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NEWSLETTER: "THEY JAILED THE WRONG STEVE WRIGHT!"

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This Week:
* ROYAL FUNNY NAME CORNER - The Queen's rude dog
* PICS - Meat pron from Germany
* RICKROLLED - Astley's youngest fan

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "You're Toksvig, 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     I'm slipping under."

B3ta email 316 - 22 Feb 2008

Scrunch this tissue in your fist:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue316/

      Sex crimes:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com 
    Hex crimes:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Slippers, slippers, slippers, slippers

  Finally, man slippers that aren't crap!
  Homeys, two sugars please...
http://www.homeys.biz


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Post, dog eggs and money

  >> Unread post <<
  Dougal Grimes scribbles, "In response to your
  unread post challenge; When I left my old flat
  in Glasgow I saw the pile of letters you had
  talked about. And as I was leaving the flat, I
  though I may as well open them all. Bills,
  credit cards apps etc etc, apart from one.....
  It seems Mr 'X' had joined a very special club:
  'The Female Superiority Society- for the total
  subjugation of males.' Highlights include the
  constant referencing to the reader as 'pathetic
  slave' and a questionnaire with tick boxes
  marked 'cissifying' and ' genital pinching'.
  Ouch.
http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/dougalgrimes


  >> Disgusted of Tunbridge Lols <<
  Regular readers will be long aware of CCCs
  ongoing and comic battle with the letters pages
  of his local newspaper, The Kent & Sussex
  Courier, and his latest wind up starts, "Dear
  Letters page, As a resident of Tunbridge Wells
  for much of my life, I have created a website
  that I think will be of interest to both me and
  your readers. 'Tunbridge Wells Ways' is a
  history of what has been my home for the last
  40 years, along with local attractions and
  there's even a list of local celebrities. I
  would be grateful for more contributions from
  the readers of The Kent & Sussex Courier, so
  please visit
  www.tunbridgewellsways.blogspot,com and add a
  message to my guestbook. Kind Regards, Charles
  Littlechild." However, if and when they publish
  the letter on Friday, the contents of the site
  will be changed to this:
http://tunbridgewellswaysother.blogspot.com/


  >> I Want Your Money <<
  Extremely likeable performance animation from
  Scrambled Edd, accompanying Barrett Strong's
  '(Money) That's What I Want' - a b3ta favourite.
http://b3ta.com/links/Money_Thats_what_i_want


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  I Witnessed a Crime

  Last week we asked if you'd seen a crime taking
  place and done nothing/piled in like a hero:
http://b3ta.com/questions/witness/

  Here's three shortish ones that made us laugh:
  
  * KNIGHTS WHO SAY NO - "Some of my friends used
  to do the rubber-sword live-action Role Playing
  - dressing up as orcs and running about in the
  woods, that sort of thing. One Sunday a group
  were driving back in a van after playing
  Knights Templar when they saw a bloke pushing a
  girl about at a bus stop. I often wonder what
  went through the minds of the bloke and girl
  when a battered transit van pulled up next to
  them and a gang of knights in shining armour
  piled out. They restrained the bloke, hailed a
  cab and paid to take the girl home, and then
  gave the man the following homily: "Remember,
  son, hitting women is wrong - and we're
  watching", before leaping back into the van and
  screeching away. I wish I'd been there."
  (davywavy)
     
  * OAP JUSTICE - "I was reading in my car
  waiting for the wife to whizz round Tesco,
  parked opposite the "parent and child" spaces.
  With a squeal of rubber and a cloud of exhaust
  smoke a very nice, very new BMW M3 screeched
  into one of the parent places. Out gets a
  fairly big bloke with the cliché shades,
  baseball cap, designer gear. He starts to walk
  away from his car, but is apprehended by what I
  can only describe as a shorter version of Foggy
  from Last of the Summer Wine: well into his
  70s, military bearing and walking with a brass
  topped cane. I had the window down and so could
  just hear the old feller tell the steroid freak
  off for parking in a child space and ask him to
  move his car. Steroid freak shouts, screams,
  swears and prods Foggy in the chest for a good
  minute before walking into the store. I was
  shocked, the old feller was shocked and he just
  stood there for a while white faced. I was just
  about to see if he was OK when I realised he
  was waiting for steroid freak to walk out of
  sight. The old fella then walked around the BMW
  and with his brass topped cane put a deep dent
  in every body panel, a couple on the roof, took
  out the rear light clusters. He walked off
  giving me a huge wink and a grin as he passed.
  When steroid freak returned, he cried. He cried
  a lot." (RadG)
     
  * PHASERS ON STUPID - "My friend was a hardcore
  Trekker. At a convention things had been going
  missing and the con had asked volunteers to
  patrol the halls. Naturally this was done in
  full uniform, replica phaser on hip. On the
  last night, my friend and his partner came
  round the corner to behold a proto-chav
  fiddling with the lock on a hotel room. He saw
  them, panicked and legged it. And that was when
  the other Trekker whipped out his phaser and
  shouted, "Stop or I fire." Yes, he stopped.
  Yes, he put his hands up. Yes, the guys down at
  the nick probably spent the rest of the night
  laughing at him." (Big D)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Has karma ever bitten you? Have you seen it
  take others down? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/karma/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Camp records <<
  Pretty much what it says on the tin. A 1960s
  record label that specialised in gay music -
  interesting historical oddity.
http://www.queermusicheritage.us/camp.html


  >> Rude butcher <<
  From what we can gather, this is the gift idea
  section of a butcher's website. Quite what
  possessed them to make meat-porn is anyone's
  guess. Not really safe for work, as you can
  imagine.
http://snipurl.com/specialmeat


  >> Massive music collection for sale <<
  Interesting eBay auction purporting to be the
  world's largest collection of recorded music.
  The Q&A section is quite amusing. 
http://qurl.com/r3mcn


   >> Some people are gay <<
   Graffiti that made us smile. The original
   Stonewall poster made itself a rich target for
   mockery.
http://snipurl.com/lolgays


  >> Chinese-English teaching tool <<
  Peculiarly mangled translations abound in this
  Chinese classroom aid. It starts off with
  fairly understandable mistakes but descends
  slowly into madness.
http://peer-see.com/blog/chumble-spuzz/2006/07/09/


  >> Bat soup <<
  Truly repellant food - the second picture down
  is as repulsive an image as we've seen for a
  long time. At least it doesn't have some
  misleading appetising-sounding name.
http://snipurl.com/bat-chelors-cupasoup


  >> Medical adoptions <<
  The unbelievable premise is that this site
  allows you to adopt a child with compatible
  organs to your own - ensuring a ready donor in
  your old age. Of course, it can't really be
  real, can it?
http://www.medicaladoptions.com/index.html


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Two-way floppy soppy action

 * RICKROLLING A BABY - who would have thought
 the king of cheese would have baby pacifying
 powers? We reckon this will get back to Rick and
 he'll feel smug but a little puzzled.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMbGFWz9who

 * DO RABBITS DREAM OF ELECTRIC CARROTS - or sex? 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bWzcu_x-CM


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Pages from cyber-ceefax...

  >> Flying People <<
  Base-jumping with some sort of funky glider
  suits. We didn't enjoy this because, frankly,
  we don't understand how you can jump off a
  cliff and dive-bomb valleys and still be alive.
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4262


  >> Cheers jihad <<
  Reworking of the classic TV intro to a
  terrorist theme. Excellently done - we also
  urge you to check out the version of Doogie
  Howser by the same people. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRHmAhhXUsU


  >> Trek Brokeback Mountain <<
  This Spock/Kirk love combo is bloody great,
  with some very well-chosen shots and dialogue.
  And, of course, the premise is
  all-too-plausible anyway.  
http://snipurl.com/setphaserstobum  


  >> Golf electro song <<
  In the interests of professionalism we tried to
  think of any golf-related innuendo that they
  missed out of this wonderful deadpan 80's
  number. But we couldn't - it's just that good!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Golf_electro_song_thing


  >> Baby Hey Jude <<
  Don't normally like Beatles covers, but an
  exception has to be made for this tiny Korean
  child who has learned the Fab Four's hits
  phonetically. He's very cute, although his
  pronunciation is a bit special.
http://snipurl.com/johnrennon


  >> Windows music <<
  Very much doing the rounds this week; a tune
  composed of the system sounds from Windows 98
  and XP. They've kind of cheated by altering the
  pitch of the sounds but there you go. We were
  actually inspired by this to try making one
  with Mac system sounds to stick in the
  newsletter. Sadly, they were rather too pretty
  and the end result just sounded like we'd used
  proper synths. Meh.
http://b3ta.com/links/Someone_composes_a_wee_song


  >> iPhone band <<
  Exceedingly nerdy - and hence great - this trio
  of musicians performs entirely on hand-held
  electronic appliances. We just had a nosey
  around at all the software they use and it all
  looks rather exciting. Nice little tune they're
  playing here too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh0VX74alwk


  >> I Just Don't Look Good Naked Anymore <<
  Scantily-clad old man sings about losing his
  looks. He's surprisingly likeable and he has
  tapped into a widely-held anxiety - although he
  clearly feels no real embarrassment himself as
  he gads about with only an accordion to
  preserve his modesty.
http://snipurl.com/goksnextpunter


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  A Right Royal FNC for you this week!

  * HRH MIMSY AND STIFFY, THE QUEENS DOGS -
  thanks to Scott Ellis who's dug out the
  fantastic news that in 1936 Her Majesty owned
  pets with entendre-heavy names. We blame some
  hissy old queen in the royal household, and we
  don't mean the Queen Mum, God rest her soul.
http://snipurl.com/bigdogscock


  * PHANI TIKKALA - and with that moustache he'd
  have to be. 
http://snipurl.com/punjabi-punani


  * TITTY YE NOT - props to the NGO
  'International Initiative to End Child Labour'
  - they've got a fantastic logo, apparently a
  small child clawing his way out of a triple F
  cup bra. 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Scientology Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see the bright side of
  Scientology.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * FAQ - Scientology explained using the medium
  of banking (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8061358

  * THE S-TEAM - if you have enough cash... maybe
  they can help (dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8063522

  * BADGES - L. Ron Hubbard has a very small cock
  (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8059488

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scientology/


  >> New challenge: TACHES! <<
  Of all the varieties of facial hair, the 
  moustache is the most glorious, and this 
  week's challenge is to celebrate this. 
  The theme, quite simply, is moustache... 
  and the only limit your imagination.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moustache/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * COGGY LOLS - The Association of British
  Drivers has picked up on the stupid
  Metroshuttle logo we linked to a couple of
  weeks ago. Interestingly, the BBC website has
  used a photo taken by b3ta's own thiswasmyclone
  without credit - for shame! Cheers to mr_wicksy
  for the heads up.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7241329.stm


  * CATS LOVE EMERY BOARD or at least so we are
  informed. Biologist Bob the Scutter theorises:
  
  "Seccotine (fish glue) is a cheap, traditional,
  protein-based adhesive that remains flexible
  when it is dry, so I would be surprised if it
  wasn't used for some brands of emery boards. It
  may be the smell of the (edible) fish glue that
  the cats like so much."


  * RELIGIOUS LEAFLETS - fan-dan-go was inspired
  by a peculiar pamphlet we ran the other week to
  share this with us. "A church group hires a
  screen in the cinema I work in every Sunday,"
  he explains, "This is the kind of stuff they
  give to their children. Scary!" Indeed, but
  what is the worth of a childhood empty of
  feelings of doom?
http://snipurl.com/youregoingtodiekids


  * TREASON NOT A CAPITAL OFFENCE - a fleet of
  pedants swooped on us for last week's assertion
  that treason is still a hang-able offence. "The
  death penalty for treason and piracy with
  violence was abolished by the Crime and
  Disorder Act 1998," explains mike-b3ta. "They
  were the last civilian offences carrying the
  death penalty. The death penalty for remaining
  military offences was removed on 9th November
  1998." So hey, let's all get treasoning!
  
  
  * UNDELIVERED POST is not the property of HM
  the Queen, nor is tampering with it treason,
  says Another Postie. In an interesting missive
  slightly too long to reproduce here, he also
  details quite what a pain in the arse it is for
  posties to get dead mail returned. Also, don't
  just sellotape up a bundle of letters and write
  'Gone Away' on the top one - you'll only get
  the ones underneath coming back through your
  door again.


  * PAUL GOGARTY'S BLOG has been pulled, it
  seems. The 19-year-old gap year student closed
  his blog under a deluge of internet hatred. We
  still have the uneasy feeling that he never
  really existed and it was all a devilishly
  clever scam by the Guardian to viral market us
  all. 
http://snipurl.com/guardianlols


  * REVENGE EMAILS - chippyman_202 requests, "Hi,
  I am a big fan of B3ta, but I have been
  recently upset by a friend sleeping with my
  girl. To get back at him could you please post
  his MSN address in the next newsletter? It
  would mean a lot to me and other fans of the
  site." Er, no.


  * BEAN COUNTIN' MAN - He of the mix-tape story
  last week - wanted to say thanks to all the
  readers who posted or sent him supportive
  messages. "I will try to reply to them all," he
  says, "But not 'til next week, as I'm sure
  you'll be able to appreciate. You are very nice
  people."


  * HEXACHORDIAL'S ALBUM is finished. "MY ALBUM!"
  he booms excitedly, "IS HERE! WATCH THIS!"
  We've run a few of his lovely tunes in the
  newsletter recently and this little video ad is
  worth checking out.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/MY_ALBUM_IS_HERE_WATCH_THIS


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MONEY TEA - MrCmwebb asks, "Banknotes have a
  really distinctive smell. Is it possible to
  make a tea using them instead of tea / tea-bags
  ?"

  * PULLING THE PUDOMETER - Sir Loafalot
  splutters, "Has anyone ever attached a
  pedometer to their wrist whilst wanking to
  count the strokes?" Or could make a great
  Nintendo Wii game.

  * DREADLOCK LOLIDAY - Andy Dexter muses, "Six
  years ago I cut off my dreadlocks.  I put them
  in a plastic bag and put them in a cupboard
  under my stairs. I still have them. I want to
  give them to someone who will do something
  interesting with them and publish the footage
  somehow. Can you help?"

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by ohmsweetohm69,
  duff_the_funky_chicken, redazril, Gin Tonic,
  mme bing, mike, bladeuntilidie, SiX, blenkwy,
  hahn, vortex2k7 ^_^, blenkwy, the_log_knows,
  Vince, RedMom58, Dazz and Yank Meoff.
  Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjectlols from Manic. Congrats to
  b4ta. (brackets)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Trying to polish a turd? Bake it dry in a
  domestic oven, then apply several coats of
  varnish. Simple. (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  Apparently 60% of children are overweight and
  72% have underage sex, so who's shagging all
  the fat kids?
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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