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NEWSLETTER: "SUBJECT LINE CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF CELEBRITY FATALITIES"

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This Week:
* VIDEO - Knut's tribute to Jacko
* DAILY MAIL - What should you be scared of now?
* CHALLENGE - Draw Hitler

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 386 - 10 Jul 2009

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue386/

       Submarine:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  LONDON By Charlie Dark

  A kaleidoscopic rundown of the city, as seen
  through the eyes of Producer/DJ Charlie Dark
  and his fellow visionaries.
http://tinyurl.com/ndvfjc


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Vaginas, Jacko & The Daily Fail

  >> He bite my vagina <<
  "Hi mate," beams a bullish Joel Veitch. "We
  made a musical remix mashupy thing of that lady
  whose dog bit her in the vagina." BTW: Have we
  ever mentioned we once woke up with our cat
  licking our penis?
http://www.rathergood.com/bite


  >> Kunt's tribute to Jacko <<
  We love Kunt & The Gang, his name alone makes
  us fans. He has zilch chance of mainstream
  acceptance as you can't even say his name
  without offending. Indeed, checking his website
  the only press he appears to get is in rubbish
  porn mags like Fiesta, oh, and us of course.
  His latest creation is a personal take on the
  death of MJ. Please stick with it as it's
  rather wonderful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wphWwW8npEY


  >> Dailymail fear mash-up <<
  Last week we asked for you to make, "Doomwatch
  - a site which counts fear words eg 'Swine
  Flu', 'Terrorism'... from the day's news and
  charts what to be most scared of today." Tinlad
  answered our prayer, "Doomwatch pulls in the
  news feed from the Daily Mail, counts the fear
  words, and lets you know exactly what you
  should be worrying about today, with convenient
  graphical representations of the size of the
  bricks you should be shitting," he explains.
  You can also point it at other news sites of
  your choice.
http://www.mydarkmaterials.co.uk/doom/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Tramps

  Last week we asked for your hobo stories. Go
  on, go laugh at the unfortunates. Then feel a
  bit bad after reading Evil Lu's nice list of
  things you can do to help. Then laugh again to
  make yourself feel better. We know you too well:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tramps/


  * EL DUDERINO - "Key West, 2001. I met The Dude.
  He was the absolute dead ringer for Lebowski. He
  looked like Jeff Bridges, he sounded like Jeff
  Bridges. He was a fucking rock star. I sat and got
  as high as a fucking kite with him and his hobo
  friends: The man who made hats out of palm leaves
  and looked like he was carved out of mahogany;
  the man gave out cards for the strip club; and
  the man who hustled tourists at pool. I supplied
  the booze, they supplied the dope. The Dude didnít
  even get pissed off with me when I asked him if
  he'd seen The Big Lebowski, "Man, do I look like
  I own a video player? Where would I even plug
  it in?" Later on, I was sat on the edge of a wall,
  looking over the water watching the famous Key
  West sunset, when I heard, "Scarpe! Dude! Good
  to see you, man!" being yelled at me. From the
  water. As The Dude went sailing past in a bath
  tub with an outboard motor attached to the back,
  waving at me like a mad man. Dude, I salute you,
  you were fucking awesome. May your bath float on
  forever." (scarpe)
     
  * BRUCE LEE - "I was standing on the escalator
  to the tube behind a traditional, 'fun'-type
  tramp, with matted ginger hair down to his waist.
  In front of him were two Japanese teenagers.
  They had matching yellow rucksacks on so they
  must have been on some kind of school trip.
  The tramp started going, "Arr soor! Aaaar soooor,
  I'm Bruce Lee!" and karate chopping the air.
  I was cringing at this basic, racist humour,
  until one of the boys turned around, waggled
  his fingers at him and said, "Arr soooor! I'm
  Mick Hucknall." (browser)

  * ROGER HODGSON - "I walked past a homeless guy
  and he started singing 'when I was young I
  thought that life was so logical...' I said,
  'That's supertramp.' He said 'Thanks very
  much.'"
  (dolly gobshite)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  Gyms are evil places dedicated to extracting
  fat, sweat... and your cash. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gyms/


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: SPONSORED LINKY-POOS NUMBER TWOS 
  Model for POLICE. Go on. Give it a try

  Style brand POLICE are famous for their print
  advertisements. Previously they've used David
  Beckham wearing their sunglasses whilst covered
  in baby oil, and this year they want to use
  YOU. Yes, dear internet, they want YOU to
  upload a photo of your lovely self and you
  might be picked to be the face of their
  campaigns for 2010. The site is actually
  quite fun in a hot-or-not kind of way, and
  they're looking for people who look "unique"
  so a few b3tans in the mix might do the trick.
http://www.police-beyounique.com/Faces/Faces.aspx


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Crap magazine top tips <<
  Beyond parody really - here's a collection of
  real top tips found in the pikey magazines like
  Chat. Frankly we think the mags are taking the
  piss and run them for a laugh anyway. Best one?
  "Don't like chocolate? Try my 'cheese eggs'.
  Simply roll Babybels into an egg shape and
  serve. Delicious." BTW: If any readers (Hello
  CCC) fancy making some up and trying to get 'em
  printed then we'd love to hear about it.
http://heroofswitzerland.blogspot.com/search/label/Top%20Tips
  

  >> The Annotated Weekender <<
  The Guardian's Weekend magazine is the glossy
  bit that you traditionally read in a local cafe
  on Saturday morning whilst planning an exciting
  weekend ahead. This week you and your partner
  should competitively scribble on it and see if
  you can out-amuse these guys. Something to do
  anyway.
http://theannotatedweekender.blogspot.com/


  >> Babes of the BNP <<
  Great idea for an article - find some
  ever-so-slightly-gammy lady members of the BNP
  and interview them about their abhorrent views.
  Actually, we think the BNP provide a useful
  service - they're a minority that the
  middle-classes can give a good kicking to
  without feeling guilt, much like how council
  folk love nothing better than setting fire to a
  paedophile. More self-selecting groups that
  it's ok to hate please; it's what comedy needs.
http://www.viceland.com/wp/2009/07/babes-of-the-bnp/


  >> Photoshopping black people <<
  Advertising imagery sometimes needs to reflect
  cultural diversity but if the designer hasn't
  got an appropriate photo to hand, photoshop can
  be used to place a black person in shot.
  Witness the magic when cultural awkwardness
  meets technical cack-handedness. There's lols
  in them there hills.
http://snurl.com/werenotracistwerejustcrap


  >> Bing vs Google <<
  You have to hand it to Microsoft - they don't
  give up. They've been completely shit at search
  for years but finally they produce Bing, and
  it's OK. It's no game-changer but if they force
  enough people to use it by embedding it into
  Internet Explorer etc. then they've got a
  chance of maybe... not beating Google. But
  certainly Yahoo should be worried. Or so
  current received wisdom says - and yet when we
  use this tool to compare them side by side -
  for our money - Google is still the clear
  winner. It's the extras like folding in the
  news search that really make it for us.
  However, try for yourself. It's fun sticking
  your own name in anyway.
http://www.bing-vs-google.com/?q=%22rob+manuel%22


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: US EDITION OF JOKE BOOK ANNOUNCED 
  Don't all flock to the shops at once

  About a year ago a publisher got in touch
  asking to republish the joke book in America -
  largely for the book club market. A side-effect
  of this, is that it's now available for the
  first time on Amazon.com. However they've
  changed the title (which I quite like) and the
  cover (not so sure about.) Anyway, it's all a
  bit odd writing this up as I haven't even seen
  a real copy, and only know that it's finally
  for sale because it came up in a Google search.
  But there you go. Buy it, America. Buy it now.
http://snurl.com/everytimeyouclickafairydies


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Rainstorm kitten

  B3tan Kim found this poor, little mite sitting
  in the gutter in the pouring rain. If you live
  in Shanghai and are looking for a cat... this
  could be your lucky day.
http://www.olivepixel.com/misc/kitten/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but smaller and with no remote control

  >> Augmented reality <<
  Bloody hell. This is the future! Hold your
  iPhone up and this app'll stick little labels
  on the view to direct you to the nearest Tube
  station. It's like being the Terminator -
  freaking awesome!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fZk0HaIs4s


  >> How to open a banana <<
  Not funny, just useful. We've been doing it
  wrong our whole lives. Sigh. All those wasted
  years...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ive_been_doing_it_wrong


  >> Henry Rollins techno <<
  The great man's anti-techno rant remixed into
  dance music. Also features the inspiring
  choreography of Techno Viking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jf13MmZIcLs


  >> Fly-powered plane <<
  Bearded inventor chap finds a way to make a
  fly... fly. By supergluing it to a tiny model
  plane. Erm...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fly_powered_plane


  >> Michael Jackson interview <<
  Fry and Laurie's Michael Jackson interview from
  yesteryear. The great man answers questions
  from his critics and performs his latest single.
http://b3ta.com/links/A_rare_interview_with_Michael_Jackson


  >> Duke Nukem's Disease <<
  Touching documentary about a man whose motor
  skills are those of a character from a first
  person shooter game. Maybe one day there will
  be a cure.
http://b3ta.com/links/FPS_disease_is_a_terrible_affliction


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Actually a name for once, rather than a cock

  * SNAPPY SNAPS - Andrew writes, "I found this
  interestingly-named photographer's on London
  Road in Sheffield."  Bet this guy is great at
  taking the money shot.
http://naxtek.com/general/smp.jpg


  * MIS-USING GPS - Kudos to mrkeithmartin who,
  using his GPS watch managed to draw this
  impressive route on the satellite map. Ah, back
  to the cocks.
http://connect.garmin.com/activity/6033208


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: BONUS B3TARDS 
  More stuff made by our webby chums

  * JEREMY CLARKSON IN A MICROWAVE - Short but
  satisfying outing for Cyriak.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jeremy_Clarkson_in_a_microwave


  * ENJOYABLE SPOOF NEWS SITE - yeah yeah, we
  know. But Duncan McKenzie actually made us
  laugh - a rare enough occurrence.
http://dailyweek.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Pirates Challenge

  Last week we had a one-word challenge: Pirates.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PIRATES - that bit at the beginning of films,
  in reality (sepang)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9557682

  * PI RAT - does what it says on the tin more
  precisely than anything, ever (VieuxConAigri)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9557275

  * PARITY - USB pirate parrot pun (Captn
  Hood-Butter)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9557630

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pirates/


  >> New challenge: Draw Hitler <<
  This week we're are ordering a drawing
  competition. You must use pens, pencils,
  crayons, blood, anything really, but you have
  to draw Hitler. 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/drawingsofhitler/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SICKINEWS - "I put this together in response
  to your last newsletter," explains
  Linusmartensson. "It throws whatever words are
  Capitalized in a news title into a search query
  and burps out the top result from sickipedia."
  It's a little random but the better for that.
http://secretweb.org/sickinews


  * IMAGINE DAWKINS -  "You said you wanted a Richard
  Dawkins version of 'Imagine'," blames Fat Boab.
  "Well, here it is. With added Hawkings."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReFRV94YAr8


  * IS 9.5HRs NETBOOK FOR REAL? - last week we
  promised we'd test this out, we took it on a
  train up north and it managed the 3hrs up and
  the 3hrs back just fine, but was just about
  running out by the end. So we reckon 6.5hrs is
  a more likely estimate considering ordinary use
  of some internet, some video watching and some
  word processing. Still, not bad - certainly
  longer than any other laptop we've used. Linky
  goes to Amazon should you have a spare £300 you
  want to spunk in Amazon's clicky face.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001UE8LAG/b3ta-21
  
  
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TWHITLER.COM - a slice of Twitter than only
  displays mentions of Hitler - they're often
  rather interesting. A current peek reveals the
  great quote, "without Hitler, there'd be no
  british comedy"
http://search.twitter.com/search?q=Hitler
  
 
  * PEOPLE DRESSED AS HITLER.COM - mainly as
  we've just started typing Hitler into search
  engines and look what's popped out: a lovely
  young lady who we'd like to get to Third Reich
  with.
http://snurl.com/hitlerbabyonemoretime


  * CAN'T THINK OF A THIRD HITLER SITE - so over
  to MadAdamUk who suggests, "As summer is coming
  up, could some b3ta boffin figure out which
  solution is more efficient in terms of cooling
  AND energy bills; An average tower fan on all
  day or a portable air-con unit for say 3-4
  hours over the course of a day."


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Coin Operated
  Boy, Occulus, Beejay, RBF esquire, Mme Bing .
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subyline via barryheadwound.
 
-------------------------------------------------

  SICKIPEDIA:

  The keen-eyed will noticed that Sickipedia as
  attracted its first advertiser. In four years
  nobody, but nobody would touch it with a shitty
  stick. Despite being a popular site - approx 6
  million page views per month - people are wary
  of associating their products with bad taste
  jokes.

  So welcome Jamrags.com - a clothing company
  that understands that it's just a bunch of
  jokes. Well they should, as their business
  model is to stick similarly offensive slogans
  on their own t-shirts.

  BTW: We're wondering if Prince Harry is a fan
  of Sickipedia? A recent Daily Mail quotes a
  friend of TV presenter Caroline Flack as
  saying, "Harry is very funny and texts her
  jokes all the time from an internet site heís
  found."

  Anyway. You want a joke - props to Milenko for
  this pithy one-liner, "RAPE. Small word, long
  sentence."
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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