NEWSLETTER: "THE SECOND MOST-SEARCHED WORD ON GOOGLE - PRON"
This Week:
* INTERVIEW - B3ta talks to Eoin Colfer
* SONG - Celebrating the 80s
* VEITCH - Sings about lamb instead of pork
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 399 - 9 Oct 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue399/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Hitchcon '09
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Fan convention
- Sunday 11th October. 11.30am, bring your
dressing gown, bring your towel for the
biggest gathering of Hitchhiker fans ever.
http://snurl.com/hitchcon
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lamb, Eoin, 80s & MJ Hibbett
>> Joel Veitch vs. Lamb <<
Veitch's songs are a mixed bag - some are shite
and sometimes he's capable of being dreadfully
amusing. This is in the later camp - and
reminds a little (if your memory stretches that
far) of Giovanni & Sebastian's 'Fucking Dwarf'
track.
http://www.rathergood.com/agamemnon
>> B3ta vs. Eoin Colfer <<
Irish author Eoin Colfer is best-known to
younger readers for his Artemis Fowl series of
novels but his latest project is more
controversial: writing a new Hitchhiker's
novel. So we thought we'd get the B3tans to ask
him lots of questions, giving you a chance to
make your feelings known. It's a stunning
interview actually - quite how he put up with
it without walking out is a mystery.
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/eoincolfer/
>> Celebrating the 80s <<
"Hello", writes Ricardo Autobahn, "I was taking
all my old VHS cassettes to the tip, but
thought I'd give them a good send-off first by
making this pop track celebrating The Old Days.
That's the paper-thin concept, which doesn't
really work 100% because 'cos it's full of '30
Rock' clips and stuff." BTW: We've just googled
Ricardo Autobahn and he's previously made
records with Ian Huntley lookalike Daz
Sampson. But we won't hold that against him
because this is bloody brilliant.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> My Boss Was In An Indie Band Once <<
MJ Hibbett has written a great song about how
his employer used to play in a band and now
brings the power of punk to his presentations -
then pulls a neat little turnaround which
actually moved us. BTW: MJ's band now lives 150
miles apart and he directed the video by
writing them a list of things to film and email
back to him.
http://www.mjhibbett.net/myboss/
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Crap neighbours
Last week we asked you about your neighbours
to find out what kind of person would dare
set up a home near any of you lot. You poor,
poor people.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/neighbours/
* ALBERT THE KNOB - My area's full of oldies
with nothing better to do than complain. Next
door to me is an old Scottish twat and his wife.
He constantly complains about anything, even
though my wife and I are out all day and give
him no reason. Anyhow, I built a nice big brick
shed at the end of my garden, and felt the rough,
unpainted side facing him needed something to
finish it off. So I put this on the apex. My wife
suggested I pained it pink, but I want it to
slowly dawn on him... (KipperFillets)
http://bit.ly/shednob
* ROCKY - When I was 15 years old, my parents
decided that we needed an exchange student.
Upon receiving a dossier, my sister and I did
what any teenage girls would do: we chose the
cutest one. We lived in the most backwards
sliver of cow-fingering Northern Michigan. My
parents were educated people, but the town was
full of yee-haw gelatinous hillbillies in
Nascar t-shirts cloaked in a film of crystal
meth, comprised of 2 parts human and 98 parts
gesticulating faeces. The Swede arrived, as
handsome as expected. As conversation flowed,
it was revealed that he was seriously wealthy –
his mother was an MP and his father a
millionaire giant of industry. At the end of
his stay, his parents decided to visit. My
parents were keen to show that we weren’t
inbred cretins, so my mother repainted much of
the house, the garden was full of flowers,
thicker books received more prominent positions
in the bookcase – my parents were ready. We sat
down for the first dinner around the table. I
spied the fat neighbour boy, Rocky (for that
was actually his name), creeping through the
front garden. I saw The Swede’s parents lift
eyes and follow this root vegetable of a human
being... Then Rocky pulled down his trousers
and shat in our front garden, like a dog.
(TheSnark)
* MURDER - My dad used to burn rubbish in a big
metal barrel in the garden, and I'd stand to one
side and breathe in the heady fumes of whatever
he was burning, watching the dancing flames,
mesmerised - probably a little turned on. Then one
time on a dark November morning a blue and white
panda car came screaming up the drive with the big
blue light flashing. The police officer got out
and ran over to us. He looked into the burning
barrel, panting heavily. "What are you burning?"
he asked my dad. My dad poked around a bit with his
stick. "Errr... I'm burning some of my daughter's old
toys, officer," he said. The police officer left
looking perplexed. "We had reports you were burning
something illegal." It took my dad until after
Christmas to find out why the copper had come
tearing up the drive like Starsky and Hutch. The
next door neighbour had alerted the authorities
when she saw my dad putting a baby in a burning
barrel with some small demonic kid (me) clapping
his hands in glee and looking on. It was one of
my sister's old and knackered dolls. (Pastabator)
* ENTER THE BLUE-RINSE DRAGONS - Long but well
worth a read is spimf's two-parter about a hideous
pair of harpies who deserved everything they got.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/neighbours/post53137...
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/neighbours/post53273...
>> This Week's Question: Celebrities <<
Back by popular demand - Have you ever annoyed
a celebrity, or been on the receiving end of
the wrath of some Z-Lister? Spill all.
http://b3ta.com/questions/celebrities/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Radio fail <<
Great collection of radio bloopers - we
particularly enjoyed the abortive interview
with Kylie where she describes the DJ as a
retard. Frankly, reminded of our own interview
with Eoin Colfer this week - he's Kylie and
we're the retards.
http://www.radiofail.tk/
>> All the shit and weird stuff off Etsy <<
Etsy - to those not in the know - is like an
eBay for handmade crafty projects. People
generally think it's the most wonderful site on
the planet - it is - but some of the stuff sold
there is a bit crap. Look, see:
http://www.regretsy.com
>> Take A Weird Break blog <<
UK magazine Take A Break might be aimed at
chavy mums but it's actually quite surreal and
funny - as evidenced by this great collection of
clippings.
http://takeaweirdbreak.blogspot.com/
>> The most awesome guy on Earth <<
Looks like Hoxton has a new style icon:
http://snurl.com/thatsyourboyfriendthatis
>> Dollar Defacing <<
A collection of creatively vandalised
dollar-bills. He draws on them, photographs them
and then uses them. Much like us with our
underwear.
http://snurl.com/funnymoney
>> Sponsored rant <<
Bloke gets offered money to write a blog entry
- he tries his best but the client just isn't
buying it. Amusing to anyone who's every worked
at the grubbier end of the web market.
http://bit.ly/11yTTx
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
We're into this new great site called YouTube
>> Lady 'Arm Exerciser' <<
Girlfriend's arm muscles too weak to give you a
proper hand job? This specialised bit of
exercise kit is almost too good to be true.
BTW, we have exceptionally toned lower arms,
like Popeye.
http://snurl.com/iwantmuscles
>> Fiji Meat Man <<
Apparently an actual TV commercial from Fiji,
this is basically 'Sixteen Tons' but added fun
with sausages and dead pigs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> World's loudest alarm clock <<
Having trouble waking up? You will after using
this. Talk-through guide to modding your alarm
clock so as to permanently render you deaf.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> How to: Smack My Bitch Up <<
Dead-on deconstruction of the Prodigy hit,
using pens, paper, scissors and other people's
records. Amazingly simple.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_smack_my_bitch_up
>> Poignant singing children <<
Disabled Thai schoolkids sing Que Sera Sera.
Tear-jerkingly cute but simultaneously a teeny,
tiny bit disquieting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Making stairs more interesting <<
Wouldn't it be nice to somehow trick fatties
into taking more exercise? That's what we
assume is the thought behind this rather lovely
exercise in changing people's behaviour through
fun.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Making_stairs_more_inter...
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Like jokes used to be in the 70s
>> Passport vagina <<
Close examination of the UK passport shows the
word QUIM clearly printed above the crest. FYI:
When Charles is King the word will be altered
to COCK.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Ukpassport-cover...
>> Bath Spa happy finish? <<
Untoward imagery on the website of Bath's
swanky Thermae spa seems to imply a mucky range
of additional personal services. "I was booking
a birthday massage for my lovely lady," claims
informant cidercomic. Hmm.
http://snurl.com/cockwanking
>> Lee Wank-hoo <<
South Chungcheong's governor is wildly
successful at getting his name in the top
Google search results for rude words.
http://snurl.com/winningthecompo
>> 'History For Kids' <<
"I was looking for a junior version of
wikipedia," explains teacher misterlegs.
"Imagine my surprise/delight/horror when I came
across this:"
http://www.historyforkids.org/
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Reborn as Porn Challenge
Last week we wanted to know dirty up classic
media, while keeping it SFW.
Your favourites included:
* UNDERAGE - Las Vegas crime caper transformed
into a kiddy-fiddlin' classic (thefwf)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9722886
* HOLE - x-rated, shock-site take on Dan
Aykroyd's ghost-busting comedy vehicle. Just
add arse (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9721114
* APE - cinema's favourite primate returns as a
monocled, lascivious bounder (but the
hedgehog...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9720628
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rebornasporn/
>> New challenge: British America <<
Since Great Britain and the US separated in
1776, the Americans have very much gone their
own way, inventing both canned cheese and
obesity. But what if America were still
British? Show us, using Photoshop devilry.
Challenge suggested by Mushroom
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britishamerica/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SHAVING WITH VEET - Adding to the wealth of
cautionary tales as to why you shouldn't try to
dissolve your body hair, Shifty confesses, "My
ex-girlfriend insisted that the long hairs
growing from round my nipples were removed
prior to a holiday in the sun. Didn't have a
razor to hand so she immac'd them for me (as it
was known at the time).
"Stung like buggery and ensured I was sleepless
until I had to drive us and her parents to
Gatwick the next day. Waking up going 120mph is
no fun."
* TOP TORRENTS - Singapore-dwelling Baron
Greenback writes, "Years ago in the newsletter
there was a torrent suggestion section. That
was great - local TV sucks so my entertainment
depends on torrents. Any chance you could
revive the feature?" OK, as a special one-off
here's a quick list of the TV we're bothering
watching at the moment. It's pretty mainstream
stuff so don't expect any amazing secret finds:
* Cougar Town - lady telly to keep the wife
happy but there's enough gags in it to amuse
the men.
* Curb Your Enthusiasm - Just started on
Seinfeld reunion plot and it's so good that
we'd gladly go gay for Larry even though he's
very bald.
* Entourage - current season hasn't really
grabbed us but we'll probably stick with it.
* Peepshow - worth it for Mark shouting,
"Obey my command ORAC!"
* Mad Men - like a very slow and nicely
filmed soap opera.
* Dollhouse - patchy Joss Whedon product,
it's no Buffy but we're fanboys so we're
giving it a chance.
We're also downloading the new episodes of
Dexter, Californication and Heroes but we
haven't actually watched any of them yet.
Heroes will probably be crap, as it has been
for ages.
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CAN A MAN LIVE ON SALAD ALONE? Over lunch we
noticed that our 100g bag of leaves was 15
calories. *Does maths* Hence a salad only diet
would require over 16 kilos of salad per day.
Is it even possible to eat this much?
* BACON SOCKS - fredthedeadhead writes, "I
really, really want socks that look like bacon.
Can b3ta make this possible for me please?"
* IPHONE HOLIDAY PAL - Divstivs writes, "I
really want an iPhone app for when you go on
holiday to a city you don't know. You mark up a
google map or something with the places you
think are interesting and it makes your phone
bleep when you happen to wander near one,
tracking your position via GPS. Saves loads of
retracing your steps, because you didn't know
two cool places were really close to each
other."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by coolchick365ca,
djlumpyrulesok, Collatallie Sisters, schondie,
joe.aule, cidercomic, mrmajorisin85,
@mattround, @mothdust, jesus.christ, benvenuto,
slippery doctore AND @elsie_em. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Sickipedia subjlols via sick_dave. Alistair
Coleman is QOTW bloke.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Impress your friends (and make some of them
hate you) by changing your email signature to
"Sent from my iPhone"
-------------------------------------------------
I was raping a woman the other night and she
cried, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky
bitch.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
