NEWSLETTER: "HERE ARE THE RESULTS TO YOUR AIDS TEST"
This Week:
* HUMAN ZOO - Oldest swinger in town
* CHALLENGE - Make newspaper comics FUNNY
* QUESTION - How nerdy are YOU?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Every time you
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | masturbate, a U.S
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Marine kills a puppy"
B3ta email 318 - 07 Mar 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue318/
Colin Norris: [email protected]
Old People: [email protected]
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Ewan McShitter, Irish jigs & fucking ringtones
>> "I wish my wife was a horse" <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer and his pet lol turnip
Dave have been hard at work cutting up
bits of paper and writing songs. This
week it's all about Prince Charles and
his equine lusts.
http://www.comedybox.tv/comic-video-mr+pitchy-1119...
>> Jamsack Ringtones <<
Irked beyond measure by those annoying mobile
phone ringtone ads, Ornsack has knocked up this
mocking response. We really like the format -
it's an excuse to bang out rapidfire jokes for
as long as you like.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jamsack_Ringtones
>> Davidoff meets Trainspotting <<
Beau Bo d'Or finds inspiration in Ewan
McGregor's humongously cheesy recent
aftershave commercial. He's right - the
soundtrack fits extremely well with an iconic
scene from Trainspotting.
http://snipurl.com/ewan-mcgregor
>> Irish music montage <<
"I made this for Paddy's Day," claims
jonholland and we see no reason to disbelieve
him. It's a video montage of him plucking out
single notes made into an Irish jig kind of
thing - very jolly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Have you seen a dead body?
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked if you'd ever seen a dead
body? All too many of you have:
http://b3ta.com/questions/deadbodies/
To cheer you up, here's yes_slash_no's handy
tips on dissecting bodies:
* YOU LOOK LIKE FOOD - Muscles: bits of tuna.
Chest cavity: smells oddly of lamb. At least
we're not as bad as the vet students who nick
off with bits of cow for supper.
* FORMALIN DOES NOT SMELL GOOD - It does not
smell good in the dissecting room. It does not
smell good on the crowded tube home. It does
not smell good after you've showered for half
an hour and used an entire bottle of Satsuma
Bodywash.
* LUNGS CAN EXPLODE - When removing the top of
the ribcage, if it really isn't coming off,
giving it a good yank is not an approved
technique and may result in fragments of lung
landing in your hair.
* IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME - Not quite, but
nearly. If it's yellow and slightly hard it's
fat. If it's reddish pink and striated it's
probably muscle. If it's red and squishy, it
could be anything. If it's red and stringy,
erm, a vein or a nerve. Or an arteriole. Or a
ligament. Or just a strand of muscle. Something
like that.
* IT'S REALLY BORING - You'd think it all taboo
and forbidden, especially with the Catholic
Church forbidding it for like a bajillion
years, but in fact dissection is kind of dull.
It turns out that people are in fact more
interesting alive. Even old people.
* ACCEPT YOUR MISTAKES - If, say, you
accidentally cut off the belly button and you
really weren't meant to, and it needs to be
attached so you can use it to reference the
location of everything else you see... just
live with the fact that you screwed up. DO NOT
TRY TO REATTACH IT WITH GLUE. This is
important. You will only make everything worse.
>> This Week's Question <<
How nerdy are you? Yes, we are honouring the
death of Gary Gygax by revelling in our
collective nerdiness. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Conspiracy Friday <<
Anyone who's been to a party containing under
30s in the last five years will have met some
intense bloke banging on about how 9/11 was an
inside job and we should all download the Loose
Change video, to SEE THE TRUTH. Amusing parody
here, involving, err, trains.
http://loosetrains911.blogspot.com/
>> Trippy photos <<
HDR photography allows several levels of
exposure in the same photo - so that the bright
bits are as visible as the shadows. You can do
this yourself by combining several pictures in
photoshop, or by using specialist equipment.
Whichever method you choose, and we're looking
forward to trying out this ourselves, the
results can be absolutely stunning.
http://abduzeedo.com/20-beautiful-hdr-pictures
>> Write an album in a month <<
Our friend MJ Hibbett recently flagged up the
Fawm site, mentioning he was joining their
challenge to write 14 songs in one month.
Sadly we didn't have time to check it out
whilst the compo was on, but in the last week
all we've been doing is listening to this
fantastic outpouring of creativity. Our only
criticism, is that there isn't a March
challenge that we could join in on.
http://fawm.org/
>> Garfield minus Garfield <<
We've covered Garfield edits before, including
one where they removed the cat's speech bubbles
to give the impression that Jon - the owner -
was just some mad rambling cat man. The latest
revision of this meme is to remove Garfield
completely, making Jon look, quite frankly,
like a paranoid schizophrenic. BTW: We've
enjoyed this so much that this week's challenge
has taken a similar theme: make newspaper
cartoons funny.
http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/
>> Bad photoshop <<
Not all users of photoshop are as clever as the
B3tards, some people (instead of sticking cocks
on kittens) have to touch up celebrity photos
for promotional crap. And sometimes they are
completely cack-handed at their jobs, so look
and learn from their terrible mistakes.
http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/
>> New ways to be paranoid volume 12 <<
Web dickheads like us are emotionally obsessed
with stats, many a webtard has found himself in
therapy going, "but my new piece of genius only
got 40 hits." So it's alarming to know you can
now find how many people have seen each page on
Wikipedia each month. E.g. 5487 webmongs looked
up B3ta in Feb, whilst only 3003 people
bothered looking up Channel 4 newsreader John
Snow. Which is a WIN for us, although we're
much less popular than Fred West or Harold
Shipman. The limelight-stealing cunts.
http://stats.grok.se/
>> Shittest flash game ever <<
We could describe this, but it would spoil the
joke, so instead, here's a joke that's (for
once) suitable for kids: What do Mexicans keep
under their carpets? Underlay, underlay!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fun_little_flash_game:2
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby monkeys
"OMG cutez0r!1!" shouts Shiodome, "I've been
pimping your newsletter to my partner's parents
purely on the strength of 'things that make you
go ahhhh" cuteness. (it's generally safe to
let them browse through the other vile puerile
filth, as they're in Tokyo and their English is
crap). They've been asking for more cuteness
and sent me this to remind me there's untapped
cuteness reserves still out there." Um, to
shoot ourselves in the foot, they do know about
cuteoverload.com don't they?
http://snipurl.com/babymonkeys
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: LEAVE THE PC ALONE AND GO TO A GIG
Jonathan Coulton plays Dingwalls
We've just had an email from a PR company.
Normally, we stick this stuff in the bin, but
we recognised the name and read it. Jonathan
Coulton, the blokey who wrote the fantastic
song at the end of Portal is playing a gig
in Camden, London on Thursday 20th March.
Tickets cost £15 and are available via clicking
around on his site. Although, assuming the PR
person (hello Annie Day) is good to her word,
your newsletter team are going for FREE. Ha! We
knew there was a good reason for starting this
damn site.
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Kids' music remastered <<
Entertaining spoof advert for an album of
nursery rhyme covers by bands that parents
prefer. Also contains an excellent Guns'n'Roses
McDonalds jingle which, frankly, Maccy D's
could do worse than actually use - beggars
can't be choosers.
http://snipurl.com/axlroseanagrams
>> Michael Jackson's big white glove <<
Even more odd than you'd initially assume. The
erstwhile prince of pop sings Billy Jean
wearing an enormous, clown-like glove. This is
just one of a bunch of arty-farty things made
by nerds fixated on Jacko's idiosyncratic dress
sense in the original video.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Giant_white_glove_experi...
>> Cat 'of a Thousand Faces' <<
Singularly unimpressed feline barely tolerates
owners' attempts to alter his appearance for
comic effect. Admit it - cats have a repertoire
of just three faces: 'bored', 'wants something'
and 'batshit crazy'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_of_1000_Faces
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: HUMAN ZOO
Dirty old man
Calling all TV producers - the race is on -
who's going to pitch a documentary about this
man to BBC3 or Channel5 first? Meet Uncle
Dirty, a cock-obsessed octogenarian, who makes
home-made porn, frightens people on the beach in
his padded thong, and sticks penises onto his
favourite magazines. Lovely.
http://lovebryan.com/features/uncledirty.php
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the New Logos Challenge
Last week we wanted to update corporate
logos.
Your favourites included:
* PAL - a walk down memory lane as we revisit
the petfood format wars (Haku)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8109278
* BACARDI - rebranding to appeal to the
nation's binge-drinking teenagers (dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8111795
* JELLO - bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun
fun fun fun (onephilosophy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8113706
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newlogos/
>> New challenge: Newspaper Comics <<
Let's face it, Garfield, Andy Capp and
Marmaduke are all crap. You can do better,
right? Challenge suggested by BubaMan.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newspapercomics/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HITLER SALARIES - As we probably should have
mentioned in the write up to that crap careers
website last week, it pretty much works for any
word you care to put in. Thanks to the many
people who pointed out how well-paid you are if
you're a cunt:
http://www.indeed.com/salary
* MR BEAN BANK NOTE - We erroneously claimed
that it was from Indonesia. In fact, it is a
note from the Philippines, says Filipina
LynISGanda. "It is a Philippine 5-peso note,
now defunct and replaced by a coin version,"
she continues. Doh.
* OUTOFBUSINESSCARDS.COM - It was one of our
'things we want to see next week' and b3tard
Alex has only gone and shelled out for the
domain. "It was all your fault, I'm the highly
suggestible type!" he cries. Now he's after
people sending him business cards from defunct
companies for him to scan in.
http://www.outofbusinesscards.com
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* STRING A GUITAR WITH RUBBER BANDS - might
work, something to fill a dull Sunday with
anyway.
* RAMPANT INFLATION - Pumping up a bike inner
tube, can you make it burst? What about a car
tyre? Could make some nice little videos - it
would be quite tense and exciting, waiting for
everything to blow.
* A LEATHERMAN FOR LADIES - with a tweezers,
mascara brush, eye-liner pencil etc. Call it a
Leathergirl. Quids in.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by ed boucher and, oh,
loads of other people. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. 4dam crowned Miss World for his
subjectlinelols, with second prize of
Mastheadlol to Manic.
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TOP TIP:
At self-service tills put everything through as
loose potatoes. 500g of potatoes weighs the
same as 500g of muffins, but costs a lot less.
(digital observations )
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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SICKIPEDIA:
How does it change many dyslexics to take a
light-bulb?
http://www.sickipedia.org/
