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NEWSLETTER: "HEADS AND KNEECAPS... TRUNCHEON BLOWS... TRUNCHEON BLOWS"

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This Week:
* QUESTION - Outdoor sex?
* CHALLENGE - Shop The Police
* SONG - Fucking cunt cunt cunt 2009 remix

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "Goodbye Geocities...
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    although we never
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    used you at all"

B3ta email 375 - 24 Apr 2009

Now available on your pager:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue375/

         Stalk:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
        Walk:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Affordable slow motion camera

  Want to film slow motion stuff? Finally the
  technology is coming down to consumer level
  prices - the Casio Exilim F1 will record 300FPS
  for £600 -  and if this is out of your price
  range, try the EX-FC100 which is under £300.
  We'd love to see what you could do with this stuff:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00155WX90/b3ta-21

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Rap, Cunts, Crilly and Robot Fear

  >> Eminem song remade for British current events <<
  Dan Bull, whose awesome nerd gaming rap we
  featured a wee while ago is back with a new
  track, having a go at our beloved UK
  celebrities and politicians. The best hip-hop
  ever to name-check Jacqui Smith.
http://snurl.com/wemadeyou  [www_b3ta_com] 


  >> "Fucking cunt" redux <<
  Ah, the heady days of 2004. All nations of the
  world joined hands, dancing with flowers in
  their hair. And the song they were singing was
  'Fucking Cunt'. After a lengthy hiatus, it's
  returned. "Please note," says proud composer
  Koit, "I have updated the animation to include
  new cunts."
http://www.anna-ghislaine.com/koit/fc2009.html


  >> Crilly Fr <<
 Here's a Monty Propps mashup of Father Ted with
 the Magnum PI music. Can it be a sin to splice
 together two things so thoroughly loved? Unless
 it's your kids, we guess. BTW Father Ted's
 titles also work well with Miami Vice. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crilly_Fr


  >> "I'm Scared" <<
  Charming ditty from Joel about a mechanical
  nightmare sent from the future to destroy
  humanity. Poor Doombot 9000 is frightened of
  everything. 
http://rathergood.com/scared


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Super-Fans

  Last week we asked about the lengths you've
  gone to for your heroes. Worth clicking for
  grandmasterfluffles' story of how her strictly
  entre-nous fanmail made it into the national
  press:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fans/

  * I SMELL OF HAMMERS - "On the tube, bloke gets
  on and sits opposite. I glance up and recognise
  him instantly. It's uber-documentary maker,
  bumbling Brit abroad, Louis Theroux. I'd just
  watched his latest about a hospital for
  kiddy-fiddlers in California. So, being a gobby
  twat, I decided to show my appreciation.
  "Excuse me, mate - Excuse me..." I get his
  attention. Along with that of just about
  everyone else in the carriage. "I really loved
  that paedophile thing. Just wanted to say good
  work, mate." And I sit back with a knowing
  smile and a slight nod of admiration. And Louis
  looks at me with utter confusion and disgust.
  He buries his head in his paper. And then I
  start to feel the eyes of every fucking body in
  the carriage burn into my skin... And I realise
  with utter unadulterated fucking horror that
  this man is not, in point of fact, Louis
  Theroux - he just looks an awful lot like him.
  To my audience, I am some kind of paedo, who
  has just given his full, frank, and very public
  support to another." (SpankyHanky)
     
  * I AM JED - "Steve Coogan was doing a book
  signing in Bristol and a friend and I went to
  see him as we were big Partridge fans. So much
  so that we took along a 'hilarious' picture of
  my friend sat on the lap of a mock up Alan
  sitting in an armchair in our living room. We
  had a cut out and keep Alan Partridge mask as
  the head and we had recreated his body in 'Guy
  Fawkes' style, it was quite convincing. When my
  friend handed the photo over to Steve to sign,
  his face went white and all he could say was
  something along the lines of 'that is very
  disturbing'. He signed the photo 'you sick,
  sick people' or words to that effect. And that
  was that, until we sat down to watch the
  episode in the next series of the show, where
  Alan gets stalked by a mad fan... who has a
  entire room dedicated to Alan... with an
  armchair in the middle with a mock up 'Alan'
  very much like the one we had produced. In fact
  exactly like it. I am still waiting for the
  royalties..." (barrington)
     
  * I'LL BE YOUR RUBBER DUCKIE - "I went on TV
  aged 4, to do an interpretative dance for my two
  biggest heroes: Bert and Ernie. I got to meet
  them, then cried, then wet myself. On
  television. If youre reading this, Bert and
  Ernie, Im an adult now. If youd like to get
  together for a chat over bottle of wine
  (pissing is extra), you can contact me via
  b3ta." (TheSnark)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like to know all about your outdoor sexy
  times. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/publicsex/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Naked Barbie project <<
  Bloke bashes together an 'anatomically correct'
  Barbie & Ken and harasses Mattel to start
  mass-production. Slightly harrowing pics of
  naked dolls getting new orifices drilled.
http://www.zug.com/pranks/barbie/


  >> Electro pee illustration <<
  This is the path electricity takes through your
  body if you wee on a wire. Taken out of context
  though, it's still a fantastic image.
http://snurl.com/electropee  [www_flickr_com] 


  >> How to make a baby <<
  When we clicked on this we reckoned it was
  going to be twee, self-indulgent rubbish. It's
  not - and we applaud their clever use of the
  'picture every day' meme.
http://www.otherthings.com/howtobaby/


  >> Measure your e-penis <<
  Uses some sort of maths wizardry to assess your
  internet fame, measured by the size of your
  virtual cock. Neuromancer was never like this.
  Anyway, Rob enjoys an e-peen almost 3 meters
  long.
http://www.epenis.nl


  >> Lost luggage <<
  If you've misplaced any baggage at an airport
  recently, perhaps you can find a picture of it
  here - the site owner would really like to get
  it back to you. You'll also find pictures of
  everything that was inside the case, also
  meticulously photographed and on display.
http://snurl.com/isthisyourluggage 


  >> Goatse goes mainstream <<
  Danish toilet tissue company wants to emphasise
  that it's product is 100% recycled. That's the
  apparent reasoning behind these glaringly
  repellant bog-roll dispensers.
http://snurl.com/nowwashyourhands [adweek_blogs_com] 


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Slow Loris loves getting tickled
  
  Too cute for words but we wonder if the
  tickling makes it emit some horrible skunk-like
  scent.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Slow_Loris_loves_getting_tickled


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Dub these off to VHS (but mind the Macrovision)

  >> Auto-Tune vs TV News  <<
  Auto-tune is the effect used on modern pop
  records that makes the vocals sound like daleks
  in a gay disco, but a rising meme has seen the
  technology being used for comic effect, from
  applying it to babies laughter to this example,
  adding it to the news.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_news_fed_through_an_autotuner


  >> Scary old man sings Pretty Woman <<
  Josef Fritzel-a-like 'Edarem' brings you his
  ode to the lovely ladies in his life, who may
  or may not be buried under the floorboards.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wdmSL2-Ock


  >> Old tech rhapsody <<
  Blake 7's Orac and friends grind out a 4 part
  harmony to everyone's favourite rock opera. Is
  this some sort of cunning viral campaign for
  the HP ScanJet 3c that's filling in for Freddy?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht96HJ01SE4


  >> Office Synchronised Swimming <<
  Remember the Malaysian prison officer who made
  his lags dance to Michael Jackson's Thriller? We
  can only assume a Russian pimp with a leg and
  show fetish is behind this curiously erotic
  display.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Office_Sychronised_Swimming


  >> Electro beards <<
  A Kraftwerk tribute act staffed by Linux
  programmers, enhanced by appalling 80s video
  effects. Banging.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dQo0fNaQx0


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Still not funny, still not cornery

  * HAIRY COFFEE - Rob Edwards confides, "I was
  in the local Lidl store earlier and noticed
  this delightful coffee. So I whipped out my
  phone and took a snap." 
http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/7161/photo0018s.jpg


  * ALFONSO PRAT-GAY - A politico so proud of his
  dual funny name heritage that he double
  barrelled it. Cheers to Buenos Aires
  correspondent Stanley Wannard, who's been
  sniggering at the massive posters emblazoned
  all over the city.
 http://www.alfonsopratgay.com/index.htm


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Fluffy Disasters Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to make nasty events
  nice.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * KITTEN - grinning junior feline destroys
  shop. Awww (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9368253

  * BEAR - zoo-invading lunatic rescued by
  friendly bears. Awww (Vitalbalistix)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9363918

  * TOMLINSON - dead man makes surprise
  appearance in comedy classic. Awww (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9370564

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fluffydisasters/


  >> New challenge: Shop The Police <<
  As the British Police Force comes under fire,
  your task is to produce images to help them
  out, to repair their damaged reputation and to
  encourage new recruits.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cops/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ZORK TWITTER - Last week we asked for a
  version of ancient text adventure Zork that
  worked via twitter. Bigwayne writes, "Try
  sending a tweet such as '@zorkgame look'. It
  might fall over, the response speed maybe
  slower the the global recovery, but it only
  takes 5 seconds to send a tweet."


  * MORE OMEGLE NONSENSE - "Hello people from teh
  internets," hails Splather, "I discovered
  Omegle through B3ta,  and decided to have a
  poke about on there. I think I've sparked some
  sort of new sport: causing people to rip their
  ethernet cable out of their machine and sit
  quivering, hoping the police don't pop round
  for a word."
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/jpg/quickchat.jpg


  * COMPETITION WINNERS - last week we asked you
  a tie-breaker to win copies of 'crunch: the
  card game.' Winners include Terence Eden,
  Khaaaaan, Brendan Quinn, Daniel, Robin Little,
  CanonCaliber, mr.BIG, TEAM MEGAFORCE!!!, hektik
  and Neil Mitchell. Losers can buy the game
  instead at:
http://www.crunchthecardgame.com/thegame/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COOKING CUCUMBERS - musing over our lunch
  today we were thinking how there's certain
  vegetables traditionally served raw, salad for
  instance whilst others such as potatoes
  invariably cooked. Can you conjure up a reverse
  dinner with roasted salad and a raw sausage?

  * GLOVE SPIDERS? - We've all seen sock monkeys,
  but what could you do with a glove? 

  * AN ANTI-AIDS VIRUS - that and transmits
  sexually and prevents people getting HIV .
  You'd be morally compelled to have sex with as
  many people as possible in the name of public
  health. Win.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in via gronkpan,
  @nofunnyname, sancelle, jingle_man, codepo8,
  emilyd, @alnapp, @Grouch76. Top Tippery by 
  Crap Little Monkey. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlos via prodigy69.

  The Great Wall of China was brilliant except
  for one thing: The Great Ladder of Central Asia.
  
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  TOP TIP:

  Don't shave in a sink with running water. Boil
  a kettle and pour into a cup. You'll have a
  better shave and it's cheaper too. 

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  SICKIPEDIA:

  I had a German plumber round the other day to
  fix my shower. He accidentally connected the
  gas supply to the water supply. I guess old
  habits die hard.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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