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NEWSLETTER: "JONATHAN ROSS AND RUSSELL BRAND PLACED ON SACHS OFFENDERS REGISTER"

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This Week:
* DIET - Lose weight with rhyming food
* ANIM - The Beetard
* SEASONAL - Fruity Halloween

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 352 - 31 Oct 2008

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue352/

         Sub Sub:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Doves:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!

  See the internet through the eyes of Family Guy
  sexual deviant Glenn Quagmire. Get clicky!
http://tinyurl.com/quagmireit


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Spend your ad money with Google, not us.
  *reverse psychology 101*
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Diet, Lanterns, Beetards and Crack

  >> The OCD Diet <<
  "The OCD Diet doesn't require that you count
  calories or grams of fat," explains creator
  oucheh. "There is no restriction on quantities
  or carbs, sugar or salt. The one single
  requirement is that you eat only foods in
  combinations that rhyme." Some truly terrifying
  concoctions here - what sort of person readily
  eats Lambs' Heart Treacle Tart??
http://ocddiet.weebly.com


  >> Fruity Halloween lanterns <<
   Meanderthal muses, "For a while now I've
   wondered what other vegetables are suitable
   for carving into jack o'lanterns. Well... I
   went and found out." Invaluable research,
   should you find yourself with a full fruit
   bowl and evil spirits yet to foil.
http://possiblypossible.blogspot.com/


  >> The Beetard <<
  "I've made a new thing," huzzahs Joel. "Say
  hello to The Beetard! It is, of course, named
  after the denizens of b3ta. A happy, happy,
  little chap if ever there was one."
http://rathergood.com/beetard/


  >> Honking on Your Crack Pipe <<
  "I've just made a music video featuring
  plasticine monsters with foul mouths singing a
  song about a crack pipe," explains Andy Martin.
  Look at their horrid little black-and-white
  tongues. Eww.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=acWqqn19x0g


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Money's too tight to mention

  Last week we asked you about tightwads,
  skinflints, and what we used to call "jews"
  when we were about eight and had no idea that
  such comments were racist.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/tightwads/

  * BLOKEY COMPLAINS ABOUT CRAP VALENTINE GIFT -
  despite this getting all of the votes this
  week, we'd LOVE to get cheese as a Valentine's
  gift. Cheese fucking rocks man.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/tightwads/post289073
     
  * DAD INSTALLS PAPYPHONE - worth a click from
  us as the official B3ta Dad always threatened
  to do this. Well, actually to our sister, as
  she was the one who had friends.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/tightwads/post286397
     
  * WEBCAM DAD - "I know someone who set up a
  webcam facing his leccy meter, so he could
  instantly shout at his kids to turn off
  whatever they had just turned on if it started
  to go any faster." (thitc)


  >> This Week's Question: eccentrics <<
  Today we're after tales of idiosyncratic,
  unusual or odd behaviour. You know, nutters,
  but not ones who've actually been posted off to
  the fruit-loop fire station.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Meat sculpture <<
  Selection of exquisite but unsettlingly porky
  objets d'art. Made us do a little sick in our
  mouths.
http://snurl.com/meatywoo  [www_eatmedaily_com] 


  >> Sweary Twitter <<
  A constantly-refreshing stream of people
  swearing on Twitter. Good selection of random
  exasperation.
http://cursebird.com/


  >> People hate Peaches Geldof <<
  No surprise there, but there's an extraordinary
  amount of vitriol poured over her debut column
  in fashion mag Nylon. Mind you, it is shit.
http://www.nylonmag.com/?section=article&parid=2154


  >> Disney ghost town <<
  Screengrabs of some of the amazing background
  work used by Disney's animators over the years.
  Its kind of eerie though - you almost expect to
  get to the bottom of the page and find Mickey
  there, swinging from a noose.
http://animationbackgrounds.blogspot.com/


  >> Annette Krankie's shaved hatestrip <<
  Go to the Krankies' website, find the last
  image on the bottom grid. Click it. Gasp at the
  horror!
http://krankies.moonfruit.com/#/photos/4515361522


  >> Other uses for books <<
  A wealth of ideas here, if you enjoy buying
  books but don't like reading them. 
http://snurl.com/jackthebookripper  [www_offbeatearth_com] 


  >> Inventive paint-based game <<
  Sadly, it's not out yet but we were impressed
  by the idea behind Unfinished Swan. Basically,
  everything's completely white and you can only
  find your way around by chucking black paint
  over it all.
http://iandallas.com/games/swan/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Things move, people lol

  >> Acapella Thriller <<
  Two and a half months' work multitrack
  recording in order to mildly amuse you for a
  minute or three. Too much effort for too little
  payoff? This bloke would disagree.
http://snurl.com/thrilling-really  [www_noob_us] 


  >> Wassup 2008 <<
  Reunion of guys from the annoying catchphrase
  ad of yesteryear. Enjoyed seeing the
  unfortunate paths their lives had taken. The
  twist ending left us feeling a bit funny
  though. VOTE THATCHER.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wassup_2008


  >> Electric shock dance <<
  Blokey tapes electrodes to his face, so he can
  twitch in time to bleepy electronic music. Not
  recommended for use with speed metal.  
http://snurl.com/put-this-on-yer-nads  [www_b3ta_com] 


  >> Tetris theme on bottles <<
  What it says on the tin and all the more lovely
  for it. Unsettling quality to this; we can't
  tell if it's because they've speeded stuff up
  or chopped things out. Or maybe they're all
  ghosts. WoooOOOooo.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tetris_theme_played_on_bottles


  >> Infomercial cockup <<
  Hapless QVC guy tries to flog a telly while
  Charlie Brooker's Ten Biggest Cocks in
  Advertising repeatedly pops up on its outsized
  screen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPKRs3LF88M

 
  >> Interactive mirror/monitor thing <<
  Amazing wall-mounted looking glass that reacts
  to your touch, allowing you to play Space
  Invaders or surf for porn even as you touch up
  your guyliner for that big date with Madam Palm.
http://vimeo.com/1867956?pg=embed&sec=1867956


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Suicide is the only way out now
  
  * IRA TATOR, THE ESTATE AGENT - "OK - if this
  link doesn't make next week's newsletter, I'll
  eat my hat," claims mk1. We were tempted to
  hold the link back in the hope that hat-eating
  might prove to be more entertaining than
  another 'funny' name but we suspect mk1 is
  fibbing. 
http://www.foresthill.com/agentinfo.php?id=202


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: HUMAN ZOO
  Long-haired dude
  
  200 photos of some overweight, hirsute guy and
  his various hair styles, well there's only a
  couple really: braids and bangs. He's also very
  sweaty and doesn't appear to leave his garage.
  If you're not already wanking then we don't
  know our readers.
http://snurl.com/pretty-so-pretty  [www_flickr_com] 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Extreme Horses Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to pimp horses.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * IRON HORSE - the crime-fighting nag looking
  swish in his power suit (scratchresistor)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8864780

  * PUNNAGE - retarded yet charming wordplay from
  (chunderbunny)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8866357

  * HORSE DRAWN - look! look at the nice talented
  horsey! (Puromycin)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8862621

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremehorses/


  >> New challenge: The US Election <<
  Americans go to the polls this week to elect a
  new leader of the free world, and it's our
  responsibility to make the entire process look
  as silly as possible. So that's the challenge.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/election/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * VENN THAT TUNE THANK-YOU MUG - Andrew Viner,
  author of a comedy book we bigged-up last week
  was so pleased about our mention he sent us a
  mug with our name on it. If this could be
  standard policy from now on - we want mugs from
  EVERYONE we link to. Backdated to 2001.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/2986653890/


  * SOMEONE READS OUR ADVERTISING?! - "I entered
  that contest for current.com that you had a
  couple of weeks ago," confesses Steve Wilson,
  "I think it's pretty funny and you could use it
  as proof that your advertising works and get
  more piles of money from corporate shills so
  please put it in the newsletter.  Did I mention
  I really need the money since I'm out of work
  after having my spine bolted together (cue
  sympathy music)"
http://current.com/items/89437206_how_not_to_die


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Short-term memory

  Heathens who believe in 'science' rather than
  God reckon that your short-term memory can only
  store 7 items before its DNA devolves into
  monkeys. Prove them wrong with this memorable
  puzzler.
http://neutralx0.net/home/mini04.html


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * 80s NUMBER 1 INTRO MIX - remember that song
  intro MP3 that did the rounds a few years back?
  Can someone do one of every UK number 1 of the
  80s, in order. We just fancy hearing it and
  can't be arsed to do it ourselves. Cheers.

  * WE'RE ALWAYS GETTING HOLES IN OUR SOCKS -
  what about a sock puncture repair kit?

  * DWARF TOSSING - masturbate a midget to
  completion. Oh gawd, this bloody section. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  disdainfully at everything you send us.


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  808-State:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com MC
  Tunes:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS ANTS. THANTS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by s.jarvis,
  leningrad. Top Tippery by insanemaniac.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Bumtrinkets to b4ta. (.)(.)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Cookies are 1 part sugar to 1 part butter to 2
  parts flour, mixed, then baked at 180 degrees
  for about 12 mins.

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  SICKIPEDIA:

  The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery
  firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
  They sent me Diana Ross. 
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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