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NEWSLETTER: "SPINNING ORIENTAL PEOPLE ROUND AND MAKING THEM DISORIENTATED"

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This Week:
* ART - Your piss-poor recreations 
* COMMON PEOPLE - Your opinion matters
* HEADLINES - Made you look, made you stare

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're shaving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       plebs... together"

B3ta email £3.50 - 17 Oct 2008

Available on AOL via keyword "twats"
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue350/

      Winners:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Sinners:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: BREAKING NEWS
  Sponsored linky
 
  A suspect attack has happened in Hyde Park. 
  Reports flooding in confirm scenes of mass
  hysteria and confusion followed by a series of
  suspected unexplained suicides.  Early reports
  suggest a link to a deadly toxin that has been
  released. Source still unconfirmed.
 
  Read more...
http://tinyurl.com/5cdnez

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Comics, Clay, Catchphrases and Soup

  >> Miso <<
  Joel hungers for noodles and is ultra-pleased
  with this, arguably the lamest joke you can
  make about a Japanese restaurant in North-East
  London. You'll groan too.
http://rathergood.com/miso/


  >> Recession comix <<
  Ben Wheatley's been jotting down depressing,
  little, misanthropic thoughts and has made a
  comic out of them. We particularly liked 'Stone
  Cold Killa'.
http://snurl.com/wheatley  [issuu_com]   


  >> Jib Jab claymation <<
  The latest batch of singing, dancing stuff from
  Rob and Dave is online. We're particularly
  pleased with this lot, as we experimented with
  claymation and it came out nicer than we'd
  hoped. Check out Snowman or Stupid Clients
  (which is a thinly-disguised plasticine Rob). 
http://www.robmanuel.com/2008/10/16/more-jibjab/


  >> "Get in the Back of the Van!" <<
  Swedemason has made a new vid. "It's just that
  bit from Withnail & I looped a bit," he
  confesses, "But seems to have some strange
  power. Have a look when you get a sec."
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=9GGc7KcvqtE


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Spoilt little brats

  Last week we wanted to know how your life had
  been ruined by whiny, spoilt little brats:
http://b3ta.com/questions/spoiltbrats/

  We've left out the story of the kid who crushed
  two kittens rather than let someone else have
  them to bring you these:
 
  * VICTORIA - "was studying classics but found
  studying at university to be 'trying'.
  Highlights of her stay included: * adding a
  pizza to our order and then refusing to pay for
  it because she 'only had a little pizza and we
  could sort it out'; * refusing to pay for
  fairly-split gas and electricity bills as 'she
  didn't use any' (switching off her radiator and
  disconnecting her room from the electricity
  soon got results); * trying to get us to agree
  to have one of her horses in the back garden,
  living out of a trailer. We said no but she had
  the horse brought down anyway. She soon had him
  taken back to her stables when we called the
  RSPCA to come and inspect our property and they
  threatened to prosecute her. In the end we
  kicked her out. Then we had a party. Then we
  were sick. Then we went to McDonalds. Then we
  were sick again." (powervator)
     
  * OLIVIA - "We had a huge turn over of trainee
  accountants at a previous job. The partners
  employed trainees less on their potential to
  become accountants and rather more on the
  ability of their tits to defy gravity. I
  suggested I ask some technical questions at the
  next interview. Olivia. She was absolutely
  stunning and the partners were dribbling down
  their ties at the sight of her. Even though her
  CV read like a list of the world's most
  pointless subjects the interview lasted an hour
  longer than any of the other candidates. She'd
  been head girl at school, captain of the hockey
  team, had a pony and had completed a WHOLE week
  of work experience at Daddy’s company. We heard
  a lot about Daddy and his company. Then it was
  my turn to ask my technical questions. Let's
  see if you can answer them, but be warned, they
  are a bit technical: 'Hello Olivia.' *Eyelashes
  flutter* 'How did you get here today?' 'Umm,
  Daddy gave me a lift.' 'How will you be getting
  home?' 'Daddy is waiting for me outside' 'If we
  were to offer you the role, how would you get
  to work every day?' 'I... I don’t know.' The
  moronic fuckers still wanted to hire her,
  saying that she seemed keen. I managed to
  convince them that the 18-year-old lad with
  A-Levels in accountancy & law might just be a
  more suitable candidate. He had also passed my
  technical questions with flying colours, having
  driven to the park and ride and caught the bus
  into town, all without the aid of his Daddy."
  (Colonel Dracula)

  * GOLDEN SHOWER - "On holiday in Germany, we
  had nipped into the local supermarket for
  sausages. As we waited patiently in the queue,
  in the next aisle a guy in his late 20s was
  getting quite visibly irritated. Why? Behind
  him was a Uber Brat. Uber Brat had decided that
  waiting was boring and so had taken control of
  the shopping trolley and was banging it into
  this guy's ankles. After a few minutes the guy
  asked 'Please could you get your child to stop
  running the trolley into me, it hurts.' The
  mother's reply is the kinda of stuff that
  breeds future serial killers: 'I never tell him
  to stop doing anything, I allow him to express
  himself.' The guy stood there astonished, as we
  all were. Uber Brat, now with the backing of
  the woman that spawned him, drove the trolley
  as hard as he could into the guy's ankles. So
  the guy picked up a jar of honey he was waiting
  to purchase and tipped it over the kid's head,
  saying, 'Well I am expressing myself too." The
  look on the face of Brat was priceless,
  everybody started clapping and they left,
  leaving behind a golden snail trail.' (Wavo)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Is it dinner, supper or tea? Is it a lounge, a
  sitting room or a parlour. Is it a brothel, a
  knocking shop or work? What do you think of as
  common?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/common/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Upside-down dogs <<
  Webby weirdness has a new face - and it is the
  surprised but strangely pleased expression
  pulled by dogs as they lie on their backs.
http://upsidedowndogs.com/


  >> Mucking about with banknotes <<
  Arty farts scrawling clown faces and
  philosophical questions onto banknotes before
  releasing them 'back into the wild' to buy soda
  and twinkies or whatever. We like the ones
  folded to make the Queen and Darwin wear tiny
  dunce's caps.
http://www.de-noted.com/index.php


  >> Chicken bone art <<
  Here's the new creative for the KFC campaign
  sorted. Macabre vignettes made from the
  gnawed-on remnants of Colonel Sanders' fine
  poultry products.
http://snurl.com/creative-kfc-art  [kumhianao_com] 


  >> Dumbest Web 2.0 names <<
  Bloke lists his top 15 worst-chosen names by
  internet startups, ranging from the meaningless
  to the unpronounceable. Ha! B3ta laughs at
  those losers. 
http://snurl.com/the-15-dumbest  [thenextweb_org] 


  >> Mantyhose <<
  Tights. Tights for men. Why should women get
  all the fun? Anyway, the weather's getting too
  nippy for bare-legged hotpants.
http://www.e-mancipate.net/
 

  >> Digeridoos could save your life <<
  Well perhaps that's a bit strong, but the NHS
  advocates taking up the digeridoo to combat
  sleep apnoea:
http://snurl.com/digeridoos  [www_nhsdirect_nhs_uk] 


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: BONUS SPONSORED LINKY WOOS

  Buying presents is always a tricky task. The
  cost for getting it wrong can be huge...
http://tinyurl.com/l3g3nds


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Now with 50% less jokes

  >> Involuntary cunt <<
  CNN presenter Kyra Phillips loses control of
  her tongue introducing a political
  correspondent.
http://www.dlisted.com/node/28778


  >> Pop-up music vid <<
  The song we can take or leave (okay, we hated
  it) but the pop-up book-based video made us
  gnash our teeth and flare our nostrils with
  jealous rage.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXM5LGfpmrE


  >> "Why Must I Cry?" <<
  We're guessing rapper Rehdogg is deaf, which
  might explain his unique vocal style. It
  doesn't, however, make it any clearer why the
  cameraman is chasing him into the shower as he
  soaps himself up. Gave us the fear.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=8mWW6kRITEY


  >> Awesome peeler <<
  Kitchen utensil gets the same advertising
  treatment as men's razors. It looks like a
  comedy sketch but we're assured it isn't.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=VzqTTP3-8RE


  >> Literal Head Over Heals <<
  "Hey," beams Brady, "Just wanted to let you
  know that the maker of the hilarious 'literal
  Aha' video has a new one on funnyordie.com. I
  think it's right up your readers' alley so I
  wanted to make sure you knew about it. Hope you
  enjoy!" This time Tears For Fears get the
  literal treatment.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6342db2270


  >> McCain drums <<
  Here's the solution to people switching off
  during party political broadcasts: Just stick
  their heads on top of someone doing something
  interesting, like a cool drum solo. Most clips
  on the web are too long - this left us
  wanting more.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1884021


  >> Final Countdown on kazoo <<
  Europe's mighty 'Final Countdown' brought to
  you on an instrument that combines the
  earth-shattering power of the kazoo, the ukulele
  and the baby piano. *throws rock devil horns*
http://snurl.com/kazookeylele  [www_monkeyreview_co_uk] 


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  The sexiest bit of the newsletter!

  * CUNT EXAMINATION - This is what you get when
  your hospital hires a translator with Tourette's.
http://www.imagetitan.info/images/7j35o7ywu90f1m6t1opw.jpg

  * FEAST OF THE ASS - No wonder Christianity's
  in trouble when it holds scary-sounding
  festivals like this. It's January 14th: Do you
  know where your ass is?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feast_of_the_Ass

  * CRUDELY-DRAWN COG - BBC News 24 graphic
  depicts the world's money markets in strangely
  phallic form
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3046/2936546060_05c3cdba55.jpg?v=0

  * ATOM COCK - The Atomic Weapons Establishment
  logo seems to imply the power of nukes will
  grant us gigantic wrap-around penises. We can't
  wait to wear ours like scarfs.
http://www.awe.co.uk/links/logo.gif


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Save the Economy Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to send us some money,
  and did you fuck? Nope, you did a load of
  photoshopping instead.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * NIP-PUNS FROM NIPPON - all the news you need
  and more from the Japanese stock exchange (DWC)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8822168

  * ALL YOUR BANKS - are belong to us
  (Supergyrations)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8817154

  * LOAN - suddenly, the 419 scam looks more like
  a serious business proposition (hYpe)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8819003

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/savebanking/

  >> New challenge: Recreating Art <<
  Using anything but the arts package on your
  computer, recreate some real-world art using
  everyday objects. Examples: melt some clocks in
  the oven to do some Dali, or shape the Venus de
  Milo out of mashed potato. Anything is
  possible. Challenge suggested by Monkeon.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realart/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * BACKWARDS PRODUCT NAMES - "Terrifyingly
  enough, Ryanair backwards is Rianayr," shudder
  Crane the Crane. This is probably so its
  readable in your rear view mirror when one of
  their planes is coming up behind you on the
  motorway.

  * BACKWARDS PRODUCT NAMES II - Asia
  correspondent Jon Antonovics writes to inform
  us that "the least crap brand of beer in China
  is called Reeb. Embarrassing thing is, it took
  me months of drinking the stuff before I got
  why it had such a weird non-Chinese sounding
  name."

  * DEAD BABY DEER - Chart Cat bears sad tidings:
  Rupert the baby fawn from last week's
  newsletter has died. Enjoyable pathos on the
  blog post:
http://snurl.com/deadness  [www_bestweekever_tv] 

  * LADIES LOVE BALL SWEAT? Dave the Explosive
  Newt wades into the murky world of using
  pheromones to attract the opposite sex. "I
  can't remember the reference off the top of my
  head, but one group showed that women did find
  a scent laced with testosterone more attractive
  - but only if they weren't virgins. The
  conclusion was that associating testosterone
  with sex was a learned response, with the
  inference that this increases with more sex. So
  I guess it depends who you're planning on
  attracting..."

  * ODD MESSAGEBOARD HOMAGE - to leave on a high
  note, here's VampireMonkeyOnSpeed's excellent 
  Saturday morning cartoon, crammed full of
  old-school b3ta messageboard memes. Prepare
  yourself for 'The Super Battling Mighty Mega
  Ultra Phunamic Morphing Wonder Power Robo B3ta
  Rangertron Team Squadron Episode 1'.
http://www.zxbadger.com/flash/redux.php


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Blocks with Letters On

  Dull name, great game. Push the blocks round a
  maze until you get them to spell a word. The
  animations when you complete a level are funny
  too.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/Morpheme/blocks-with-letters-on


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something shit hot and tell us about it.
  If you are in it then people will see your
  stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HOW MUCH SELLOTAPE... do you need to climb up
  a wall like some Tesco Value Spiderman.

  * SCOPE PROTESTING AGAINST MADONNA - for her
  "emotional retard" comment as retards don't
  appreciate being compared to Guy Ritchie.

  * CELEBRITY PERFUME QUIZ - Glow - J-lo or Mel
  Smith? Kate - Kate Moss or Kate McCann? etc.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by C-Bean, deets, Matt
  L, smirt, trentsteel, user440, Duff man, Furey,
  pc600. Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Apples are the best cure for coffee breath.
  (Setimret)

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of
  pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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