/19/bonus2/2.jpg


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Puppies on-the-go

  Dog panniers doesn't sound too promising, but
  look at their cute little faces! We're just sad
  that our mums can't carry us to work like that.
http://www.internet-memes.com/images/puppiesonthego.jpg


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> Talking cats revisited <<
  A new soundtrack added to the 'talking cats'
  vid that has been around a while. Nice voice
  characterisation.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tiem


  >> Elephant darts <<
  Darts contest between a human and an elephant.
  Interesting that there seems to be a definite
  correlation between one's weight and one's
  proficiency at the noble, winged sport. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5YO56LD_dY


  >> Three ways to melt chocolate bunnies <<
  Those Dutch love a memento mori. Stylish film
  of chocolate rabbits being slowly destroyed to
  the accompaniment of a mellow, crooning
  soundtrack. Both pretty and disturbing.
http://www.lernert.nl/haas.html
  

  >> Bouncing sheep <<
  Sheer fluffy joy as Bambi the sheep happily
  jumps about on her owners' bed. Aww.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kids_just_love_to_jump_on_beds


  >> Petition to ban water <<
  Old but amusing stunt by Penn & Teller, getting
  the well-meaning-but-stupid to lend their names
  to a campaign aimed at banning the use of
  life-giving H2O. There's a moral there, but we
  were too busy laughing at the thickies to pay
  it much mind.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_m_starting_a_petition_to_ban_this_video_Please_sign_it


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Still not funny, still not a corner  

  "For your never-ending list of funny names",
  writes Emily Nixon, "Local police officer Sgt.
  Ray Pugh was involved in a high speed chase
  here in metro Atlanta the other day." In case
  you've missed the joke try saying 'Ray Pugh'
  out loud.
http://snipurl.com/killyourselfnow


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Kids' TV Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what happened 
  next for the characters of kids' TV.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * MOWGLI - life after the jungle was never
  going to be easy (Damocles)

  * CAPTAIN SCARLET - Without the Mysterons to
  battle, the good Captain's career took an
  unexpected turn east (Beau Bo d'Or)

  * ZIPPY - with Bungle no longer at his side,
  Zippy's life was one tragedy after another (The
  Great Architect)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kidstv/


  >> New challenge: Transformers <<
  Oooh, we've got a sponsored image challenge:
  Paramount is releasing the Transformers DVD on
  the 3rd of December and wants you to take an
  ordinary thing, say a stapler, and photoshop it
  into a Transformer. Best of all? We've got a
  shed-load of prizes to give away: a lovely
  Macbook, an HD DVD player, and 5 HD DVD copies
  of the film.
http://snipurl.com/transformersdvdchall


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * NO HANDS IN THE NEWS - remember the kitten
  with his hands up? He's been implicated in a
  very serious crime and we're dreadfully sorry.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/from1993/2050365710/

  * PERETUAL PENCIL PEDANTRY - meercat writes
  (and we can't be arsed to give you the back
  story as we're so, so bored of this), "The last
  bit of s.bradshaw's 'How Long Can a Pencil
  Draw' calculation assumes there 1500 metres in
  a mile, but there are 1600. So it should be
  5.5e4 / 1600 = 34.37 miles (assuming the rest
  was correct). Hopefully this will stem the tide
  of people complaining their pencil ran out 2
  miles too soon." Also thanks to the literally
  three or four people who pointed out that the
  whole thing is an exercise in futility, as the
  pencil has not been sharpened.


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: JOEL AND WEEBL'S SHONKY ADS
  Linking them coz otherwise they'll hit us

  Joel and Jonti both have soft-toy tie-ins to
  flog to you in the all-important pre-festive
  retail window - and they are not shy about
  telling you. We can vouch for Jonti's badgers
  being a nice little pressie you could get even
  for someone who'd never heard of the internet.
  Joel's offering is rather more peculiar - but
  the demented energy of the ending made us grin.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Baby+Badgers/
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rathergood_Toys_Song


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HEWLETT PACKARD RHYMING SLANG FOR KNACKERED -
  organise the black ops PR campaign, we know you
  can do it as you did such a good job with James
  Blunt / cunt.

  * DMCA / YCMA MASH UP - "Old man, there's a
  place you can go. I said, old man, when you're
  short on your dough. It's fun to sue with the
  D.C.M.A"

  * FACEBOOK APPLICATION JAMMER - please oh
  please can someone make something that stops
  all requests from all applications except ones
  on an approved list. Our list.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chickenlady, kip666
  Top Tippery by FNORD Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. B4ta la la la. Thanks to Tacky
  Tiger for the lovely title.
  
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  NOTSICKIPEDIA:
  First thing this morning, there was a tap on my
  door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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