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NEWSLETTER: "HOW DOES IT CHANGE MANY DYSLEXICS TO TAKE A LIGHT-BULB?"

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This Week:
* SELLOTAPE - Tesco Value Spiderman
* VIDEO - What it feels like to be immolated
* CHALLENGE - The Daily Mail!?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're raving we're
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      raving... the web"

B3ta "e-post" 354 - 13 Nov 2008

L@@K!! RARE NEWSLETTER!! GAY INTEREST!! 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue354/

     12" remix:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Mashup:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  You lot vs the world

  >> Spiderman vs Sellotape <<
  "A couple of newsletters back B3ta asked how
  much sticky tape it would take to climb a
  wall?" spluffs Tom Scott, "It, er, it doesn't
  work all that well. My arm hair's steadily
  growing back." Wow, and for an encore can you
  catch a pig and eat it by injecting it with
  digestive enzymes then drinking it like soup?
  Please?
http://www.tomscott.com/spiderman/


  >> Joel Veitch vs pigs <<
  Pork talk 101: 
  * Babe - The quite wondrous film that turned a
  nation of toddlers vegetarian - didn't receive
  a theatrical release in Malaysia. It wasn't
  halal. 
  * Pigs do not have functional sweat glands.
  Unlike Joel who has 2 million. 
  * Joel's new song is rather amusing.
http://rathergood.com/pigs/


  >> Stephen Fry vs Jay-Z <<
  Jay-Z, or Mr Beyonce as almost nobody calls him
  has "99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One".
  Unless, that is, the bitch is WordBomb who's
  synced up the 2003 smash with a Stephen Fry
  interview. We hope Jay-Z puts a cap in his ass.
  A contraceptive cap that is, as we all know Fry
  supports safe sex. (Although he did get AIDS in
  Peter's Friends.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_best_thing_weve_ever_made


  >> Fire vs camera <<
  Morrissey once sang, "Now I know how Joan of
  Arc felt as the flames rose to her Roman nose
  and her Walkman started to melt." And now? You
  can know too, in this brilliantly-conceived
  project from Tim 'politi-lols' Ireland who's
  made a Guy with a CCTV for a head, then filmed
  from within a bonfire.
http://snurl.com/ouchyouchy  [www_b3ta_com] 


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Last week: Stuff you've found 

  You know the score: we ask questions and you
  tell us lies. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes
  it's pages and pages of brain-freezing meh.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/found/

  * WE FOUND A TROLL - "A group of friends decide
  to spend a day on acid. One of them doesn't
  want to partake and says he'll pop round and
  see them later when it's all stopped being a
  bit too mental.

  "He calls round at the house early evening
  where the group of friends live. One of them
  opens up the door with massive saucer eyes and
  a slightly worried look on his face. He beckons
  the non drugged chap inside.

  "The straight guy (Mark) asks how their day
  went, and the guy who is still clearly off his
  gourd on ecstasy pipes and looking seriously
  worried whispers 'We found a troll'.

  "Mark decides to humour him and carries on by
  asking where they found it. He replies 'We
  found it in the playground of the local park,
  it was just sitting there, so we brought it
  home.'

  "So Mark asks if he could see the troll. 'Yeah,
  it's in the kitchen' comes the reply.

  "Mark nervously opens the kitchen door, not
  knowing what he might find. What he sees,
  sitting on a stool and happily munching
  biscuits, is... a man with Downs Syndrome.

  "They had actually taken this poor guy home
  with them. After pissing himself with laughter,
  Mark did the right thing and found out where
  this guy lived and took him home." (drshipman)

     
  * DOLPHIN/BMX -"Walking on the beach, I found
  a dolphin's arse (or possibly a porpoise). I
  say 'arse' - it was kind of the section from
  the back of its fin to the start of where its
  tail should be. Next to the arse was a bent BMX
  bike.

  "I expect they were just randomly washed up
  together, but I like to think they were the
  tragic result of a dolphin's over-ambitious BMX
  stunt." (superscape)


  * DON'T READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEEL SAD - "I
  found an old camcorder tape. Well, when I say
  camcorder, it was a battered Amstrad affair
  from the days before the word 'camcorder' even
  existed. A camera that was powered by my dad's
  car-battery charger.

  "Anyway, the tape was one of those that goes
  into a standard-size VHS cassette so you can
  watch the tapes on a normal VCR. Who said Alan
  Sugar produces shite?

  "I'd given up hope and thought the tape was
  gone for good, but I found it in the VHS
  'caddy' in an old VCR in the loft. I rigged it
  up and played the tape.

  "A few seconds of that snow and the picture
  came on. Still of good quality.

  "It was footage my mother had recorded in 1993
  of my eldest brother (who passed away nearly 7
  years ago of some diabetes-related
  complication) helping my first-born learn to
  walk.

  "I cried a little. and then some more."
  (Maudlin McCann)

     
  >> This Week: Procrastination <<
  We'd like you to, um, well there's these pens
  on the desk we like spinning, ooh our favourite
  blog has a new post, gosh is it time for lunch
  already?
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/procrastination/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Pretty lady! <<
  Men, if you ever get a special girl, make sure
  you post pics of her in a bikini on your
  favourite body-building website. We've been
  sent this link ooh 5 times this week; there's
  something here people are finding funny but we
  hesitate to spell it out. Those in glass houses
  should not mention Brian Peppers and all that.
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=111777031


  >> Ladies who lunch <<
  Like drug addicts looking for fresh highs, keen
  masturbators are always looking for new
  material to make that tug feel like the first
  spooge they ever had. Well, look no further:
  what you need is young ladies drinking cups of
  tea. Ooh, they might burn their lips! ...The
  erotic possibilities are simply endless.
http://teabirds.blogspot.com/


  >> Spider email vs. bank <<
  We can't stand our bank. Every time we visit
  they try to flog us a "Gold" account, which
  doesn't mean free Terry's All Gold when we
  withdraw cash but free travel insurance for
  only £15 per month. It's got to the point where
  we visibly shudder on passing the branch.
  Anyway, loving this bit of bank-baiting whimsy.
http://franksemails.com/pics/spider-payment/


  >> 50 strange buildings <<
  Nice big chunk of architectural whimsey. If you
  like looking at images of unusual dwellings
  you're well catered-for here. The Luxor casino
  looks pretty bog-standard in amongst this lot.
http://villageofjoy.com/50-strange-buildings-of-the-world/


  >> Wooden brain <<
  NHS managers! Looking for product ideas to sell
  in your hospital-based gift shops? Simply rip
  off this fantastic idea: glue some MRI scans to
  a few wooden blocks, and it'll make a great
  puzzle that your patients can take home as a
  lovely souvenir of their brain cancer
  experience. 
http://neil.fraser.name/news/2008/01/04/


  >> Geeky marketing stuff <<
  Bloke notices signs on lawns advertising
  websites and uncovers a multi-million pound
  business that almost no-one has heard of.
  Useful background info for those of us that end
  up in awful endless conversions about the
  margins of marketing. Er, that's just us then.
http://snurl.com/for_the_nerds  [themetricsystem_rjmetrics_com] 


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Hedgehog wears a hat

  Famous hat-wearers include The Edge from U2
  (hides his bald spot) and G'n'R's Axl Rose (for
  similar reasons). So what does this little
  hedgehog have to hide? Perhaps he should comb
  his spines over instead.
http://snurl.com/cutewethink  [www_hedgehogcentral_com] 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Adding the letters "un" to the word "funny"

  * MATRIX RUNNING ON WINDOWS - oh pity poor
  Microsoft, their brand has become such
  shorthand for crap that we were grinning even
  before watching the video.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1886349


  * SQUIRRELS DANCING TO JACKO - nice bit of
  video editing for which we couldn't suppress a
  smile. SQUIRREL FACT: their meat is more tender
  than chicken. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A2moFdM1Yo


  * DIZZEE RASCAL ON PAXMAN - quite who's doing
  the booking on Newsnight these days? Jo Whiley?
  Mr Rascal seems more than a bit out of his
  depth but comes across quite well as he
  cheerfully blags his way through.
http://snurl.com/hahahahahahaha  [www_b3ta_com] 


  * IN YOUR FACE OBAMA -  Adam Buxtom 'shops his
  gob onto Barack's lips for some DIY lols. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/IN_YOUR_FACE


  * 500 IMPRESSIONS IN TWO MINUTES - we're
  thinking of tackling a similar one, if only we
  could think of 500 famous gingers.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/500_Impressions_in_2_Minutes


  * THE FUTURE OF ALL FILMING - Loving this 360
  degree camera. Imagine being able to control
  the camera from the edit. That, dear reader,
  that would be heaven.
http://proteinos.com/blogs/2008/03/immersive-360-degree-video


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Long, slow depression has set in

  * SECRET PENIS - "Saw this advertised on the TV
  today (channel FIVE in the UK). The design of
  the 3-pack looks like a cock, and what's more
  it's heading for someone's arse!" (kevinleah)
http://snk.co.nz/files/images/CuraHeat_prod_0.preview.jpg


  * MR & MRS BIG COCK  -"This was a wedding
  announcement in my local newspaper."
  (brian_shuford)
http://snurl.com/cockylols  [www_shelbystar_com] 


  * BEST ORAL - "It's fun seeing the words BJ
  Champion scrawled across the side of a
  church." ([DTMX])
http://www.bjchampion.co.uk/


  * ANOTHER CROTCH REFENECE = "Sir Jock Stirrup,
  British Chief of the Defence Staff"
  (cynthiakennedy)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jock_Stirrup


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Macho Challenge

  Last week we wanted you design products for
  real men.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * GILLETTE - five blades? That's for ladies.
  This is a proper shave (addickted)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8908303

  * TABASCO - the Chuck Norris range of facial
  products proves to be a tough sell (blowfelt)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8909162  

  * MANDRILL - the ultimate in power-tool
  pornography (PointlessCamel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8909841

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/macho/


  >> New challenge: The Daily Mail <<
  B3ta is issuing you a three-word challenge: The
  Daily Mail. Challenge suggested by The Great
  Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dailymail/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * COOKIES WIN! -  "Top Tip Success. I tried
  your Top Tip in issues 352 and have to say my
  biccies were very nice. Although I had to make
  a little addition to the recipe and increase
  the cooking time." (goldenlad)
http://flickr.com/photos/goldenlad/3016228212/


  * OCD DIET SUCCESS - "Haha.. thanks for posting
  my OCD Diet in your newsletter. It seems I've
  caused quite an Internet storm. It really comes
  to something when NBC have nothing better to do
  than take someone like me seriously!" (oucheh)
http://snurl.com/ocdfoodystuff  [www_nbcchicago_com] 


  * PUB STYLE PEANUT BUTTER - "In Los Angeles
  branches of Whole Foods, the hippy grocery shop
  that I never go to ever, there is a machine to
  make your own peanut butter. Similar to the
  coffee grinding machines, you just stick a tub
  underneath, and peanuts in the top. The oil in
  the nuts makes it creamy. I guess doing it with
  dry roasted would add flavour. What about pork
  scratchings?" (mjp)


  * HELLO CUNTY - diyjoe whom some of you will
  remember for his many swearing projects of past
  times writes, "The ex-president of internet
  swearing returns, and bringeth with him new
  wonders from the land of profanity. Introducing
  'Hello Cunty' - powered by the Twunt500, the
  artificially intelligent swearing mainframe."
http://www.hellocunty.com


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Caption the photo

  Think you're funny? The challenge is to write a
  lol-worthy caption for a random photo in under
  a minute, and beat the other players in the
  round. We absolutely loved playing this and
  this week we've found ourselves coming back
  time and time again.
http://captionx.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something super-wicked and tell us about
  it. If you are in it then people will see your
  stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HOW OLD WERE THEY WHEN THEY DID THAT? John
  Lennon was 26 when he wrote 'I am the Walrus'.
  Hitler was 50 when he invaded Poland. We want a
  site where people can upload facts and make
  themselves feel bad (or good) about their lack
  of relative accomplishments.  

  * TOILET PISS MEASURER - who knows how much you
  piss? It could be 50ml or a litre, as bogs keep
  the water on a level there's no easy way of
  telling. We demand change. 

  * BUILD A GARDEN SHED WITH LEGO - and live in
  it for a week. Complete with lego bog.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Sub:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Dom:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob "Urban Mole"
  Manuel with David "scribbletits" Stevenson.
  We're not rapists, we're just a bit deaf, You
  can't arrest us, that's discrimination. Stuff
  sent in by win_daddy. Top Tippery by MeekMan.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser "THE WORD, Word, word..." Lewry. Mike
  "Rimed Tinker" Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol
  via andy19chelsea.

  
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  TOP TIP:
  Always sleep on an angry letter. When you wake
  up, if you still feel like sending it, you're
  bound to have thought up loads more hurtful
  things to put in it while you slept.

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  When Barack Obama was performing his speech
  after being elected as president, he had to do
  it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
  I thought that was a bit harsh - just because
  he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot
  anyone.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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