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NEWSLETTER: "B3TA REFUSES TO APOLOGISE FOR CALLING ALL DAILY MAIL READERS BIGOTS"

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* MARLON BRANDO - BUTTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW 
* GOSH - Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
* QUESTION - Tell us about your nemesis

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're rigging the      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    election polls
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       ... together"

B3ta email 426 - 30 April 2010

Kleggers plays pop, p-p-p-p-p-p-pop!
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue426/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Funny Dutchman

  Hans Teeuwen is a Dutch comedian that both Time
  Out and The Guardian have declared a 'comedy
  genius'. He has been described as surreal,
  absurd, bizarre, terrifying, sado-dadaist and
  'a mix of Nick Cave, Chris Morris, Jim Carrey
  and Iggy Pop'. He plays London in May and June.
  Click here for tickets:
http://bit.ly/aBohNJ 


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than turning their underwear inside-out

  >> No Frills Tango in Paris <<
  "Good to see Marlon's a classy shopper," glees
  ratbanjos as he adds his own mark to the film's
  most notorious scene. BTW: We've always thought
  this scene would make a great advert for I
  Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Last_Tango_in_Paris


  >> Burka Web Sim <<
  Pretty much what it says on the tin.
  majoringram invites you to check out the web as
  you'd see it while wearing a burka. Or if you
  were an Egyptian mummy brought to life by an
  ancient curse and cruelly forced to browse
  lolcats forums.
http://burkavision.co.uk/www.b3ta.com


  >> Povvo James Bond <<
  "Current events are forcing the release of some
  videos that have been stored up for a while,"
  explains Cassette Boy. "Now they've announced
  that they can't afford to make the next James
  Bond film, it would be rude not to share this.
  If next week Jamie Oliver admits to being a
  little tosser, or J.K. Rowling announces that
  Dumbledore was a paedophile, I'll know
  something is definitely going on."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/James_Bond_vs_The_Recession_Cassetteboy


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Cars

  Last week we asked for your car stories. Don't
  worry about all the Honda Accord references -
  it's a joke that's been rattling around b3ta
  for a long while now:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cars/

  * FAT - "Back when I still possessed a modicum
  of self-esteem and lung capacity, I used to
  partake in that most pretentious of all sports,
  fencing. As you might expect, the club was
  stuffed to the very gills with lawyers,
  architects, doctors - anyone who'd been to
  public school - and me, who in this context
  probably qualified as the token bit of rough. I
  lived on the south side of the city, whereas
  the club was based in a private school way over
  to the more salubrious north. And it was a hell
  of a walk home. One evening, a terribly nice
  chap from the club who Iíd been enjoying a mild
  flirtation with offered me a lift back. I
  politely accepted and walked out to where his
  Lotus was parked. Now, Iím not a small girl.
  Iím not a fatty, just tall and heartily
  constructed. The Lotus, whilst a thing of
  beauty, is also rather low slung and I
  struggled somewhat to lower myself into the
  passenger seat whilst still retaining some
  dignity. I shot my knight in shining faux
  leather a coquettish grin and leant over to
  pull the door shut. At which point our ears
  were assaulted by the sound of grinding metal
  on tarmac. The low car, my body-weight and a
  slight hill had come together and Iíd managed
  to scrape a massive chunk off the door. We
  drove home in silence. He couldnít have left
  quicker if I asked him to drop me off in
  Soweto. Unsurprisingly he never asked me out,
  nor offered me a lift again. The last time I
  saw him he was dating a tiny little slip of a
  girl who presumably can get into cars without
  breaking them." (Rakky)

  * TWAT - "In the late 90s I worked for a web
  design company where a few of the guys had
  swanky motors (I had a Micra with gingham
  cheesecloth seats, pah). Anyway, one of the
  guys had a real show-off car: a bright yellow
  Lotus Élan Turbo. One Friday lunchtime, someone
  in the studio got a luminous pink card the size
  of a number-plate and printed "TWAT" on it in
  huge block letters, then taped it on the front.
  You don't often check the front of your car,
  and he didn't notice a thing when he drove off
  that summers' evening with the top down and
  coolest shades on - apart from the whole office
  gleefully waving from the windows. "BASTARDS"
  was his simple utterance when he got into work
  on Monday. Apparently he had only noticed the
  sign that morning, and realized that all the
  laughing and pointing throughout the weekend,
  was not people appreciating his automobile."
  (zootius)
     
  * SPLAT - "My brother was driving back from a
  training conference along the delightful M25
  when the cars in front started to slow and a
  traffic jam formed. The young American bint
  driving a large 4x4 missed this and ploughed
  into the back of him at high speed, causing a
  large pile up and the closure of the road. It
  was nice and sunny and myself and my mum were
  waiting to meet him for a pub lunch. He's never
  been particularly talkative on the phone, so
  when I got a call on my mobile saying "been
  held up, be there in about an hour" we were not
  too stressed. He finally stumbled into the beer
  garden two hours later with his face covered in
  bruises from the airbag and dried blood down
  his shirt. He was fine luckily but still a
  little in shock as all we could get out of him
  was: "They made me go to hospital and the
  doctor put his finger up my bum." It took a
  while to convince him that it was a proper
  medical test and it wasn't that the doctor
  really, really liked him." (hanabanana)


  >> This Week's Question: Nemesis <<
  Permanently dogged by someone determined to
  drag your life down into the sewer? Stalked by
  an idiot throughout your career? Tell us
  about your arch-nemesis:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nemesis/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Everybody Draw Mohammed Day <<
  Cartoonists all over the world have been
  stirred up by the furore over South Park's
  portrayal of Mohammed in a recent episode.
  Their form of protest? Draw a picture of
  Mohammed. Brr. Don't get them really angry or
  they may draw a plane flying into a picture of
  a building.
http://reason.com/blog/2010/04/23/first-annual-everybody-draw-mo


  >> Hand drawn map of London <<
  Awesome, hand-drawn, zoomable map of London.
  Instead of buildings, this guy has put in
  interesting facts about every neighbourhood and
  the level of detail is amazing. Our favourite
  local takeaway is on it!
http://www.bl.uk/magnificentmaps/map4.html


  >> Make everything Geocities <<
  Ever wondered what the Daily Mail's site would
  look like if was on Geocities, the defunct
  1990s web hosting service? Wonder no more, and
  apply the Geocities effect to any website you
  choose!
http://tinyurl.com/35ucre5


  >> Making Mac users cry <<
  Apple stock is massively high at the moment.
  Check out how much money you would have made if
  you'd bought shares in the company, instead of
  a shiny computer you don't even use anymore.
http://kottke.org/10/04/buying-apple-stock-instead-of-products


  >> Laptopgrams <<
  Interesting 'photography' project, creating
  images by lying photo-sensitive paper on a
  laptop screen and flashing up an image. 
http://laptopogram.tumblr.com/


  >> Community-built chill-out song <<
  Loving Zefrank's work here - somebody wrote to
  him saying they were going through depression
  so ZeFrank writes them a song - and gets his site
  users to sing it - to give her a huge group
  hug. Great project!
http://www.zefrank.com/chillout/


  >> Dictionary of The Daily Mail <<
  Surprisingly accurate. There's one of those
  toilet books in this, should a publisher think
  of a way they could publish it with the Daily
  Mail title and not incur the wrath of their
  mighty lawyers.
http://www.angrymob.uponnothing.co.uk/daily-mail-dictionary


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but b.b.b.b.buffering

  >> Tim Minchin - The Pope Song <<
  Tim  Minchin facts: 
  * Tim is Australian, but like most Australians
  he lives in London.
  * Tim wears eye liner, or to use the vogueish
  portmanteau, man-lipstick.
  * Tim doesn't like the Pope:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tim_Minchin_The_Pope_Song


  >> Cleanternet <<
  A satirical swipe at the EU plans for site
  blocking systems. Stick on your tin foil hats
  b3tans, censorship is coming.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cleanternet


  >> Phil Collins redubbed <<
  Like gangster rappers, we've got a lot of
  respect for the Philmeister in B3ta HQ, he's
  well dope; judge for yourselves:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ha_ha_ha_this_is_mental


  >> M.I.A - Born Free <<
  Do you have ginger hair? There's a new hater in
  town, she's called M.I.A and she really, really
  loathes your red-haired brethren.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/M_I_A_Born_Free


  >> Hig Eyes <<
  Lots of lady videobloggers or "vloggers" saying
  "high guys" from the start of their "vlogs".
  Frankly it all went a bit too quick for us to
  crack one out.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hig_Eyes


  >> Trippy airspace thing << 
  Great video of the airspace "rebooting" over
  Europe after the ash cloud. You know how you
  see tetris blocks falling if you play it too
  much? This is what air traffic controllers see
  after a hard day at the office.
http://vimeo.com/11205494



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: GENERAL ELECTION BOLLOCKS
  All this shit dully rolls on but a couple of
  things caught our eye this week:
  
  * GREG KNIGHT MP ELECTION JINGLE - sounding
  like a local radio sting from the Midlands in
  the 70s, wonderfully catchy, and surely being
  sung by all all his MP chums whenever he enters
  the room.
http://www.gregknight.com 

  * SOME MENTAL IN DENTON - anyone can stand for
  parliament as an independent. Even people who
  peep through windows and see "girls breasts
  being devoured by a lad's mouth"
http://snurl.com/dentonmental


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Infographics Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to tell the truth
  via the medium of flowchart and 
  infographic 

  Your favourites included:
 
  * VOTE - this will undoubtedly be the
    most useful graphic produced this side 
    of the election (benito vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10016663/

  * ROTATE - mind-confusing visual 
    cleverness from lateral thinker and 
    b3ta legend (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10019270

  * PARKER - decision time made easy, using
    the awesome power of flowchart 
    (laplandes)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10017051


    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/infographics/


  >> New challenge: James Bond on a Shoestring <<
  As the recession bites, it's rumoured 
  that the next 007 film is on hold because 
  it's too expensive to make. We think they 
  should proceed, and do it on the cheap. 
  And we want you to show us how
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jamesbond/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  
  * B3TAN FOR MP INTERVIEWED BY THE BBC - and we
  stress that anyone who lives in his
  constituency should vote for Mad Cap'n Tom.
http://snurl.com/votecapntom

  * THANKS FOR SHARING - cnidaria0 writes, "The
  latest newsletter asked for money, sex, and ice
  cream.  Many years ago, my friends and I went
  to a diner and ordered vanilla ice cream.  We
  told the waiter that if it was served in a
  condom (provided by us) he would get a $15 tip.
   He obliged, and remains the coolest waiter of
  all time.  No one was brave enough to eat it,
  so we asked for a to-go box.  It resided in
  various people's freezers for a period of 3
  years, after which someone's mom (mistakenly?)
  ate it."
  
  * FOUR LIONS FILM - we blagged an invite to a
  press screening of Chris Morris's latest
  production. It's a fantastic film and we
  recommend you see it - oddly, much more moving
  and thoughtful than we expected. A tragedy with
  comic elements that should be seen by everyone,
  especially young men with silly ideas in their
  heads.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Lions  


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Mario r-r-r-r-remix - check it out
  
  Now you can play the original Super Mario Bros
  game as Link from Zelda, Mega Man, and several
  others we can't quite remember. Wish someone
  would take this idea and let you play Manic
  Miner with Rick Dangerous - ie. give old Miner
  Willy a gun.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/534416


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WHO'S THAT MP QUIZ - load up 650 of the
  fuckers and you have to name them. But to make
  it more interesting, have it record web 1.5
  stylee all the wrong guesses so it'll say 80%
  David Cameron 15% Thatcher 5% C3PO made of ham. 

  * SANE PRICES FOR EBOOKS - in a fit of tech
  madness we bought an Amazon Kindle and we
  love it, but if they don't subtract the obvious
  savings of digital distribution and pass them
  on to consumers instantly, they're fucked.
  
  * APPLE AND ADOBE TO STOP FIGHTING - we feel
  like it's 1982, our parents are arguing and
  we've turned up Doctor Who really loud so we
  can't hear them.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Linbox, cheesefan,
  loonybean, cnidaria0, nivose r, cr3,
  CaptainSpaulding, greedydave and shanereynolds.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Whato_Jeeves, although we changed
  it a bit and he probably prefers his version
  which was "You're all fucking bigots. No
  apologies here." And special mention to
  @editorialgirl AKA Emma Jones who is fab.
  
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   If women ruled the world there would be no
   wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not
   talking to each other. (everton1212)
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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