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NEWSLETTER: "PERHAPS APPROPRIATELY, THERE IS NO 'U' IN 'OSBORNE'"

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This Week:
* OWL - Owls are cool
* COMIC - Common People
* VIDEO - Alan Partridge Returns

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're buying 2 for 1
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   Fireworks offers in
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   Sainsburys... together"

B3ta email 453 - 5 Nov 2010

Hey Mr Newsagent! Where's my cover mount tape?
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue453/

   Burchill:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
            Fry:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Get involved in some Balloonacy!

  Add your website to the Balloonacy race course
  and send a special message to thousands of
  balloonists as they fly across the internet to
  win amazing prizes from Orange. Or, just grab a
  balloon and race your mates.
http://bit.ly/8ZMQsa


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Halloween, Classical, iPhone, and Faces

  >> Excellent Halloween costume <<
  Rusty Shackleford, we salute you. Next year: Tubgirl.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Halloween_costume_thread


  >> Fiddling with Tchaikovsky <<
  Punk rock attitude meets classical orchestra.
  "Composer John Oswald invited his friend Jon
  Rose to play a completely improvised solo over
  Tchaikovsky's violin concerto," explains
  intesvensk. "Jon Rose being the mischievous
  person he is, performed the solo in his own
  unique way, creating a whole new experience for
  everyone." And obviously irritated the fuck out
  of all the 'proper' musicians.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fiddling_with_Tchaikovsky


  >> iPhone <
  "Hi dude," growls Joel Veitch. "I've got an
  iPhone!" Welcome to 2007, Joel.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ive_Got_An_iPhone


  >> Faces in Places <<
  A while back we featured Toast Master's project
  spotting facial expressions in everyday
  objects. And now? He's turned it into a book.
  But, unlike your average booky website venture
  (i.e. us), he's giving most of the proceeds to
  charity - Hope For Children, who help the
  orphaned, poor and exploited. What a top chap!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1906672903/b3ta-21


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Babysitters

  We wanted your babysitting stories. What we got
  was a load of stories about willies. Yay!
http://b3ta.com/questions/babysitters/

  * "My nan, god rest her beautiful, beautiful
  soul, suffered terribly with cataracts and was
  practically blind. This didn't prevent her from
  babysitting me and my little brother as we were
  "never any trouble". So, mom and dad went to a
  show and dropped us off at Grandma Jo's... It
  started off small; just innocent little things.
  "Poke your tongue out at her, she can't see
  you!", I'd whisper. We were eight and six. This
  was HILARIOUS. "Walk through the room with a
  cushion on your head!" We're *dying* with
  quietened laughter. As the elder, I was the one
  pushing the boundaries. My little brother, the
  willing victim and daredevil. Which was why,
  having had their night out cut short by a
  powercut, my parents return to my nan's tiny
  council flat to find me with a tea-cosy on my
  head and drawn-on glasses, collapsed in the
  corner laughing my tits off at the sight of my
  little brother, pillowcase on head, dancing a
  naked 'zulu war dance' less than ten feet from
  his grandmother. The pillowcase had rendered my
  brother equally blind, so his jig continued,
  his tiny boycock bobbling around for all to
  see, until the pillowcase was unceremoniously
  yanked from his head and we were sent to bed.
  My cousin started babysitting us after that."
  (R. Jimlad)
     
  * "My son decided that walking into the room to
  meet his new babysitter would be best received
  if he were trouserless, with a significant
  erection and speaking the words, "Look, I can
  make it go all stiff!" I'm saving this story
  for his wedding day." (number5)
     
  * "When I was a kid my mum used to go out with
  her mates on a Sunday night and this meant my
  dad would watch me and my sister. We used to
  love it: he'd get us some sweets and let us
  stay up really late as long as we didn't tell
  mum we'd stayed up. Or so we thought. Turns out
  he used to change the clock on the TV so it
  said 11 instead of 7." (FootOfTim)


  >> This Week's Question: Old tech <<
  What hugely outdated tech do you still cling
  to? Does it work better, or are you just
  deeply, deeply scared of the new? Send us a
  telegram here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/betamax/


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: FASCIST NOSE-HAIR RECLAIMED FOR COMEDY!
  Sponsored linky so we can feed the kids

  Richard Herring’s acclaimed  'Hitler Moustache'
  stand up show is out now on DVD.
http://amzn.to/cumYZJ


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Template doodles <<
  A single starting drawing followed by lots of
  variations. Like a b3ta image challenge that's
  only been entered by one guy. Who is off his
  flipping rocker.
http://www.digitalbusstop.com/do-it-yourself-doodler/


  >> Shitting Christ have you seen this? <<
  If you're looking for an industrial painter, a
  voyage is about to begin. @Glinner calls this
  the best website ever and he's probably right.
http://industrialpainter.com/


  >> Pulp's Common People as a comic book <<
  Drawn by Jamie Hewlett as a giveaway for a
  French edition of the single - and utterly
  wonderful. BTW: Jarvis, if you're reading, can
  you stand for Mayor of London? Cheers.
http://www.pulpwiki.net/Pulp/CommonPeopleComic


  >> Topical t-shirt about the USA politics <<
  Very true and it made us lol.
http://www.unfeatured.com/apyrafz


  >> Abandoned stuff around the world <<
  Some great photos of things we don't need any
  more. Beautiful, decay, innit?
http://www.artificialowl.net/


  >> How to get from Japan to China <<
  Direction 43 is particularly helpful
http://goo.gl/Y7zKd


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Owl vs Invisible prey

  Owls are fucking cool man. We once met an owl
  called Spike. He was awesome.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Invisible_prey


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but with a harder chair

  >> Master Chef edited <<
  Masterchef with cheap, nasty food. Loved this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Master_Chef_edited


  >> Sesame Street's "There's an App for That" <<
  Muppets sing the praises of the amazing iPogo.
http://youtu.be/EhkxDIr0y2U


  >> Alan Partridge Returns <<
  A triumphant return to the airwaves for local
  radio's master of chat. Production paid for by
  some beer company, who we're hoping will now
  spend £££ on bringing back Nathan Barley. Or
  Juliet Bravo.
http://goo.gl/PFBXt


  >> 'One Song to the Tune of Another' <<
  Huh. We remember linking to this Lilly Allen
  song on her MySpace page - now they're mocking
  it on Radio 4. Here's a compilation of our
  favourite bits from 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a
  Clue'.
http://goo.gl/gmrQD


  >> Simple effect, maximum lols <<
  Try to watch this without smiling - or letting
  that smile slowly slide into open mouthed
  horror.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/simple_effect_maximum_lols


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  "I never knew jizz meant this"

  Birdwatchers great at identifying seagull jizz.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jizz_%28birding%29


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: FOLLOW FRIDAY -> Lauren Harries
  Our oh-so-imaginatively-titled @twitter section

  In case you haven't noticed already - child
  antiques expert turned transsexual Little
  Britain fan Lauren Harries is on twitter and
  doesn't shy from speaking her mind. Favourite
  tweets?

  * "Keith Allen, you are dead, and don't contact
  me."
  * "ex bizarre reporter contacted me to say I
  should tell the papers about me and russell
  brand having sex nevr occurred to me"
  * "Philip schofield has canvassed TV companies
  to stop me working -thought I was going to show
  my bits, hasn't got over the shock."
http://twitter.com/laurenotw


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: APOLOGIES SECTION
  Because saying sorry is only hard if you lisp

  >> Please don't sue us Howard Jones <<
  Carcrash writes, "I've been a
  member/lurker/subscriber long enough to know
  what B3ta is like and the comment about Howard
  Jones in the Newsletter makes me feel a bit
  icky. If it's true then berate and take the
  piss out of me but if it isn't you should
  apologise in the next Newsletter. This isn't
  Nathan Barley, it's real life and any
  connotation to anyone and the Sex Offender
  Register can ruin that person's life whether
  the allegations are true or not."

  Sorry Howard and Carcrash - it was just a joke
  that's not meant to be taken seriously - no
  evil intent - but we take your point and offer
  humble apologies to Mr Jones.


  >> Please don't sue us Dadaixtab <<
  Last week we suggested an order for bodily
  fluids beyond the standard number 1 = poo, 2 =
  wee stuff. Dadaixtab complains, "The more I
  think about it the angrier I GET. It's
  obvious... NUMBER 3 IS PUKE!!! NUMBER 4 is
  SPUNK!!!" He was so incandescent with rage that
  he sent us two emails on the subject. Sorry.


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: MUSHROOMS
  Our readers are experts in fungal growth

  * I SPOT MUSHROOMS - spnorman77 writes, "In the
  last B3ta newsletter, whatspauldoing asked if
  someone could put together a mushroom
  identifier app. I don't know of such an app,
  but one possibility is the Open University's
  newish website iSpot. It's completely free to
  use. You can upload a photo of a mushroom (or
  any living organism, for that matter) and the
  OU's panel of experts around the country will
  try to identify it for you."
http://ispot.org.uk/

  * PROFESSOR LOLS - hobday writes, "I had this
  problem too, so I took my finds to our botany
  department where I met an aged professor on the
  point of retirement. I showed him my finds and
  he sorted them according to edibility. Then he
  turned to me and said, 'You know, Mr. Hobday,
  you can eat any mushroom... once.'"

  * HOW TO DO IT - flatfrog writes, "I know a bit
  about the fungi, and I can tell you why this
  would be a bad idea: it's hard to tell tasty
  from deadly via a photo, and I can imagine the
  resulting legal bills being staggering. I think
  a better option would be a dichotomous
  key-based app, which asked a list of questions
  (eg: does it have a ring around the stem? Does
  it have gills or sponge? etc), with the option
  of 'not sure' on all of them. I'd make it, but
  I'm lazy.

  "For what it's worth, the best advice I can
  give (while assuming no liability for any death
  or personal injury that may result) is: go for
  the ones growing on the ground (not from wood)
  with sponge underneath - they belong to the
  family called Boletus and are almost all
  edible. None of them are deadly poisonous, but
  a couple of them can be bitter - a small taste
  is usually enough to be sure. They mostly grow
  in woodland, have autumnal-coloured caps and
  the best ones turn blue when you cut them. Big
  ones do tend to get maggoty, though. Oh - and
  don't eat any wild mushrooms along with
  alcohol."


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the TV Idents Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make your own TV
  channel idents. Your favourites included:

  * TETRIS - if Channel Four don't use this idea
  by the end of the year, we'll eat all our hats
  (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10233018

  * ANGLIA - Jeremy the Annoying Horse on another
  clumsy rampage (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10233955

  * BEEB - number two puts the record straight 
  (benito_vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10234407

   All these images, and the highest as voted by
   you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/idents/


  >> New challenge: Impossible Weapons <<
  Custard rockets, feather swords, and doomsday
  devices made of string. Invent them, then post
  them. Drawings, animations or full-scale
  replicas built in your garden are all accepted.
  Challenge suggested by HappyToast.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/weapons/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MAGGIE THATCHER, NEWSLETTER SNATCHER -
  @jearle writes, "I don't think
  http://isthatcherdeadyet.co.uk/ will make it a
  fourth week in a row for the b3ta newsletter;
  nothing new has happened." Hmm, this is true,
  but we did get an email suggesting that we run
  a Maggie-based image challenge, so people can
  use them for t-shirts to celebrate her death.
  Thing is, we reckon she's been dead for years
  but the Tories just haven't told anyone.

  * HITLER T-SHIRTS - a long time ago Monkeon did
  an Hitler icon for our board; in poor taste of
  course, but that's our site. Then we stuck it
  in our t-shirt shop in an act of self-sabotage
  as simply no one in their right mind would
  actually buy it. This is true; we think it sold
  maybe 2 shirts. And now? Well of all the
  unlikely things to be ripped off by the
  Thailand T-Shirt market.
http://www.boingboing.net/2010/11/01/8-bit-hitler-t-shirt.html

  * CYRIAK ZOMBIE CAT COSTUME - B3tans Sarah
  Brown and Cyriak's work has been immortalised
  in clothing. Cyriak writes, "I'm so proud! Love
  to have seen people's faces when they saw that
  on their doorstep."
http://goo.gl/rB9ZE

  * MANY, MANY EMAILS ABOUT TUBE EXITS - most of
  them suggesting getting an iPhone app via
http://www.tubeexits.co.uk/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * LOL SCATS - Scat porn with captions like
  "SRY, I HAS EATED UR CHAWKLIT CAEK"

  * WHAT THE FUCK HAS THE COALITION DONE SO FAR?
  - a variation on the Obama one, but probably
  better played for lols with stuff like, "chased
  the poor out of London on horseback"
http://whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com/

  * CAN YOU TELL WHAT IT IS YET? - upload
  children's drawings and get people to guess
  what they represent. We're fucked if we know
  what our offspring are drawing.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mrmonkfish,
  pissflaps, bluehamster, finnbar, sandcrack,
  HappyToast, spacehog, neave, Muncee, Friz,
  AttackOfTheRobots, chocolatelemming. Top
  Tippery by Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush
  KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly
  difficult to log into b3ta.com Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via
  quefelli.

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  TOP TIP:
  Avoid confusion over whether to use "a" or "an"
  ...before words like "historic" or acronyms
  like HTML, by always adding the word "fucking"
  after the indefinite article. "This is a
  fucking historic occasion". "I need a fucking
  HTML expert".

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: SHOTDEAD KILL THE MEERKAT
  Freebee ad because we bumped ShotDead last week

  This week we take the piss out of meerkats, The
  Guardian and One Direction. All hail Karl
  Pilkington. Get involved...
http://bit.ly/aYSgm3

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