NEWSLETTER: "YOU KNOW IT'S A GOOD POO WHEN YOU COME BACK AND YOUR SCREENSAVER'S ON."
This Week:
* DAVID ICKE - Yep, we're annoying him again
* SPECIAL EFFECTS - Your guide to being ace
* HITLER - Now on Twitter
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "R Kelly. Taking the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| art out of 'rap artist'"
B3ta email 387 - 17 July 2009
We're one better than an Intel 386 chip. Result.
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue387/
Friday follow: [email protected]
Block: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Go on, have an affair. They're great.
"If you're happy and in love, tell your spouse.
If you're not, tell someone else's! Join
EliteAffair for discreet uncomplicated dating."
http://www.eliteaffair.co.uk
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Kittens, David Icke, FX, Nazis, Telly & Scams
>> Kitten Graffiti <<
"A few years ago a family member received a
pretty awful kitten calendar," writes Mster, "I
nicked and, over the course of the year, along
with my flat mate at the time, drew over it in
pen, placing the kittens in various forms of
danger and excitement. I finally got round to
scanning them in today, so here are a few of
them."
http://kittigraffiti.blogspot.com/
>> David Icke vs B3ta <<
Conspiracy theorist David Icke agreed to a B3ta
interview and Kirk Rutter (he also did that
Winner or Sinner one we ran a few years back)
went down to film him. Icke refused to answer
any of our silly questions about lizards and
used the time to rant on and on about his
mentalist theories. Frankly we've heard it all
before and decided to dump the interview and
move on. However, boarder Happy Toast found a
clip of it Kirk had uploaded on YouTube and
decided to edit it for his own purposes. It's
vastly more entertaining that the real
interview, believe you me. Slightly NSFW due to
CGI lady dancer's bottom.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Well_he_did_ask_for_it
>> How to do special effects <<
Cyriak has been getting into a froth over
YouTubers getting lots of attention for
something he considers a simple little trick.
First you need to watch an example, then you
need to watch his expose of how the trick
works. Very simple once you know and we quite
fancy having a go ourselves but then couldn't
think of anything really great to do with it.
Except shoot pens from our cocks into a pretty
girl's face. That might work.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/wtf_skilz
http://snurl.com/cyriakisagenius
>> Heil Twhitler<<
All Hitler, all of the time, and in response to
a request we thought up last week basically to
fill space, comes this fantastic toy from
Craigae. It's great because not only is it
amusingly inappropriate, it's genuinely
interesting to read people's tweets about
Adolf. Sample quotes:
* "That's like Hitler saying 'Ooh, I just meant
to go for a little walk, but then I accidentally
invaded Poland.'"
* "If only Hitler had been Voldemort. Life
would've been so full of hot Draco-like Nazi
Kids! "
Also it lists the people who most mention
Hitler, which is a handy little nutter watch.
http://twhitler.com/
>> Getting on Television <<
Tom Scott has been attempting to get on TV, by
standing behind people doing mobile broadcasts.
He's not done a bad job actually. Although
at 12 minutes we feel this clip could benefit
from being 4 times shorter. Tom writes, "I may
have to make a 60-second ADHD version if the
internet feels it's too long though." Go on!
http://www.tomscott.com/news/
>> Would you give this lady £10? <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer has been conducting an
impromptu social experiment where instead of
telling a stranger asking to borrow a tenner to
go away, he gives it and waits around to see if
it comes back. It doesn't, of course.
http://snurl.com/slightlynsfwveryslightly
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Gyms - don't laugh, really
We weren't sure if any of our readers had been
in a gym to be honest, but we asked anyway:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gyms/
Here's three bodily function stories to keep
you amused:
* POP - "I’d just done a weight session, had a
quick shower, and was laying face down on a
gurney stark bollock naked with a towel
covering my modesty, waiting to have a warm
down massage. This was the normal routine, and
it was a proper massage place, not one of those
dodgy backstreet places where you get a blowjob
from a fifteen year-old Lithuanian). The man
who did the massaging was Frank. He oiled me up
and started on my shoulders, smoothing out the
tension, making me feel relaxed. Frank moved
onto my lower back, my body made a series of
lovely clunking noises. Frank started on the
top of my thighs and, as Frank was busy
kneading away, his hands all oily and slippery,
I sneezed really violently. My arse shot
backwards. And Frank’s thumb lodged firmly up
my brown bullet wound like a cork in a bottle.
I let out a scream. So did Frank. Frank
attempted to remove his thumb from my arsehole
but because I was suddenly (and fucking
surprisingly) tense, I sort of clamped tight
round him. Frank’s thumb was stuck! I howled in
agony. Eventually Frank came free and, panting,
I rolled onto my front, towel tossed aside. And
I realised Frank was gazing in fear at my
willy. I looked down. I was harder than set
concrete. Frank must’ve tickled my prostate.
And all he said was, "You’ll be wanting some
tissues for that." I’ve never been to a gym
since." (Big Grant)
* PLOP - "When I was in my mega fit phase I
used to go every day in my two hour lunchtime.
The gym was great because it provided all the
clothes and stuff to wear so I didn’t need to
bring anything with me. I was doing some bench
presses and I strained so much that I did a
poo. A half solid poo. As I wasn’t wearing my
underwear to stop them getting all sweaty, my
poo flew straight out of the gap in my shorts
and onto the floor. Worse, this was accompanied
by a very loud raspberry. People who didn’t
have headphones turned to look at me. Some
people came over to stare and be disgusted. I
honestly thought I had snapped my farting
strings. My entire body was incandescently red
with embarrassment. Even worse, I couldn’t lift
the weights back due to being shit-fit
weakened. Trying very hard to get the weight
from my neck and onto the hook, it happened
again. This was more diarrhoea now, and I had
managed to pump my slurry even further. It hit
the closest girl watching in the eye.
Eventually I pushed my way past the crowd, and
ran. As I left, I glanced back to see a good
half metre trail of excrement. Some less than
stout-hearted people were crying. No one said a
word. Left my stuff there. Never went back."
(powervator)
* SPLATTER - "Many years ago, I caught the flu.
Not full fledged man-flu, but it was still
pretty bad. In my less than 100% state, I
decided it would be a good idea for me to go
'run it off'. So there I am, on the running
machine. Running off the flu. Fucking idiot.
I'd been jogging for a few minutes when it
happens. I puke on the machine and immediately
slip in the vomitus. Which causes me to fall
flat on my face and get fired off the back of
the running machine. So now not only do I have
the flu, bruises and a nice covering of
flu-bile, but I'm also being pebble-dashed as
the treadmill continues to flick the remains at
me. And _then_ the gym instructor guy comes
running over and says, "Are you alright?" (Lend
Me Your Eyes)
We also liked VitaminC's GP who, "told me to
try and join a gym at my appointment today,
'as I've got a bit of a tummy.' Or, as I would
put it, 29 weeks pregnant. He blushed quite
beautifully when I pointed this out..."
>> This Week's Question <<
Rob emailed Mike a huge rant about his bank. So
he used it as copy for this week's question.
Job done. Tell us your banking tales of woe:
http://b3ta.com/questions/banks/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Twitter pic voyeur <<
Real time what images people are posting to
Twitter timewaste-o-tron. See how long you can
go without spotting a self-photographed penis.
Or, should you prefer the ladies, how long
before you notice an attractive girl you fancy
cyberstalking for a few mins? Both are sure
bets.
http://pingwire.com/
>> Star Wars vs. crowdsourcing <<
Interesting idea - crowdsource the filming of
15 seconds of a movie and then stitch it
together. Sadly, they've done it in a slightly
annoying way so that once all the slots are
booked, which they are now, you can't join in.
We'd prefer multiple entries per chunk with
voting deciding what goes into the final cut,
as we suspect many who claim they're entering
aren't going to get round to it. Still,
extremely curious to see the finished product.
http://www.starwarsuncut.com/
>> Huxley Vs. Orwell <<
A thought-provoking comparison between the two
authors in cartoon form; selling the theory
that Huxley was a more prescient writer, whose
predictions have largely come true. Maybe so -
but Orwell was a much better communicator than
Huxley. Orwell is the king of fantastic
concepts encoded into catchy phrases - these
days we call them memes: Newspeak, Big Brother,
Room 101, Doublethink etc. Orwell has enriched
our language hugely. But hey, debate is good.
http://fatpita.net/
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Lols cavort for your executive pleasure
>> This'll cheer you up <<
Geeky bloke proves he really can pop some moves
on a Dance Dance Revolution machine. Reminds us
of Michael Jackson in the Blame It On The
Boogie video where he's dancing with the pure,
joyful love of expression and hasn't yet got
bogged down in technical prowess that (to us)
always looked like an autistic robot.
http://www.wimp.com/insanegamer/
>> Man gets hit by a train <<
Say what you like about Hitler but he knew how
to get the trains to run on time, although if
you were a passenger on the said train you
might want to get off before Auschwitz. To be
honest we're just filling space here as it's
one of those clips that are better off without
too much exposition.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_gets_hit_by_a_Train
>> Saving Private Remi <<
French prankster Remi Gaillard's normal schtick
includes stuff like pretending to be a
footballer and getting Jacques Chirac to greet
him like a sporting hero. He's a star,
basically, the first thing from France since
Monsieur Mangetout (the bloke who ate cars)
that's worth screen time. In this clip he
stages a single-handed Normandy Beach landing &
barely gets noticed.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Saving_Private_Remi_NSFW
>> It looks like due to budget cut backs... <<
...the BBC now have to use Window Movie Maker
to cut their graphics. This is epically crap
and the producer should be given a job editing
Newsnight. BONG!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8143127.stm
>> Dan Antopolski Sandwich Rap <<
The sandwich concept is a beautiful thing;
carbohydrate wrapping over a protein filling
preventing your fingers getting mucky. If you
think about it, ravioli is like a pasta
sandwich and pasties are a pastry sandwich.
Them's our thoughts on Britain's finest export
- and here's Dan Antopolski's thoughts. They
differ only in that he raps them and says
completely different stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dan_Antopolski_Sandwich_...
>> Eminem meets Dr Who meets Benny Hill <<
One of those crazy internet mash-up things, as
the 35 year-old kids in Hoxton are calling it.
Amusing actually, being constructed from such
disparate sources, it comes together with a
schizophrenic flourish.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Eminem_meets_Dr_Who_meet...
>> Ah, Mexican keyboard cat....you fail, Senor. <<
Poor bloke fails to create new keyboard cat,
despite lots of effort. The cat isn't having it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ah_Mexican_keyboard_cat_...
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Kill us now, it would quicker
* TIT HOOPS - lord bofingham sends in what he
describes as "an unfortunate choice of name for
a broadcaster."
http://www.norkring.com/
* TESTICLES - hagis_uk writes, "I notice you
had the name Bow Locks in your newsletter the
other week. My friend is a lock smith and
started his company in Bow. What better excuse
for a pun? P.S. He's not paying me to send you
this or anything."
http://www.bow-locks.co.uk
* MORE GPS WRITINGS - Weetobix writes,
"Inspired by mrkeithmartin in last week's
newsletter, I set about upping the ante with my
own posh GPS watch. You may have to zoom into
the squiggly bit, but the sheer amount of
effort that run took, I think it's worth a
look."
http://snurl.com/zoomonthesquiggles
-------------------------------------------------
: THAT PLINTH THING IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE
B3tans have very much been getting involved in
One or Other. For the benefit of provincials
(and colonials), that's an art project where
members of the public get to do their thing on
the empty plinth in London's beautiful
Trafalgar Square.
* GODZILLA! "I made a scale model of London, a
giant Godzilla suit and then spent an hour on
the plinth stomping the model to bits," roars
grumio_est_coquos. "I feel a bit of fraud -
only did it to stop my girlfriend from nagging
me." He is to applauded for the lengths he will
go to for peace and quiet. First link is a
making of, second is his plinth time - fast
forward 10 minutes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
http://www.oneandother.co.uk/participants/geraldc
* BANNERS! "I am fortunate to have been randomly
selected to stand on the plinth, on August
15th," beams Ian. "I was thinking of taking a
few banners with my favourite sites listed,
including B3ta." Yay! Anyone got any other good
suggestions for Ian's brave banner display?
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Hitler Challenge
Last week we wanted you to draw Hitler.
Your favourites included:
* VENN - inspired Hitler-a-like using the
hypothetically possible logical relations
between a finite collection of sets (finnbar)
http://b3ta.com/board/9572818
* PARMESAN - Cheese Hitler! Cheese Hitler!
Cheese Hitler! (Usernameless)
http://b3ta.com/board/9571708
* SWITCH - Hitler as home furnishing (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/9577550
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/drawingsofhitler/
>> New challenge: Movie Mashups <<
Take any film you wish, and photoshop the
scenery, characters or titles into the style of
a famous movie poster for a different film: The
Dambusters in the style of Ghostbusters,
Finding Nemo in the style of Jaws, etc.
Challenge suggested by The Great Architect
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moviemashups/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* KITTEN WAR FEATURED IN TRANSFORMERS MOVIE -
Presumably a runner was sent off to buy some
kitten calendars and as luck would have it,
they chose our very own Fraser Lewry's
kittenwar merchandising. Wonder if he can now
stick a badge on his website, "As featured in
Transformers?"
http://lewry.com/tf/
* TAGCLOUD / HITLER WOE - last week we had a
bit of a fuck up setting the image challenge
when your Ginger Fuhrer sent a confusing email
to Fraser babbling about tag clouds and Fraser
stuck it up as the challenge text. Ooops. Mr
Bojangles was amused and says, "I made this
little vid, inspired by your Hitler/tagclouds
malarkey." Frankly, this made us clap like seals
but it's possibly of minority interest.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* FAN MAIL - Dave Raum writes, "I'm a 57 year
old unemployed trucker here in Florida and I
just wanted to say, that I have been enjoying
your website for many years. Craziest stuff
I've ever seen or read ! Love it ! Thanks,
Dave." No, thank you Dave, and if any of our
readers need a truck driver in Florida, then
get in touch and we'll pass it on.
* AIR CON vs FANS - gronkpan writes, "I had an
argument with the power company about how much
my bill was, and I completely lost the argument
by saying that I had an air conditioner - They
cost about 50 cents (australian) per hour to
run, meaning that 24-hour use is about $12/day.
A fan is closer to 2 cents per hour. So to
answer MadAdamUk's question, you can have 25
fans running around the clock for around the
same price as one air conditioner."
However, Wallilay points out, "Well, fans don't
cool - they only move air around and as they're
doing work they generate heat. They only cool
you as they aid evaporation from your skin.
The number of arguments I've had in server
rooms filled with fans placed with good
intentions, but little understanding is scary.
I end up shouting 'BUT SERVERS DON'T SWEAT!'"
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Janey Thompson's Marathon
Continuing our gamekeeper-turned-poacher
shenanigans, we've pimped another B3tan to E4
to make a flash game. Matt Round is a fucking
genius and we hope he sticks that on his CV.
His real-time all 26-mile marathon simulator is
a tour-de-force in retro gfx design. Even down
to the scanlines. C'mon! That's attention to
detail.
http://www.e4.com/game/janey-thomson-s-marathon/pl...
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* COMIC SANS O TRON - what about a magic
website that can make the BBC News website
render entirely in comic sans. It'll make the
news more cheery.
* 999 IPHONE - "We need someone to develop an
emergency iPhone app that, with one button
press, takes a photo, geotags, uploads and
tweets it." (via @jearle)
* RADIO CONTROLLED HORSE - "A helmet with a
moveable dangling carrot should do the trick."
(via @edwardrussia)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @iamnotsteve,
@codepo8, the_weaver, edwardrussia, Darklord,
Michelle Obama's Stalker, Peter_G, Frunobulax,
Jimbotfu, planearm, bogeypie. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Sickipedia jokes
cut and pasted from Aspen, itchyanus &
isaacjcksn. Thanks guys.
-------------------------------------------------
: AIR CON ON THE CHEAP (top tip)
* 1 desk fan
* 1 frozen 2 litre bottle of coke
* Put bottle on table, place fan behind bottle,
turn fan on.
Keeps the room cool and you can drink the Coke
like a fatty, after it's melted.
-------------------------------------------------
Just had a water fight over the park with a
bunch of local kids.
I won!
No one's a match for me and my kettle.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
