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NEWSLETTER: "90% OF DOGS IN KOREA ARE INBRED. LIKE IN A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING"

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This Week:
* BATTENBERG SIMULATOR - You wanted it, You got it
* VID - Balloon fail
* NIGELLA LAWSON TOPLESS MILK JUGS - A title too 
  good not to mention at the top

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "Your one-stop shop
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    for gangster rapers"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      

B3ta email 339 - 31 July 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue339/

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-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Neat Webcam Trick
  
  I bet you thought that the most use you’d ever
  have for a Chinese symbol would be that
  oh-so-original tattoo your mates convinced you
  to get for your birthday. Not so my friend, not
  so.
http://www.facethetask.com


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Exciting sub-headline makes you clicky

  >> Battenberg simulator <<
  Cake, oh blessed cake, if it wasn't so tasty
  then the internet wouldn't be so fat. Thank
  Monkeon for producing this state-of-the-art
  Battenberg simulator to bring the power of
  chequered sponge squares to your internet. B3ta
  salutes you, well it would but the only time we
  lift our hands towards our head it's to put
  more cake in our fat faces.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/battenberg/


  >> Sheepfilms vs. Chair <<
  Regulars will be familiar with the quirky
  vignettes of Dave from Sheepfilms. His most
  famous moment being the now-legendary fart
  lighting video, which now means he can't leave
  his Brighton home without a mob of guff-hungry
  fans serenading him with a symphony of air
  trumpets. His latest work? Printing chairs
  using his inkjet printer. (Which is a bit like
  a dot-matrix printer, but more modern and fast,
  future-fans.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Perspective_Chair


  >> Willy Wonka: Drug Tsar <<
  Marilyn Manson always had a thing about the
  gratuitously druggy nature of the 1971 
  kiddie-flick Willy Wonka & the Chocolate
  Factory, and b3tard Dogfood is on a similar
  trip, picking out all the clips that scream
  drug use. Some amusing editing here. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wonka_A_Recut_Trailer


  >> Notorious Cabinet <<
  Defying Darwin aka WordBomb, or even plain old
  Rob Wakefield as the police know him, has been
  applying his love of shouty hiphop to crap old
  clips he's found on public film archives. We're
  amused, you may be too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ8KtNoH8_k


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Pointless experiments

  Last week we asked what ridiculous things you'd
  done to further scientific knowledge. Played
  with poo and wee, mostly:
http://b3ta.com/questions/experiments/

  * HOT SHIT - "Home alone, Mum and Dad are at a
  wedding and will be gone for hours. Brothers are
  away on holiday. After three hours of casual
  masturbation, I decided to make the most of the
  empty house. What to do? Microwave a poo...
  Not a good idea. The house stunk sooo bad I had
  to deliberately burn some paper just so I could
  get the blame for something a lot less offensive.
  We got rid of the microwave shortly after because
  it just didn't smell right."
  (dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan)
     
  * PUTTING THE ANNOY IN TANNOY - "Bored one Saturday
  morning at the Sutton branch of B&Q, we conducted
  customer experiments with the tannoy system. The
  first announcement was, "Will the man with the
  beard come to reception please?" Classic. Eight
  blokes with various styles of beard turn up. We
  tell them none of them are the right one. Next
  announcement: "Will the man with the beard who
  looks like The Master from Doctor Who come to
  reception please?" Very hard to keep a straight
  face at this stage. Two more customers turn up at
  reception (one of whom had come up on the previous
  announcement - but thought he might look a bit like
  The Master). Both told despite having a passing
  resemblance (and beards), they are not the droids
  we are looking for. This carried on for some time:
  "Will the customer who has left an mechanised
  automaton in the car park please come to reception?"
  Three people turned up "in case." "Will the lady
  in the short skirt and high heels please come to
  reception?" "Will the owner of the mobility scooter
  currently on fire in the car park come to reception"
  One petrified granny turns up on a zimmer. (felt
  guilty about that one) Anyway, we got away with it
  for several hours till the store manager got wind
  of it. He went mental." (Mandrill)
     
  * TRAMP COCKTAIL - "Doing the Duke of Edinburgh
  Award thing. Tents had been set up, spliffs had
  been consumed, I had run out of vodka. What other
  alcohol might be available on a camping trip?
  That's right, meths. Seeing as meths is undrinkable
  neat, I combined it with the most logical mixer.
  Custard. Such was my alcoholism in the day, I
  actually managed to happily consume a whole bowl
  of methy-custard. Don't do it kids."
  (Madam Marlboro)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  What have you done to make money fast? Did you
  actually make anything, or were you just ripped off
  by someone who really was getting rich quick?
  Did you have to sell your soul? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/getrichquick/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Lego album covers <<
  Always good for a few clicks - famous stuff
  recreated in other stuff. And album art too -
  it's modern popular art innit? Much more loved
  than anything else arty in the world ever. FACT.
http://www.thetoyzone.com/20-album-covers-recreated-in-lego/


  >> Online, 70s style <<
  It's 1975 And This Man Is About To Show You The
  Future. If we still ran image challenges based
  upon us dweebs picking a source picture, we'd
  choose these, and YOU'D MAKE IT ROCK.
http://www.squareamerica.com/ib.htm


  >> Spoiler alert! <<
  If you're too lazy to watch Cloverfield, here's
  a quick primer of the entire plot. And in the
  words of the bloke sitting next to us who
  bothered to watch it, "It's funny because it's
  true." Personally we're working through a 30
  Rock marathon. Coz that's where we is at.
http://speterdavis.com/mcomics_cloverfield.html


  >> Cakes wrecks <<
  Book publishers! Here's your next idea for a
  dirty tie-in website book: lots of photos of
  really rubbish cakes. Comedy + food = win.
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/


  >> Stained glass geeks <<
  Oooh! Idea! Next time a bunch of teenage
  hoodlums throw half a brick through the window
  to steal your 42" tellybox, replace the pane
  with a stained-glass representation of your
  favourite computer game characters. We'd do
  Tetris, OBVIOUSLY. Because we're married and
  the official B3ta wife wouldn't be happy with
  Lara Crofts sending shafts of golden light
  over the chintz carpet.
http://snipurl.com/geekstains  [deputy-dog_com] 


  >> Suitcase Sausages <<
  How meaty and yet how practical! Maybe our readers
  would like to fashion their own from a handbag
  and some Lidl carrion surprise. 
http://bay01.imagebay.com/_upload/img/48/wurst_koffer.jpg


  >> Chip pan Wikipedia! <<
  Thanks to iowaseven who has written in to
  share, "Everybody knows chip pans are famous
  for catching fire, and none knows it better
  than Wikipedia. Most of the page is devoted to fiery
  inferno, rather than delicious potatoey
  goodness." And blimey he does have a point.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chip_pan


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Simple lols for simple folk

  >> Balloon fail <<
  Oh yeah, let's let some balloons free for AIDS
  or children with cancer. What could possibly go
  wrong? We're giggling thinking about it.
  GIGGLES we tell you.
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c18_1217189503


  >> Cern Rap <<
  Quite honestly we haven't watched this clip.
  The concept repels us. Rapping? Geeks? We'd
  rather wank in Gordon Brown's face. However, as
  it was the mostly highly-voted clip on the site
  this week, we figure this is what passes for
  entertainment these days. CLICK ON, HIVE MINDERS.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/CERN_Rap


  >> Dramatic cat <<
  Ah, this is more like it: a cat playing tribute
  to the most-lolled clip of 2006.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dramatic_Cat


  >> Sooty and Sweep do Stevie Wonder <<
  US readers look away now, we're doing one of
  our periodical forays into parochial kids' TV
  kitsch. Worth it for the wig work alone.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stars_in_their_Eyes_Sweep_style


  >> Mad Poles <<
  This is just glorious. Poland's answer to Jean
  Michel Jarre put his video together on a
  significantly smaller budget. Hence the CGI
  being supplied by a Spectrum, a Commodore 64
  and screengrabs from Raid Over Moscow.
http://patrz.pl/filmy/id/357661


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Tits with double spunk

  * NIGELLA LAWSON TOPLESS MILK JUGS - made you
  look, made you stare, made you cream your
  underwear.
http://snipurl.com/marketinggenius  [www_gadgethub_co_uk] 

  * JISM, the film. Some Bollywood toss, rather
  than skin flick.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0348843/

  * THE LIFE OF DICK SEAMAN, we hope he never had
  fertility issues as then he'd be Dicky Seaman.
http://www.latphoto.co.uk/unique_collections/6


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: SMALLEST SD CARD 
  The weakest entertainment idea we've ever run

  Last week we asked if you could beat our 16MB
  SD card, the useless crap little cards that
  come with new cameras, so the first thing you
  have to buy is an upgrade. THE CAPITALIST
  GENIUS CUNTS.

  * 8MB WIN! Lambkin writes, "It came with a
  video camera. If you really are that interested
  here's a picture."
http://snipurl.com/excitingwoohoo  [s162_photobucket_com] 


  * 4MB FAIL! Pinacolada blithers, "Just read the
  most recent newsletter (full of teh lolz as per
  usual, may I add) and saw you were looking for
  the lowest storage SD cards. Lo and behold in
  front of me I find a retro 4MB compact flash
  card! Not exactly SD but I thought I'd share it
  with you." Yes, exactly. NOT A BLOODY SD CARD.
http://i33.tinypic.com/2dbruio.jpg


  BTW: According to group-think spoilsports
  Wikipedia, 8MB is as low as SD cards go. Unless
  you know better. *makes dramatic dah dah dah
  noises*
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secure_Digital_card


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Abusive Ducks Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to portray the 
  grotesque evil of ducks.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * QUACK - it's the Ducks of Doom
  (collapsibletank)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8591013

  * QUACK QUACK - The Galactic Empire's early
  Walker prototype (c_kick)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8595622

  * QUACK QUACK QUACK - duck brutality at its
  most horrific (Doctor When)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8591216

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/abusiveducks/


  >> New challenge: Hats <<
  It's time for one of b3ta's occasional, 
  do whatever you want, ball's in your 
  court, one-word challenges. The word? 
  Hats! Challenge suggested by 
  wobbly_bloke.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hats/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BEN WHEATLEY IN TV SHOW SHOCK - Good old Ben,
  he's done really rather well for himself. From
  humble beginnings posting on our boards, to
  occasionally helping us write the newsletter,
  he's gone a bit quiet over the last year, coz
  the BBC decided to kidnap him and let him make
  his own series. The trailer is on iPlayer here
  and we'll be running an interview with YOUR
  QUESTIONS nearer the transmission date. Yay for
  old beardy Ben!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/wrongdoor/


  * PUB MANK - Scaryduck has spun out from a
  conversation on a recent QOTW and put together
  his theory of how manky a pub is. Basically
  it's about leaving change in the urinal and
  seeing what's the smallest coin a punter will
  pick up in the piss. There's some kind of
  googlemap craziness going on too, but that just
  scares us.
http://snipurl.com/disgustingidea  [scaryduck_blogspot_com] 


  * DRUGGY MAD PEOPLE - Mr. Granger exhales,
  "Inspired by the 'Drivin' on Salvia' link the
  other week, I painstakingly researched the item
  (well, wiki'ed it) and thought I'd give it a
  go. I have a long history of experimenting with
  various drugs and Eric (our host) seemed to be
  having a pretty cool time.

  "After purchasing some Salvia leaf from flea-bay
  (and receiving a mail from them washing their
  hands of the transaction), me and a mate set
  about smoking some. Nothing! Yet another cr@p
  "legal-high". Undeterred, I set off to our
  local head-shop, checked out the options and
  invested 15 quid in half a gram of Salvia at a
  concentration of 40x.

  "I loaded a small pipe with it, lit, inhaled and
  as instructed by Eric, held on for around 30
  seconds. OH MY GOD! I've done acid, mushrooms
  and a few other hallucinogens over the years
  but I have never actually believed that what I
  was seeing was actually real. I saw and felt
  the Universe folding in half in a straight line
  running through my chest, as I gained the
  knowledge that my whole life had been an
  optical illusion which was now coming to an
  end. Slightly disturbed by this trip (which
  lasted approximately 3 minutes), I thought I'd
  try again - same thing!

  "Awesome experience I must say. I can fully
  understand why ancient civilisations would've
  used it in religious ceremonies as for a few
  minutes I knew the secret of the Universe!

  "I would send you the video of me at it but as
  it's just me sat looking blank for a few
  minutes it wouldn't help. Am planning to give
  it another go so will get a mate to film and
  will try to explain what's going on."
  
  BTW: Don't take drugs kids, stick to sniffing
  glue.


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  E4 flash game compo

  We're helping the E4 site run a flash games
  competition. The prize? £5k. Our bit? We're
  making a game and a diary of our progress, read
  the first bit here. And feel free to either
  enter the challenge with your own game or help
  us make ours. Read on, gentle readers, read on.
http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-01.html


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WIFE GAME - you play the
  wife. Grind your partner into misery with
  statements like, "Fine! You go down the pub
  then" or "I'll just stay here and cry!"
 
  * EAR WAX CANDLES - can you scrape enough wax
  out of your lug holes to fashion a candle? Will
  they burn? Maybe you could use a pube as a wick.
 
  * SPAGHETTI LOAF - can you grind down pasta,
  turn it back into flour and make bread out of
  it? You will have solved the Italian bread
  crisis. You fascist!

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------


THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by rbndrsn, ant, Bad
  Horsey, rob wakefield, seekew, rsloman
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via MissTourettes.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Fat Ladies! Eat cakes and other confectionery
  using only your fingertips, making yourself
  appear dainty. (Marquischacha)

-------------------------------------------------

  SICKIPEDIA:
  Remains of five children have been found in the
  search of a children's home in Jersey. However,
  police say there is unlikely to be a murder
  inquiry because it's impossible to date the
  remains. Gary Glitter says he's willing to give
  it a go.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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