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NEWSLETTER: "HERE ARE THE RESULTS TO YOUR AIDS TEST"

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This Week:
* HUMAN ZOO - Oldest swinger in town
* CHALLENGE - Make newspaper comics FUNNY
* QUESTION - How nerdy are YOU?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "Every time you 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   masturbate, a U.S 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  Marine kills a puppy"

B3ta email 318 - 07 Mar 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue318/

    Colin Norris:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Old People:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  We’ve Found Maddie!

  Maddie Murdoch that is – and BA, Face and
  Hannibal. We've got the coolest men's &
  ladies A-Team t-shirts. You can even hire
  our A-Team van!
http://www.truffleshuffle.co.uk/

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Ewan McShitter, Irish jigs & fucking ringtones

  >> "I wish my wife was a horse" <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer and his pet lol turnip
  Dave have been hard at work cutting up
  bits of paper and writing songs. This
  week it's all about Prince Charles and
  his equine lusts. 
http://www.comedybox.tv/comic-video-mr+pitchy-11197


  >> Jamsack Ringtones <<
  Irked beyond measure by those annoying mobile
  phone ringtone ads, Ornsack has knocked up this
  mocking response. We really like the format -
  it's an excuse to bang out rapidfire jokes for
  as long as you like.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jamsack_Ringtones


  >> Davidoff meets Trainspotting <<
  Beau Bo d'Or finds inspiration in Ewan
  McGregor's humongously cheesy recent
  aftershave commercial. He's right - the
  soundtrack fits extremely well with an iconic
  scene from Trainspotting. 
http://snipurl.com/ewan-mcgregor


  >> Irish music montage <<
  "I made this for Paddy's Day," claims
  jonholland and we see no reason to disbelieve
  him. It's a video montage of him plucking out
  single notes made into an Irish jig kind of
  thing - very jolly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRmPNI6Ec6s


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Have you seen a dead body?

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked if you'd ever seen a dead
  body? All too many of you have:
http://b3ta.com/questions/deadbodies/

  To cheer you up, here's yes_slash_no's handy
  tips on dissecting bodies:
  
  * YOU LOOK LIKE FOOD - Muscles: bits of tuna.
  Chest cavity: smells oddly of lamb. At least
  we're not as bad as the vet students who nick
  off with bits of cow for supper.
  
  * FORMALIN DOES NOT SMELL GOOD - It does not
  smell good in the dissecting room. It does not
  smell good on the crowded tube home. It does
  not smell good after you've showered for half
  an hour and used an entire bottle of Satsuma
  Bodywash.
  
  * LUNGS CAN EXPLODE - When removing the top of
  the ribcage, if it really isn't coming off,
  giving it a good yank is not an approved
  technique and may result in fragments of lung
  landing in your hair.
  
  * IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME - Not quite, but
  nearly. If it's yellow and slightly hard it's
  fat. If it's reddish pink and striated it's
  probably muscle. If it's red and squishy, it
  could be anything. If it's red and stringy,
  erm, a vein or a nerve. Or an arteriole. Or a
  ligament. Or just a strand of muscle. Something
  like that.
  
  * IT'S REALLY BORING - You'd think it all taboo
  and forbidden, especially with the Catholic
  Church forbidding it for like a bajillion
  years, but in fact dissection is kind of dull.
  It turns out that people are in fact more
  interesting alive. Even old people.
  
  * ACCEPT YOUR MISTAKES - If, say, you
  accidentally cut off the belly button and you
  really weren't meant to, and it needs to be
  attached so you can use it to reference the
  location of everything else you see... just
  live with the fact that you screwed up. DO NOT
  TRY TO REATTACH IT WITH GLUE. This is
  important. You will only make everything worse.


  >> This Week's Question <<
  How nerdy are you? Yes, we are honouring the
  death of Gary Gygax by revelling in our
  collective nerdiness. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Conspiracy Friday <<
  Anyone who's been to a party containing under
  30s in the last five years will have met some
  intense bloke banging on about how 9/11 was an
  inside job and we should all download the Loose
  Change video, to SEE THE TRUTH. Amusing parody
  here, involving, err, trains.
http://loosetrains911.blogspot.com/


  >> Trippy photos <<
  HDR photography allows several levels of
  exposure in the same photo - so that the bright
  bits are as visible as the shadows. You can do
  this yourself by combining several pictures in
  photoshop, or by using specialist equipment.
  Whichever method you choose, and we're looking
  forward to trying out this ourselves, the
  results can be absolutely stunning.
http://abduzeedo.com/20-beautiful-hdr-pictures?=main


  >> Write an album in a month <<
  Our friend MJ Hibbett recently flagged up the
  Fawm site, mentioning he was joining their
  challenge to write 14 songs in one month.
  Sadly we didn't have time to check it out
  whilst the compo was on, but in the last week
  all we've been doing is listening to this
  fantastic outpouring of creativity. Our only
  criticism, is that there isn't a March
  challenge that we could join in on.
http://fawm.org/


  >> Garfield minus Garfield <<
  We've covered Garfield edits before, including
  one where they removed the cat's speech bubbles
  to give the impression that Jon - the owner -
  was just some mad rambling cat man. The latest
  revision of this meme is to remove Garfield
  completely, making Jon look, quite frankly,
  like a paranoid schizophrenic. BTW: We've
  enjoyed this so much that this week's challenge
  has taken a similar theme: make newspaper
  cartoons funny.
http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/


  >> Bad photoshop <<
  Not all users of photoshop are as clever as the
  B3tards, some people (instead of sticking cocks
  on kittens) have to touch up celebrity photos
  for promotional crap. And sometimes they are
  completely cack-handed at their jobs, so look
  and learn from their terrible mistakes. 
http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/


  >> New ways to be paranoid volume 12 <<
  Web dickheads like us are emotionally obsessed
  with stats, many a webtard has found himself in
  therapy going, "but my new piece of genius only
  got 40 hits." So it's alarming to know you can
  now find how many people have seen each page on
  Wikipedia each month. E.g. 5487 webmongs looked
  up B3ta in Feb, whilst only 3003 people
  bothered looking up Channel 4 newsreader John
  Snow. Which is a WIN for us, although we're
  much less popular than Fred West or Harold
  Shipman. The limelight-stealing cunts.
http://stats.grok.se/


  >> Shittest flash game ever <<
  We could describe this, but it would spoil the
  joke, so instead, here's a joke that's (for
  once) suitable for kids: What do Mexicans keep
  under their carpets? Underlay, underlay!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fun_little_flash_game:2


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Baby monkeys

  "OMG cutez0r!1!" shouts Shiodome, "I've been
  pimping your newsletter to my partner's parents
  purely on the strength of 'things that make you
  go ahhhh" cuteness.  (it's generally safe to
  let them browse through the other vile puerile
  filth, as they're in Tokyo and their English is
  crap). They've been asking for more cuteness
  and sent me this to remind me there's untapped
  cuteness reserves still out there." Um, to
  shoot ourselves in the foot, they do know about
  cuteoverload.com don't they?
http://snipurl.com/babymonkeys


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: LEAVE THE PC ALONE AND GO TO A GIG 
  Jonathan Coulton plays Dingwalls

  We've just had an email from a PR company.
  Normally, we stick this stuff in the bin, but
  we recognised the name and read it. Jonathan
  Coulton, the blokey who wrote the fantastic
  song at the end of Portal is playing a gig
  in Camden, London on Thursday 20th March.
  Tickets cost £15 and are available via clicking
  around on his site. Although, assuming the PR
  person (hello Annie Day) is good to her word,
  your newsletter team are going for FREE. Ha! We
  knew there was a good reason for starting this
  damn site.
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> Kids' music remastered <<
  Entertaining spoof advert for an album of
  nursery rhyme covers by bands that parents
  prefer. Also contains an excellent Guns'n'Roses
  McDonalds jingle which, frankly, Maccy D's
  could do worse than actually use - beggars
  can't be choosers.
http://snipurl.com/axlroseanagrams


  >> Michael Jackson's big white glove <<
  Even more odd than you'd initially assume. The
  erstwhile prince of pop sings Billy Jean
  wearing an enormous, clown-like glove. This is
  just one of a bunch of arty-farty things made
  by nerds fixated on Jacko's idiosyncratic dress
  sense in the original video.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Giant_white_glove_experiment


  >> Cat 'of a Thousand Faces' <<
  Singularly unimpressed feline barely tolerates
  owners' attempts to alter his appearance for
  comic effect. Admit it - cats have a repertoire
  of just three faces: 'bored', 'wants something'
  and 'batshit crazy'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_of_1000_Faces


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: HUMAN ZOO 
  Dirty old man

  Calling all TV producers - the race is on -
  who's going to pitch a documentary about this
  man to BBC3 or Channel5 first? Meet Uncle
  Dirty, a cock-obsessed octogenarian, who makes
  home-made porn, frightens people on the beach in
  his padded thong, and sticks penises onto his
  favourite magazines. Lovely.
http://lovebryan.com/features/uncledirty.php


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the New Logos Challenge

  Last week we wanted to update corporate 
  logos.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PAL - a walk down memory lane as we revisit
  the petfood format wars (Haku)    
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8109278

  * BACARDI - rebranding to appeal to the
  nation's binge-drinking teenagers (dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8111795  

  * JELLO - bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun
  fun fun fun (onephilosophy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8113706  

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newlogos/


  >> New challenge: Newspaper Comics <<
  Let's face it, Garfield, Andy Capp and
  Marmaduke are all crap. You can do better,
  right? Challenge suggested by BubaMan.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newspapercomics/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HITLER SALARIES - As we probably should have
  mentioned in the write up to that crap careers
  website last week, it pretty much works for any
  word you care to put in. Thanks to the many
  people who pointed out how well-paid you are if
  you're a cunt:
http://www.indeed.com/salary?q1=cunt


  * MR BEAN BANK NOTE - We erroneously claimed
  that it was from Indonesia. In fact, it is a
  note from the Philippines, says Filipina
  LynISGanda. "It is a Philippine 5-peso note,
  now defunct and replaced by a coin version,"
  she continues. Doh.


  * OUTOFBUSINESSCARDS.COM - It was one of our
  'things we want to see next week' and b3tard
  Alex has only gone and shelled out for the
  domain. "It was all your fault, I'm the highly
  suggestible type!" he cries. Now he's after
  people sending him business cards from defunct
  companies for him to scan in.
http://www.outofbusinesscards.com


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * STRING A GUITAR WITH RUBBER BANDS - might
  work, something to fill a dull Sunday with
  anyway.

  * RAMPANT INFLATION - Pumping up a bike inner
  tube, can you make it burst? What about a car
  tyre? Could make some nice little videos - it
  would be quite tense and exciting, waiting for
  everything to blow.

  * A LEATHERMAN FOR LADIES - with a tweezers,
  mascara brush, eye-liner pencil etc. Call it a
  Leathergirl. Quids in.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by ed boucher and, oh,
  loads of other people. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. 4dam crowned Miss World for his
  subjectlinelols, with second prize of
  Mastheadlol to Manic.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  At self-service tills put everything through as
  loose potatoes. 500g of potatoes weighs the
  same as 500g of muffins, but costs a lot less.
  (digital observations )
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  How does it change many dyslexics to take a
  light-bulb?
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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