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This Week:
* SNOW - Mum meets giant ice-cock
* PICS - Can you identify your home town?
* SMUG - Let Smugopedia improve your sneering

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're uploading our     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    secret emails to
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   Amazon... together"

B3ta email 457 - 3 Dec 2010

Releasing one issue every week until the US
Government tells us to stop. Please tell us
to stop, Obama; our fingers hurt:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue457/

       Wikileaks:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Wikipedia/leeks:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK

  ShotDead introduces our inspired Mr.Madmen
  tees plus the usual fun poking and rib
  tickling. This week we pick on the X-Factor,
  WikiLeaks and Christmas. It's only three weeks
  away  you might as well buy some stuff.
  10% off for B3tans with this code  B3TA
http://bit.ly/dWgdkl


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Dogshoes, Home, Piano, Clegg and Manatee

  >> Booba's New Shoes - Translation <<
  Slurpy J's James Corden-esque voiceover adds a
  certain charm to this cute video of a little
  puppy trying to cope with wearing shoes. Why
  is he wearing shoes? Because he's in love.
http://goo.gl/Ehrlo


  >> That's My Hometown! <<
  "Can you recognise your own hometown from the
  photos you get shown?" asks Rico Monkeon.
  Rather compelling and we still seem to have
  an uncanny ability to detect anything related
  to Wolverhampton.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/hometown/


  >> Piano <<
  "A new animation from me," blurts a
  tight-lipped Paul Rayment, jittery from
  neon-tinged nightmares of predatory musical
  instruments.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Piano


  >> Christmas Manatee <<
  "Just whacked up a new thing, christmas
  manatee," explains Joel Veitch of this festive
  masterpiece, which features Joel on guitar and
  the Veitchson, Zak, on severed head. "RAH!"
http://b3ta.com/links/Christmas_Manatee


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: KUNT CHRISTMAS NUMBER 1 UPDATE
  Use My Arsehole as Cunt - Nick Clegg edition

  Our campaign has taken a surprising turn, the
  official B3ta wife was watching a documentary
  on Peter Mandelson when she spotted a
  fresh-faced Nick Clegg from before everyone
  hated him. She said, "You know, David Cameron
  has really used his arsehole as a cunt." 5
  minutes later a wine-soaked email was sent to
  our man Kunt and he agreed to do a special
  'Nick Clegg story' remix. Our personal hope is
  that people sing it to Nick all day and every
  day, so he has a breakdown and the coalition
  collapses. We can dream, can't we? Watch the
  Nick Clegg Story. Extremely NSFW, or anywhere
  for that matter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv1OigmYcvQ


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: YOUR NEW RING TONE
  5-year-olds shouting 'Tory Scum'

  We attended an anti-cuts protest in Camden
  earlier this week and made a quick audio
  recording. Thought our readers might enjoy it
  as a ring tone? Or possibly remix it with a
  donk.
http://goo.gl/woh8b


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Dad Stories

  Last week we asked you for your Dad stories.
  R Jimlad's story of his Dad bumming a sofa is
  worth the price of admission alone. Go read:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/dad/

  * "A couple of weeks ago I visited my parents,
  dear old pensioners that they are these days,
  while they were watching I'm A Celebrity, Get
  Me Out Of Here. There was a torture session
  involving Stacey Solomon and some bloke or
  other having to eat kangaroo penises, when my
  Dad piped up: "She'll be fine with that,
  Dagenham girls love eating cock!" with a sly
  wink. My Dagenham-born Mother looked up from
  her crossword, threw a pen at his head and
  replied, "Not any fucking more they don't."
  Me... I went out to the shed to look for the
  mindbleach and coarse-grade wire wool." (The
  Duke of Boredom)
     
  * "When my sister was seven, she joined the
  local Judo club. After her first lesson, she
  came home, excited to show off her new-found
  skills. "Watch this, Dad!" she says, taking a
  stance and moving her hands about in a vaguely
  Jackie Chan-ish way. "Are you watching my
  hands, Dad?" she asks. "Yes, I'm watching," he
  replies, just as she plants her delicate pink
  patent-leather shoe very forcefully into his
  spuds. As he writhed in agony on the floor,
  poleaxed by his small daughter, my Sister
  looks at him smugly and says, "should have
  been watching my feet." (Smash Monkey)
     
  * "Popped round to Mum and Dad's one time and
  he is in the hallway, adjusting his dress
  shirt and bow tie in the mirror. "Sorry Dad,
  didn't realise you were going out, I'll get
  going." "No Son, Goldfinger is about to start;
  gotta make an effort for Sean." And he did
  indeed sit watching Mr Connery with the full
  suit and boot on. I believe he has too much
  time on his hands." (Ulic)


  >> This Week's Question: Broken promises <<
  Have you formed a government based on lies? Or
  just not followed through on the promise to
  love, honour and obey?
http://b3ta.com/questions/brokenpromises/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that was made by internet randoms

  >> Kim Jong-il looking at things. <<
  When he's not threatening to kick off World
  War III, much of Kim Jong-il's job appears to
  be walking round North Korea and looking at
  things. Here's a gallery of some of his
  greatest hits. Winner of this week's 'most
  emailed in award'.
http://kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com/


  >> Smugopedia <<
  Always be better-informed than the person
  you're talking with - here's instant access to
  a controversial and self-satisfied opinion on
  the subject of your choice.
http://www.smugopedia.com/


  >> How to give a cat a pill <<
  Simple step-by-step instructions on
  administering medicine to your cat. After all,
  how hard can it be?
http://goo.gl/TE6OS


  >> Google Translate beatbox <<
  Turn Google's translation service into your
  robotic beatbox bitch, by typing nonsense and
  saying it's German. Listen to this!
http://goo.gl/Iu6NV


  >> Merry Christmas, Mister Fritzel <<
  The best/worst 4chan escapade we've seen in a
  while - and it's still ongoing.
http://imgur.com/CRvGV


  >> Pornosearch <<
  Rule 34 states that if something exists, there
  is porn for it. This search engine puts that
  proposition to the test. Needless to say, this
  is NSFW. Also, we're not proud that we managed
  to stump it a couple of times.
http://bit.ly/35AMHG


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: POINTLESS FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN OF THE WEEK
  Wales for World Cup 2026

  After all, England isn't going to win it.
http://www.facebook.com/backthebid


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  What do you call your cock?

  Virally survey to find out how the men of the
  UK refer to their third legs. Fair play to the
  blokes from Northern Ireland, making a
  convincing case for calling it "Gandalf".
http://www.icallmine.co.uk


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Subtitle: Ceefax page 888

  >> Mum's reaction to giant snow-cock <<
  Sniggering teenager films his mum returning
  home to discover that he's spent the afternoon
  loving shaping the fresh-fallen snow into a
  seven-foot-tall cock and balls.
http://goo.gl/iJDvN


  >> My cat is afraid of the vacuum cleaner song <<
  Starts slow but slides into entertaining
  madness at around the 20 second mark.
http://goo.gl/36LFP


  >> Fox News: US Tea Party comes to Britain <<
  Apparently, the UK wants in on some of that
  Sarah Palin headline-grabbing political action
  and that's why there are widespread
  demonstrations in the streets. Fucking
  hilarious.
http://goo.gl/WA1VT


  >> Showboating fire victim <<
  Bloke is carried from his blazing home,
  clearly having the time of his life.
http://goo.gl/bkDcb


  >> Automated desk fun <<
  There's this thing called the "Yamaha 01V96",
  which has something called "automated faders"
  that move on their own. And there's some guys
  and they put objects in the way of the sliders
  to create their own percussive sounds. It's
  good.
http://goo.gl/UsTRf


  >> Russian World Cup song <<
  Still stinging from that FIFA decision? Here's
  a xenophobic satirical song.
http://ow.ly/3jihx


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Shakespeare Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to shop The Bard

  Your favourites included:

  * PYSCHIC - eerily prescient television
  critiques, written 300 years before the
  infernal device was invented (enceladus)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10263845

  * RICHARD - classic speech updated with snow,
  canvas, and some flashing lights (Lord Kronos)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10264024

  * BROTHER - it's Hamlet, but shot in
  Chucklevision (Lord Kronos)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10263675

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/shakespeare/


  >> New challenge: Protest Signs <<
  With the entire nation going protest crazy,
  people need some decent placards to wave
  about. Your job is to provide the slogans, the
  kind of thing that might show up on the news
  and allow you to sit back and proudly think,
  "that was me, that was"
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/protestsigns/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Simple shootout game

  Chenobble writes, "Hold the mouse over the
  chamber, wait for the countdown, then aim at
  the opponent and shoot. Gory, simple but very
  addictive. My score: 286" BTW: Why don't
  Russian scientists wear Y-fronts? Because
  Chenobble fallout.
http://www.gunblood.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HOW TO SHARE LIVING SPACE NICELY - Mr Major
  asks, "Can we have an official B3ta guide to
  being a good housewife/husband/lodger?"

  * SICKILEAKS - for all the rude jokes that get
  cut from BBC scripts since The Daily Mail gave
  them a hard time over that Russell Brand stuff.

  * COAL NOT DOAL - why can't anybody stand up
  to Thatcher and support jobs in the North?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  _Black_Acrylic, Frightguy, the RAND
  corporation, horace wimp, @NikNoCee, Ding Dong
  Merrily on Dave!, Herb Alpert's taxi Driver,
  Bootsthealchemist, Double 2, codepo8,
  igotdamaged, @TheoEsc, @rhyswynne, @Cockaday
  Top Tippery by mr major Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Subjlos via  The Dutch Inventor
  Mediocre. Three kisses to b4ta. Best Wikipedia
  photo ever? http://tinyurl.com/23vwqj2

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  TOP TIP:

  When getting dressed and taking an item of
  clothing off a coat hanger, put the empty
  hanger at a far side of the wardrobe. Repeat
  throughout the week. Then when you come to
  hang clothes up after washing, you can take
  all your free hangers from your wardrobe in
  one go and you don't have to waste time
  searching for them and taking them out,
  one-by-one.

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