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NEWSLETTER: "THE SOUND OF MUSIC 2: THE VON TRAPPED FAMILY"

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This Week:
TOON - Cat Face 7
VID - Flappy lips
READ - Weird Wikipedia

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "NEVER MIND THE BALLOTS 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   HERE'S THE NEWSLETTER"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       

B3ta email 326 - 2 May 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue326/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Crossing Swords
  Ever wanted to punch your boss in the face with
  a hot iron? I bet this guy does. Get clicky.
http://tinyurl.com/6pfdto

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Raspberries, Rap, Hotlinks and Cat Face

  >> Flappy lips <<
  "Students and posh camera equipment should
  never be given an excuse to mix," warns t0mki.
  But why not, if this classical aria of rubbery,
  slow-motion raspberry-blowing is the inevitable
  result?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Flappy_Lips


  >> 'Would Like to Meet' <<
  "My mates and I did this drunken sweary hip hop
  thing," confesses DaveTheTriffids, "About our
  desperate loneliness and general sense of self
  loathing." It's an unsavoury Midlands-based
  lonely hearts ad.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/183397


  >> Italian politico hotlink madness <<
  "An Italian politician called Francesco Storace
  stole one of my pictures and hotlinked it,"
  complains Occulus. Briefly, this means he stole
  the pic to use on his website but left her to
  pay the bills. She asked him to stop. No
  response. "So I swapped my picture of the
  Pantheon for one of him receiving it up the bum
  courtesy of Berlusconi." Hehe.
http://www.sionmc.com/storace/stealing.htm


  >> Cat Face 7 <<
 This latest instalment sees Jonti's macroephalic
 hero hounded by wildlife documentary film crews.
 Silly David Attenborough.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+7


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  When animals attack

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we wanted your tales of dreadful
  spiky-fanged death.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/animals/

  * HAPPY FINISH - My mate D spent some of his
  gap year working in a wild animal sanctuary in
  Malaysia. One day he was happily cleaning the
  area next to the orang-utan enclosure when
  suddenly a huge, hairy orange hand reached
  through the bars of the enclosure and grabbed
  him round the back of head. He froze, having
  been told the best thing to do if grabbed by
  one of the animals was not to struggle as most
  would then think you were dead and drop you.
  However this didn't seem to have much of an
  effect as the orang-utan then slowly but surely
  began to pull him towards the cage. D twisted
  his head round to come face-to-face with Omar,
  the biggest and most bad-ass of all the male
  orang-utans in the sanctuary. Now in fear of his
  life, he then noticed something worse. Omar was
  only holding him with one hand because he was
  furiously wanking himself silly with the other.
  (I just went out to feed the pigeons)

  * TICK - My friend John and I were in
  Bangladesh and we got lost in rare style. We
  found ourselves in a jungle, and, to cut a long
  story short, two days later we ended up in a
  hotel in Chittagong. We splashed out on some
  luxury, but on inspecting my shoulder to see
  why it was so itchy, I found I was infested
  with ticks. Tugging them with tweezers didn't
  work, as their heads gripped very tightly.
  John, damn him a thousand times, at that point
  "remembered" that the way to get rid of ticks
  is to burn them off. Holding a lit match to
  your skin is never fun at the best of times,
  but holding one under your earlobe is simply
  awful. The worst moment came when I thought I
  had finished, but then realised that a tick was
  in fact sucking on my scrotum. I was being
  tea-bagged by an insect, and the only way to
  stop its advances was to hold a lit match to my
  balls. The bathroom filled with the smell of
  singed pubic hairs (and howls of laughter from
  John). The next day we happened to come across
  some doctors, to whom we told our story. They
  smirked, shook their heads and told us that
  burning a tick leaves its head buried under
  your skin. We could look forward to some nasty
  infections, and sure enough for months to come
  the bites were gushing pus. The one above my
  nipple wept so much that four months later
  someone pointed out that I appeared to be
  lactating. (I grew it myself)

  * KITTY KALAMITY - I brought it upon myself. I
  once bit the cat on the stomach. Think
  facehuggers from alien. CLAMP. Mum couldn't get
  her off because she was laughing too hard.
  (ClanSoul)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Pet peeves. What makes you angry? Tell us so we
  can laugh at your impotent rage.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/peeves/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Kittywigs <<
  In case your feline companion is struck down
  with a debilitating case of the mange before
  that all-important dinner party. Or perhaps
  just to 'spice things up' around the... oh god,
  we don't know why you'd want to dress your cat
  up. But this is the place. If it was real.
http://www.kittywigs.com/wigindex.html


  >> Neverland at night <<
  Slightly creepy gallery of pics, taking you by
  the hand and leading you round Michael
  Jackson's notorious, private amusement park.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tunnelbug/sets/72157603558879859/


  >> The weird side of Wikipedia <<
  Massive chunk of read-y goodness; wikipedia's
  list of articles considered unusual. If we were
  smart we'd keep this secret and grind about 5
  newsletters'-worth of ideas from it - it's a
  gold-mine!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Unusual_articles


  >> Coffin Couches <<
  Enterprising company that converts 'factory
  damaged' coffins into gothic sofas. Soft
  furnishings with an inappropriate aura of
  menace, as if they scuttle round the room on
  their spindly legs and creep up behind you when
  you go to put the kettle on.  
http://coffincouches.com/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Grrrrrrrr! Bears!

  You know one of these little scamps could
  easily take an arm off but it doesn't stop them
  being quite delightful. We wonder why they're
  being so lovingly reared; our guess is they'd
  all make a lovely Russian hat.
http://englishrussia.com/?p=1890


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: E4 
  Bonus sponsored linky 

  Who said traffic wardens canít rap? Click below
  to see more at E4.com/webheroes
http://tinyurl.com/6ha6re


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Stuff that's almost funny if you're simple

  >> Metronome experiment <<
  Ever wondered how to synchronise 5 metronomes?
  Maybe you're a bit deaf and one isn't loud
  enough? Help is at hand with SCIENCE.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Synchronisation


  >> Visual bromide <<
  In a clip that's enough to put you off sex for
  life, we see what really happens when a man and
  woman 'make love'. Very NSFW and very, very
  disgusting.
http://snipurl.com/dontwatchthis 


  >> Facebook nightmares made real <<
  Taken from BBC Sketch show "The Wall" that, for
  all we know, may be great or may be a bit shit
  (like Lily Allen and Friends). Anyway, this
  sketch is spot on and sent a chill down our
  collective spines. Not just because we know
  idiots like this, but because we're all a
  little bit guilty ourselves. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facebook_in_real_life


   >> Billy Connolly pisstake <<
  Billy Connolly was vaguely entertaining in the
  70s when he swore a lot and did ridiculous
  songs like "In the Brownies". Now he's had too
  much therapy to be properly funny, yet still
  pops up on screen doing his rambling monologues
  without punch-lines. This perfectly captures the
  intrinsic lameness of the contemporary Connolly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Billy_Connollys_Bullshit_Tours


  >> Floating head lol <<
  This starts off by looking like some rotten
  student film complete with inept special
  effects. It then turns into pure psychodrama.
  And if that wasn't enough, it ends on a song. 
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=pZkZWlAIG0w


  >> Twin Towers conspiracy parody <<
We've all seen our fair share of theories about
why 9/11 really happened, so we love this next
clip, complete with CGI worthy of an Amstrad
GX4000. 
http://b3ta.com/links/REAL_proof_that_9_11_was_all_a_big_phony


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Gladiators Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what Gladiators:
  Extreme Edition would be like.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TERMINAL 5 - The Travelator proves unpopular
  with contestants at Heathrow (enceladus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8315578

  * SPEIGHT - while over at St. Pancras, the
  latest challenge takes its first victim (dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8320312

  * TOM CRUISE - finally, the Hollywood action
  hero tackles an opponent his own size (The
  Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8330121

    All these images, and the highest as voted by
    you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gladiators/


  >> New challenge: Uxbridge English <<
  In tribute to the great Humphrey Lyttelton,
  this week's challenge is to expand the Uxbridge
  English Dictionary. We shouldn't have to
  explain this. Challenge suggested by clorey
  mcnuggety. 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/uxbridge/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MAKE YOUR OWN PUMPKIN FACE-
  VampireMonkeyOnSpeed retorts, "From a 1938
  issue of "Popular Science" the first step is to
  make an aluminium mould of the face, I assume
  this is done by placing a sheet of aluminium
  over the face and beating it into shape with a
  hammer."
http://snipurl.com/boris 


  * RETRO-GAMING SPAT - "Bruce Everiss has
  deleted around 180 posts from his original
  blog, and subtly edited other posts to skew
  the argument in his favour," informs
  bertybop909. "Luckily, someone preserved the
  original thread before Bruce butchered it in
  his favour. Even better, they've produced a
  web-page that shows the original thread
  side-by-side with the edited version, so people
  can see exactly the extent Bruce went to to
  hide/edit comments from his detractors." 
http://worldofstuart.excellentcontent.com/bruceworld/


  * SHED LOAD OF DATA - Linbox geeks out, "Just
  kind of interesting in a techie way: The stats
  from my host made interesting reading
  during/after my shed made it to the newsletter.
  It also shipped about 1.6Gb of data in 7 days,
  compared to 42Mb for the whole of March... 
  Yay!" And indeed woo, and we hope you lose your
  virginity soon. (Sorry!)
http://www.fivelaws.demon.co.uk/shed-hits.jpg


   * FRUIT OF THE PENIS -  last week we asked you
   go grow oddly-shaped veg. Of course you're
   all too lazy and just reached for google
   instead. jbarlow_jb ejaculates, "These peppers
   taste quite nice as well, always a surprise
   for people to find a whole one in a salad."
http://www.g6csy.net/chile/peppers/pene.jpg


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Perfect Pitch Game

  Being crap musicians we've delighted in playing
  this 'can you guess the note' game, and we've
  concluded that we haven't got perfect pitch
  (far from it), but our relative pitch is fine.
  Woohoo.
http://detrave.net/nblume/perfect-pitch/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * INTERNATIONAL TALLER OR  SMALL - just been
  reading this great wikipedia page that has the
  average heights of different nationalities.
  Could be a great game here - like Bruce
  Foresight does higher or lower, but very
  vaguely racist. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_height

  * DISPOSABLE HEROES OF HIPHOPRACY MASH UP -
  been amusing ourselves all week singing,
  "Cbeebies, the drug of the nation, breeding
  ignorance and feeding radiation." Could be a
  great video - cutting from Michael Franti
  bombastically denouncing TV, and clips of In
  The Night Garden and that dickhead Justin who's
  on everything.

  * KEYBOARD PRANKS - swap the n and m key on
  your mums keyboard. Or install Linux. Mums love
  linux.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bad Horsey who
  moaned that we didn't credit him last week for
  well, being bad and also being a horse we
  suppose, seekew SockCooker, netkiller2005, and
  not forgetting stevepiercy. Subjlol from Ad7.
  Mastheadlol from barryheadwound. We also liked
  'A product of the untalented, sold by the
  unprincipled to the utterly bewildered' but it
  was a bit long. Thanks art of work.  Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Scaryduck is QOTW bloke. B4ta is secret, don't
  go hunting for weird URLs. Yes, we mean YOU
  b3tard. (clicky pen)
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:
  What's the most sensitive part of your body
  when you're having a wank? Your ears.	
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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