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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE CONDITION THAT KILLED OFF..."

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...a popular black singer who was a hit with all the
          chicks - STROKE! - damn right!
This Week:
* EXPERIMENT - Electric kettle vs. gas hob
* WIN - Write a limerick and nab Joel's Album
* WEEBL - tribute to Ladytron

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 341 - 15 Aug 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue341/

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-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Too hung over on Saturdays to play football?
  
  The Premiership kicks off on Saturday, so sign
  up to The Times Fantasy Football and pick your
  team today. You have £100milion to spend on
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http://tinyurl.com/5d5oat


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Scrambled webs, boiled water, Weebl & limericks

  >> Interweb anagrammator <<
  "You've probably all seen the 'Paomnnehel
  pweor of the hmuan mnid' text before," blurts
  xlcus, "but now you can try reading your
  favourite websites in the same style!" This is
  fricking awesome, although reading the b3ta
  message-board through it made our eyes hurt
  after a bit.
http://readingtest.sytes.org/


  >> Electric kettle vs. gas hob <<
  JimM steps into the surprisingly controversial
  debate 'is it cheaper to boil water via kettle
  or hob?' "A kettle is more efficient, but
  since gas is about a quarter of the price of
  electricity, it's cheaper to make a cup of tea
  using gas. The difference is a whopping 0.4p."
  And blow us down if he hasn't gone and done an
  experiment to prove it!
http://snipurl.com/kettleytwats  [srimech_blogspot_com] 


  >> Weebl and Bob <<
  Peculiarly, Jonti brings us his take on
  Ladytron's You Destroy Everything You Touch
  vid. Weebl and Bob are snowy mountains, they
  sing about pie.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/destroy/


  >> Win Joel's album! <<
  Just by jotting down a quick (and preferable
  obscene) limerick you could win one of five
  signed copies of the swanky new Seven Seconds
  of Love album. For those who prefer their
  albums unbesmirched by band members' inky
  scrawls, here's a direct link to grab it from
  amazon too!
http://b3ta.com/links/Write_a_limerick_and_win_Joels_album
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001D7NTTI/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  There will be Blood

  As part of our occasional series on bodily fluids,
  we wanted your bloody stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/blood/

  * PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND - "I used to live three guys
  and another girl. Sarah had issues with Alice,
  the girlfriend of one of the guys, Jay. We never
  discovered why, but S would badmouth A when she
  wasn't there and ignore her when she was. [Duh,
  she was in love with J, Ed.] Alice would stay over
  a fair amount but the rest of us got on with her
  fine as she was doing a catering course and had a
  real passion for cooking. Sarah was out drinking,
  we'd stayed in getting drunk. And high. And then
  we got the munchies. Rummaging in the kitchen we
  discovered two of those little bottles of fake
  blood. "Oooh" thought our twisted drunken minds,
  "Fun!" Fun translated into throwing blood at each
  other and all over the kitchen, posing for pictures
  with blood stained knives and so on. Then the door
  bell rang and Alice arrived, somewhat confused by
  us looking like we had been mauled by werewolves.
  More drinking and smoking and we must have passed
  out because the next thing I remember was a scream
  and a loud thud. Turns out Sarah has arrived home,
  seen us covered in blood and unmoving in the lounge
  then gone into the kitchen where Alice was cleaning
  the blood off the knives and walls, instantly
  concluded that Alice was a psycho knife welding
  maniac murderer, screamed, turned to run out the
  house, misjudged it and smacked into the door frame
  knocking herself clean out. As the only sober person,
  Alice then had to drive Sarah to the hospital with
  Jay. He reported the journey as being uncomfortably
  hilarious, although the girls did get on slightly
  better afterwards." (The Grammar Badger)
     
  * NO LONGER BLONDE - "My best friend at school had
  a heart defect which meant regular cardiovascular
  tests at Gt Ormond Street Hospital that needed a
  healthy chum for comparison. After hours of blowing
  into tubes and running on treadmills we were rewarded
  with a trip to Madame Tussauds. We were very impressed
  by waxworks of such heroes as Arnold Schwarzenegger
  and Mel Gibson. Then my friend started a nosebleed
  (a not uncommon occurrence for him), but his mother
  was out of sight and we had no tissues between us.
  Thinking quickly, we followed signs to the bathroom
  as blood began to seep between the fingers clenched
  over his nose. Spotting an exit we dashed into a
  stairwell where, finally giving up, my friend leant
  over the rail and released his nose. An impressive
  fountain of blood gushed forth, but surely here it
  could do no harm? Unfortunately, the stairwell was
  not empty. Closer inspection revealed a flexible
  metal ladder descending from the ceiling above, and,
  dangling one floor below us as if from a helicopter,
  her trademark turquoise jumpsuit slowly staining
  purple and her lovely blonde hair now soiled with
  blood and snot, was the pride of Madame Tussauds'
  waxwork collection - the legendary Anneka Rice."
  (wellgroomedwookiee)
     
  * I GO WITH HO'S - "The bloodmobile had come to
  town and I was explaining to my team at work why I
  couldn't donate blood. Me: "I've recently had
  inoculations so they couldn't use my blood."
  Michelle: "Me too, they said I could give blood in
  a year or so though." Paul: "I couldn't give blood
  because I've recently had the 'flu." Ian: "They
  didn't want my blood because I've had sex with
  prostitutes..." Every head turned to look at Ian
  and our manager spat coffee over his keyboard."
  (Colonel Dracula)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  What priceless junk have you lost because someone
  just threw it out?? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thrownaway/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates 

  >> Periodic table of awesoments <<
  Useful reference to the 118 fundamental
  "awesoments" that compose all good things. You
  can predict how awesoments will interact by
  their relationship and position on the table.
http://www.dapperstache.com/index.php?contenttype=ptoa&title=ptoa


  >> Internet meme time line <<
  Comprehensive chronological arrangement of
  major internet memes. It's interesting looking
  back through to those olden days, when a
  dancing baby and a coffee pot were sufficient
  to hold the world rapt. We vainly tried to
  scroll into the future and save work compiling
  next week's newsletter.
http://www.dipity.com/user/tatercakes/timeline/Internet_Memes


  >> Wooden mirror <<
  Still using glass mirrors? Ha! You loser! Wood
  is for the win!
http://snipurl.com/iwood  [www_environmentalgraffiti_com] 


  >> Inanimate faces <<
  You know your car? That post-box? Your stereo?
  The plug socket? The zip on your trousers?
  They're ALL LAUGHING AT YOU! Put on your
  tinfoil hat!
http://flabbergastedly.com/?p=96


  >> eBay dirty laundry in public <<
  Scorned wife puts up an auction purely for the
  purpose of telling the world of her husband's
  cheating ways. AAA++ amusing read. Probably
  would not buy again though.
http://snipurl.com/ebastards  [cgi_ebay_com] 


  >> The quest for every beard <<
  This hirsute chap has made it his goal to grow
  and wear every type of facial hair ever to be
  catalogued. Basically, he's saved you months
  of effort to look like a dick-head - some
  styles are decidedly inferior to a naked chin. 
http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-types/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  You've Been Framed's rejected clips

  >> Dark Knight trailer by kids <<
  Promo for the latest Batman offering, acted
  entirely by children. Cute stuff. Next, an
  advert for Bugsy Malone performed by capering
  pensioners.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/dark_knight_trailer_done_by_kids


  >> The Electronic Frontier 1993 <<
  BBC Two documentary from Ye Olde Days of Yore.
  Fascinating glimpse of the pre-Web techie
  world with people talking about 'email' and
  'personal computers' and fearing the soaraway
  growth of something called 'Microsoft'.
http://snipurl.com/bbcwoo  [waxy_org] 


  >> Barack Roll <<
  A surprising amount of work has gone into
  chopping Obama footage to make a splendid new
  Rickroll. Truly, there's a frightening pool of
  misapplied talent out there.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65I0HNvTDH4


  >> Grandpa John's electric pickle <<
  Earnest science-type metaphor for allowing the
  power of Christianity into your life. We hope
  we are never touched by Jesus - it makes your
  juices boil out of you as your head catches on
  fire.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JYIJPjpCFc


  >> Slow-mo lightning <<
  Great lightning bolts crawl across the sky
  like big fat snakes. Clearly filmed by someone
  with a better camera than ours, it has made us
  want to stand out in the garden all night, in
  the hopes of photographing something amazing.
http://snipurl.com/knockofwood  [gizmodo_com] 


  >> Animal fights really rock <<
  Rambling commentary on the foibles of YouTube
  clips that has its cake and eats it. Includes
  many, many animals attacking and killing each
  other with glee, just as Mother Nature
  intended.
http://current.com/items/88958813_viral_video_film_school


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Happy as a dog with three (count them!) cocks 

  >> China's diving cock <<
  The logo for diving events at the Beijing
  Olympics rises proudly from the waters like a
  meaty Excalibur.
http://snipurl.com/cockyeah  [en_beijing2008_cn] 


  >> Billy McAnally <<
  80s Playgirl pinup with a curiously strange
  name - something for the ladies. Uh, NSFW btw.
  Not that we were looking.
http://snipurl.com/billymcanally  [www_blackdogue_net] 


  >> The giant knob forest <<
  Local myth says that if a couple sleep in the
  clearing at the head of the shaft, when they
  awake they will be covered in pine-smelling
  cum.
http://nytoo.rumandmonkey.com/b3ta/cdc_sm.jpg

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Recession Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see how life would 
  be changed by recession.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TELETEXT - b3ta is one of the first to feel
  the pinch (kingsuperspecial)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8630681

  * McQUEEN - our monarch takes to life
    behind the counter with great dignity
    (starkandy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8628140

  * NOTHING - nothing (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8628044

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/recession/


  >> New challenge: The Saddest Picture Ever <<
  This week's challenge is simple: make 
  us cry. We want to see the saddest 
  picture in the world, ever.
  Challenge suggested by doctor dyslexia. 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sad/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * RE: RETARDEX - "My dentist recommended
  'Retardex' mouthwash," grins Colonel Dracula.
  "At the following check-up after 6 months of
  using Retardex she told me my teeth were
  perfect and gave me a sticker with a big smiley
  face that said 'Patient of the day'. I am a
  31-year-old accountant, but I went back to work
  proudly wearing my sticker grinning like a
  mong. I still have the sticker. If I don't get
  a sticker next time I might just throw a
  tantrum."


  * DISSOLVING OYSTER CARDS and sticking them in
  watches or magic wands, as recommended a few
  issues back, could land you with a fine.
  Apparently it's now "the latest craze", which
  must make the ticket barriers fun at rush hour.
http://snipurl.com/oysterpoo  [london-underground_blogspot_com] 


  * THE WAR ON TERROR BOARDGAME is dangerous -
  official! A copy of b3tard Andrew Sheerin's
  satirical game has been confiscated by police
  as part of a climate change protesters' weapons
  cache.
http://snipurl.com/twatcrime  [www_independent_co_uk] 


  * WEBCAM AIR DRUMKIT - "Saw an interesting air
  drum idea in your last issue... so... I thought
  I would have a go, raps Wayne. "Try: waving
  crazy hands or 'standing in the middle' of shot
  or pointing cam at desk and fingers." Didn't
  work for us - maybe your luck will be better.
http://glulogic.co.uk/sites/default/files/as3/DrumAnimal.swf


  * RECTAL CANCER IS NOT FUNNY snarls
  neilasharples. "I would not wish it on anyone.
  So ya fucking weirdos I hope your balls turn
  black, shrivel and disappear up yer arses." Ah
  well, can't please all of the people all of the
  time. "Consider me unsubscribed," he continues,
  somewhat redundantly.


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME

  Write a flash game and win £5k

  The competition at E4 continues, and your
  newsletter team are in week 3 of writing their
  game. We're doing this to encourage YOU to
  enter, if that's not clear enough!
http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-03.html

  Looking for an actual game rather than our sexy
  blitherings? Then try this - it's mental.
http://b3ta.com/links/Its_Intensely_annoying_Japanese_game_time

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CAPITAL ONE CARD PRINTING - you can now and
  your images printed on your credit card. The
  T&Cs basically say nothing naughty, so can you
  game it? We reckon the trick is to use
  symbolism that is obscure to the average
  punter, e.g. The Shocker.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shocker_(hand_gesture)

  * MAKE A BULLDOG OUT OF BULLDOG CLIPS - but
  watch out, he nips.

  * SELOTAPEY FOOD EXPERIMENT - store your food
  by wrapping it in sellotape instead of cling
  film. How long does it stay fresh? What does it
  taste like? When you get your sandwiches out at
  work, what looks do you get?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Phlegmcake,
  lusoman, We are the lemon, john s duffy,
  TommyShanks, and sarahahahah. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via the
  great architect.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Authors! Get your book mentioned in the B3ta
  newsletter by name-checking us in your novels.
  'Tartan noir' writer Christopher Brookmyre has
  done just that in crime satire A Snowball in
  Hell. The serial killer protagonist posts proof
  of his crimes on t'internet. "Christ," he
  comments, "The guys at B3ta were using stills
  from the video for sick jokes an hour after it
  went up."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316027634/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

  SICKIPEDIA:
  I'm one of those people that likes to have a
  shit while I'm reading. This is also the reason
  why I'm banned from Waterstones.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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