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NEWSLETTER: "HEY YOU, THE ROCK STEADY CREW, SHOW 'EM WHAT TO DO, HAVE A WANK, DO A POO"

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This Week:
* PAIN - Musical Spock
* HORROR - The Thing UK	
* WINDOWS - 3.1 in javascript

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving Robinsons    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     bottle tops to get
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       racist badges"

B3ta email 413 - 29 Jan 2010

Second copy available free:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue413/

    iPod Touch:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Big iPod Touch: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  10 Words, C4, Spock, Tron and the Thing

  >> 10 Word Wiki <<
  It's like Wikipedia but just the 10 words.
  Great concept.
http://www.tenwordwiki.wikispot.org
 

  >> Channel 4 News Remix <<
  News theme gets the full drum and bass
  treatment. This is what Jon Snow listens to on
  his iPod when he goes out happy slapping. Kudos
  to speedy and netgem21.
http://b3ta.com/links/Channel_4_News_Remix_by_netgem21_speedy


  >> Spock PAAAIIIINNNN <<
  Shatner's your go-to guy when it comes to
  over-acting, poor Leonard Nimoy is unfairly
  overlooked. To redress the balance here's
  Jayenkai's musical remix of some prime Spocky
  ham.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/PAAAIIIINNNN


  >> A Very British Thing <<
  A one-minute remake of the 1982 John Carpenter
  masterpiece The Thing. "In my (weak) defence,
  it's intentionally cheap and silly-looking,
  apologises sir_spicious2000. We demand more
  space-horror films be set in Surrey.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Very_British_Thing


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 : Weebl does X Factor

  Jonti takes his characters Weebl, Bob and
  Insanity Prawn Boy onto a TV talent show as
  judges, where they meet some oddly familiar
  contestants. More advertising work for Jonti in
  what appears to be his now-annual gig working
  with Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Hopefully they don't
  pay him with delicious chocolate money.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Goo+Got+Talent+1/

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Real-life Slapstick
  
  Last week we asked about your hilarious bumps,
  thumps and prat-falls:
http://b3ta.com/questions/slapstick/

  * CAT BURGLAR - "A police friend of my Dad's is
  sent out to investigate some suspicious
  activity in the Oxford area where he finds a
  house with a ladder against it, leading to an
  ajar bedroom window. Clearly a bit suspicious,
  so he climbs the old and rickety ladder to
  investigate. As he reaches the top he briefly
  glimpses a cat sitting on the bed giving him a
  quizzical look. I say 'briefly' because a
  second later there is a loud 'CRACK' and the
  rung snaps cleanly through the middle. He
  plummets rapidly, each rung snapping cleanly as
  he hits them, like a Looney Tunes cartoon. He
  hits the floor and rolls away groaning, his
  hands now 20% splinters. A car pulls up and the
  driver runs over. "What are you doing in my
  garden?" "Checking your house. There was a
  ladder going up to a window and someone
  reported it as suspicious!" "Oh no mate, that's
  just so my cat can get in" "Aren't you worried
  about getting burgled?" "Nah," says the guy.
  "I've sawed half-way through each rung"
  (stubbledchin)
     
  * ROUTEMASTER - "Friday evening, Oxford St.
  I've just left work after a couple of cheeky
  beers, and I spot a 73, in all its old
  Routemaster glory, waiting at the lights. So I
  run for it. And it starts moving off. So I run
  a bit faster. By now I have an audience - some
  girls looking out the back window from the top
  deck are cheering me on. So naturally efforts
  are redoubled. The bus is moving quite quickly
  now, and I don't know if I'll make it... But
  I'm there! With a gazelle-like spring, I'm on!
  Nice'n'safe, one foot on the platform, both
  hands around the pole. Phew. And the strap on
  the record-bag style, erm, bag, slung over my
  shoulder, decides to snap. And with that sudden
  jerk, my feet slip off the platform, my hands
  slide down the pole and my body ends up
  stretched out on the road, being dragged up
  London's busiest - but not, take it from me,
  smoothest - street. The bus is gathering speed,
  I'm fishtailing behind it not daring let go 'cos
  I have no idea what's coming behind me. After a
  good 150m I manage to check behind me, see the
  road is clear and let go, skidding and rolling
  to a stop. I'm not exaggerating, but this
  brought Oxford St to a standstill. People just
  stopped and stared open mouthed. I got up,
  brushed myself off and walked about 50 yards
  back to where a woman was standing, holding the
  remains of my bag." (FridgeBadger)
     
  * BOLLARDIER - "I once tried to impress a load
  of firemen who were stopped at a red light in
  their fire truck by leapfrogging over a
  bollard. Gave it a good go but forgot I had a
  skirt on. Cue bollard swinging straight towards
  my face. I was stuck, by my skirt, upside-down
  with my face at the bottom of a fucking
  bollard. one of the firemen kindly got out of
  his truck and un-hooked me." (nettestar)


  >> This Week's Question: Music <<
  We'd like the soundtrack to your lives - what
  music has accompanied the great events of your
  life, or just what do you like to do a poo to?
  Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/soundtrack/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Windows 3.1 in JavaScript <<
  Geeks rejoice! Finally the wonders of an early
  90s version of Windows have come to javascript.
  Best enjoyed listening to Guru Josh - not the
  modern remix but the funnier, earlier one with
  the vocal "1990s, time for Guru!"
http://www.michaelv.org.nyud.net/


  >> Cats on Page 3 <<
  Readers of The Sun know all about Page 3 -
  photos of nudey ladies with right-wing points
  of view. Imagine if you took these quotes and
  replaced the breasty lovelies with cats? Could
  you still wank to it?
http://www.thekittenchannel.com/catnews.php


  >> Unhappy hipsters <<
  Dull photos of vaguely trendy-looking people
  with extremely depressing captions. This is the
  work of a misanthropist.
http://is.gd/7daIX


  >> David Cameron Facts <<
  Remember Chuck Norris facts? "Outer space
  exists because it's afraid to be on the same
  planet with Chuck Norris." Imagine doing
  similar with our possible Prime Minister-to-be.
  Would that be funny? 771 followers on Twitter
  think so.
http://twitter.com/davefacts


  >> Shitty old album covers again <<
  Elliot writes, "A quite excellent collection of
  rubbish album covers. Hadn't seen most of
  these." Nor us, Elliot, nor us. NSFW in places
  but, as Elliot points out, "If someone's afraid
  of the human body I have nothing but pity for
  them." 
http://bit.ly/147ku2


  >> Headline of the day <<
  Not much we can write about this without
  ruining the joke so with no further ado:
http://snurl.com/lollikeyouveneverlolledbefore


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Railway pup

  Nothing tugs the heart-strings like a fluff
  baby in peril. This poor wee puppy was rescued
  from some train lines - he'd frozen to them in
  the cold weather. Ironically, his name is Track
  - what are the chances of that?? 
http://snurl.com/puppytime


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine this on an iPad. WoooOOOooo!

  >> Simon Swears <<
  Years ago we ran a flash toy with the same
  name, now it's become a real hardware project.
  Yep, a speaking, swearing Simon toy. Fan
  fucking tastic. 
http://is.gd/7daTi


  >> Welcome back Chris Morris. <<
  Very much looking forward to seeing Chris
  Morris's new comedy about shit terrorists. The
  clip is OK, but hey, it's new Chris Morris. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Welcome_back_Chris_Morris


  >> Carol Vorderman - Motherfucker <<
  The first show on C4 was Countdown and it's
  still going, although they got rid of the rest
  reason to watch - Carol Vorderman - years ago.
  Remember her this way - made to say rude words
  through the medium of editing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Carol_Vorderman_Motherfucker


  >> iPad lols <<
  So the marketing team sat around going, "Is
  there any precedent for this name?" "Well
  there's this old comedy sketch from 2007 on
  youTube about sanitary towels." "Nah, fuck it,
  nobody will notice will they?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsjU0K8QPhs


  >> How news reports work <<
  A good deconstruction by Charlie Brooker on how
  news reports are put together - might
  temporarily put you off watching the news as
  you'll just be spotting the format points for a
  bit.
http://snurl.com/charltonbrookerisfunny


  >> Kersal Massive nostalgia <<
  If you remember the internet from 2005 then
  you'll enjoy this comedy clip of an A&R man
  trying to get into some Kersal action.
http://snurl.com/scrotes


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Cocky slags

  * KNOB MECHANIC - "The chap third from top made
  me emit a cheesy one (a smile, of course)"
  confesses Parpy Parp-Parp.
http://snurl.com/cccsuperloltime

  * SAD NEWS - Looks like b3ta's favourite
  magazine is going under:
http://www.propubs.com/global-slag/gs_homepage.html


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Merger Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to visualise unlikely
  company mergers.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BROWN - popular author + highway code = handy
  (salvadorevincent)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9883331

  * CRUMBLE - Blackberry + Apple iPhone =
  disaster (Mr Gear)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9881554

  * MEAT - ordinance survey + spam = triumph
  (custard)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9880813


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mergers/


  >> New challenge: The iPad <<
  As Steve Jobs launches the most exciting
  product in the world, ever, this week's 
  challenge is obvious: take the piss out 
  of the iPad
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ipad/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GUY GOMA - Remember Guy Goma, the bloke who
  got mistaken for a tech journalist and
  interviewed on News 24, then that flash of
  total shock when he caught on? Turns out that
  Guy Kewney, the bloke he was mistaken for, now
  has cancer. If you've ever laughed at the clip,
  why not donate some spare change to make his
  life a bit better?
http://bit.ly/az1d2Y


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * CHARLIE BROOKER'S ALL-DAY-BREAKFAST BAR -
  "Fried egg, bacon, chips and beans, mashed and
  compacted into a Crunchie-sized slab, covered
  with a layer of ketchup, then swaddled in thick
  Dairy Milk chocolate. It'd look and weigh about
  the same as a Double Decker. And yes, it sounds
  disgusting - but you'd have to try it once,
  wouldn't you?"
http://snurl.com/yeahyeahyeahyeah

  * PEACE KITTENS VS TRANSGLOBAL UNDERGROUND -
  "The chords in the chorus of Transglobal
  Underground's 'Temple Head' are among the most
  life-affirming things ever", states Iain, "It
  seems obvious to me that, if footage could be
  found of kittens miaowing with the same
  intervals, all world conflict could be ended at
  a stroke."
 
  * SEMI-SLICED BREAD - and other unhappy
  compromises between control and convenience. 


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by codepo8, @Daffydil,
  @SamCarelse, @leonhurley, @bounder, @TheoEsc,
  @nunobensen, openleggy, @TheoEsc, waz4444,
  McBadger, @danielbevis and not forgetting the
  lovely WiL. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via Bob Todd. Sickipedia via 
  Tinpotbob.
  
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  What is hard and six inches long?
  My pen is. 
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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