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NEWSLETTER: "ANOTHER WEEK OF OUR PATHETIC LIVES SQUANDERED"

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This Week:
* TOY - The Youtube Dubber
* VEITCH - in funnyish song shock 
* RETRO GAMING - a rap tribute

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're saving Private 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       Ryan... together"

B3ta "love coupon" 366 - 19 Feb 2009

Speak this issue with your Kurzweil 3000.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue366/

           WD40:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Lard:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  I'm a Celebrity, Don't Run Me Over

  Think you could resist running George Bush
  over? Play I'm a Celebrity, Don't Run Me Over
  and find out: 
http://tinyurl.com/r8urm8


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Toys, songs and japes for Nazis

  >> The Youtube Dubber <<
  Clever Bobsworth has made a thing that lets you
  add the soundtrack from any youTube video to
  the video of any other. Huzzah!
http://snurl.com/teletubbiesvsramstein


  >> Bullion! <<
  Joel is branching out into financial advice
  with this message for credit crunch-stricken
  savers: Buy bullion!
http://rathergood.com/bullion


  >> Generation Gaming <<
  "Hello," raps Dan Bull. "I made this song and
  video chronicling all the consoles and games
  I've owned since I were a nipper." Dan knows
  the quickest way to our flinty hearts is
  through a massive injection of techie nostalgia.
http://snurl.com/heyhey32bits


  >> Practical joke on the future <<
  "I did a spot of decorating last year,"
  explains VicJameson. "So took the opportunity
  to set up a little practical joke for the
  future. It's just a shame I won't be there to
  see the pay-off." For the benefit of non-German
  speakers, the accompanying text reads 'I've had
  my eye on you'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ive_Had_My_Eye_On_You


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Darwin Awards

  Last week we wanted your brushes with the Grim
  Reaper through sheer foolishness. We don't want
  to call our members stupid, but there's an
  awful lot of stories here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/darwin/

  * SUCKER - "First year at Uni, living in a
  'Luxury, Catered Hall Of Residence'. We had
  fortnightly room inspections, the first of
  which I passed with flying colours, but was
  told to "hoover the carpet". Fair enough, I
  thought. The municipal Henry had died in an
  attempt to see how many pints of water some
  morons could feed it before it exploded. Five,
  apparently. It was 13 days before we got a
  replacement. So, the morning of the next
  inspection, I crawled out of bed, the room
  spinning from a night of too much cheap vodka
  and not enough sleep. I started hoovering. I
  wondered how powerful the suction was. I
  decided to put the pipe in my mouth. Turns out
  that a hoover can suck all the air out of your
  lungs, leaving you unable to breathe and a
  horrible dry feeling, deep inside. Takes a good
  fifteen minutes to recover from this rapid
  evacuation, during which time the room
  inspectors will find you, on the floor, mostly
  naked." (Kaol)
     
  * STUFFER - "When I was six I happily sat out
  in the garden and proceeded to jam the heads of
  my lego men up my nose. I managed about eight
  before I felt a bit woozy. I went to tell my
  mum about my achievement. She was not very
  happy, not very happy at all, as I was covered
  in blood and snot. One brief operation later, I
  remember a nice old man who looked like Obi Wan
  Kenobi telling me not to do it again. All went
  well for a couple of months, then I was back in
  casualty. This time I had managed to jam my
  R2D2 figure up my arse and the legs had come
  off inside me and were doing all sorts of
  mischief to my colon." (SpankyHanky)
     
  * SPACKER - "It's common sense that water and
  electric don't mix, which I why as a 7 year old
  running around my house having a water fight, I
  panicked after firing a shitload of water all
  over one of the light switches. I couldn't just
  leave it: I thought it might make my house set
  on fire. So I put my mouth over the light
  switch and tried sucking the water out. I shot
  back to the other side of the room and ended up
  curled up in a ball making ewok noises."
  (addikt)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your tales of hypocrisy. Talk to us
  about your double standards here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/hypocrisy/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Star Wars improved by replacing a word with "pants" <<
  * I find your lack of pants disturbing.
  * I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
  * A disturbance in the pants. I have not felt
    this since near my old master...
 
  All extremely amusing as you can see, and out
  of curiosity, we wonder if this works for
  other films, let's say Withnail and I:
 
  * We want the finest pants available to
    humanity. And we want them here, and we want
    them now! 
  * I've some extremely distressing pants.
  * Bit early in the morning for pants isn't it
    sir? 
  * As a youth I used to pant in butcher's shops. 
 
  Well, kept us amused for 5 mins anyway.
http://www.keepersoflists.org/index.php?lid=1906


  >> Useless book <<
  A specially-designed notebook to help you
  remember useful web addresses and passwords.
  Almost as good as using the built-in
  functionality of your web browser.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/097079830X/b3ta-20


  >> This is why you're fat #2 <<
  The Meat Boat. The Meat Boat? Yes, the Meat
  Boat. 17,000 calories of nautical diorama with
  bacon sails and sausage masts and it's charted
  a course for your arteries.
http://snurl.com/mealsforb3tans


  >> Dinosaurs fucking robots <<
  Page after page of dinosaurs fucking robots.
  With inspirational phrases. Which make it even
  more unsettling.
http://dinosaursfuckingrobots.com/


  >> Look different, dress the same <<
 Collection of photos showing that the more
 people try to look like individuals, the more
 they tend to conform to a certain look. The
 photographers have come up with some pretty good
 nicknames for the groups too. It's not just
 'goths' and 'townies'.
http://www.exactitudes.com/index.php


  >> The Trilogy Meter <<
  Diagram rating the quality of the most popular
  Hollywood movie franchises. Surprisingly, quite
  a few sequels are better than the original.
  Unsurprisingly, no third movie ever is.
http://snurl.com/oncetwicethreetimesaturkey


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Animal bands again, yep it's B3ta  

  "Cute mice with little tiny musical
  instruments!" mews agentmuu, "Warning: site
  in Russian." Ah, maybe they'll play us the
  theme from Tetris? Or Ra Ra Rasputin?
http://ziza.ru/2009/02/17/krysy_pozirujut_16_foto.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Animated gifs + embedded audio FTW
  
  >> How to win Guess Who in one move. <<
  One bold question will let you win an
  old-school game of Guess Who. Figured it out
  yet?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_win_Guess_Who_in_one_move


  >> Clifford Stoll, What an ace bloke! <<
  Coming across like an over-stimulated Emo
  Phillips, we had no idea tech expert, author
  and astronomer Clifford Stoll was such a
  character. Write him a few gags instead of a
  lecture and you'd have a world class physical
  comedian.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Clifford_Stoll_What_an_ace_bloke


  >> 2222 Toothpicks in my beard <<
  Of all the memes in the world to catch on, who
  would have expected this? Genial beardy crams
  as many toothpicks as possible into his hairy
  chin. The end result looks like he is being
  face-raped by a hedgehog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rlo-3KPqZwU


  >> Aussie incest ad <<
  Ah, bless those forthright Australians. Charity
  group Adults Surviving Child Abuse try to mix
  humour with child abuse in their latest
  television ad. The results are, er, striking.
http://www.spareroom.co.nz/2009/02/11/badvertising/


  >> Unexpected Bon Jovi <<
  In America they have this thing at sports games
  called the Jumbotron which randomly puts
  someone from the crowd up on the big screen.
  Normally people just wave and scream. This guy
  had clearly practised.
http://snurl.com/wethinkweknowthisguy


  >> Alternative uses for a phone screen <<
  Mobile phone manufacturers wheel out the big
  guns of cuteness to flog some new product.
  Puppies, kittens - dammit, even hedgehogs -
  this one's got it all!
http://b3ta.com/links/Alternative_uses_for_a_phone_screen


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Almost funny this week. Almost.

  * COCKS WHO WORK AT BANKS - irregularshed
  dribbles, "My friend in HSBC pissed the Data
  Protection Act up the wall to show me a
  screenshot of this man's name. I've managed to
  find a reference to him on teh webs which means
  he won't lose his job... I give you Mr Willy
  Dangles of HSBC France:"
http://snurl.com/shouldworkforbarclays


  * MIKE WANKUM REDUX 3 - DrTugnut2 spurts,
  "Having lived in Boston I too remember Mike
  Wankum - however when we travelled up to New
  Hampshire we were very impressed to see posters
  for 'Dick Swett' who was running for senate.
  Myself and Mrs Tugnut2 offered our services for
  his campaign but he turned down our slogan 'No
  one can lick Dick Swett'. I see he is now US
  Ambassador to Denmark..." Heh, a fine
  observation and then a gag? Top marks. 
http://www.nndb.com/people/875/000127494/


  * SEARCHY THING - james.gadsby spunks, "Well,
  I've found something which'll keep everyone
  entertained for many hours. Basically it's the
  U.S Ancestry Records search page, meaning you
  can search for any unfortunate surnames to see
  if someone will that name actually existed."
  We've just found NELLIE SEMEN...
http://ssdi.rootsweb.ancestry.com/


  * KKK TATTOOS FOR KIDS - rootsrockreggae gives
  us a funny handshakes and says, "I was in my
  local market when I stumbled across this. LOOK
  AT THE MIDDLE ONE! It is something that I knew
  you needed to see."
http://snurl.com/kkkidsloveit


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: NSFW WANKING CORNER 
  Stuff you've been tugging to this week

  * PENISES WITH GOOGLY EYES - nli asks, "Why on
  earth, when searching for Googly Eyes to stick
  on something, does this come up as the 2nd
  site?"
http://www.googlyeyesoncock.com/galleries/?g=one


  * FREE ORAL SEX FOR ATTRACTIVE FEMALES - as 
  Sir Snow Gonzo points out it's "fantastically
  optimistic." Loving the mid-90s web design too
  - Netscape Gold is our favourite site editor
  too.
http://louisvillefreeface.com


  * GOOGLE TARTS - TruffleShuffle writes, "Bit
  like Google sightseeing, but for hookers on
  Street View." Blimey, now it needs a sister
  site for outing kerb crawlers.
http://www.streetviewfun.com/category/sexy/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Invisible Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to remove things
  from pictures to change their meaning.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SYDNEY - Australians may have to adjust their
  way of life once global warming really hits
  home (augsav)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9188932

  * MUPPETS - take away the fur, and the show is
  suddenly less appealing (Barbarossa)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9178626

  * RETRO - the gaming industry took a while to
  figure out that you needed bad guys to make
  things interesting (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9178711

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/invisible/


  >> New challenge: Wii Games <<
  We've been playing with our Wii all week, but
  the choice of software is a little safe. Show
  us the Wii games Nintendo will never publish.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wii/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TRIPPY VIDEO SECRETS - tahrey writes, "As a
  committed non member but an enjoyer of the
  newsletter... here's the simple secret behind
  making your own "trippy bad compression" video:

  Encode your clips to some form of MPG,
  preferably MPG4 e.g. DivX.
  Load it into VirtualDub or any other
  frame-by-frame, direct frame editing program.
  Delete the keyframes normally inserted at the
  scene changes.
  Make sure it doesn't have any kind of keyframe
  reconstruction turned on.
  Save your new video.
  Enjoy."


  * METRO CONFESS TO READING B3TA - Ross McD +
  Ross McG write, "Hello Rob and all at B3ta
  Towers, Long-time lurker Ross McDonagh here.
  I'm a reporter with the best value-for-money
  newspaper there is (Metro), where we frequently
  pillage/direct readers to your unrivalled site.
  Myself and fellow Metroer Ross McGuinness have
  very recently set up a site (we collectively
  know dick all about the mysterious inner
  workings of the interweb, so we've opted for a
  nice user-friendly free Wordpress blog). Here
  we basically shite on about two films that are
  (sometimes tenuously) connected in some way,
  and get people to vote on our arguments, and
  leave comments. Would be delighted if you
  checked it out, and possibly even give it a
  mention in the newsletter?" Oh go on then, but
  we want you to place a story in the Metro where
  if you read the first letter of every sentence
  it reads, "w.e..b.u.m..k.i.t.t.e.n.s"
http://www.rossvross.com


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SCOOTER FAN VIDEO - we've just realised that
  German crap trance overlords Scooter have made
  a version of the Sisters of Mercy goth classic
  Marian. Can someone do a suitably mental
  video please? And dub the Scooter bloke
  shouting "make some fucking noise" over it, as
  that would be more amusing than the actual
  version that exists.

  * CHRIS MARTIN FLOWER FAIRY.COM - have you
  noticed that Coldplay bloke moves likes a
  fairy? A proper
  clap-your-hands-or-they-die-tinkerbell-fairy?
  Can you lot photoshop fairy wings onto his back
  on all PR shots please? There's a dear.

  * STAMP LICK SOUP - we've always had a sneaky
  liking for the taste of stamp glue. Maybe it
  would make a tasty ingredient?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was wanked on by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson holding the bucket. Stuff sent
  in by Gratch, ana, Chanticleer, Dixon, cr3,
  Spider Riviera, Pat Wood and jessekillerkay.
  Seventh Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Newsletter subjlols via Griffy Savalas.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Having a party? Remember - drunk people will
  NEVER wash a glass if there's a clean one in
  the cupboard, so hide ALL surplus cups and
  glasses. If you don't do this? You will spend
  the next morning washing everything in the
  kitchen. (Pill Popper)

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  SICKIPEDINOTS:
  Knock knock
 "Who's there?"
 "Doorbell repairman".
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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