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NEWSLETTER: "FARRAH WHO?"

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This Week:
* MEAT COCKTAILS - The Bacon Meatini
* VIDEO - Gamer kid spazz-out
* FUNNY NAME CORNER - Sadly, it's back

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 383 - 26 Jun 2009

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue384/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  End of the world party

  Praise "Bob!" The end's nigh! B3tan minister
  Reverend Priest hosts "The End Of The World
  Show." London, July 4th.
http://dalliance.net/xday2009/

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: OBLIGATORY JACKO INTRO
  
  Right, as you know, the whole world has melted
  down over the death of Michael Jackson, so we
  best get that out of the way before the
  newsletter proper.
  
  * PHOTOSHOPS - we've open a special obituary
  challenge so you can share your touching and
  emotional gif-based tributes:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/michaeljackson/popular/

  * MASS MOONWALK - we made a tentative
  suggestion of a flash mob at 6pm in Liverpool
  Street and Twitter exploded with extraordinary
  enthusiasm. Thought we'd pop down though.
http://search.twitter.com/search?q=mass+moonwalk
  
  * SICKIPEDIA - in traffic we've haven't seen
  since Jade Goody died, you've all completely
  crippled our sick joke site. Stop pressing F5
  ok?
  
-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Apparently Jacko is dead you know

  >> The Meatini <<
  "I have invented the MEATINI!" rejoices Joel
  Veitch. "A full English fry-up in a cocktail
  glass made of bacon!" The glass is quite
  disturbing, as if serial killer Ed Gein had got
  his tableware sold in John Lewis or something.
http://rathergood.com/841_Meatini


  >> Celebrity odd <<
  Create your own peculiar celebrity portraits
  automatically, thanks to this handy toy by
  "Info", mother nature's most enigmatic b3tard. 
http://makeacelebrityodd.com/


  >> Bathroom of the Future <<
  Tomorrow's world of space hovercrafts,
  household robots and such will make your
  morning ablutions simpler and more pleasant. So
  say the Secret 7000 in a scene remake from some
  film we can't quite place, maybe The Island,
  Minority Report or Gattaca we reckon. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_John_Wash


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The Boss

  What is it about running a company that makes
  you think you are God? We asked for your tales
  of mad psycho bosses. There's loads to read
  here, but Crazy Steve sounds quite nice to us,
  to be honest:
http://b3ta.com/questions/theboss/

  Here's some short, funny stories dredged from
  the long tales of bossy woe:
  
  * CRAIG - "My boss has no social skills. In
  addition to (or because of) this, he is also a
  bit of a loud talker. One day I'm in my office
  working away and I hear him looking for a
  co-worker. "Hey Craig! Where's Craig?" He
  starts walking down the hall, getting louder
  each second. "Where's Craig?" I heard Craig's
  voice, somewhat annoyed, but I couldn't make
  out his words. The boss heard it too. "Craig?
  Where the hell are you?" I heard Craig again,
  and my boss replied at top volume, "In the
  bathroom? What are you doing in the bathroom?"
  I could hear the door to the bathroom open as
  my boss went to investigate. He FINALLY figured
  it out, the tard." (setimret)
     
  * GARY - "I once got berated by the boss in
  front of a customer for apparently ignoring her
  tannoys. She was away with phrases like
  'unprofessionalism', 'disciplinary' and 'taking
  it higher'. I felt I had to say my piece. After
  all I didn't ignore her, not on purpose anyway.
  "Sorry but I didn't hear you." "I know fine
  well you heard them, Gary. I've been calling
  your name for five minutes now. I could see you
  milling around at the other end of the store and
  there's no problems with the tannoy over
  there." "Erm...my name isn't Gary." The
  customer laughed and she stormed off. Now
  whenever I see her she makes an effort to drop
  my correct name into the conversation at least
  once." (Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock)
     
  * IVAN - "My boss at my last proper job was an
  enthusiastic, dedicated man who always did his
  best to listen and respond to the concerns of
  his workforce. Unfortunately, he had the voice
  of Ivan Dobsky, the Meat- Safe Murderer. He may
  have been talking about a new client design, or
  a change in order quantities, but all I was
  hearing was, "I never done it. I only said I
  done it so they wouldn't give me another
  jalfrezi enema..." (Concrete Cow)

  Finally, we must bow down before Cockbrush for
  this: "My last boss was a bit of a xenophobic
  bigot, who didn't like people eating Turkish
  Delight because it was a bit 'Muslim'. He even
  put up a sign on the break room door: 'EAST
  TREAT BANNED'"


  >> This Week's Question <<
  In a switch of one vowel, this week we're
  moving from bosses to buses. Next week? Bizzies
  - the police in Liverpool.
http://b3ta.com/questions/buses/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Non-existent invention blog <<
  Dominic Wilcox has lots of ideas for inventions
  and products. Too many, in fact, so he pours
  them maniacally into a blog. Best one?
  Chocolate biscuits with a handle for dunking.
  If McVities brought this to production
  tomorrow, they'd have every newspaper covering
  it and every shop begging to stock them.
http://variationsonnormal.com/


  >> Supermarket humiliation challenge <<
  We once went to the supermarket and bought a
  mars bar, the bloke we were with bought some
  Vaseline (he had a split lip), but the
  embarrassment of having these two items pass
  over the scanner at the same time was
  mind-bending. Looks like this NSFW site is onto
  a similar idea with the Tickleberry Challenge,
  a competition for submissive men that asks them
  to buy three independently banal items from a
  department store.  The responses are both
  pathetic and amusing.
http://www.tickleberry.co.uk/after-dark/tickleberry-challenge


  >> A new optical Illusion <<
  Our colour vision is shit - have you ever
  seen our attempts at design? So we'll take it
  on trust that this optical illusion works and
  isn't just an almighty gag on the colour-blind.
  Did we mention we're also paranoid?
http://snurl.com/colouredtricks


  >> One million giraffes <<
  In an attempt at a "build it and they will
  come" type meme, the request for the internet
  to draw one million giraffes has so far
  produced about 4000 or so. Reckon they will
  make it to the glorious one million giraffes?
  It's a tall challenge, but they're neck and
  neck etc etc.
http://onemilliongiraffes.com/


  >> My Average Life <<
  In what is presumably a sequel to fuckmylife,
  comes a collection of messages on how, well
  average people's lives are. It's deadpan, crowd
  sourced observational comedy - not a sentence
  we ever thought we'd write. Some of the more
  amusing lines include:
  * Today, I opened the fridge. There was nothing
  I wanted to eat in there. After 15 minutes, I
  opened it again. There still wasn't anything I
  wanted to eat in there. MLIA 
  *   Today, my teacher saw me texting under the
  desk and grabbed my phone. She didn't grab my
  penis. MLIA. 
  *  Today, I decided to tan on the balcony. I
  took my top off and my neighbor came out and
  saw me. He's a guy. So am I. We greeted each
  other. MyLifeIsAverage. 
http://mylifeisaverage.com/


  >> Water bottle panorama <<
  In the first fully official Christina Aguilera
  simulator, you play a genie trapped in a bottle
  waiting to be "rubbed the right way." Or so we
  like to imagine.
http://snurl.com/gottleofgeer


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Doomed animal friendships

  "It's a baby sparrow-hawk with kittin," spluffs
  Crystal Meth. "Made me go aaaah."
http://snurl.com/letsbefriends


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like you care. JACKO IS DEAD FFS.

  >> Gamer kid spazz-out <<
  Teenage boy shrieks and cavorts like a
  chimpanzee, all because his mom banned him from
  World of Warcraft. Hilarious/disturbing by
  turns, we're kind of hoping it's fake. Fave bit
  is at 1:40-ish.
http://snurl.com/toddlerspaz


  >> Ninja Terminator funk <<
  Following autotunethenews, an insane kung fu
  movie gets similar treatment. Bonus points for
  the choice of Thomas The Tank Engine theme
  tune, which, if there is a Hell, is the music
  that Satan himself plays every day.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ninja_Terminator_funk


  >> Stop-motion guitar <<
  Blokey edits together his guitar strumming to
  make Mozart's 'Marriage of Figaro'. Although if
  he'd wanted to win at the internet he should
  have picked the theme to Knight Rider.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stop_motion_guitar


  >> Cat Lady movie <<
  The crazy old lady with a hundred cats is a
  running joke, but this documentary crew
  followed several cat ladies around, with
  interviews about what they felt they were
  doing. Looks like a must-see movie. BTW: A
  similar movie could be made about men with
  their collections of old computers.
http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/cat-ladies/trailer


  >> Darvaza: The Door to Hell <<
  Some say it was caused by drilling for natural
  gas in the 70s, some say oil in the 50s.
  Whatever it was, it left a fucking massive pit
  belching flame to the sky and it's been burning
  non-stop for at least 38 years. And if you
  listen closely it plays the Thomas The Tank
  Engine theme.
http://snurl.com/lastepisodeofbuffy


  >> Irresponsible Tio <<
  Short but very sweet advice from 5 second
  Films. God these guys rock.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Short_but_very_sweet


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Same rude words, slightly different order
  
  * AIR FORCE POUNDS MILF - We saw a porno like
  that once. More than once.
http://snurl.com/letshopetheymakeasequel

  * LONGSTAFF & WANG - Pfft... How did those guys
  end up working together?
http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1129304

  * ROLO LOGO - What were they thinking of when
  they designed it? Would you give anyone your
  last titwank?
http://snurl.com/chocolatelove

  * BOW LOCKS - Hurrah for east London canals!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bow_Locks


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Unlikely iPhone App Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to build iPhones apps
  Apple wouldn't approve of.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CRIME - brilliantly clever iPhone app to help
  victims of iPhone theft (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9527677

  * FORCE - Obi Wan uses his iPhone to thwart the
  Imperial Forces (Kris Fucking Kristofferson)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9528687

  * ZOD - Superman's collection of iPhone apps
  replaces the need for red Kryptonite (elbow)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9528822

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/iphone/


  >> New challenge: Make Everything Posh <<
  What with Royal Ascot and Wimbledon, the papers
  are full of photos of posh people doing posh
  things. But why should posh people get all the
  fun? We say make everything posher.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/posh/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * "I'LL LISTEN TO IT IN THE CAR" - is a
  put-down quote we ran last week from
  Radiohead's Jonny Greenwood. Dufflouis writes
  in, "I am a member of the band he was talking
  about. We would like the honour of appearing in
  the b3ta newsletter as well. Then you can all
  listen to us in the car." Well, we don't
  actually own a car, but we did listen to this
  on our laptop and make brmmm brmmm noises. Ha -
  quote that!
http://www.myspace.com/thedufflefolks


  * ASK JO GUEST A QUESTION - B3tard
  HoratioFellatio popped up on our board and
  mentioned he was interviewing 90s glamour model
  Jo Guest and asked B3tards for questions. In
  the spirit of helping our, your Ginger Fuhrer
  threw in a question but didn't really expect to
  get so publicly name-checked. He's ever so
  slightly embarrassed. NSFW.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1ojnAz969A


  * SCORP'S VIKING FUNERAL - "Last week my pet
  scorpion Clamps was found dead in his terrarium
  after 10 happy years," weeps Wallaboing. "I
  didn't want to just stick him in the ground, bin
  him, or flush him, as people may do with other
  household pets. It seemed a bit to inhumane, so
  I thought back on his life, and decided on the
  best send off i could think of - THE VIKING
  FUNERAL! Knowing how the internet works, I
  videoed it." Stirring stuff.
http://snurl.com/petfunerals


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Captcha Invaders

  You know those useless series of letters you
  have to type to convince websites that you're
  human? What if that was turned into a game?
  Another lovely thing produced by E4 asking your
  Ginger Fuhrer to get the b3tans to make games
  for them. Thank Matt Round for this one - he
  really is a spiffing chap.
http://www.e4.com/game/captcha-invaders/play.e4

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * RICHARD DAWKINS SINGING IMAGINE - cut up The
  God Delusion audiobook to the lyrics of
  Lennon's anti-religion hymn and, well, we're
  not sure if this would be mocking or
  celebrating Dawkins but we'd rather like to
  hear it.

  * LAMINATING BACON - Kaol would like to know if
  it's possible to fry up a rasher in a
  laminator. "I'm not stupid enough to try it
  myself though," he assures us. Anyone?

  * HORSE PISS, HORSE PISS! PSST! PSST! - a
  mini-meme floating around B3ta towers at the
  moment is singing these lyrics roughly to the
  tune of The Ozmonds' Crazy Horses, whilst miming
  pissing on everything. We can't actually be
  arsed to produce this into a proper song and
  video, but if someone else could do the job for
  us? Cheers.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by malus_diabolus,
  johncolchester, @mattround, Mr Alexander, CR3,
  thunderfm, stuart.randell, pizzlepaps,
  clivepenfold, thiswasmyclone, Mr Torture,
  mockingbirdred. Monkeysport2000, Monocromatico,
  Doogie Talons. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlol via The Great Architect
  
-------------------------------------------------

  Sickipedia is royally fucked at the moment as
  the world and his dog is trying to post Jacko
  jokes and our server can't take it. So as a
  thankful change of pace Nimble Colin writes, "A
  delightful newsletter-friendly joke I recently
  heard: Q: How do you titillate an ocelot? A:
  Oscillate its tit a lot."

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